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How do I get control of myself?
July 25, 2012
10:49 pm
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Suhana
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Hi,
I am a 40 year old Indian woman.I was married to a man 17 years ago through arranged marriage and have 2 kids,now grown up.I have always felt that my husband has never been there for me whenever I needed him the most.For eg.when I was ill,during my troublesome pregnancy,when my kids were sick or when I thought there is some issue regarding our kids which needs to be solved together.Its because of the joint family that he neglected me and his kids.There was one occasion when he assaulted me badly in front of all his family members and outsiders.The only thing which seemed important to him was that I should look good and attractive regardless of my illness and problems.He never cared to spend time with me or sit beside me.He continuously taunted me on my looks.Nobody has told me that I am ugly,in fact many people find me attractive.
Since I love my kids and I am financially dependent on him,I have not left him.
But now I feel very dissatisfied with my life which seems to be devoid of love and respect for the time and effort I gave in bringing up the kids well and maintaining the family.
I want to be economically independent so when my kids are busy with their own lives I will not feel miserable.I have taken professional training and am now doing freelance work from my home,so I can look after my kids and home while working.
Now,I would like to tell you,my friend that I have been chatting with a US guy 8 years younger to me for 5 years.I never gave him any hint that I did not love my husband,and always seemed a happy and cheerful wife to him.Our chat was harmless till the beginning of this year and we shared a similar attitude towards looking at things.He used to chat with me for hours all these years,and flirted occasionally,but that never crossed the line of decency.Except on one incident two years back he shocked me by saying he wished I were his wife.I ignored it as his flirting.
This year in March suddenly he showed sexual interest and since we bonded well because of our chat I fell for it.
Now we are having sex on net without cam or phone.He wakes at nights to chat.And he asks every time he chats with me that am I his wife?He says,"Tell me you are mine,and nobody else's.Now he wants to meet me.

Please suggest what should I do?I am not sure if I will let him have sex with me when we meet,because even though I don't love my husband I am still married to him.To add to the complications my husband has started to be more careful with me.He is careful that he doesn't hurt me.But still it does not touch my heart because he is the same old person inside who believes that a woman and her needs are to be suppressed and ignored.I feel the other guy truly likes me,but I don't know what to do.I don't want to act in any way which will leave me torn and hurt in the end.
That is why I am trying to be economically independent so I shall have self-respect and confidence in myself.Guys,I am working hard to stand on my own,but I am not sure how should I approach this guy if he wants to meet me.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,FRIENDS for reading through this so patiently and giving your views.I WOULD BE GRATEFUL IF YOU CAN SHED SOME LIGHT ON THE ASPECTS WHICH I MIGHT BE IGNORING OR IS NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE.:)

July 26, 2012
4:23 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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The part about being financially independent for yourself and separating yourself eventually from your husband, I totally understand & I think this is a very good idea even if you stay married to him or re marry or are involved with any man.
Many women are trapped in horrible relationships & marriages because they do not know how to manage financially without their boyfriends or husbands. They stay stuck.

Its nice that you have a friend in this other guy, but if you have not misled him and he knows that you are a married woman, then you must think about his character as a person.

I might not be giving good advice here, but if it were me, I would finish one relationship before embarking into a sexual relationship with another. Particularly because children are involved.

If you are going to meet up with this online guy and you already know that your connection is very physical by nature, then think about the damage you might do in the long run.

This new relationship if it is meant to last, must be built on a stronger foundation. Even going to meet this guy for just one night of hot sex will not solve any of your problems.

Does this internet guy also have a wife?

I think you should speak to your husband about all your issues with him. Explain that you do not see a future for yourself in a marriage with him any longer and ask for a separation. Before you do that, think about the financial future of your children. Will your husband support you and the children? Do you earn enough to support yourself and your children? Does this new guy even know about your children as part of the package of you?
Were you planning on leaving the children in the care of your husband and start a new life with this internet guy?
How will your children feel? How old are your children?

July 26, 2012
9:34 pm
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Suhana
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July 25, 2012
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Hi,

First of all,THANK YOU so much for going through my post and taking the time and effort to reply to it.

I see that you are looking at this problem in a very logical and objective way.

Yes,from the very beginning(5 yrs back) I have told this guy that I am married and I have children.They are now 11 and 17 years old.He never suspected that I was unhappy in my marriage.Its only 4 months back that we started chatting sexually.No,he is not married and I don't think he is lying because when we were not involved sexually he used to tell me about his girlfriend.Later it didn't work out for them because his girlfriend had to move to other part of the country for job.Even now he stays awake all night to chat.I don't think it is possible for one who has a spouse.

I am very clear about what I think of him.I like him as the person he is,and I don't want only to be sexually involved with him.But YOU ARE RIGHT that I should solve one problem first then move to other relationship.

No,I don't earn so much that it will make me economically dependent.I will not accept any money from my husband when I separate.Because,hopefully,by then I would earn enough to support myself.If I separate from my husband my kids will stay with him as they are boys and I see that their future is secured with him,he being a wealthy businessman and he loves his kids too.I have talked to my kids and they know I don't love their father and they understand that I need to be happy too.They love me dearly just as I love them.I know that it will be shocking for them if I leave them,as it will be for me.

So,my first priority is to stand on my own.But my question is if this guy comes and wants to meet me,I will surely meet him.But if he wants to get physically intimate what should I do?He means a lot to me and I feel alive when I am with him.But I don't want to tie him to me,because I am in a very complicated situation.I don't want my personal problems to affect him.I never forget that he is 8 years younger to me.And I know that we may have no future together.

I think I am very confused.I am sorry for troubling you with my problem.But I need to find a solution which is better for me,this guy and my kids.

Thanks,

Suhana.

July 27, 2012
6:36 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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If you insist on meeting this internet guy, perhaps it would be best to meet him in a very public place. Do you really want this guy that you obviously are going to give up your children and marriage for to have sex with you the very first time you meet him physically? What do you think he wants from you if he is eight years younger than you? Do you think he wants to be a stepfather to your children? At least show some respect for yourself. So far as your children are concerned, how do you determine that an 11 and 17 year old do not need the caregiving and love of a Mother in their lives? Do you think that at 11 years of age, your son should accept that he is now going to live only with his father because you have decided to run away with Mr. Internet? Get real. You are their Mother, today and for forever until you die lady.
Sorry for sounding rude, but your priorities are a little confused. As I said, first you must decide if you want to end your marriage. Then you must always have a way to be part of your son's lives, particularly for your 11yr old. Yes, you will need to find a way to be financially able to do that & stand on your own, but your ex husband will need to help as well.
Then, when you have established your new life away from your former husband and you share the caretaking of your two children with your ex husband, you will be free to date this internet guy.
Again, my recommendation is to take this new relationship very slowly. People make all kinds of promises in the heat of the moment, particularly when they see that there reward of sex is just around the corner.
How would you feel if you gave up your beautiful children and your marriage and met with this guy and all he ever wanted was to have sex with you a few times & then never see you or speak to you again?
I know you are sad because things are not working out for you and your husband and this "fantasy" internet guy is very receptive and passionate to your needs, but please be careful. You may be throwing out an entire family 4 a couple of nights of sex. Is it worth it? How will you feel after its over?

July 27, 2012
8:49 am
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Suhana
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July 25, 2012
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THANK YOU!THANK YOU!THANK YOU!

I can't thank you enough for going through my problem again and answering to it.I know that you are giving me your genuine advice,and I can't thank you enough for it.

No,I would not stake my life for a couple of nights of sex.Sex has never been my priority,my kids have always been my priority and they will always be.It is just that I found emotional support and intellectual closeness in this person.I find the time I spend with him precious.Because sex for me not only a physical thing and when I attach myself sexually to a person,my soul,my mind and my heart binds with him too.

I will follow your advice to not allow him to get physical in our first meeting.But to be honest it will be hard for me to resist him if he wants to.Because I cannot hope to meet a guy like him again in my life and in the Indian system as you very well know that when a woman marries she is only out of it after her death.You may think that I don't have any self-respect.But that is how I feel.
But I find your advice very helpful and I WILL NOT get physical with this guy until I stand on my own,if the relationship continues till then.

Suhana

September 25, 2012
5:49 am
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ShiningLight
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No matter how you look at the situation you are still married to your husband and you've been unfaithful to him for years already. I understand that you aren't happy anymore with your marriage and you already fell out of love to him BUT is there a way for you to file for a divorce? or annulment? Talk to your husband and tell him exactly how you feel. You maybe married still but what so good about being together when you are not happy anymore?

 

How could you possibly be with other man peacefully if you have still unsettled matters with your current husband? Come to think of it. Sorry for saying all these things but I'm telling you the reality of your situation right now. If you find it hard then it might be best to seek the support of a marriage counselor so you'll know what to do and if it's still possible to save your marriage or not. I know it won't be easy but you need to pursue on things that are for common good. There are lots of jobs you can find online. Good thing about it is that it doesn't have age limits and you have full control of your time while earning as much as you want.

December 26, 2013
2:38 am
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leob81811
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December 26, 2013
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onedaythiswillpass said:

The part about being financially independent for yourself and separating yourself eventually from your husband, I totally understand & I think this is a very good idea even if you stay married to him or re marry or are involved with any man.

Many women are trapped in horrible relationships & marriages because they do not know how to manage financially without their boyfriends or husbands. They stay stuck.

Its nice that you have a friend in this other guy, but if you have not misled him and he knows that you are a married woman, then you must think about his character as a person.

I might not be giving good advice here, but if it were me, I would finish one relationship before embarking into a sexual relationship with another. Particularly because children are involved.

If you are going to meet up with this online guy and you already know that your connection is very physical by nature, then think about the damage you might do in the long run.

This new relationship if it is meant to last, must be built on a stronger foundation. Even going to meet this guy for just one night of hot sex will not solve any of your problems.

Does this internet guy also have a wife?

I think you should speak to your husband about all your issues with him. Explain that you do not see a future for yourself in a marriage with him any longer and ask for a separation. Before you do that, think about the financial future of your children. Will your husband support you and the children? Do you earn enough to support yourself and your children? Does this new guy even know about your children as part of the package of you?

Were you planning on leaving the children in the care of your husband and start a new life with this internet guy?

How will your children feel? How old are your children?


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