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Afghan Sisters......After the storm...
November 26, 2006
2:17 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Bev...

You may stop in as anyone may. We will welcome you. For right now, I cannot leave. I have to do what is best for me. Right now, staying or going are both VERY painful for me. I want back what I had a week ago, and because I can't I want to let it all go. I am not done fighting yet, for what we had, but I haven't had the strength. This thread will not go anywhere, if I do nothing more with it than to wrote my sisters everyday here. I love them all. What is funny to me right now, is I have felt like the weakest link in this group, YET, right now I feel the strongest. My letter to lovinglife will show that.

I am sorry that I trigger you. I just state my feelings, and I don't intend to stop. Am I comfortable with that, NO. But, how do you get back that safe feeling....you just have to do it. I care about you, and I care about your niece. My feelings of suicide Bev, are not something that I am going to hide...I go there quite often...I hurt, a lot. But, the truth be told, I am here because I don't want to feel that way! Does that make sense? If I walk away now, i lose an afful lot of support...and I don't think that is what is best for me. I am hurting too bad. Sure, i feel like my main support is gone...because 2 of them are. But, that can't stop my life. Not now, not ever. Right?

Mich

November 26, 2006
2:17 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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gg, I love you

November 26, 2006
2:20 pm
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turnabout
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gg -- I think 'vulnerable' is a better word than 'weak'. That word, 'weak', sounds condemning, and you don't deserve such condemnation. I don't think there's any condemnation in being vulnerable. In fact, I think there's understanding, and you definitely deserve that.

And, although this vulnerability makes you feel as though you are going backwards, it could actually be a progression for you. I have felt just as emotional, vulnerable, and out of control as you are, and ... I was just thinking about this yesterday ... now when I look back with perfect hindsight on the time I felt that way, I see what was really going on. The old things,... the unhealthy, undependable things in my life that I'd tried so hard to depend on were being broken down. The bad has to be broken down to make room for the good. It's painful, to be sure. EXTREMELY painful, but very necessary, very much a step towards good health, ... very much a PROGRESSION... not a weakness. Not at all.

And I'm telling you this hoping you'll be patient with yourself for feeling so vulnerable. It's okay. It's even a good thing. Go ahead and open up about it to whatever level you are comfortable. Don't condemn yourself for it. Embrace it.

I just wanted to make this one post to you right now. I probably won't be back until this evening, so don't worry if I'm around for a while. I'll be checking back later.

November 26, 2006
2:38 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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gg? Are you around? How are you sweetheart?

November 26, 2006
2:41 pm
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bevdee
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GG- whew!

I'm glad that was received in the spirit is was intended!

GG- you know, that could be changed to Go Girl!

Don't feel you have to share for ME. I mostly read here, too. I just felt compelled to share some of my emotions with you. I was trying to say up there that I don't know how much support I could be to anyone at this point, but there was something I wanted to say to you last night.

One thing I can say to you is don't stop trying. No matter what blind alleys you might run down (I've been down a bunch) just go back and try another direction.

10 years ago, I left the abuser, Luc, much of what was hurting me surfaced and erupted. No one was interested in hearing it. I had a good therapist, and I TOLD myself "of course she listens, you're PAYing her to" So I know how bad a person can be to themselves. I was a very proud and stubborn person, so I read alot of books. And took it real slow.

Here is what I learned from reading and talking here. If you wrote out all the things that happened to you- all the abuse and thought about how you would view another person telling you the same story? Would you blame her? OR hate her? I doubt you would. You would reach out to her- exactly as you and the other sisters here have. You would love her.

I see myself doing this - and when I had this realisation - to turn that compassion to myself- and forgiveness- that is when I started to love myself again.

I wasn't raised right, so now smack in the middle of middle age! I am taking myself to raise!

GG - I know about that crying! I have been doing that alot. I suspect it is my hormones, and I reeaally don't want to call THAT by its name!

Bevdee

November 26, 2006
2:45 pm
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ggfred4
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turnabout, thank you too for your kind words

MICH: I LOVE YOU!!! Every time I start typing, the emotions start...I feel like we have not talked to EACH OTHER in quite some time, really talked, heart to heart...it is breaking my heart here...I don't know what to say without crying, being afraid of saying the wrong thing, yet hoping you are understanding me right now...I think you do...I am hoping you do...

If you read what I wrote Lolli, I am still standing at the four way stop in tears and wondering where everyone went, even you...I don't know what to do as I feel like I am spiraling downward as my big sis would talk about...

I am very proud of you mich, very proud! I love you very much...I don't know what to do anymore...really don't...

November 26, 2006
2:50 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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Keep fighting....I am writing a letter to LL and Cyn right now. They are going to see the tough love that I have never shown before. Hold on gg. I am fighting for what i believe in here honey. Give me a chance ok. Promise me you will give me a chance...PLEASE

November 26, 2006
2:54 pm
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ggfred4
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I will, just feel like everyone left the building and I am standing in the dark alone.

November 26, 2006
2:56 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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You are never alone gg. I promise...I am still holding you even if the rest of our sisters gave that up.

November 26, 2006
3:01 pm
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ggfred4
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okay, mich, trying here...just need to make it through this week...don't want to hold you back either

November 26, 2006
3:05 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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you aren't holding me back...I promise gg. I am doing ok....I love you and I am going to be here for you. I care too much to just give up. I won't do it. I meant when I said that you guys were that important to me. It is truth...

November 26, 2006
3:24 pm
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ggfred4
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love you mich...so scared now...

November 26, 2006
3:25 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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of what gg? I wrote LL and Cyn and posted it...did you read it

November 26, 2006
3:30 pm
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ggfred4
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Yes mich, I read it, it was wonderful, you are wonderful, and again, I am so proud of you...so very proud...

I just don't know what in hell is wrong with me..can't stop crying...sorry...

November 26, 2006
3:37 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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This is painful for us gg. We feel like we have lost two of our best friends. It hurts, we feel like they gave up. We have to be strong and have faith. Pray that they will see this in a different light. I went to church this morning, and I don't EVER go tothe altar during prayer. I did today. I prayed that they would come back. I have to trust God here gg. I have struggled with trusting God for a long time...but I feel like with this, I had to. PRAY gg. In the meantime...I love you, and I am here. I know it isn't the same as we were a week ago...but I hope that it is worth something.

I love you.
Mich

November 26, 2006
3:47 pm
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ggfred4
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Thanks mich, thought things would be better even a little better by now, but they are not...I just don't feel free to talk yet...I want to say, hold me mich,hold me close, wrap me in the afghan, tell me everything is going to be okay...I know it is not going to be the same, just want to know that it is going to be okay, that I am not going to lose you too...I want to say that without anyone thinking...there she goes again...look how dependent,,,that is not healthy there...but it helps me mich, it does...I need this love and support here...I don't have it in my "real life"...I don't have the hugs and confidence that I had gotten here...I am so scared mich...I feel like such a damn baby and that makes me hate myself too.

November 26, 2006
3:53 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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gg, I already told you once, I am not going to give that up. I am still going to hold you, and snuggle, and keep you close. I will still wrap you in the afghan, just as I did before. We can't give up gg. We have to try. If we find that we can't do this, if we can't be us after this then we change where things are headed. We take a different direction. I don't want to give this up just yet. I want us to all be together again. Though I see being able to actually talk to you being way cool, I don't want to risk what we have gg for good. I am afraid that if we leave here and exchange emails that we will change. I would love to be able to just email you, or even pick up the phone and give you a call if we got to that point. I just worry about it. I love you too much to lose you.

Was I too hard on them?

November 26, 2006
3:59 pm
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ggfred4
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Okay, mich, you made me feel better, as usual...No, you were not hard on them at all...Mainly you expressed your love and reminded them of what we had and learned from each other...the letter was awesome mich!!! I mean it...

I don't know why I am still feeling this low though...I do feel like I am in mourning...and yes, I am very scared about the surgery...gosh, I hate admitting that...

Gotta go get some things done for work and around the house...will check back in an hour or so...

Mich, sorry I have to be so reassurred right now, but I do...don't know why...well, maybe I do...you know I have abandonment issues...and so did LL!!!! She didn't even wait til we were all together...crap, tears again...got to go...

MICH, WHEN IS THIS GOING TO GET BETTER...WHEN AM I GOING TO GET BETTER? I HATE ME RIGHT NOW............love you mich....don't give up on me

November 26, 2006
4:02 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG, we were abandoned. How do you want it to feel?

You can hate you if you want...I love you. You are a good person gg. A strong person, and I love you for it. I have to leave here in about an hour to go to my mothers birthday party.....yippee. You are a true blessing to me.

I love you.

Mich

November 26, 2006
4:06 pm
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ggfred4
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thanks mich,,,I will never forget when you told me how you feel about me concerning your mother...never!!! I thought that was the absolute sweetest thing you had ever shared with me and I will always treasure it...

I love you mich...always will.....gg

November 26, 2006
4:08 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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It is true gg. Just remember that, I do care about you, and I do see in you what I wish I had in her. I love you. You are very special to me. I wish that you could be my mom.

November 26, 2006
4:19 pm
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ggfred4
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first smile I had in a week mich! thanks! One, I think you would be a great daughter to be proud of and would automatically get four beautiful grandchildren and a hottie for a son-in-law, but damn, that means I am really OLD!!! shit!!! I forget our age difference when we talk, really do, feel like we are twin sisters since we seem to feel similar feelings and it is really weird when we know things are going wrong with each other...never forget that night that I freaked out with LL because I knew something was wrong with you...

Mich, thanks for what you just told me, you just made my day,,,maybe now, I can finally get somethings accomplished...love you sweetie....If things are disturbing at all today at the party, remember, I will be there in your heart,okay??? I am not leaving...

love,,,,gg

November 26, 2006
4:25 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am holding you while I go gg. You know how tough this is for me. It seemed easier when I had a group of sisters to come back to. The really sad part is that I got an email from to Jim today to tell them all hi. I deleted it immediately. It hurt too bad. I will see him this week as he is home. Hopefully he can help me to deal with this.

I meant what I said too honey. I wish you were my mom. I love you

November 26, 2006
4:27 pm
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ggfred4
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mich, I need some input from Jim too on what transpired here...I would really like to know what he thinks...if you don't mind sharing it here...I have always liked hearing what he had to say...guess, I should be sending him a check!

You are NOT alone at the party mich, I didn't leave you, okay???

November 26, 2006
8:02 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am home, and I am still alive. Thanks for being at the party with me gg.

Love ya

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