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Afghan Sisters Refuge
November 22, 2006
6:09 pm
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cyndra820
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I'm sorry I'm leaving. I am frustrated beyond words right now.

I didn't know that healing had to go a certain way to please people. I am angry that people have decided to label us as a clique though we've never made any attempt to exclude anyone.

The way I have always understood recovery is that everyone must find their own path. It seems the path we have chosen is unacceptable to so many.

i can't say Lolli is wrong in saying that some of the things she's read here have made her uncomfortable and seem like they are continuations of codependent behavior, but I don't think we should be raked over the coals either. It is hard enough to admit and face being codependent now we have to instantly unlearn behaviours we've spent years practicing?

I can't do this. I can't be a part of something where it has to be regimented and segmented.

If you are a newbie please start here. If you have backslided please go here. It makes no sense. But if that's the way they prefer it to be I cannot be here. I cannot have someone dictate to me how my recovery should go. It is hard enough on a daily basis to do this, but to have people think it should go a certain way, I cannot and will not stay.

I'm sorry. I cannot do that. For me it is like killing a part of my spirit. I've fought too hard to let that happen.

November 22, 2006
6:16 pm
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ggfred4
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cyn, please, will you please talk to me..I am sorry..I understand exactly what you are saying...but was this all in vain??? I can't imagine my life w/o you,need,mich, and LL...I am willing to leave if any of you want contact outside of aac...but we all need to talk as a family...I love you cyn...I don't know what else to say...strong posted a thread to you and others who left...

November 22, 2006
6:17 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyndra--
I really wish you could consider staying here at this site..but I do respect your decision to leave if that is what you feel is necessary for you to do... I will miss you... and I will always appreciate having you.. You have touched me in so many ways CYndra... May you be blessed in your life...
Thank you for all that you have said and done for me and all of your sisters...
I love you CYndra

NEED

November 22, 2006
6:24 pm
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ggfred4
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Girls, had to just print this and afraid cyn, you won't check it so here is what I wrote....

Lolli, it isn't up for OTHERS to judge personal exchanges of others...this is strictly your opinion...We are here for what is best for our own support and recovery and should not be judged or commented by others...There are many threads here where I find people codependent on each other and I will dare not name them, because it is not my place...that is their decision...I would like to state my opinion now about what has happened here today, but I am afraid it would not be too polite, so I will refrain...

I had written that I felt that this thread today felt like a public stoning of the Afghan sisterhood, but I deleted it...

I am sick, sick, sick,...

November 22, 2006
6:28 pm
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cyndra820
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GG & Need~ I am so angry. It started out as waspishness and now it's people putting down and being judgmental. I can't stand that!!! I don't want to be a part of that.

I undrstand what Lolli wrote because I have seen some of what she's talking about. I haven't seen the bullying or the controlling and that really hurt. It was like she was accusing us of abusing each other. That may not be her intention, but that's how I took it.

I hurt too much to be accused of being controlling and manipulating by anyone. I try to encourage and get people, not just the sisters, to see what is happening. I don't tell them what to do. I don't bully anyone into doing something they don't want to do.

I am so angry I could spit nails!!! Do I want to leave? No, I don't because I have expereienced so much good here. I've grown and learned and not just from our circle but from others.

They say the site has canged from a year ago. We've been here what? Six weeks? Now we're a negative? I can't do it. I really can't. I have endured too much to have accusations hurled at me.

November 22, 2006
6:30 pm
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lollipop3
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(((Cyndra)))),

I'm sorry if my comments have upset you and made you feel the need to leave. That was certainly never my intention and unfortunately, your reaction is exactly why I have never posted on the "sister's threads".

I never intended to make you feel "raked over the coals". This is a site for codependents to come and learn about our behavior and to recover. In my opinion, part of the "support" of this site is to help others recognize behaviors that they may not see so that they can learn and grow and to learn to speak our feelings using assertive comminucation. That is what I was trying to do.

As with anything...you can take what you like and leave the rest. We don't have to agree about everything and I would never tell you how you "should" recover. We all learn in our own way and in our own time. However, I will continue to point out to others when I see what I consider to be unhealthy behavior and I would hope that others would do the same for me. Even if it is difficult to hear sometimes.

Again, I honestly wish you the best.

Take care,
Lolli

November 22, 2006
6:33 pm
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ggfred4
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Cyn, I am here...please...calm down...I understand....People who do not walk in our shoes, can't understand...and should NOT point out or judge according to their issues... They are not worth it...but, you are worth it to me...

November 22, 2006
6:33 pm
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lollipop3
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Sisters,

After reading all of the posts here.....I am really beginning to regret saying anything, which again...is why I never posted on those threads. You are correct...it is only my opinion.

I will no longer express my concerns for your recovery and I wish you all the best.

Take care,
Lolli

November 22, 2006
6:38 pm
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cyndra820
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Lolli,

Quite frankly you seemed to be accusing us of abusing one another and not supporting each other.

I know what you are talking about, but is it my job to tell them that's not healthy? I didn't and you know what, they handled it between the two of them.

One of the things I've learned from these women is that they are not stupid. They recognize when something isn't healthy. They have owned up to it and when inclined, done something about it.

Your posting on the thread wouldn't have brought about any negative reaction. It would have brought about some discussion, but your comment was the straw that broke the camel's back for me.

November 22, 2006
6:40 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyndra-- I cannot believe this is happening...

November 22, 2006
6:44 pm
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lollipop3
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Cyndra,

I accused you of nothing of the kind. I stated what I saw happening and how it made me feel. I hope that at some point you will be able to see that and will see what I actually was saying.

Until then, I don't think anything productive is going to be solved by each of us defending ourselves.

Again, it is only my opinion.

November 22, 2006
6:44 pm
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needtoheal
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could you be more specific Lolli..

November 22, 2006
6:51 pm
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cyndra820
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Need~ I'm sorry. I'm just through. I couldn't believe the whole "Site Different" thread and then all these people began to jump on the bandwagon.

GG~ You are right, it does seem like a stoning. I had no idea so many people found us offensive. It shocked and hurt me. I thought we were doing something positive and out of nowhere comes this...I don't know what to call it.

I don't know if I can feel comfortable there again. I just can't believe it. Someone can be a brat and no one blinks an eye. We try to bond and encourage each other and this happens.

November 22, 2006
6:51 pm
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lollipop3
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Need,

I'm afraid to be more specific.

I've already upset people and I don't want to upset them further. I think it would be best if I just left it alone and anyone can just read the thread and see for themselves.

Maybe they will see something different that what I saw....I don't know. All I know is that at times it made me uncomfortable to watch.

Take care,
Lolli

November 22, 2006
6:57 pm
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ggfred4
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then why did you watch Lolli? Normally, I would not have responded this way to a human being, but I am fighting now to keep a dear person to me that I love in my life...It is that important to me...

Cyn, please, is the trust and friendship we have worth dropping over other opinions...think about it...again...I really want you to wait until mich and LL get back tonight...I just really got to know you dearly....I think a lot of jealousy is here too, but they dare not admit it...I tried to explain that this sisterhood was a natural formation,,,it just happened, it just blossomed...cyn, I love you!!!

November 22, 2006
7:01 pm
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cyndra820
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Need~ I think she may be referring to bond between GG and Mich. GG's need to say goodnight to Mich. I understand it for what it is, but I can see how it can be misunderstood. You remember those nights where GG told us about what happened to her and Mich told her story? I think that's what she may be referring to.

It doesn't matter. She feels the way she feels. Lolli is a wonderful person and I appreciate her honesty, but this is just too much.

November 22, 2006
7:03 pm
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cyndra820
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GG and Need~ I love you both very much. No, it's not worth it, but I just don't feel safe there. I mean it's supposed to be about recovery. They seem to think what we are doing is wrong and I just know if I can feel safe.

November 22, 2006
7:09 pm
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ggfred4
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cyn, what do you mean about my story? cyn, this is a nightmare for me, a live nightmare...

November 22, 2006
7:13 pm
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needtoheal
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Cyndra-- please reconsider and wait for LL and Mich to arrive here...?

I know that it does not matter .. it is Lolli's opinion and she is entitled to her own opinion..

I agree with GG that there is a trust and friendship among us all..

I hope that you reconsider..

November 22, 2006
7:17 pm
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lovinglife
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MICH lookey here….We graduated to the libs side way before our time!! And we thought 2010 or something like that. This is so cool. I finally made it over to the libs side THOUGH still think my issues belong on the support side, but I understand where the S/C is coming from and respect what she has spoken.

oh Lord...do you think the holidays cause a little stress for people??? Exactly why I hate the holidays- gee-whiz. The “Afghan Sisters” have done nothing but supported, encouraged, loved, and been then for one another (and others as well) as we get through some MAJOR issues in our lives…and for most of us CODEPENDECY is huge on our list to work on- and we are working on it…and yes it comes out of us. And the neatest thing, it is that very *codependency* that we’ve used to take care of others and not ourselves, that is the core of how the hell we’re healing here. Imagine that : )

Cyndra take a deep few breaths, and please reconsider leaving the site. I too have felt similar feelings as you a few times before and what you dealing with I have dealt with before in here too...INFACT I think my paranoia is kicking in again as it was another thread I was involved in that got an ass whipping…(not by the S/C) Perhaps it is I sisters : ) But until I am asked to leave - I'm here, and I am here growing and here to support anyone else who wants to grow too.

Hey girls we all have not bonded in vain and all that has been shared, all the pucking to this point and the buckets filled, and all the little steps of growth is not going to go under because some of our actions-doings make others uncomfortable or doesn’t understand that yes we are growing , we are learning healthier ways of communicating, and what works for us, may not be for everyone.

Alrighty then I am going to try to get some sleep here. It is really sad that none of us are hurting anyone, that none of us are so selfish that we haven’t attempted to reach out to others, that because we may appear to others a little odd in our healing- that we would be attacked, judged…ya know what I mean? But its because we's got issues to work on.

I am proud to be part of the Afghan Sisters!!

LL

November 22, 2006
7:19 pm
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ggfred4
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well, need, someone just responded to me and I won't even say here what I want to say...right now, we need mich and LL and see what is best for each of us...I am not that codependent, no matter what people say,,well maybe...I rather have you four in my life, than be here...

November 22, 2006
7:27 pm
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cyndra820
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LL~ I will think about it. I am very angry about what happened.

GG~ You spilled one night and Mich held you. That's what I'm talking about. I don't give a damn about what they think, but I don't think I can go back to the support side no matter what. I can't. I'm very sorry I won't go back there.

November 22, 2006
7:31 pm
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ggfred4
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Cyn, if you stay, I will come to this side too...don't really know what this side is about though...
please think about it; I am praying for you...I love you cyn...I understand cyn...I feel exactly the same way...

November 22, 2006
7:33 pm
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ggfred4
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cyn and need, LL wrote mich on our thread and asked her to bury it...you know, our everyone is welcome thread...I love LL!!!

November 22, 2006
7:36 pm
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cyndra820
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GG~ I'll think about it. I'm just so uncomfortable with all that happened on the other side. But I promise to think about it.

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