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was i sexually abused?
May 20, 2011
8:42 am
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somethingnsomethingelse
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May 20, 2011
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Hello,

I have a question but i need some help answering it.

Before i start..to people who are reading this: please dont judge. This is very awkward..asking this is really hard, but here it goes: Is there a chance i was sexually abused even though i cant remember the incident? I have been asking myself that for a while now...I'm 28 years old and i have no memory of being sexually abused..i do however remember being withdrawn and depressed most of my life. Very shy, did not trust anybody. I was very afraid of the adults (especially my uncle, but he lives too far and i haven't seen him in 20 years i think). All the time i was in the kindergarten i spent listening to my favorite song on my walkman, all alone..doing absolutely nothing else. I had to be close to my teacher and did not play or talk to other kids. Nothing too serious though (i wasn't suicidal).. but i often felt dirty and ashamed of myself.. I loved to draw and one of my drawings got my teacher's attention when i was 5 years old (this happened after moving to another country). I drew myself asking stars to take me away and help me or something like that..there were many other drawings just like that, and they indicated some kind of abuse. My doctor was also concerned. He didn't like my stuttering. He believed that it was a result of some trauma. My mom of course knew nothing about it. The other thing i find interesting is being hysterical when my mom had to go somewhere... the moment i sensed her perfume (to me it meant she was going out) i started crying and screaming like crazy. When she went out, my grandpa would watch me and my sister. I cant believe i'm mentioning him..i loved him so much. But at the time...i would throw myself on the floor begging mom not to leave me there (or with my dad)..but of course she did. and since i mentioned her...there's something else i cant explain...i love my mother but i cant explain this amount of anger i feel when i think of her...like she betrayed me, you know? She made many mistakes as a mother but as i said before, i love her and i understand why she made those mistakes...but there's something else... sometimes i wanna hit her hard because she wasn't there for me. When? I don't know. I remember being obsessed with sex when i was 4..5..i have no idea where i got the images in my mind...i know that it is perfectly normal when kids explore their sexuality. Perhaps i spent too much time thinking about it? Could that be possible? I would also hide and cry when my mom's cousin came over. I don't know why though... people noticed i was hiding from him but somehow they all thought it was cute. Another thing. This is very uncomfortable...i wasn't sexually active until 3 years ago...i did not trust anyone...i can't imagine oral sex even today (i won't allow anyone go near my 'private parts'). And in all my sexual fantasies i end up in some old man's lap. which is very disturbing and i can't get the image out of my mind..

So please, if some one is reading this...i'm a very rational person... I believe that every ''why'' has it's ''because''...I'm not a drama queen and i don't blame others for my mistakes..so I'm not here feeling sorry for myself, and i know all about suggestive therapy that may create false memories..and i DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN!! but i can't shake off this feeling of being sexually abused. A feeling that something's wrong with me. And i can't afford therapy or any other counseling..any suggestions?

Could it be i was simply a very sensitive and possessive child?

Thanks in advance!
(my english isn't very good, so i apologize for that!)

May 20, 2011
3:17 pm
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zarathustra
miami, florida
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wow, honestly i dont know. i read your full story and it does sound like you might have repressed memories, unfortunatley, no one on here is an actual doctor of any kind, we are all anonymous posters, and just offer moral support.

 

and for the record dont be embarassed about not being sexually active or anything, i have apersonal philosophy that anyone you truly care about should do oral because, hey that is goin to be someones mother someday.

 

and yes that makes me a very wierd guy lol

 

if you like maybe you could share more? some possible experiances or things that specifically ring a bell in your memories? again no doctors here, only other people reading and posting and sharing, hope your having a good day

 

you can call me z by the way if you like, i know i have a long nickname

May 20, 2011
11:14 pm
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somethingnsomethingelse
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 Thus spoke zarathustra... 🙂

Zhanks z, for the kind words. But i think i'll stop here..no more digging and worrying about stuff that may have happened...

Thanks again, take care!Wink

May 22, 2011
3:55 pm
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zarathustra
miami, florida
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lol THANK YOU for getting my nickname, so very few people get it.

 

and honestly i think you are making a wise choice to just move on. remembering the past is important, but dwelling on it is harmfull.

 

THANK YOU for sharing, and i hope that if you ever want to share again you dont hesistate to come back, this place can be very comforting and supportive, if you ever need an a friendly ear (or eye since this is typed) then please do not hesitate to come back

 

take care

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