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5 weeks separated...terrible pain
July 29, 2008
8:30 pm
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voivod
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everyone...marypoppins, stronginhim77, sininho, fantas...

thank you all, i love you guys! i just got back from lunch with the wife. this is the woman who hates me? can't be married to me? everything was so wonderful. just like dinner the night before, perfect! no fights, no arguments, no petty bickering, just kind, loving conversation. what is going on here? is she trying to set me up for dissappointment? (god that sounds so much like the old me!) i think the only time she shows her teeth is when the subject of reconciliation comes up. anyway, thanks again. this is therapeutic.

July 29, 2008
8:31 pm
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voivod
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oops, sorry for the post here, i've moved to "the lib side" thanks

July 29, 2008
8:32 pm
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voivod
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and to top it all off she called me tonight for advice on a civil matter that she's going to court for (a collection case), i'm the guy she couldn't trust! this gives me hope! should it?

July 30, 2008
3:19 am
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marypoppins
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V,

You acknowledged that the common thread in all the posts to you is to focus on yourself. Yet every one of your own posts mentions something about your wife and getting back together with her. You're analyzing every conversation and encounter with her looking for evidence that she wants to be with you.

All of this time spent in analyzation is time you're NOT working on your own recovery.

You wrote that you thought she'd be much happier with a sober, right-thinking you. How can you KNOW that? How do you know what's best for her?

Recovery is a painful process. You may not be drinking right now to ease your pain, but your focus on your wife is another way to avoid dealing with your own issues. She's not the solution.

This cannot be faked. There is no short cut, as Sini wrote.

Go to meetings, work with your sponsor, see your therapist on your own. Get deep into the work. Don't just talk the talk, as they say. Walk the walk.

All the best to you.

Mary

July 30, 2008
9:17 pm
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voivod
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what an incredible day. i just got done with a visit to my NEW counselor. he's 28 yrs sober and a wow what a calming force. my previous counselor got a job with the school district am she referred me to this guy. i was so comfortable with him, the issues came right forward. the session concluded on a very positive note (wife still cares and she still talking to you, thats good sign for reconciliation) and he turned me loose on a great book "ten days to self esteem" by david burns...and just like me, i wanted to rip thru it and fix everything. nope, he said, slow down, we're gonna work hard on one lesson per week. anyway, i think i shed more tears today than i have in my life, guilt, sorrow, joy, hope, confidence, all of this in one meeting. hard to believe this guy landed in my little corner of idaho, what a resource. chapter one in the book, done, now the work begins "are you willing to pay the price for happiness?" here goes. that along with70 plus days of sobriety. yay more later tonite

July 30, 2008
9:37 pm
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Hey, voivod, I cant go to sleep and not reply here. I have one other reply and done. Listen why not take that good feeling with you to sleep and let it be your night reflection. Im about to do that. this encounter with yur counselor deserves to be savored, reflected upon, thanked for.

One other thing, I loved David Burns´ book Feeling good the new mood therapy. I understand he is a cofounder of cognitive psychology with whathisname. Its no arm psychology but he makes it so light, humorous, yes, humor is healing. there are two ways Ill comment on someone´s chosen literature, medication and therapy: If I liked them a lot or if or if they may be hazardous to your health. David Burns anytime. Yes, slowly bc its so good you dont wanna stop. I used to take the book apart and take pieces with me in the train to read and mark all over.

Im also working on getting a sponsor but first I got to settle down in one of 2-3 forums Im visit. I sense the need for my accountability besides support.

Again go slowly on the book so you can make refereces/links/bridges to situations and actions in your life that apply to what youre reading. as my T says, it takes practice. Reliving your bad times with a good new consciousness may be the best way to bid those times farewell and make a new beginning.

hugs, Sini

July 31, 2008
1:31 am
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voivod
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((((sininho))))...i love this on line hugging thing! i am going to take your advice and take my good feeling to sleep, because damn if it has not been reenforced by my beautiful bride. she knows how to make me feel needed, which happened again today!!!

anyway, for those who haven't been turned on to burns' books, i would take ten days to self esteem and WORK IT FIRST before any of these codependency reads. burns' theory is: love is the only thing worth living for...self love, giving and receiving love, real...healthy love. you can't have it without self-esteem.

i said i saw my new counselor today. so much of this damage has been done in our youth, and this guy found something about me: my dad, who was not an alcoholic (there was only one in my family, my uncle (dad's brother) anyway unkle alcoholic made my dad feel forced to enlist in the navy bc of his drinking and how it affected dad's family (my aunt, grampa and gramma) it was dad's turn to move away from the farm and grow up. so he hitchhiked to san diego from a small town here and enlisted. this story begins my characterizing my dad as "superman." dad really was. he was the president of the pop warner football league that i played in as a kid. a real stand up dude, integrity, hard working (an enlisted man making it up to e-9 warrant officer and master chief well before leukemia took him with 3 months to go before his 20 years in the service and retirement. he was my hero (and the one deceased person i'll be making amends to when it's time) and here's where my recovery stands.

i tried like the dickens to live up to my dad. i wanted to live like him, be the integrous, straight shootin', amen to the end kinda guy. well, thats a tough order to fill, and so i used alcohol to numb myself when i couldn't or felt i didn't.

deal is, i love my dad more than i ever knew, he was my hero. you get it, i hope. now i'm left in this pile of smoldering embers that is/was my self esteem.

God knows that was a tough story to tell, twice in one day (once to my therapist, and once here.)

anyway, so i get this call tonight, from my wife (who works at a medical facility) and the want to do an ultrasound on her pancreas tomorrow bc of some ongoing pains she has had. I have prayed since i found out that this was going on that nothing could be wrong. why is this stuff all the sudden happening. who says God doesn't give you more than you can handle???

July 31, 2008
6:57 am
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voivod

One day at a time, just for today I will to the best of my ability work the 'step' that I am on and carry out the tasks that life has set before me. All the rest I will hand over to my Higher Power.

Most importantly, just for today I will not pick up the first drink, for it is the first drink that does all the damage. One drink is one too many and a thousand not enough!!

July 31, 2008
5:01 pm
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Voivod, the pain from our woes has always been there but we did our best to avoid it. Dont try to numb, neither fight it. One day at a time has it come to be, one day at a time, has it got to go.

I have a huntch you got to your first or one of the first pains in your life. An English neuro psych visited here and said it is very healing for people to get to their first pain which once healed, heals all others.

It may seem too much for the moment, but dont dwell on it for fixing it. Just live yur pain without numbing it, without denial, with empathy as the one yu find here. Slowly you will put the pieces together and see how they fit. what brought here to where you are today, are not only the good moments, but moments like these, that will defy your understanding and strength. Look for some mottos and afffirmations in your AA program and theyll help you a lot. Next Ill write yu a poem Ive memorized its so good.

hugs, Sini

July 31, 2008
5:09 pm
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Anonymous
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MY LIFE IS JUST A WEAVING

My life is just a weaving
Between my god and me
I do not see the colors
He works steadily
Sometimes he weaves sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget He sees the upper
And I the under side
Not till the loom is silent
And shuttles cease to fly
Will God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why
The dark threads are as needfull
In the weaver´s skillful hand
As are the gold and silver
In the pattern he has planned

author unknown to me (unfortunately)

July 31, 2008
5:16 pm
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Anonymous
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V, I dont believe in God having a destiny per say for us, but that our actions have unescapable predictable consequences.

Once I asked a mentor whether I should go left or right, and she said "up". Just to show we always have more options than we think we do. And that our inner self is very knowledgeable and neglected sometimes by our fear, pride, etc. Youre at a fork in the road of your life which only those who search for something better get at. There can only be good things from this.

As for your wife, your family and the good people here are having the best wishes for her. Have faith.

hugs, Sini

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