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a little dirty talk
May 12, 2005
6:22 pm
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exoticflower
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I wasn't sure if I should aproach this at ST.

I have broken up with my ex for all of the right reasons, am working (sometimes poorly, mind you) on no contact, but wonder about this...

He was REALLY good in the areas of intimacy--he was a virgin his senior year in College when we met, and I sort of got to have him 'custome made'. I mean, to my exact specifications, it was great! So, now I can't get it on with him anymore, I wonder if I'll be 60 before I get it on again period ( I should say make love or consimate or something, I know). Any thoughts on sexuality while getting better? Or on the sex that was SO good from the partner that was SO bad?...

May 12, 2005
7:14 pm
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jamaicanwife
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Sorry, can't relate, but I think a lot of people on this board know exactly what you mean.

I thought I was the only person who couldn't say 'have sex', as in 'I like to have sex!' Oh my, I'm blushing!

May 12, 2005
7:39 pm
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exoticflower
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Oh fine.

"I like sex. SEX. I find it physically pleasing and gratifying, I am a strong adult woman who is comfortable with her own sexual desires and natural urges."

Yeah. Blushing big time. Didn't I sound very progressive for a second though?

May 12, 2005
7:42 pm
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Wow exoticflower, I've been thinking about that a lot. I'm pretty sure I'd never take my ex back if I had the chance, but I miss having sex with him so much! The sex was the best I ever had, and that was mutual. The thought of having sex with anyone else right now just isn't appealing. I'm wondering how long it'll be before that changes.

-ella

ps what do you mean by "ST" ?

May 12, 2005
8:50 pm
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exoticflower
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support threads.

May 12, 2005
9:28 pm
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Oh! Sometimes I can't figure out initials.

I could be wrong, but I think I remember SC saying that it is appropriate to discuss sexual issues here. They relate to a lot of coda issues so sometimes people need somewhere to discuss very intimate things.

Just the impression I always had. So long as everyone is respectful of one another.

-ella

May 13, 2005
12:10 am
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exoticflower
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I often see younger people there, and didn't want to foul up any young minds. Also, this seemed a bit more racy than most subject matter, and this seems to be a more risque foum. I'm sure I spelled that wrong.

But I digress...what about the question at hand? Are people who are working on getting better doomed to abstinance? And what about the bad partner good sex? I am with you ella, doesn't sound good at all right now, but in theory, I would like to have something like that again, just not with him...I wonder if he's ruined me? If I will associate good lovin' with bad times from here on out?

May 13, 2005
10:29 am
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Cici
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Few heterosexual women own their own sexuality, I find. It was a quest for me, as I was sexually assaulted in my teen years a couple of times.

The key is knowing how to pleasure yourself, and then applying those principles to intimate activities with others. Some people simply fit well together, others don't....also, what I would call great sex, you might call degrading, or weird, or just plain not good.

You have to actively try NOT to associate good sex with bad relationships. Too many women have that problem, as jerks tend to have big apparati, and are good in bed (thus, they can be jerks and still get sex).

May 13, 2005
10:38 am
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exoticflower
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Cici, that is an interesting comment about owning their sexuality. A lot to think about. Care to elaborate? Not that I disagree at all, I just want to understand it better.

And I think great sex can only be determained by the final outcome, never you mind what got you there!)

May 13, 2005
10:53 am
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Cici
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Well, a lot of women depend on their partner for pleasure. They don't do things like, touch themselves during intercourse, or change position (they let the man toss them around)....many MANY women cannot reach orgasm through penetration, which I personally think stems from a mental block. It's about knowing what YOU want from a sexual encounter and not being afraid to ask for it, discuss it, or take care of yourself if need be.

I think the essential part of this is being able to discuss sex frankly with your partner - in an open communicative, non-demanding, non-threatening way. You should be able to talk about the quality of your sex after intercourse (when men are relaxed and more candid post-orgasm).

Also - letting go, of the intellectualism of sexuality. When you are in the moment, thinking too much can impair the full experience of your sexual being (men experience this problem as erectile dysfunction, or an inability to orgasm, or premature ejaculation)

May 13, 2005
10:56 am
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exoticflower
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-letting go, of the intellectualism of sexuality. When you are in the moment, thinking too much can impair the full experience of your sexual being

Wow. Powerful truth there. If I don't die abstinant while getting better, I have to keep that in mind.

May 13, 2005
11:39 am
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sdesigns
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Good thread. Since the ex I haven't had a steady partner and I did enjoy the comfortable feeling i had w/ him. I slept w/ a couple fo guys and was completely turned off. So..what to do? I like sex but feel like I'll never have it again. So I just keep thinking about it and what I want it to be like- if I ever get to have it again. Oh and I like big apparati- does that mean I should look for guys w/ little ones, to avoid jerks? (kidding... I hope)

May 13, 2005
3:48 pm
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exoticflower
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Mine had little aperati, it's all technique sometimes.

You know, you can buy apperati, no personality flaws to deal with!

May 13, 2005
3:50 pm
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jamaicanwife
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Aperati? Are these anything like apertifs?

PENIS, PENIS, PENIS...oh, I'm blushing again.

May 13, 2005
4:09 pm
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exoticflower
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JW, what a dirty mouth!:)

May 13, 2005
4:48 pm
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sdesigns
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That depends, JW. Is it after dinner?

May 13, 2005
5:43 pm
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exoticflower
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OK, now we're ALL blushing, right?

May 13, 2005
7:54 pm
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There's a lot more to sex than just being stimulated. Masturbation is all well and good and important, but it does not equal making an intimate connection with another human being that you love.

Bad relationships are not simply bad because one individual is a jerk. There can be a lot of painful issues and at the same time the two people can have a connection that allows for satisfying physical intamacy. Some of it's tenderness- not just "getting off."

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