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An abusers cry for help..
May 27, 2014
5:09 am
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RegretfullyYours
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If you are here and reading this, please lend me some wisdom…

 

I dont know where to start so i guess i need to start at the beginning. I grew up in a verbally abusive home. My mother was always stressed, she had four kids and no help. We were poor and there seemed to be no end to her hell in sight. She tried as best she could to hold it together, none of us were easy children though. Mental disorders in all but one ranging from ADD to Schizophrenia. She used alcohol and weed as an escape and i never really thought much of all this untill this point in my life.

 

Last year on April 14th I met the man that would become my husband (yes, I'm gay). It was love at first sight, we were both so nervous that we both kept fumbling around. We bonded and connected instantly, its like we were both in sync and it was just.. natural. We spent every moment we could from that point on and married June 17th just two months later. I know, i know, we moved too fast, we didnt get to know one another properly, i know this is true. We had had arguments before and settled them fine and in a healthy productive manner but as the relationship continued to develop they started happening more and more and with more voilatile. I cannot give you an exact date that our problems took a turn for the worst, even giving a general time line would be difficult but if i had to try id say about December of that year.

 

I never really thought about the problems much, we would have a fight and things would get bad, we would curse, and say degrading things, but we would at the end of it finally talk about what was bothering us. Make up, come back from the brink and feel closer than before. I didnt know at the time but my husband was miserable.. i was oblivious.. Things took a turn for the absolute worst after we moved to Clarksville, TN. My husband is Active Duty Military and when he reinlisted here is where he chose he wanted to go. I told him it was his decision and that id support him 100% and did.

 

After moving (February 7th) and settling in (kinda) it was the week of my birthday. We decided to hold off celebrating untill the weekend and he was going to take me out and let me cut loose. We went to a club called "Play", and it was fun. I enjoyed spending the time with my husband and getting out of the house. We made what i thought were friends. From that night till about a month later, one of the people we met and my husband had a text affair (I will refer to the one he had the affair with as "A"). I was oblivious, i mean, i could sense a change, he was growing more distant but we still had sex, he still said "I love you". I figured it was something when he was ready he would tell me but made sure he knew the door was open by saying "Is everything okay"? I found out about the affair from the other person we met there who was his best friend. He asked me what was going on between him and my husband and i replied "Nothing, they are just friends", to which he in turn replied "Oh, then i guess "A" is going to be very disappointed'.

 

Ive been cheated on in almost every single one of my relationships, i have abandonment issues, issues with my own self-worth, and trust issues as well. When i met my husband though, i decided to put those to the side, i decided he was worth getting hurt for. This conversation though, it all came bubbling to the surface. I asked my husband if anything was going on between them to which he said no and i left it at that. One night i waited till he was asleep and I went through his phone. I found the texts between the two of them. I felt horrible about myself, he said things like that he was the light at the end of the tunnel and that i was an evil bitch.. Told friends that he was working twords a divorce slowly, that i was unaware and that he couldnt afford for it not to go smoothly. I made a digital copy of his phone and after i was done i flipped on the light and i tossed his phone on the bed, he asked what was happening and i said "Im done with that, and im done with you".

 

He begged me to stay and i did. I do love him.. A month later we fell on hard times again and we even broke up for a couple of days. It was my fault, i had gone to far and crossed too many lines. Even after forgiving him i still continued to invade his privacy and destroy his trust, i never delt with the anger or betrayal. I just swept it all under the rug and say it didnt matter. He was still with me. But even though i told myself that, i realize i by never dealing with that pain it just festered and every fight it would come out. During the break-up i begged and pleaded, i told him id never do it again. On the last day of the break up i later found out he went to Cooksville, saw "A", and they had sex. When he came home, he admitted he was there but said nothing happened, told me to leave it be, that he wanted nothing more to do with that, and if i didnt he would leave me for good.

 

I tried for as long and as hard as i could to just let it be. Nothing seemed to help because i felt something was off. Finially i told him we should break up because i couldnt keep my promise to leave it be. He called me selfish and i felt like scum. I told him why i couldnt and told him if there was something else and he told me it would be forgiven but that i needed to know and thats when he told me the rest.

 

After that i began swining by his work to make sure he was there, continueing to invade his privacy, harrassing him with text messages good or bad. I prevented him or made him feel bad for talking to anyone i felt could be a threat, emotionally terrorized him for months and even became physically abusive. Untill this break-up inwhich everything came crashing down i never realized what i was doing, the true pain i was inflicting on him and how sick i really was. I put myself into anger managment, am on medication and read everything i can find about what happened and why tring to find a deeper understanding.

 

Here is what I came up with. I somehow forgot how to make myself happy and made all of my happiness dependent on him, looking back that was too much pressure and he tried as best he could, but everytime he didnt meet my expectations i just bashed him over the head with guilt and ridicule making it seem like it was his fault that i was unhappy. The entire relationship had been on my time and my terms. When fights began, ended, his feelings, everything was when i was ready to deal with them, not a moment before, not a moment after.  He felt unloved and unwanted because i was not meeting his needs. So he sought it elsewhere and.. i dont blame him. After i let my insecurites and need to hold onto him and our marriage push it further and further into harms way. I let my anger and resentment get to such levels that when we faught i cracked his rib..There is no excuse for my choices and actions, and there is nothing i can really do to make amends. Its a struggle everyday to think about what i did to him. I didnt just destroy my dreams, i destroyed his dreams for our future as well.

 

After the fight (Wednesday) inwhich i cracked his rib we actually made up, Friday morning though he came home and he tried to talk to me. He told me that he was afraid and just an asshole all i could say was "Why didnt you say that yesterday, now it all feels like a lie" blaming him for feeling the way he did.. I begged him for so long to open up and talk to me and because i was so stupid and selfish when he did i shut him down. We argued, and i was angry and bitter again.. After that i felt like a jack ass and did what i usually do after an argument. I remembered that he said he was going to the clinic to get his rib checked and went to find him, suprise him, apologize, and try to get lunch to save the rest of the day. Reguardless of the reasons why, i made him feel unsafe, and stalked.. When i got to the clinic i explained that i came to see if my husband was still there or if he had already left. I was told to take a seat and someone would be out shortly. A socialworker came out and said that yes he was there but that he didnt want to see me. I asked if they wanted me to go and they said if i didnt mind so i did. I sent him text after text about how confused i was and just harrassed him for hours. Finially he replied and informed me that he was going to escorted to get his things. I packed his stuff, everything i could think he would need. Clothes, hygene essentialls, entertainment, and then i went and took a shower. When i got out he was there. And two men stood outside our home. He told me he recieved a no contact order and that he wouldnt be able to reply to me but that he would be home on Monday. I didnt say anything and just cried, and he left. I had no idea what was going on and what to do. He said he couldnt reply but he didnt say i couldnt text. So i did again and again and again. I continously harrassed him to the point where he took out a civil protection order against me..

 

Hedismissed the charges on the day of court and i left immediately because i didnt want to make him feel uncomfortable. He asked me to wait for him, and we went to Taco Bell. We did our usual dance, filling cups, napkins, sauces, etc.. again we were back in sync. We talked and it was.. such a good talk.. The entire time between before i was served and we saw eachother then the not being able to see him and then Taco Bell he made it obvious that he didnt really want this. He said this was so i could get better so he could be happy with me in the future, and we have kissed, cried and held eachother many times since. He made one wish clear, that he didnt want me to come to the house, that the phone was fine but the house was not okay.

 

Its been a struggle, he is finially accepting his anger and i accept that this is something i need to let him do. I wrong him in so many ways that the fact that he even dismissed the charges is baffeling to me. Currently though, i have no place to go. I was living in my car because he asked me not to come to the house but this last weekend he asked me to watch our cats. I did, when he got home he was distant and cold and i left him alone and waited for him to come to me. We had a talk.. a talk that was long over due. Full open communication. He told me everything! How i made him feel, what he has been going through, it was.. amazing. He stripped me bare and all i could think was thank god. He is finially opening up to me. We took space and then he asked me to come back, he held me and i cried. I know im not supposed to show emotion, that it makes the survivor feel guilty, i tried for as long as i could to just hold back and even tried to leave but he wouldnt let me go.

 

When i did finially leave the room i felt horrible. Today at 4:00 when the alarms went off i asked to lay with him, and he let me hold him. After a while he turned over and pushed my head down to his crotch and had me.. Well yeah.. Once again i felt horrible.. After he seemed distant, and in thought, avoided me. He told me previously that when he looks at me all he sees are what ive done to him and us and he hates himself for even being civil twords me. All i can think was if that makes him hate himself, what is he going through now?

 

I love this man and im 1,000% committed to being a better person. In truth yes, at first this change was going to be for him because i wanted to be with him. The more i learned about myself though the more i saw that this isnt a way to live. The moment i lost my husband it was like this switch flipped inside me. The anger, the resientment, it all vanished.. The only thing i could think is what have i done.. During our talk when i finially felt that open communication and he told me everything i made him feel and suffer though.. all i could think was.. "why? why would i do that to someone i love"?

 

Im giving him as much space as he needs, respecting boundaries, waiting for him to approach me when he is comfortable. Making myself available to him but not pressuring or pushing myself on him. Its all so difficult though, we live together again because i had lost my job during all of this. I was selfish and told myself it was because i couldnt deal but i was just thinking about myself once more and my needs. I since have gotten a job at Dominos delivering pizza, its not glamerous but driving is something that i love so i know ill stick with it. Ive also passed my second interview for Chic-Fil-A and was told this afternoon i would recieve a phone call with a time for my final interview. The lady seem nice, intense, but nice. He cant support this place by himself so even if i move out to give him more distance im still going to contribute to ease the burdon, it is because of me that were here anyway..

 

I just dont know what to do in the meantime.. It feels as though just my presence brings him pain and it makes it so i cant even look him in the eyes. There is no easy answer here. I go, i hurt him. i stay, i hurt him. I know he struggles with the pain of that now, now that were here now im doing something about when he begged for months for me to see what my actions were causing. He wonders if it was because he wasnt worth it, if i didnt care about him.. HE IS! I DO! Thats why im doing everything i can. I have no illusions, i know that this is not something i can "fix", that he needs to heal and that his anger is something he needs to express. I just dont know what to do when one moment he is holding me, crying with me, and the next he is distant and cold.

 

The new skills i learned through research are working, im showing him that no matter what, im here for him. That he is justified in his anger and pain. I just wish i knew how to help him through all of this. I know this is hard for me, and i didnt experience the terror, feeling worthless, disrespect, and neglect, so i cant even begin to realize how difficult this is for him. I offered to leave long ago but he asked me to stay, i offered to disappear, he told me not to. Im here for him, and he says he can see how hard im trying. Each experience reguardless of good or bad i make sure that i impliment what ive learned and he seems to respond and takes a step twords me emotionally, but then its like he is scared and takes two steps back and attacks. Did i mess up the progress i made but not stopping him or myself sexually? Is it something i need to just let him work through on his own? I have so much uncertainty and self doubt. I use to think i was doing the right thing but i wasnt. So how do i know know if im doing the right thing now?

 

This is why I have come to you. Please help me, this has been a toxic marriage for so long.. I want it to develop into a healthy long lasting marriage however long it takes, and from what he says and how he acts i know he does too. Please tell me what i should do.

 

If you do not have enough info then please, by all means, ask as many questions as you want or need to. I will be completely and openly honest.

May 28, 2014
4:27 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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RegretfullyYours,

I read your post & I can feel that you are in a fair amount of emotional pain.  This is only my opinion, but I think that your marriage is toxic & that both of you have many issues of your own that you must address separately in counselling.  In my opinion, your focus right now should be on taking good care of yourself & stop focusing on what you did wrong to your partner.  I feel you should stop trying to jump through all the "right" hoops to ensure that this person permit you entrance into his world.  Why are you sleeping in a car if you are married & have real shelter?  If your husband treats you as less than a human being, I think you might want to reconsider your marriage.  I did read your confession of not honoring his privacy, but at the same time, was he being upfront & honest with you?  I am not a therapist, but from what you have disclosed, this person has control issues & you are quite simply a victim of his abuse.  If what you did to him was so horrid, then he should have broken all ties.  Instead he continues to remind you of things you did & at the same time using your blind love for him as a way to get exactly what he wants from you sexually.  It is very difficult for me to comment on his side of this story since you are the one telling it, but I think for your own mental health, you need at this time to focus on your own healing.  Besides concentrating on him & walking on eggshells around him, could you not try to detach yourself a fair bit by finding out what other things in your life can make you happy independent of this person?

I understand that you feel like this man is your entire world & that all of your attention should be spent pampering his every wish and making apologies to him for whatever you did, but I don't think that this is a healthy relationship for you.

 

One Day

May 30, 2014
11:37 am
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RegretfullyYours
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OneDayThisWillPass,

          Thank you for your responce, i completely agree that the relationship has turned toxic. Both him and i are in counceling groups for domestic violence and things are actually going along a little better. At the moment he is sleeping with and seeing a 19 year old, but at the same time there are nights inwhich we hold eachother and he tells me we are going to look back at this time and it will be a blip in our past. That he married me for a reason. I dont know if he is stringing me along, trying to have a back-up plan, or if the thing with the 19 year old is actually nothing serious and he is lonely as he said. We have been talking more, we actually went to walmart and bought a fish together. Watched scrubs, it was kinda akward because it was Season 1 Episode 15, i felt a real connection to Dr. Cox's words.

 

          Ive learned a great deal from my classes, we have already had heated discussions and i have used the tools and resources that were given to me. No bad blow up, no abuse from my side, no nothing. It was fantastic. I was able to deescelate the situation easily and quickly without sweeping his feelings under the rug.

 

          Last night we cuddled and this morning we did sexual stuff again. He didnt avoid me like he had last time, we actually went to Mc Donalds and ate. Then i drove him to PT and then back from PT. We had a great conversation in the car where i showed interest in what he was doing (reading on final fantasy).

 

          Im doing the stuff that for some reason i forgot how to do a bit before we moved here and it seems to be doing good. I understand that you think im being abused and yes i was. He has done some really messed up things to me, but also me to him. I read that changing your reaction can change a relationship and i see that its working slowly.

 

          This is the first abusive relationship ive ever experienced, not so for him from what i remember him telling me. Appearantly him and his ex split after a fist fight. He is a great guy, and he hasnt always been like this. The controlling behavior and stuff that started well into our marriage.

 

          Appearantly last christmas when i wasnt able to come home it hurt him. It was his first christmas back in the states in 5 years and with a new husband. He said he still hasnt gotten over it. Im wondering if this is the root of his need to control now. The more and more i research i find that everyone has factors, but it appears that they come into the relationship with trust and openness. But then something happens that triggers a fear or something that sets off the cycle of abuse. Once its started, it continues untill the relationship effectively ends. But im wondering if by solving the root it could also be possible to break the cycle?

 

          I want my marriage to work, i dont believe that when something breaks you throw it away like it never ment anything to you at all in the first place. We had the love that people write about in books and make movies about. We just.. forgot it. Lost that feeling. And i think thats what started all of this. Im fixing myself and him himself. He is making leaps and bounds ive noticed such a unmistakable change in him and he has he has noticed it as well in me.

 

          I was living in my car because he had taken out a Civil Protection Order which evicted me from the house, i never did. We have been physical a couple times but i can never call the cops or anyone because it would effectivly end his career. I have photos and recordings and other things that can prove him to be an abuser if it ever comes that far, but i dont think ill ever really be able to pull the trigger. He would go to jail, there is absolutely no doubt of that.

 

         I dont want to end my relationship with him. Im moved back in and things, though we are seperated in two rooms.. they are good. Were fun to be around again. Were laughing and joking, and we both seem to be happier with eachother and ourselves.

 

         I just dont want to rush things, i dont want to make the same mistakes. I want this to be a healthy long lasting relationship filled with growth, compassion, respect, and understanding. I want what we had in the beginning before all of this stuff happened. And 1/2 of his actions and words say the same thing. The other 1/2 seems either afraid or just checked out. I dont know.

 

         More of what ive read suggests that now he has a negative association with me and that accounts for the irritation being around or talking to me sometimes. How do i change a negative association? I had many pictures and a memory book to prevent such things. Every fight, after it was ended and we were in different rooms. Id look at it, remind myself why we love eachother, and from there were able to fix and move through.

 

          He has done no such technique though, and i dont know how to break through. I mean its happening a little but aside from the sexual stuff i feel like my husband is friend zoning me.

 

 

         I know you guys think i should just move on or he should just move on but please.. give me words of wisdom. Help me save my marriage please.

May 31, 2014
5:41 am
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Regretfully Yours:

 

I have read your last post.  Thank you for writing back.  I can feel how hard you are trying with your husband.  Your marriage might turn around one day but I think that you can only try to fix what might be negative within yourself.  I don't believe, even though I often did in the past, that you can change another human beings choices regardless of how much you care for them.

I am  still a bit disenchanted to read the first part of your post wherein you disclose that he is still cheating with a 19yr old.  Perhaps I misunderstood.  I guess as long as you do not feel a little bit like a doormat for being with him sexually while he continues to entertain another person on that level, than it's your choice.  At least you know about it.   I myself would not feel comfortable with that arrangement.

I am happy that you are going to seek out the help of a therapist & I hope you continue.

 

Good luck with all your efforts

 

One Day

May 31, 2014
11:02 am
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OneDayThisWillPass

 

          I dont like the arrangement at all, the fact is i begged for counciling for a very long time. Two days after our fight on may 7th he told me he was going to the clinic to have his rib checked. We had an argument where he tried talking to me and I just couldnt push my feelings to the side for him. He left, we were both angry and hurt. Even still he told the clinic that he fell on a counter top. I felt like an asshole for the fight and showed up there hoping we could have lunch and salvage the rest of the day. Appearantly this rang red flags and caused all of this. I cant help but wonder if i hadnt shown up if we would still be seperated or if we would still be together. One action, one choice made all of this a reality.

 

          Whenever we fight in the mornings its what we do. We have lunch and save the rest of the day. But because i did that social workers came and put on a Military Protection Oder. No one told me what was going on so of course i freaked out wondering what was happening. I texted numerous times at first about the things i wanted to say in person, and then just the freaking out stuff. No one would tell me anything really. Even when they made him get things for that weekend. He only said i cant text you back for 72 hours, ill be home monday.

 

         Thats when he met Mr. J, the 19 year old. Thats when we were torn apart. Thats when all of this.. this hell happened.. And i cant take it back no matter how hard i try. I told him i wasnt comfortable with him having sex with the kid, he said fine then we will get a divorce. Thats not what i want. He keeps saying things that make me want to stay and then things to leave.

 

          This morning i was going to leave. I packed my car with everything. Made arrangements for my furniture. Then again we had a moment of open communication and i saw my husband inside there. I saw all the pain, and he told me how he had wanted to kill himself and that right now he is just trying to survive. That he doesnt love this kid and he is just waiting for me to catch up. To hold down a job and all this other stuff. I dont know whats real.  I know i love him, i know id give anything just to be able to hold him and feel like for five minutes my world isnt ending. We have even stopped saying "I love you" as of a couple days ago.  Its all coming unraveled and i dont know how to stop it. I pulled the string that did it too.

 

         Its good because we are both learning so much about relationships. There has never been a class, a book, or anything that we had found. Its good because we never stood a chance without this. But i dont even know if there really is a chance with it. Im here, alone and alienated. The whole town now thinks that im just an abuser and that he did nothing wrong. I dont want to point fingers, i dont want to throw blame. My actions were my own and how i reacted is on me. I just dont know what to do. I feel so hopeless.. I dont know what to do. Im working on me and trying not to think about us. I want to leave but cant because i see the person i married still in there and he is begging me to stay. Its just.. hell...

June 1, 2014
7:10 am
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Regretfully Yours,

When will you forgive yourself?  When will you see that if you have apologized for your mistake that it's time to start taking good care of yourself & stop thinking that you owe someone else your life?  No matter what happened, you do not deserve to be treated the way he is treating you, but until you stop holding on to someone who is using you, you will never know that you deserve so much more.  Whatever you keep thinking you see in your husband as he used to be in the past is not the way he is right now.  Right now is not your dress rehearsal of your life.  Right now is your life.  He might eventually change & you might eventually get back whatever it is that you used to have, but at this time this relationship is toxic.  Find a way to detach in love from him & go & get the help that you need to be strong enough to change the way you see things.  You deserve your sanity.  Unless you enjoy being second best to a person that you claim to be married to.  Find a way to be strong enough to say enough.  You are worth it.

 

One Day

September 28, 2014
2:52 pm
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kyle84
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RegretfullyYours said:

If you are here and reading this, please lend me some wisdom…

 

I dont know where to start so i guess i need to start at the beginning. I grew up in a verbally abusive home. My mother was always stressed, she had four kids and no help. We were poor and there seemed to be no end to her hell in sight. She tried as best she could to hold it together, none of us were easy children though. Mental disorders in all but one ranging from ADD to Schizophrenia. She used alcohol and weed as an escape and i never really thought much of all this untill this point in my life.

 

Last year on April 14th I met the man that would become my husband (yes, I'm gay). It was love at first sight, we were both so nervous that we both kept fumbling around. We bonded and connected instantly, its like we were both in sync and it was just.. natural. We spent every moment we could from that point on and married June 17th just two months later. I know, i know, we moved too fast, we didnt get to know one another properly, i know this is true. We had had arguments before and settled them fine and in a healthy productive manner but as the relationship continued to develop they started happening more and more and with more voilatile. I cannot give you an exact date that our problems took a turn for the worst, even giving a general time line would be difficult but if i had to try id say about December of that year.

 

I never really thought about the problems much, we would have a fight and things would get bad, we would curse, and say degrading things, but we would at the end of it finally talk about what was bothering us. Make up, come back from the brink and feel closer than before. I didnt know at the time but my husband was miserable.. i was oblivious.. Things took a turn for the absolute worst after we moved to Clarksville, TN. My husband is Active Duty Military and when he reinlisted here is where he chose he wanted to go. I told him it was his decision and that id support him 100% and did.

 

After moving (February 7th) and settling in (kinda) it was the week of my birthday. We decided to hold off celebrating untill the weekend and he was going to take me out and let me cut loose. We went to a club called "Play", and it was fun. I enjoyed spending the time with my husband and getting out of the house. We made what i thought were friends. From that night till about a month later, one of the people we met and my husband had a text affair (I will refer to the one he had the affair with as "A"). I was oblivious, i mean, i could sense a change, he was growing more distant but we still had sex, he still said "I love you". I figured it was something when he was ready he would tell me but made sure he knew the door was open by saying "Is everything okay"? I found out about the affair from the other person we met there who was his best friend. He asked me what was going on between him and my husband and i replied "Nothing, they are just friends", to which he in turn replied "Oh, then i guess "A" is going to be very disappointed'.

 

Ive been cheated on in almost every single one of my relationships, i have abandonment issues, issues with my own self-worth, and trust issues as well. When i met my husband though, i decided to put those to the side, i decided he was worth getting hurt for. This conversation though, it all came bubbling to the surface. I asked my husband if anything was going on between them to which he said no and i left it at that. One night i waited till he was asleep and I went through his phone. I found the texts between the two of them. I felt horrible about myself, he said things like that he was the light at the end of the tunnel and that i was an evil bitch.. Told friends that he was working twords a divorce slowly, that i was unaware and that he couldnt afford for it not to go smoothly. I made a digital copy of his phone and after i was done i flipped on the light and i tossed his phone on the bed, he asked what was happening and i said "Im done with that, and im done with you".

 

He begged me to stay and i did. I do love him.. A month later we fell on hard times again and we even broke up for a couple of days. It was my fault, i had gone to far and crossed too many lines. Even after forgiving him i still continued to invade his privacy and destroy his trust, i never delt with the anger or betrayal. I just swept it all under the rug and say it didnt matter. He was still with me. But even though i told myself that, i realize i by never dealing with that pain it just festered and every fight it would come out. During the break-up i begged and pleaded, i told him id never do it again. On the last day of the break up i later found out he went to Cooksville, saw "A", and they had sex. When he came home, he admitted he was there but said nothing happened, told me to leave it be, that he wanted nothing more to do with that, and if i didnt he would leave me for good.

 

I tried for as long and as hard as i could to just let it be. Nothing seemed to help because i felt something was off. Finially i told him we should break up because i couldnt keep my promise to leave it be. He called me selfish and i felt like scum. I told him why i couldnt and told him if there was something else and he told me it would be forgiven but that i needed to know and thats when he told me the rest.

 

After that i began swining by his work to make sure he was there, continueing to invade his privacy, harrassing him with text messages good or bad. I prevented him or made him feel bad for talking to anyone i felt could be a threat, emotionally terrorized him for months and even became physically abusive. Untill this break-up inwhich everything came crashing down i never realized what i was doing, the true pain i was inflicting on him and how sick i really was. I put myself into anger managment, am on medication and read everything i can find about what happened and why tring to find a deeper understanding.

 

Here is what I came up with. I somehow forgot how to make myself happy and made all of my happiness dependent on him, looking back that was too much pressure and he tried as best he could, but everytime he didnt meet my expectations i just bashed him over the head with guilt and ridicule making it seem like it was his fault that i was unhappy. The entire relationship had been on my time and my terms. When fights began, ended, his feelings, everything was when i was ready to deal with them, not a moment before, not a moment after.  He felt unloved and unwanted because i was not meeting his needs. So he sought it elsewhere and.. i dont blame him. After i let my insecurites and need to hold onto him and our marriage push it further and further into harms way. I let my anger and resentment get to such levels that when we faught i cracked his rib..There is no excuse for my choices and actions, and there is nothing i can really do to make amends. Its a struggle everyday to think about what i did to him. I didnt just destroy my dreams, i destroyed his dreams for our future as well.

 

After the fight (Wednesday) inwhich i cracked his rib we actually made up, Friday morning though he came home and he tried to talk to me. He told me that he was afraid and just an asshole all i could say was "Why didnt you say that yesterday, now it all feels like a lie" blaming him for feeling the way he did.. I begged him for so long to open up and talk to me and because i was so stupid and selfish when he did i shut him down. We argued, and i was angry and bitter again.. After that i felt like a jack ass and did what i usually do after an argument. I remembered that he said he was going to the clinic to get his rib checked and went to find him, suprise him, apologize, and try to get lunch to save the rest of the day. Reguardless of the reasons why, i made him feel unsafe, and stalked.. When i got to the clinic i explained that i came to see if my husband was still there or if he had already left. I was told to take a seat and someone would be out shortly. A socialworker came out and said that yes he was there but that he didnt want to see me. I asked if they wanted me to go and they said if i didnt mind so i did. I sent him text after text about how confused i was and just harrassed him for hours. Finially he replied and informed me that he was going to escorted to get his things. I packed his stuff, everything i could think he would need. Clothes, hygene essentialls, entertainment, and then i went and took a shower. When i got out he was there. And two men stood outside our home. He told me he recieved a no contact order and that he wouldnt be able to reply to me but that he would be home on Monday. I didnt say anything and just cried, and he left. I had no idea what was going on and what to do. He said he couldnt reply but he didnt say i couldnt text. So i did again and again and again. I continously harrassed him to the point where he took out a civil protection order against me..

 

Hedismissed the charges on the day of court and i left immediately because i didnt want to make him feel uncomfortable. He asked me to wait for him, and we went to Taco Bell. We did our usual dance, filling cups, napkins, sauces, etc.. again we were back in sync. We talked and it was.. such a good talk.. The entire time between before i was served and we saw eachother then the not being able to see him and then Taco Bell he made it obvious that he didnt really want this. He said this was so i could get better so he could be happy with me in the future, and we have kissed, cried and held eachother many times since. He made one wish clear, that he didnt want me to come to the house, that the phone was fine but the house was not okay.

 

Its been a struggle, he is finially accepting his anger and i accept that this is something i need to let him do. I wrong him in so many ways that the fact that he even dismissed the charges is baffeling to me. Currently though, i have no place to go. I was living in my car because he asked me not to come to the house but this last weekend he asked me to watch our cats. I did, when he got home he was distant and cold and i left him alone and waited for him to come to me. We had a talk.. a talk that was long over due. Full open communication. He told me everything! How i made him feel, what he has been going through, it was.. amazing. He stripped me bare and all i could think was thank god. He is finially opening up to me. We took space and then he asked me to come back, he held me and i cried. I know im not supposed to show emotion, that it makes the survivor feel guilty, i tried for as long as i could to just hold back and even tried to leave but he wouldnt let me go.

 

When i did finially leave the room i felt horrible. Today at 4:00 when the alarms went off i asked to lay with him, and he let me hold him. After a while he turned over and pushed my head down to his crotch and had me.. Well yeah.. Once again i felt horrible.. After he seemed distant, and in thought, avoided me. He told me previously that when he looks at me all he sees are what ive done to him and us and he hates himself for even being civil twords me. All i can think was if that makes him hate himself, what is he going through now?

 

I love this man and im 1,000% committed to being a better person. In truth yes, at first this change was going to be for him because i wanted to be with him. The more i learned about myself though the more i saw that this isnt a way to live. The moment i lost my husband it was like this switch flipped inside me. The anger, the resientment, it all vanished.. The only thing i could think is what have i done.. During our talk when i finially felt that open communication and he told me everything i made him feel and suffer though.. all i could think was.. "why? why would i do that to someone i love"?

 

Im giving him as much space as he needs, respecting boundaries, waiting for him to approach me when he is comfortable. Making myself available to him but not pressuring or pushing myself on him. Its all so difficult though, we live together again because i had lost my job during all of this. I was selfish and told myself it was because i couldnt deal but i was just thinking about myself once more and my needs. I since have gotten a job at Dominos delivering pizza, its not glamerous but driving is something that i love so i know ill stick with it. Ive also passed my second interview for Chic-Fil-A and was told this afternoon i would recieve a phone call with a time for my final interview. The lady seem nice, intense, but nice. He cant support this place by himself so even if i move out to give him more distance im still going to contribute to ease the burdon, it is because of me that were here anyway..

 

I just dont know what to do in the meantime.. It feels as though just my presence brings him pain and it makes it so i cant even look him in the eyes. There is no easy answer here. I go, i hurt him. i stay, i hurt him. I know he struggles with the pain of that now, now that were here now im doing something about when he begged for months for me to see what my actions were causing. He wonders if it was because he wasnt worth it, if i didnt care about him.. HE IS! I DO! Thats why im doing everything i can. I have no illusions, i know that this is not something i can "fix", that he needs to heal and that his anger is something he needs to express. I just dont know what to do when one moment he is holding me, crying with me, and the next he is distant and cold.

 

The new skills i learned through research are working, im showing him that no matter what, im here for him. That he is justified in his anger and pain. I just wish i knew how to help him through all of this. I know this is hard for me, and i didnt experience the terror, feeling worthless, disrespect, and neglect, so i cant even begin to realize how difficult this is for him. I offered to leave long ago but he asked me to stay, i offered to disappear, he told me not to. Im here for him, and he says he can see how hard im trying. Each experience reguardless of good or bad i make sure that i impliment what ive learned and he seems to respond and takes a step twords me emotionally, but then its like he is scared and takes two steps back and attacks. Did i mess up the progress i made but not stopping him or myself sexually? Is it something i need to just let him work through on his own? I have so much uncertainty and self doubt. I use to think i was doing the right thing but i wasnt. So how do i know know if im doing the right thing now?

 

This is why I have come to you. Please help me, this has been a toxic marriage for so long.. I want it to develop into a healthy long lasting marriage however long it takes, and from what he says and how he acts i know he does too. Please tell me what i should do.

 

If you do not have enough info then please, by all means, ask as many questions as you want or need to. I will be completely and openly honest.


It is really high time you had patience and never gone beyond the behavioral limit. I think you have a strong determination that you along with him will build an everlasting peaceful relationship. So, don't let him or yourself have a second thought.
November 24, 2014
1:58 am
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healthcare35
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There are times when you require therapeutic mind
expeditiously in spite of the fact that the condition itself is not life
debilitating.

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