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A hello to all from REVELATION!! on hating myself??
August 10, 2005
12:02 pm
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revelation
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Hello All,

I see most of you are doing well, but can't see anything from 2bstrong or randomwoman...is everything ok you two?

Well, went off on my romantic trip to Co. Clare, what a lovely place it is. I would advise any of you guys who have ever thought of visiting Ireland to go to the lovely Burren region of Co. Clare, its magical. Forget Dublin (Where I live!!) and Cork, Clare is a taste of old Ireland!!
So we had a lovely time and we drove home and I was expecting to spend the rest of my time off work just chillin' out, pottering about the garden and such...but no, God had other plans! My car got very very sick! So, I spent the last few days of my vacation trying to get a mechanic to fix my car, stress stress stress!! Then the BF gets sick. So, now car is in garage recovering, due to be discharged tomorrow, BF is in bed recovering, due to feel better tomorrow!!!

As far as little old me is concerned...well its surprising just how much not having a car has got me in the rats!!! No...I have been laying down the law a bit with BF, I'm not sure whether its a good thing or a bad thing.

The only issue I have with him stems from his upbringing....I know it will take time for him to unlearn but its frustrating.

The erratic job situation, some weeks there is work the next there is not. As far as I can see (and this is the important bit) He could be working all the time but when it comes to putting your hand up and saying "Hey I can do that" he's too shy, or when it comes to asking the boss "Hey, is there any work I can do" he's too shy.
I think its from his childhood where he was never encouraged to speak up for himself. Anyone else relate?

My big hurdle I am trying to conquer: And any help would be great!
As a child, teenager, in my twenties, I was pretty, I was pretty enough to be a teen-model (Even though I did this and was good at it I still never really thought I was all that good-looking). But now looking back at photos I can see...yeh, I was, what a pity I didn't have any confidence to show it off then! What a WASTE!!
Anyway, its not to do with age or anything (31), but lately I've been really loathing the way I look, well...last week I hated myself, every time I looked in the mirror I felt like shattering it.
I don't want people to think..oh vanity...get over it. Its really effecting my self-esteem, and last week I couldn't go outside my house...that scared me. I've never been that bad before. I tried once to walk down the street last week but turned back in tears thinking people would look at me and think.."Oh, she's hideous". I've put on some weight which I am trying to lose (By eating healthy - nothing too drastic!), maybe this will help, but I think the underlying problem must be psychological, but I can't figure it out...and I can't bring myself out of it. Its just a feeling of self-loathing, self-disgust. Does anyone, anyone identify? and is there anything I can do to get out of it??

August 10, 2005
1:13 pm
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addicts wife
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((((REV)))))
I can sooo totally identify withthese feelings you were describing. Ive gained about 30 pounds in the last 3 years, and ALWAYS had bodyimage issues, but this time I know Ive been rather unhealthy.
Too embarrassedt ogo to the coffee shops I once frequented becasue I know how catty, and petty and MEAN folks are, I am too self conscious to go for walks, because non of my clothes fit well, due to by new Butt ((LOL)) but then when I send people pictures of myself((reluctantly)) They tell me I am NOT nealry as bad as I make myself out ot be,, that I look great, thin, etc.
But when i see myself I see a magnified horrificly fat, hideous, grotesque person with 4 chins, and a HUGE bubble butt, and a stomach that hangs on my thighs.
I have lost a few pounds so far,And have been felin a little better. I even wore shorts in public all last week, and a legitimate womans bathing suit on the beach,((Instead of my long baggy boy shorts with a tank top.)) but am being careful to NOT get carried away with yself, as I did have an eating disorder a few years back.
I know, that with me, alot of this comes from my mom, always dieting and telling me I "was never thin, Never strong.."etc. The other parts Ihave identified as from feeling no control with my health,and an incident that was referred to as date rape years ago. Etc. I had no control of what was happeningto my body, so I began getting tattoos, ((artwork no one could steal or throw away, )) And began walking endlessly, eating minimally, and working out every spare second I had. It became kind of a game to see how long it would take me to lose a pound, then another pound then another pound, and before i knew It I'd lost 43 pounds in like 2 months. I was down to 123 pounds, with a large frame at 5feet 6 inches tall. I wasnt waiflike by anymenas so I didnt see it as an issue at the time, But going from a size 10 to a size 4 in 2 m,onths was not right, and looking back at the pictures of that time, My clothes looked great, but I did not look healthy, at all.

A big part of me knows I am healthier now, and a very very small part of me is okay with that, but that mean, gross voice in my head tells me Im too fat t ogo out, and be the social butterfly i once was, becasue I know that it will cause chatter, cruelty, and gossip. ((And I was NEVER someone who gave a rats behind what people said)) SO I KNOW I still have a lot fo work to do on my brain, and Im very busy taking care of the physical parts with all my illnesses and ailments,((which does NOT help my self esteem)) But I do also seem to keep a pleasant disposition 99% of the time, But that 1% sure feels huge and dark and ugly when it comes out of the wood work.
I'm going ot have ot mention this side of me to my primary care doctor, becasue as Im siting here typing all this I am realizing that Ive kept a lot of my body issues hidden fropm everyone, except J, who listens and empathizes, but doesnt "Get it." but is also very supportive when he can be to the best of his ability. He has helped me learn to be comfortable in my skin whe nhes around, encourages me to NOT wear the biggest baggiest frumpyest clothes I can find and to take the extra minute ot "Put my face on" or od my hair, and strut around the house like I am a goddess, or a movie star diva.
I do remeber feeling just as uncomfortable and unnerved whe npeople wouldcomment on how thin I was too. It never seemed to end. "Do you eat?? Are you sick?? You look frail, or you look all buff are you doing Pilates, what do you mean youre not staying for dinner, I invited you over for dinner...EAT dammitt (((LOL)))"
Maybe i can find a distorted body image suport group. I'll look into it, and get back to you.

SOOooooooo glad ytou enjoyedMost of your road trip.. hope your car and B/F are recovering nicely. Ive always wanted to go to Ireland , because the majority of my fathers side of the family is from Ireland. I just dont know who or where since most of them passed away from illnesses. Im sure parts of Ireland are absolutely breathtaking. "...........Somedaaay."

(((hugs))))
AW

August 10, 2005
7:04 pm
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lollipop3
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Hi Rev and welcome back.

I'm glad you enjoyed your vacation for the most part and I hope B/F is feeling better.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your physical self. My suggestion to you would be to discuss this with your doctor or therapist. The reason I suggest this is because I have a friend who had a lot of issues with her body that went unchecked for waaaayyyy to long. She now suffers from body desmorphic disorder, anerexia, and paranoia (to name a few) and has to be medicated daily.

I'm not saying this is the case with you but I would talk to someone about it just to be safe. After all....we never thought that was the case with my friend either...until it was too late.

Good luck. You'll be in my thoughts.

Lolli

August 10, 2005
8:34 pm
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((((REV)))))

Hi sweetie, we missed you. Welcome back!!!!

I am glad you've had romantic vacation. Ya, I would love to visit Ireland, I am sure it's all romantic. I've been to Wales & England. Missed Scotland & Ireland.

I can so well relate to your bf. When I was kid, I was not affirmed, was brought up by unemotional mom, thus I lacked self-confidence. I could not express my wants & desires be it at school or office, always felt that others would make fun. It took me so many years to re-build my self-confidence. The fact that I was doing it on my own - no therapist or outside help whatsoever - boosted my self-esteem and self-worth and was indeed the biggest payoff in this process. Now, I am helping people with low self-esteem issues and depression.

As for your problem with your body. I can also relate. I remember whenever I put on just a few weight; I would really become depressed. I think being slim has a lot to do with self-esteem. But honey, there is no need to self-loathing. You have lovely personality which I am sure is the result of being outwardly beautiful as well.

Sorry your car broke down and your bf had some indisposition. At least both are recuperating.

Glad to you posting again,

~Love, RAS~

August 12, 2005
5:42 am
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revelation
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Thanks to you all, maybe I'm not ready to let go of this sanctuary just yet. Maybe I'll always need you!

I think I caught BF's cold!!! Uuugh, when does the stress end?

August 12, 2005
10:22 am
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addicts wife
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lol...stressends?!?!?!?! no one evertold me that. Hmmm I wonder when it will end.
LOL
((sorry))
Ive been battlinga cold myself, and a sloppy J who seems tothink I am a maid.Im not diggin this "role" but if i dont clean up No one will. ((grrr)))
my mom says "NEVER wait ofr a 'man' to do anything, just do it and let it go, otherwise you'll drive yourself carzy..."
I hguess shes right, but I still dont like it much. when we first started living together he was all like " everything is going to be 50/50 in this house, dont you worry..."
Ummm so wheres my half???
LOL.
"Oh well"

August 15, 2005
12:48 pm
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revelation
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Hello AW,

Nope, I'm now of the opinion that stress never ever ends!

I got my car back on thursday with a 600euro gearbox repair!! I just don't have that kinda money lying around, so I had to get a loan of my brother-in-law (more debt). Everything was fine until saturday night, I went to give BF a lift to his gig and TA-DA the bloomin' heap of metal wouldn't start AAARRGH!!! So, I kicked it a bit and then just went to bed and gave up on life for a few hours. I had to have it towed to a garage this morning, up to a few minutes ago I was thinking...here we go, another couple of hundred euros' down the drain, but the mechanic just called (I though I saw a halo and wings when I was talking to him!!!!!) and says its a simple fault which will only cost 30euros and my car will be ready tomorrow.....aaaahhhh its funny how just one teeny tiny bit of good news provided so much relief!

By the way, I really hope what your mom told you is not true!!! Cuz I will end up driving myself crazy wiating in BF to do stuff!!

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