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About Cyber Sex?
March 7, 2006
10:03 am
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exoticflower
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Just in general, can we talk about it? Not how you do it, I think I get that, but could it be aknowleged the same as the real thing, or at least the same as messing around? And if you have it with an ex is it like sleeping with your ex in any way? I would just like some opininons or general attitudes about how it compares to the real thing, if at all...thanks.

March 7, 2006
10:08 am
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exoticflower
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To clarify this though, the romantic start of ex and I was primarily through emails becasue we met right before he went home for a school break his senior year in college before we could face to face date, so online communication is soemthing we do on a fairly personal level usually.

March 7, 2006
9:40 pm
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exoticflower
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It may sound comical or stupid, I guess, but this is soemthing that I really would like some imput on and am having a difficult time knowing how to feel about. Just posted here becasue it seemed like more contervercial subject matter.

March 7, 2006
10:05 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Hey EF:

Honestly, I don't know anything about cybersex. I have known several that have met and had a physical relationship and in my statistical realm I would say that from 5 couples I know of 1 worked out and 4 did not.

Oh, and I'll stand stupid right beside you coz I have no clue as to exactly what cyber sex would be and don't know that I'd care to know or not.

🙂

March 7, 2006
10:15 pm
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exoticflower
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LOL, Mamac, I think it's the "mama" in your name, but I suddenly feel very guilty.

I think cybersex is a little more complex than what I was involved in...cyber sex I think is more like out and out talking dirty to get the job done. What happened here was that we where talking via email and he was being unusually validating to me regarding our past, owning some of his stuff that he never had before, and like a sucker I got dragged into admitting how much I still love him and how I hate what he did, and then we started talking about why we missed each other, and then about what we missed most, and then it got a little carried away and I said "you know, this is a little intense for me", but I don't know if I'm being stupid or not for that. He was speaking (writing) really sincerely and beutifuly about me and us physically and I've not been able to shake it, I'm sorry I even had the talk, and feel somehow like I just made things a lot harder on myself. Further, isn't it just as sadistic to discuss intimacy with your abusive ex as it is to partake in it? I mean, yes, he was a terrible partner and messed my head up good, but I'm out of that now, I'm not a frail emotional slip of a thing that walks on eggshells and takes his word as gods anymore. I don't know how this happened, or what level of intimacy I should compare it to, or if I should just pretend it never did...

March 7, 2006
11:01 pm
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sdesigns
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EF: I've never had cyber sex orr even had anyone suggest it.

As for you- please be careful in what you engage in w/ your ex! Although what you are doing w/ him is not literally physical, it implies an emotional intimacy w/ you and I think you are still too susceptible to him. Please be careful where you let this take you.

SD

March 8, 2006
1:41 am
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sewunique
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Hmmmm...

to ask a question with a question here.

How do you equate this with phone sex? Is it the same? Then this would be your answer.

It is all about substitutions, (of the physical nature) yet it IS an emotional involvement.

And, isn't a great part of sexual invlovement emotional? what one thinks or envisions?

Isn't cyber sex used for one's personal pleasure with another person invloved? whether physically present or not?

Cyber sex is a huge discussion with being unfaithful to the other partner, so I guess you could consider that idea with your question as wwell.

I am more concerned about your emotional involvement with this person.

You do have much to think about here, I agree. Perhaps the "why" of this behavior with an ex is the real question?

I guess I have more questions than answers for you.

Sew

March 8, 2006
9:14 am
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tracylyn
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Hey ef ~

First let me say, don't beat yourself up about this. You didn't do anything wrong. You acted in the moment and you enjoyed hearing the things and having those feelings. This is your ex, it's not like you've found some stranger on-line and started talking dirty. This is a step in your journey.

I think the bigger question to ask yourself here is WHY does his validation mean so much to you?

You've worked really hard to heal and you've come a long long way. I think you are getting to a point where you are ready to finally break free but you are still looking for his sincereness and you seem to still have a need to know that he cares and that he misses you.

It's tough, and we are human and everyone needs to feel wanted. Allow yourself to enjoy the fact that he apologized and that he does miss you in every way and turn that around to start enjoying your life to the fullest, knowing that you deserve better but without his words taking you back to a place that you've worked so hard to walk away from.

Use this knowledge as the closure you needed.

t

March 8, 2006
9:21 am
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tracylyn
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Also, I forgot to ask....

Do you actually consider what you did cyber sex or was it really just an intimate conversation with your ex-husband?

t

March 8, 2006
11:12 am
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exoticflower
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I guess I don't know if I would concider it entirely sexual in nature, really, I suppose it was really just an intimate conversation about our past sex life.

As for the validation and the WHY I need it mentioned by both Tracy and Sew, I don't think it is so much about me missing him or needing to know that he misses me, but as a single mother who is still not back in the game and such, I DO get really lonely and down on myself sometimes, and it was nice to hear and helped me to let my guard down when we where talking. I think the validation that really got at me was that he was owning so much of the abuse and saying he KNEW now that he did some of the things and how deeply they impacted my entire life and esteem and such. He's never been able to own any part in something that completley turned my life inside out and was totally destroying me, and MOST of it was exact, text book phsychological abuse. He never before owned the real severity and general 'phucked-up-ness" of what he did to me on a regular basis to systematically acheive his desired results. And I thought I was ok with that, that I was fine with ME knowing and never letting it happen again. I think a lot of it is that so much of my pain has come from the person I love, Truly love (as much as I wish I didn't and know it is not a healthy love to pursue, alow, or act on), and to actually hear him express some remourse for having hurt me--I don't know how to explain it, but it took away a lot of the frustration or resentment I've felt for so long having this all INVALIDATED because there where no scars or bruises.

Wow--in writing that, I realize that this sounds a little emotionally trapping for me. Suddenly, just now, he's deciding how I feel, I'm giving that to him. HE validated my abuse?! HE ABUSED ME! What do I need his validation for? This is really going to take a lot of thinking on my half--I guess maybe it isn't so much and issue of the sexual conversation after all. I'm going to sort my head about this before I say anything else I think. Three cheers for realizations of a healthier woman than I once was, though...

March 8, 2006
11:13 am
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exoticflower
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SD, Emotional intimacy and suseptable are two major words for me to think about in relation to all of this too, thanks.

March 8, 2006
1:00 pm
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sewunique
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EF

Validation is important to us, we who are struggling with abuse more than others. I suspect if we we not in such need to validate we were abused, then you would not give a hoot about what he thought. But it is impoetant to you . You are important and so are your feelings and what he did.

So I am glad you are questioning these things for yourseslf. It is part of the healing process to question and put things into an understandable persective.

Shoot, when I first came on here in Nov 2004, all I did was ask, ask, ask for validation if I was right or wrong after so much disbelief. It just took awhile to realize what was real, fair or not.

And am still questioning some things today.

Keep writing and tallking, it helps.

Sew

March 9, 2006
9:36 am
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exoticflower
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"comfort Zone".

I finally spilled everything to my best friend, and she said "Let me sleep on this, exotic, somethings on the tip of my tongue, I'll email you when I know what it is.

And she did, JUST these words in the subject line. And it DOES make perfect sense. I've ventured pretty far out of my comfort zone, so far that I have a whole new comfort Zone, which may be where this is so appealing. He's going way back, not just to give me our recent abusive relationship, but the very early points in our relationship that the comfort zones where established in, the 'good times'. And what tired lonely single mother DOESN'T wish they could go back to something like that, when they met their dream guy and he made her feel like the center of the universe?

And it IS me, not him--it's not like he's really crafty or smooth anymore, I see right through him--I am falling all over this because part of me WANTS to, wants the easy happy thing, which he plays into when it gives him the physical gratification that being able to talk sensously to his ex with no real responsabilites or real conciquence (if it aint happening to him, it ain't happening, you know those types). Essentially, I am setting myself up to be used here because it allows me to temporarily live in 'better' times. Which are really just times of ignorant bliss in this situation. So, at least now I know where it is about me and what I can look at and examine. And it was a nice thing to share with him, I can take it for what it was and say "oops, but it sure was heartwarming, too bad he is who he is now" and move on from there.

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