I am ok...I am about to place a LONG post on support side...would you read it for me. You don't have to respond...just read it.

I didn't mean to make you cry Need. I thought I knew what I wanted, now I really don't know. I am so confused. I love a lot of people here, but I am not sure that this is the right place for me to be. I love you Need. You have become a very important part of my life. What I feel bad about is that it was an argument that started this between you and I. I am sorry. I love you very much. I do want what is best for all of us. Truly, my heart is in the right place. I believe that. I too wait for this family meeting...but I think I still know what I need to do.

You did nothing wrong Need...promise

Ahh Lolli!

"In fact, originally, my concerns had nothing to do with you at all."

bevdee, if you get a moment will you please read what I wrote on the support side..? I would appreciate it.

This is just a benign observation, and is in no way meant to offend. I am only trying to help.

"So for others to say that we were exclusive, that is not true.. otherwise I would not have asked others to join without asking my sisters...!!!"

Aren't you contradicting yourself love? The mere fact that you would not have invited others to join without first running it by your sisters, is, in a sense, being exclusive.

If all are welcome, why then would you first need to ask the sisters if it was OK for another to join you all?
Also, the "family meeting", is everyone invited to attend, or is it only for you, Mich, gg, LL and Cyndra?

I'm really going out on a limb here, and am only trying to help. I sincerely hope that you are not offended.

Isis

I think it is time for this to stop. NOW would be good. When we are here..if you are too...then be here. Say what you want and it will be heard. We have all learned a very powerful lesson here and I think that beating it into the ground is highly unnecessary. There are enough hurt feelings, and everything else. We need to let it go. And move on. I think right now that pointing it out might be a bit tough on the ones who may not see it as a positive thing in any light at this point.

Mandy

What is it that made you so angry that you now want it to stop?

Hey girls...would imagine that GG has left (only wished I knew exactly where she left too!). Someone please fill me in.

I get close to saying...."Ok, I'm ready to give my two cents about what has transpired..." (after sorting out all that I am feeling) and then I pop over to the support side or read something posted in here and it brings me back to square one of…

"WTF, I am truly feeling here...am I pissed? am I hurt? am I embarrassed to be me? do I feel like child that just got disciplined by her peers???? do I feel like I am being re-victimized all over again by feeling judge (we have been referred to or been put in a class as clingy, needy, manipulative, aimless chit-chatters, dependent on the site and/or each other, WAY TOO codependent, having pity-partys for ourselves). Am I feeling hurt for those women I now call my sisters that I sat here and hoped like hell they felt my sincere love and felt me holding them as they poured out the vial that they’ve held inside sometimes for years?? Am I back to questioning what I am feeling again so confused - back to questioning if I am an ok person who desperately just wants to be loved and respected for who I am…by others as well as by myself. Just WTF am I feeling… SOMEONE HERE WANT TO BE SO WISE AND KIND AND TELL ME WHAT I AM FEELING or WHO I AM ????????????? Because it’s apparent that others know more about myself, about how I’m healing or should be healing. ….and WTF am I or we suppose to be feeling here…other than defensive, attacked and stoned???

Where is the respect and understanding about a group of ADULT women who bonded over a rape by their spouse, a rape & sodomy by their college peers, a rape & sodomy at 14 yrs by the man they babysat for, their sexual molestation by their father, their brother, their step father, the continued re-victimization of an exH as well as a husband??? Where is the respect here. There hasn’t been none. Anyone want the juicy details READ the sisters threads. READ why some of the threads were closed with a *burial prayer*, READ why some of us needed reassurance that the group of women they were getting to know would still accept them after the vial they had spilled left them feeling so raw & vulnerable. READ how some of us tried to push the others away when the negative tapes that have played over & over in our head for years would kick in because they never felt so loved and heard before, a strange new feeling for many of us…so some of us would retreat back not believing what we were experiencing as a group (HEALING) was actually real. But each step of the way, each bump in the road, we made it through and each of us were getting stronger.

Right now sisters I need a fucking bucket to puck this shit out in. And I need you all to hold me while I’m doing so. And after I am done, wrap me so lovingly in the afghan and hold me until my tears are done flowing, in the afghan sisters style. ALTHOUGH , after this post I will never again talk about my the negetives in personal life on these boards. If this would have been the first time I have felt this, I’d perhaps reconsider, if this had been the 2nd I have felt this, I’d perhaps reconsider, BUT COM’ON this is the third time since I found this website I’m sitting feeling like a piece of shit that has been judged, stoned, and condemned for who I am. And that who I am, I am just trying to accept, love, and know that she is better than how she has allowed herself to be treated.

And if there are any of you who have built themselves up over my pain, my complete honesty , or how I relate to others and have used that to feel better about yourselves; well it’s been my pleasure. You’re welcome. I didn’t come to this website to play games with my healing, I came to this website to heal, to recover, to finally stand proud of who I am. And just as of a few says ago I thought I was well on my way…little set back at the moment, but I’ll get over it.

Now do I really want to leave this site? Of course not, And why is that??? Because for the first time in my life I'm feeling hope, feeling like I am being heard, feeling like I am being validated, being loved and accepted for who I am , and the growth inside that I'm feeling is incredible. And I too have found just as much healing in helping others (outside of those who post in here).

Almost done here…as far as an exclusive group….NO ONE was EVER told they were not welcomed…we become exclusive on some aspects because of the way we found that works for our healing and because we could relate…and anyone who posted on the sister threads and asked what we were doing, about us, or if they could just sit & listen, or join in with us….they were never turned away. They were hugged, and told they were welcome to do whatever. Why there is basically just a core group of five of us is because we WERE comfortable with the way we WERE healing and it’s very apparent it WASN’T comfortable for the majority.

Alrighty sisters…this is where LL stands: I will no longer talk about my personal problems but will only talk about the positives that I am working on because I do not want to ever be posting thoughts like this again... I need to protect myself and protect the little bit of self esteem I gained since coming to this web site. However for those of you who decide to stay on contining with what we were building, ya know I will be right here for you, smothering you in love & understanding. I am going to become more of a lurker around here (not meaning the sisters thread) but will branch out and read more of the other threads- lots of resources I have found on this site. Heck maybe even get invovled in some of the discussions on this side of the site.

Mich I read what you posted on the support side…so proud of you ((((Mich)))) and you too GG for standing up for yourself (major growth for her). I’m a little hesitate to now post this because Mich you sound at peace with all that has happened and I don’t want to kick anything up or start a whole new line of posts going back and forth in here …but I need to do this for me, for my growth, for my contined healing.

I love you all. It’s been real- it’s been cool. I thank each of you girls for being who you are. I do hope that whatever happens from here- that we stay in contact because I am going to have the biggest fricken celebration when I finally once and for all get my exH, my abuser, the man who has held me back from life, the man who has had a field day with my self esteem out of MY house – and my guest of honors will be my beautiful sisters Mich, GG, Need and Cyndra : ) and the Ma's & cousins!

(((((Love you all)))))

Just hoping tonight that when I am getting ready for work that I see the tall, beautiful, blonde with a nice ass looking back at me in the mirror that I am coming to just love and not the woman who stood there just a few months ago that was ugly, that needed her body to be covered, the women I wanted to destory, the women I couldn't stand to look at. The woman I hated for years. I don't ever want to go back to seeing that woman in the mirror again.