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Afghan Sisters Refuge
November 22, 2006
7:41 pm
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ggfred4
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I love you cyn...I would like to know that my sisters are in my heart tomorrow and Friday...gonna be a tough two days for me...but guess that is really selfish and codependent isn't it...I will check in tonight and tomorrow morning b4 I leave which will be by 9:00 est...Love you cyn....

November 22, 2006
7:42 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Ok..at the risk of causing offense which truly isnt my intention, I would just say that I didnt see Lolli suggesting any kind of abuse taking place, or even that anyone may have felt excluded.

What I did see was a genuine concern that some interactions may be counterproductive and foster a level of dependence that may make healing more difficult. I might be wrong and of course wouldnt assume to speak for Lollipop. That is just what I took from her words.

In my opinion, and that is all it is, I think it is manipulative to try to control somebody elses feelings. If for instance someone has been offended, I think an apology is appropriate. Then the offended person can decide what to do with that If we continue to keep on at the person until we are satisfied that we are 'forgiven', it seems to me to be more about our own feelings than those of the other person. I think that is a common feeling, that need to make everything ok...I see it in myself but these days I recognise it more and try to take measures to guard against it.

We are all at different places and stages, I believe we are all here for the best of reasons. Part of this process has to be taking a long hard look at ourselves and accepting at times that others may see in us that which we deny. We all have to do it and it is damned uncomfortable.

Ladeska's thread has me looking hard at my own behaviour and it is uncomfortable but neccessary. I think if we could accept this without getting angry at each other it would be a really good start

my best to all

November 22, 2006
7:46 pm
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lollipop3
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Sleepless,

You are not wrong at all and described very well exactly what I was trying to say.

Thank you for understanding.

Love,
Lolli

November 22, 2006
7:53 pm
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lovinglife
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Cyn~ I've been there with the anger on this site - trust me....I've told you that before- and it ain't no lie. And if I would have giving in those few times, I wouldn't be where I am today on this journey of mine...becoming a person who likes herself and finally accepts her self for who she is.

Just please give it some time and reconsider. If you feel that this web site is helping you in your life, don't give it up. I look forward to the day that my life that has been spilled all over these boards is long past and I am standing whole and strong (with of course the ex long gone too and I'm just loving the hell out of some lucky, lucky man!)

GG~ Know that we are here for you and tomorrow when you have to face your abuser - we (your sisters) all will be right there holding you hon. ((((GG))))

And I hope that Mich gets in here and reads first- cause Cyndra if you think you got pissed- OH GOD!!

It will do none of us any good by trying to defend ourselves or our actions- and for sure not arguing with anyone- it ain’t worth the time. Our only concern should be if we have crossed the web sites rules & guidelines- and respect what the S/C has requested- that we post on this thread over here.

and Darn it...the sex thread girls got me in trouble once (good triggers though!) and I am WAY too close to that thread now : ) I'll need some accountablity to keep my butt of that thread!!

November 22, 2006
7:59 pm
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ggfred4
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I love you LL, big sis...what a horrible week and now tomorrow...

November 22, 2006
8:00 pm
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lovinglife
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oh I forgot my manners here....Welcome to the afghan sisters thread...

((((Lolli))))

((((Sleepless in the uk))))

November 22, 2006
8:01 pm
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lollipop3
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(((LL)))

November 22, 2006
8:01 pm
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cyndra820
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GG~ I will be thinking of you tomorrow. I want you to know that I love you too.

November 22, 2006
8:02 pm
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lovinglife
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No GG not a horrible week- its all about growth- and its all about how we choose to look at it...

November 22, 2006
8:04 pm
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ggfred4
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LL,well then, growing is way too painful...and I want to tell you something, but now I feel there is no privacy anymore...that's a laugh...

November 22, 2006
8:08 pm
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lovinglife
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There's never been any privacy GG but when you get comfortable - spill. But before you do, I really am going to try to get just a little sleep (I hate the start of my work week as it screws me up).

I'll be back. And yes lil sis, growing is painful, remember numb is not painful because we don't feel, and we don't care!

November 22, 2006
8:09 pm
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sleepless in uk
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Lolli, like you I was reluctant to give my opinion because I really dont want to hurt anybody or cause further pain...God knows we all have enough of that. And it is hard sometimes to express ourselves in the written word without all the non verbal props we depend on, which makes it difficult to be sure our words wont be misinterpreted. I understood your hesitation very well.

LL thank you for the warm welcome to your thread. I hope you all continue to support each other

((LL and afghan ladies))

November 22, 2006
8:10 pm
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ggfred4
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LL, I know there has never been privacy,,,but I felt so safe on the aac and trustworthy among you, that I felt free to talk; don't feel that now....that is what I meant....

November 22, 2006
8:13 pm
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lovinglife
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GG this shall pass too. It will be ok.

November 22, 2006
8:16 pm
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ggfred4
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I trust you LL and I hope you know that I don't use the word trust easily, so I am going to try now to believe what you are saying....but this pain is so great in my soul...

November 22, 2006
9:02 pm
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needtoheal
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hi girls... I will be there with you tomorrow.GG.. I am going through a major depression.. i can see it and feel it...

November 22, 2006
9:17 pm
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bevdee
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Sleepless - You said,"In my opinion, and that is all it is, I think it is manipulative to try to control somebody elses feelings. If for instance someone has been offended, I think an apology is appropriate. Then the offended person can decide what to do with that If we continue to keep on at the person until we are satisfied that we are 'forgiven', it seems to me to be more about our own feelings than those of the other person. I think that is a common feeling, that need to make everything ok...I see it in myself but these days I recognise it more and try to take measures to guard against it."

I thank you for writing this. I have learned alot just from these threads, just in the past couple of days.

November 22, 2006
9:19 pm
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needtoheal
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just posted on the other side... I cannot believe this is happening.. and thanks cyndra for explaining to the others on the other side that this does come at a very bad time... I understand others have a concern about us becoming dependent solely on this sisterhood for recovery..However, IF that was to happen, that would be MY PROBLEM.. I am so upset right now...

November 22, 2006
9:44 pm
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cyndra820
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Need~ I am sorry you are going through a major depression. And with your therapist out of town too!!!

I think that the breakthrough I had with FIB has made me very emotional. It's made me think of how I could have made the relationship flow a bit better, but then again I had to remember he's still who he is. He is still selfish, but I could have articulated how I felt better.

I'm a bit of a wreck right now. I did apologize to Lolli for taking her head off. I do wish that concerns could have been addressed in a clearer fashion, but sometimes we don't know how far we can go and say what we want to say without offending people.

I am still thinking about whether to stay or go.

November 22, 2006
9:52 pm
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lightchaser
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Welcome to the libs side sisters! The sex thread girls are glad to have you.

I remember fondly the day we got booted . . .it was a beautiful sunny day, all the flowers were blooming. I had my friends here. We had become close and found that sometimes it is just the everyday things we needed support with. We also found we really needed a good healthy laugh, and we needed it often. Unfortunately what we found to laugh about was very offensive to others. SOOOOOOOO offensive I can't even say what those things were. *blush*

I happily click away, anticipating another juicy story on my thread, just trying to get away from the memories of abuse, of sadness of being treated like a piece of worthless garbage for 14 years and low and behold, the thread was gone!!!!!!!!!!

Panic!

Then people in with the ass-whoopin'. ( not SC). And yes, we deserved it a lil' bit:) Buit if you ever read our thread you will find that it didn't stop us. and i hope it doesn't stop you girls either.

Friendship is a beautiful thing. Friends sometimes lean on each other and sometimes rely on each other. That is NOT codependent.

People heal in different ways. i hadn't read your thread because as you may now understand I shy away from the support side. However, I read today and I see the love here and the SUPPORT here.

KEEP IT UP!!

((LL, GG, Need, Mich and any other of you sisters out there)

I understand your hurt feelings today, but don't carry them with you tommorrow. It is not worth it in the long run!

Love, Light

November 22, 2006
9:53 pm
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needtoheal
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I really wish that you could stay..but i know that you have to think about what is best for you and decide whether or not something is helping you or not..

It does not help that the holidays are here too..

But as you know, I have been blessed with two wonderful boys who give me sunshine on my darkest days...

We are having what they call a NEW YEAR'S EVE celebration... staying up late since there is no school tomorrow.. At least we are not camping out downstairs sleeping on the floor like we did a few weeks ago..

I know that these feelings will pass Cyndra. I am just glad that I had the strength to recognize it because it has been going on for a while now.. In fact, two weeks ago I made an appointment but then cancelled..

I hope that you will consider staying... Remember that the boys charge a lot for delivery to Maryland.. since it does cost $20 to even walk through the door of Sloppy Joe's Restaurant...

November 22, 2006
9:54 pm
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cyndra820
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Thank you Light for the welcome.

November 22, 2006
9:55 pm
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needtoheal
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thank you Light for the welcome

November 22, 2006
9:55 pm
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needtoheal
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Sex threads... thinking of Studman all of a sudden......!!!!

November 22, 2006
10:02 pm
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lovinglife
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Need those girls are awesome- I myself at this time just have to stay away other then a rare occasion of popping in with a hi : )

Light as you always have been once again such a gracious host- thank you for the welcome to the libs side.

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