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Struggling with seeing my abuser in other men
March 26, 2012
5:15 pm
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cab424
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March 26, 2012
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This is kind of an odd topic, but I'm finally at a point in my life where I no longer feel completely disgusted by talking about this and am beginning to try to find answers on how to deal with really moving on.

When I was fifteen, I met a guy who basically "groomed" me, is what they say, for what he did to me a year later.  It was hard for me to accept that I wasn't responsible for what was done to me because I felt that at sixteen, I should have been smart enough to avoid this situation, even though he was twenty-two at the time.  After he provided me drugs and such for a very long time and I felt very close to him as a friend, he took advantage of me, recorded the sexual acts, and then sold the video on the internet and made a profit off of what he did to me.  As I later discovered, he had done this to other girls, and had them groggly saying they were eighteen in the beginning of his "films".

I tried to keep it a secret, despite many of my friends, schoolmates and even a place I worked, began to treat me horribly and call me a whore and blame me for what was done to me.  When I finally turned eighteen and had been attending college for a year, I went to the police who led me to the FBI to tell my story, but by then, he had disappeared and I have yet to here of any new information on the case.

But that being said, I'm now 21, and realizing just how badly this has affected my self confidence and ability to face myself and treat others appropriately.  I've cleaned myself up, but still struggle with seeing his face in other people.  This is kind of where it gets odd and please don't take this horribly, but my abuser was an asian man with extremely unique facial features because of his parents being of multiple ethnicities.  I now have an extremely hard time dealing with asian men, until I really HAVE to get to know them because of some sort of circumstances.  Otherwise, I do my best to ignore them and find myself being almost terrified of being near them.  I'm not a racist person by any means, but I'm just horrified of seeing his face in the face of other people.

On another note, I'm struggling with trying to change my persona to avoid being recognized from the video.  As many know, once a video is out there, it's out there and no one really bothers to check and see if the girl is eighteen on random internet porn sites if it's a somewhat reputable site.  However, when it ended up online, the video made its way onto several huge websites and has caused problems for me, even to this day.  Since no one seems to care that I was still underage at this point, nor obviously intoxicated, I resorted to change my physical appearance through plastic surgery and now can't seem to be happy with my appearance because I still see my old face in the mirror.

Sorry this is pretty long-winded, but I can't seem to find anyone else that can understand what's happened to me without blowing it out of proportion or trying to look up said video and immaturely show it to friends.  I just need to know that I'm not alone and know what others have done to carry on.

March 27, 2012
1:28 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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It's corny to say, but your past is your past.  Yes, you were most certainly abused and you have taken the steps to try to overcome and acknowledge through the right channels what was done to you.  No matter how you change your appearance the past might come back once in a while to haunt you but mostly you should just live your life one day at a time and try to move on.  I doubt you are racist.  What you are likely experiencing is like a post traumatic stress disorder.  You need to speak to a professional about your anger concerning the entire incident and how you were abused.  It was not that long ago and you still have many life experiences to have that hopefully will involve full and loving relationships that are safe.  I do not see what happened to you as your mistake.  You were taken advantage of and you were very young.  It would be great if the man were caught because it would give you some closure, but the most important thing is that you accept that it is something that happened in the past.  Do  your best to carry on and surround yourself with people that truly love you and want whats best for you.

 

One Day

May 23, 2012
1:01 am
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ShiningLight
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February 9, 2011
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cab424,

 

Oneday is right, it might be best for you to not dwell in the past. You had a traumatic experience before so I guess that's causing you a lot of anxieties and depression. I suggest that you consult counselor/therapist that will help you recover and overcome the trauma. That way, you would be able to assess yourself whether you have moved on or not. It's the best time to seek support from your family and friends as they are the best people that can stand beside you all through out.

 

Wishing you well.

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