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Afghan Sisters......After the storm...
November 25, 2006
11:10 pm
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ggfred4
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tried counseling this year...stopped after 3 visits; the woman just felt sorry for me it seemed and didn't offer any help and she only saw me every 5 weeks and that was not enough...That is when I found this site and then started online coda meetings also this last month...

No in the flesh person support at all. I have told 5 people in the last 6 years, 3 were in one night, drunk, and none of them support me...too much for them to handle from what they have more or less told me...One even asked me if I had developed early as a child and how did I dress? I got that message loud and clear...So, I tell no one ever again....It is my secret...

He still tries to kiss me on the lips (big kiss) when we get there and leave...been turning my head quickly and it worked when I got there...but when we left, I just froze and he did it...

sorry, didn't mean to discuss all of this...don't know what is wrong here..sorry,,,

November 25, 2006
11:12 pm
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gg,

Please don't apologize. You are doing exactly what this site is for, and I am honoured that you are entrusting me with this conversation.

November 25, 2006
11:13 pm
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ggfred4
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okay, just don't think i should be bothering anyone anymore about my stuff

November 25, 2006
11:14 pm
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It's OK if you don't want to talk about that right now... but it's also OK if you do.

And, I'm really sorry and in fact angry that people you "disclosed" to said such stupid and damaging things.

((((gg)))) you didn't deserve that!!!

November 25, 2006
11:16 pm
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Ah, we cross-posted.

Oh my dear, you are not "bothering" anyone here with your stuff. That is what this site is for. Anyone who doesn't want to discuss your stuff with you doesn't have to respond to you.

November 25, 2006
11:16 pm
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ggfred4
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well, i got told that by one and my closest friend told me, "okay, you said it, now forget about it, it is your past, move forward.....

She doesn't even know about my brother and definitely about the babysitting issue at all...

I feel like I am labeled sometime...

November 25, 2006
11:22 pm
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ggfred4
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well, kousin, you must have gone, not feeling to well, gonna go lay down...thank you for your kindness......gg

November 25, 2006
11:24 pm
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Sigh. Unfortunately you're probably right. People do label. I mean labels aren't totally all bad as a way just to remember a snapshot of what somebody's issues are (this is just my opinion, please remember). But they certainly often cause problems too.

It sounds to me like your friend doesn't want to (isn't capable of) dealing with anything "unpleasant" and therefore tells you to get over it.

I hate that about our culture of denial. No one would tell you to just get over it if you got hit by a car and were in hospital with broken bones. But emotional trauma doesn't receive as much sympathy and understanding.

I believe it has to be talked about, and you are doing a really good thing for yourself by searching for places you can talk about it and be heard and supported.

I'm sorry that counsellor didn't work out. I hope that after your surgery is over you can look for another one who is capable of helping you better.

November 25, 2006
11:27 pm
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Oh shoot, I took too long typing.

But gg, think about why you assumed I would have left without saying goodbye when I was the one who invited you to talk, and encouraged you to talk about something important that is very delicate and tender and is a wound in your innermost being.

I'm still here writing emails on the computer, so I will check back to see if you are still there.

And gg, if you come back to talk again, please know that I will *tell* you when I have to go. OK?

love from kousin k (the kumquat)

November 26, 2006
12:27 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Goodnight gg, and goodnight kroika.

LL, is it really just that easy to completely walk away like this....? Was what we had worth so little? Or was it never true. Letting it go is too easy.

I will post to you tomorrow, EXACTLY what I am thinking...and I promise to be somewhat nice....I still love you and I always will.

November 26, 2006
12:34 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Free,

i missed your post...I was in a hurry. Sorry, I will respond tomorrow. I have NO issue with you at all. Thanks for checking....you are fine...

November 26, 2006
12:48 am
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turnabout
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Anyone still around?

Hey Mich! how was the concert?!!

November 26, 2006
1:43 am
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turnabout
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oh well .... i will catch everyone later. Going to bed.

Hugs 'N' Kisses

turn

November 26, 2006
4:17 am
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ggfred4
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kroika, sorry, I am used to people leaving me and kind of just expect it now...sorry,,,thanks for telling me that you will tell me when you have to go...still so screwed up...apologizing gg

November 26, 2006
4:22 am
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ggfred4
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mich, it is 3:20 a.m. cst., wide awake and miserable..., I just can't seem to shake this...I don't know why I am still so low....

November 26, 2006
4:24 am
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Hi gg,

You're up very late! I hope you are back to sleep now. I was just checking back before going to bed, so I won't be posting again till tomorrow afternoon or evening probably.

But I'm glad you saw my post above. I am sending warm thoughts and good wishes your way.

Take good care of you. hugs from kousin k

November 26, 2006
4:28 am
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ggfred4
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I AM UP, ARE YOU?

November 26, 2006
5:14 am
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ggfred4
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LL, can't sleep...did you read what I wrote to you yet? Hope you did before thread gets too long...I am just going to pretend you are at work all the time...at least for now, well, if I can...I will wait on your couch for you...

Need, worried about you...haven't heard from you....

cyn, gosh, miss you, so tough, so talented, ...

mich, you are growing here right before my eyes...you have amazed me...

and then there was me,,,gg...insominiac, weak, yet caring so much, hurting over all the confrontations and criticism, not strong yet..scared now...non trusting again...seeking hope...

November 26, 2006
9:51 am
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needtoheal
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GG, MICH--

I have to decided to stay...

I won't be here that much today

but I will check back in tonight....

I am so sorry to hear that Cyn is gone...

From what I read LL is not gone just yet I hope that she will return...

Love ya sisters

November 26, 2006
9:58 am
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lollipop3
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Hi GG,

I don't know if you are still around or not but I just wanted to give you a ((((hug)))).

I know you are still feeling hurt by what happened over the past few days and I am sorry that I have contributed to that hurt...that was never my intention.

I wish that you would try not to think about what was said to the sisters as "criticism". Perhaps you could try to replace that word with a more positive word like......feedback.

It may sound silly to you and you may think....."what's the difference"....but there is a difference. We codeps tend to think in very negative terms and don't realize how much words affect the way we think about things and ourselves. We have a tendency to attribute FEELINGS that we have and turn them into CHARACTER DEFECTS...which they are not. That was a very important lesson that my therapist taught me. Like for instance....I have a tendency to say "I feel bad" about EVERYTHING. My therapist taught me that instead of saying "I feel bad"...which unconsciously gives me the blame for what happened......instead she asked me to say...."that's too bad". That way I am not internalizing whatever may have happened. Does that make sense? It's hard to do at first because it is so natural to automatically think the worst, but just try it okay. It really does work.

Also let's try replacing that word "weak" with another word like .....STRONG. Because you are strong.....much more so than you give yourself credit for.

I hope this helps you a little bit and I think if you keep trying to replace those negative words with more postive words....in time you will see what a difference it can make.

Love,
Lolli

November 26, 2006
11:22 am
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ggfred4
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Need, thanks for checking in and staying...it was nice hearing from you...

Lolli, you gave me some good pointers...I KNOW it was never your intention to criticize...you do not need to apologize...I know the problem is ME...I just can't quit crying about it all and don't know why I can't get over it...I feel like I have lost something I can't get back; like I have been at a funeral every day...I am hoping time will take care of this...I am crying now again...Lolli, I am not a crier, really, am not...I poured out my soul on this site and now feel so vulnerable...I can't even explain how I feel; still can't...I don't feel understood either, but probably because I don't understand either...I do know that I am very depressed now and that bothers me, because I have gone backward, while the others seem to have gain strength from all of this and that makes me hate myself more...

But Lolli, I want you to know that I do have a lot of other stuff going on in my life contributing to this...Believe me, it is not just this site...I will admit to being stronger than that....I just can't talk about it now...

So please, don't apologize anymore Lolli...it is not you, it is my reaction...I am just lost right now with no direction, standing at the four way stop in the middle of the desert in tears and cannot move...that is the only way I can describe how I feel at the moment...
sincerely,,,,,gg

November 26, 2006
11:37 am
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lollipop3
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GG,

I understand. You say that you are generally not a crier but have been crying alot lately....It really sounds like what you've got is a good old case of depression. Have you talked to your doctor about this?

If my suggestions make you uncomfortable...please let me know...but I would also like to suggest that you try to stop comparing your recovery to others here. We all recover at our own rate, and that does not make anyone better or worse than you. Recovery is a lifelong process and we ALL have setbacks, even those that have been in recovery for YEARS and we have all felt like we are back at square one at one time or another. Just remember that we are never back at square one. No matter what happens, or how low you may feel.....everything that you've learned and all the growth that you've achieved is still with you and always will be.

I know this is a very difficult time for you with the holidays, the upcoming surgery and what has been going on here....but you're still here and you're still reaching out and you're still fighting. That takes a lot of strength and courage. Don't take that away from yourself. Be patient and gentle with yourself during this time and have faith in yourself that you will get through this.

My thoughts are with you.

Love,
Lolli

November 26, 2006
1:26 pm
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ggfred4
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Thanks Lolli, your suggestions are not making me uncomfortable at all, I promise...in fact, they have been helpful...yes, I am reaching out, not giving up, but hurting so much...

November 26, 2006
1:46 pm
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bevdee
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Mandy and GG

I need to say something to you. I appreciate you being here. I appreciate yall's honesty with each other and with the other posters, no matter what the context.

At first, I thought I was reading this because of my niece. After this weekend and my part in the interactions here, I had decided to ...step awaaay from the boards!

Here's what has happened with me- I will try to keep it brief. I am going to preface this by saying that there is absolutely no need to respond to this.(But you may!!) This is not meant to become yall's burden! It is helping me to say it, and if it helps you..great.

After reading the posts and my postings yesterday morning, I decided to clean house. I do this with a vengeance when I am upset. I really cleaned, and in straightening a closet, found an old choctaw language dictionary that had been misplaced for over 2 years. My nana gave it to me before she died. Wrapped inside an AFGHAN (intended for my niece's hope chest) that I had never finished.

There is some big symbolism or siginificance going on there!! If I were a real cosmic trippy hippie chick, I could sum something up, but I am going to leave it for now. Ponder on it some more.

GG- you remind me of a friend I have that needs me very much right now. I see in you the same sweetness and self-doubt that I know she has. She is the most loyal friend I have ever had, and sometimes my perception of her need and expectations take my breath away. I love her.

Mandy- Since all this started I have had triggers tripped by you. Because you are suicidal and because my mother threatened and sister threatens suicide. Because, like my mother, in your pain you are reaching beyond all that life dealt you. I respect that in you.

I was telling myself I was reading your thread to learn about my niece. When the thread flamed, I told myself I was just interested to see how it would resolve.

I was not being honest with myself. I was drawn to this thread because it is something in me that needed to come to the surface for examination.

I am not going to step away, I am going to watch and learn. And I might pop in sometime to say hi, ok? You two- or 3- 6- whatever this grows to be? continue to love each other. Love is precious and needs alot of nurturing. I am just starting to learn about loving myself. It's kinda scary for me to change old patterns.

I'm very glad you're staying.

Bevdee

November 26, 2006
2:13 pm
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ggfred4
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Bevdee,
That was wonderful, absolutely wonderful...thank you for sharing...

I want to share too, but can't yet...thank you for caring...

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