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a personal update
May 24, 2009
1:08 pm
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soofoo
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September 24, 2010
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My XBF, whom I still love but was very abusive to me, was kicked out of his sister's house where he was staying. Apparently, she said some rotten things about me in a drunken rage and he pushed her. As though I would ever want him to do that. This is almost exactly the same circumstances that I took him back in the last time.

But not this time. I let he and his kids stay for one night. The anxiety of doing this was overwhelming, but in the middle of the night he and his teen boys had no place else to go. (They live with their mom but were spending the weekend with dad) Then I said no, you cannot live here now. I was tempted to over-think HIS options. But really that is not my problem.

I was very offended that he claimed to have pushed his sister to defend me. It was painful for me that he said that and believed that. Now, I don't like his sister, but the whole reason I kicked him out was because he slapped my face and pulled my hair, and it wasn't the first time. I would never want him to hurt a woman and for him to claim that he did it FOR me was just twisted and it felt horrible, and I felt ashamed. Of course, I am aware that the feelings of shame are inappropriate. But they were still there. I had to tell him that I felt very much for his sister, that I know what it's like to be pushed around by someone bigger than you, that I don't care what she said about me, I was not there and I was not being hurt. I did not need his protection.

I was utterly amazed that he felt no guilt about pushing her. He said "She's not a woman to say those things about you. I don't regret it."

I wonder if that is how he truly felt every time he hit me. Y'all told me that but I didn't believe y'all and sometimes got pretty angry about it.

I watched him with a fair amount of detachment, ask me if I wanted him to apologize to her. As though this was my choice. For him, it was my choice. I'm like "I don't know." Total tangent here, if you feel yourself to tend towards codependent behaviors, try saying "I don't know" the next time someone asks you a question. Just try it. It's like freedom.

Anyway, since he wasn't allowed back here, he went back to his sister's, apologized and lived happily ever after in the garage. The end.

I am letting all of this sink in right now. This happened last weekend. What I am really trying to chew and swallow here is this hugely difficult probability that he never had any true remorse for having hurt me. That he simply did what he had to do (apologize, write poetry, whatever) to get what he needed.

I still love him but I have been really happy on my own. I have no desire to be with anyone else, except for a brief urge I had to go out and date to assert my independence, which I never got going anyway. Other parts of my life have been blooming and opening up and I have been spending my energy on those.

I have kept my eyes open to see if he would pick himself up. Yet I keep my distance.

Now I am considering that maybe I shouldn't be looking for him to pick himself up. I want him to be well and happy, but even if he gets to that point, I still think it would be too risky to take him back.

The lack of remorse thing is really scary. That he would apologize on my command is really scary. His apologies are mere manipulation?

May 30, 2009
1:37 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Good for you!

Bitsy

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