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2b, Topic of guilt
June 16, 2005
6:29 am
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CODA_Mom
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Hey 2b,

I just read your post under "positive thoughts" and guilt. This is such a powerful area for codas and one that I have personally struggled with and believe have overcome. In order to do this, I had to learn the difference between real guilt --you know you did wrong, and accept forgiveness, and false guilt -- expectations that others place on us, and try to make us feel guilty when we don't fulfill those expectations.

I wish I had more time to discuss this, but for now wanted to recommend a wonderful booklet, "When We Don't Measure Up", thru RBC Ministries. You can either read it online or send away for it (free) at:

http://www.rbc.org

Just click on "Discovery Series Booklets" and then enter "guilt" in the search engine.

I've cut and pasted the first few paragraphs here for you:

EXPECTATIONS AND GUILT

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

All of us live by expectations that are seldom expressed but always felt at some level. No one is exempt from expectations--nor do we want to be. A world without expectations would be a world of complacency without challenge or progress. Expectations have the potential to spur us on to higher levels of character and achievement.

Still, not all expectations carry the potential for good. Depending on why they are imposed or how accurately they are perceived, personal, family, and/or community expectations can be brutal demands that set the stage for a lifelong battle with unnecessary guilt.

The topic of expectations is complicated. In most cases, we're not striving to meet just one kind of expectation. Many of our personal goals have their roots in family expectations. Likewise, most community standards work together with personal or family expectations. While there is overlap among the three categories, it's helpful to explore each one separately

****Note: The web site is Christian-based

Regards, CM

June 16, 2005
8:45 am
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CODA_Mom
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Just to add this:

"Even though our preoccupation with the approval of others puts more distance between ourselves and God, we are apt to let others be the measure of how we feel about ourselves. Instead of bringing our real failures and guilt to a God who is waiting to comfort and forgive us, we continue to measure ourselves by ourselves and compare ourselves among ourselves".

June 21, 2005
11:20 am
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2bstrong
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CODA_mom,

Thank you for the thread. I'm sorry I didn't see this the other day, I need to not be afraid to go out into the deep waters!

The dust is settling since the end of the relationship, and I am facing all of these things that I have ignored and buried for so long, like guilt, shame, and especially, fear. Approval of others has created a barrier between God and I for long enough. I truly believe that one of the good things that is coming from this crisis is that I have to look at deepening my relationship with God. He was not getting enough of me! How much longer could I have gone on?

I will check out the web site today. Thank you for caring, coda_mom. You are a gift.--2b

June 21, 2005
6:24 pm
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CODA_Mom
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(((2b)))

You go girl!!

CM

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