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Sexually abused by my Mother, recently remembered?
April 18, 2012
10:22 am
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Notavictimbutnotsilent
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Hi. I am now almost 30 years old. As far as I can recall I have never had a good relationship with my mother. I have always wanted her approval, but from a young age, probably around 13 I knew I was never going to get it. I consider myself a deep person, I am always in thought, although I had used rebellion, binge drinking, drugs, and promiscuity to coast through my teens and earlier twenties. Slowly after about age 23, those behaviors started to deminish, and in that order. 

 

As a child, I was withdrawn. I never really liked being around other kids. I was socially paranoid. My twin sister, loved going to birthday parties. I never did. I never trusted anybody, and to this day, I have a really difficult time trusting anybody. I usually find one or two people to trust and that's it. 

 

I have always hated when my mother gave me a hug. It always felt so creepy. Her hand always slides in a weird way. Till this day, it still does. 

 

A few months ago, I convinced myself that my mother had molested me in the bath tub. I don't think she did it to my sister because they have a different relationship. My parents have always said that she was the more outspoken one as a child, aybe I was a safer target. 

The abuse has haunted me, and has silently cause so much harm to me. I feel like I could never say anything, what would my dad think? My sisters and brother? It would destroy my family. Plus, no one would believe me. It's too far out there. Although I had become a sexual object in my twenties, I am now  in a loving relationship. I wish I could confide in him, he's the one person I could probably tell. But I don't want him to hate my mother. How do I deal? Has anybody else gone through this and what was your exprience? 

May 1, 2012
11:58 pm
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ShiningLight
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Notavictimbutnotsilent,

 

I'm sorry for what happened to you. Have you tried reporting your case to authorities? I guess that might help you and your mom as well to clarify everything that has happened to you. You said that you were molested so I recommend to do immediate action and report to anyone who you can be trusted. A counselor can also help you overcome your bad experiences in the past and help you move on with the traumatic experience you've had.

 

Wishing you well.

May 2, 2012
4:02 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Our relationship to our Mother is the most primitive and seriously the most important and tender one we ever have or don't have during the course of our lifetime.  Whether you are male or female it's still a very serious bond that continually needs to be regarded and when you try to ignore it, it just does not go away.  The imprint a Mother makes on her child becomes essentially how they deal with many things in their adult lives.  If you cannot straighten things out with your Mom its o.k. for the time being, but you must speak to someone about the past and try to come to terms with it for your own sake.  Later when you feel you have moved on with your concerns, you should somehow make peace with your Mom.  You don't need to be her best friend, but you must somehow forgive and move forward for your own mental health.

Honestly, it's only my opinion, but reporting the abuse you might have been a victim to as a young child will not make it go away.

How long ago do you think this happened?

 

One Day

March 26, 2013
7:56 pm
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elleb83
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Is this post still open?  I have searching the internet and came across this.  I need to talk to other people who are going through what I think i am going through.  I have very few memories of my childhood but have just started talking about the fact that I might have been molested by my mother in therapy (3 years in and only now have I brought it up with my therapist).  I am someone who deals with things by rationalizing and intellectualising everything.  So of course now I am on the net searching for studies on female/mothers who molest children/daughters.  I know the answers are not in text books but it is an effort on my part to desparately try to understand why it happened and what I need to do to deal with it.  

The other (non rational, feeling part of me) just feels so disgusted and horrified and I don't want any of this to be true.  I don't know how severe it was or how long it went on for.  My clearest memory was getting into bed after a bad dream and her spooning me and putting her hand on my vagina.  I think I was about 7. Reading the previous posts about the bath brought back another memory of my mother in the shower Looking back I think that it was wrong.  She was teaching me how to wash myself 'down there.'  I have no idea how old I was but old enough to be standing in a shower and old enough to remember her scrubbing herself very hard also.  I don't know if she was touching me, I don't think she was but I remember not feeling comfortable.  I suppose at the time I normalised it by the thought/notion that 'vaginas are dirty they need to be washed'.  

I am in a long term relationship with a beautiful and loving man, We are engaged to be married next year and I love him so much.  I don't have issues with sex, although I have never been comfortable with my own body/vagina (I always have to shower before we have sex as I do not feel comfortable unless I have).  

God this is hideous and I don't know if I want to think about/remember anything more.  

Read the Full Page: My Mother Molested Me | Questions, Advice & Help 
AllAboutCounseling.com

April 21, 2013
10:03 pm
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9879
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Hello Elleb83. I hope this reaches you, this is the author of the post, I had to register again due to changing my old email.

Wow, I came back to read my old post and saw your post and I had to post back. Hopefully our posts will help others who read it. It's been about a year since I started have memories. Your story is strangely similar to mine. We are about the same age too I assume. I started having memories about a year after getting engaged to the love if my life my soulmate, I suppose it is/was the first time in my life I felt truly safe. It started with a shock period, where I just knew that my mother used to touch me. I have little memory so I am thinking it happened before I could speak or know it was wrong. I have a weird relationship with my mother if any, we don't talk but she has tried to reach out to be ever since I stopped pursuing any kind of contact. I used to want her approval so badly, and now I don't ever want her near me. But she us of course around due to the fact that nobody knows. I think my father must have known something but was and still is in denial. The main reason why I won't or can't say anything is because nobody would believe me, think I was crazy/mentally ill, and it would devastate him and my family. My mother spooned me in the bath naked for years, until I felt weird. It was the day after I shaved my legs for the first time, I realized it felt uncomfortable and wrong. My mother was always depressed, I know she has a mental illness if some sort. She's also extremely jealous of me, to the point where we have no relationship. It's all so complicated. But you will soon realize that what may happened to you in the past will come out in the form as clues. Your past behaviors, does it have anything to do with your mother? I know for me it did/does. Right now your probably going through the "emergency period", where you feel like your life is spiraling and you can't wrap your head around your mother molesting you. But believe me, as you go through the net you will read that it does happen, and more times than anyone cod imagine. We're just programmed to think Mothers are not capable of doing this. I went to therapy once, more like a confession, and boy did it feel good to say it out loud, she recommended a book "the courage to heal" by Ellen bass. I am slowly working my way through the book, and it is helping me. My advise to you is you need to slowly work through what happened to you, get angry but let go if the anger. Your mother is obviously ill, and don't let her or anyone else hurt or take advantage if you. You were taken advantage of when you were a child, you didn't know how wrong it was, but now you do. You deserve a wonderful life everyday, only you can give that to yourself. And no one can take that away from you. As far as your mother goes, only you can decide what kind of relationship you want from her. I am still working through my issues, so mine is very fake and distant. All I know is age will never be alone with my children in the future. Wishing you health, strength, and peace.

June 9, 2013
8:12 am
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unicorns11
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Hello,

Iam so sorry to hear of your abuse..I weant to tell u you are not alone.

I read this post from the dancing in the dark website-

"Well my story is a little different from most, my Mother sexually abused

me. I can't say when it started because I truly don't remeber. I think

that it was always there, the touching, not being allowed to go to the

washroom alone or close the door when I was in the bath. She abused me

in her own ways, forcing me to perform oral sex on her, and doing things

to me. My Father worked out of town alot and was rarely home, my mother

was not faithful to him but I didn't understand this til I was older.

When I was about 5 years old, she was drinking in the kitchen with a

male friend. I got up to go to the washroom and when I came out she

called me over to her, she sat me on her lap and started touching me.

When I tried to get up and go back to bed she fell into a rage, adn

called me horrible names, she carried me to her room adn threw me on the

bed. He followed us, next thing I know I am between them naked on the

bed, she foreces my face between her legs, and then he is touching me,

all the time she is telling me I am bad, naughty, dirty. She pulls me up

onto her body, my back against her stomach, he spreads my legs and

rapes me. Later they are back in the kitche drinking, I wake up in my

mothers bed naked and confused, when I move everyfibre of my being

hurts, I see blood and stuff on the sheets and know how much she hates

dirty sheets, I pull that sheet off and put a clean one on, I go to the

bathroom, and run a tub, by this time they are in the living room, and

cannot see me. I have a bath and take the towel and sheet and put them

in the washing machine. I crawl back up to my bed, but cannot sleep, I

crawled into my closet and slept on the floor curled up. The next

morning, she woke me up with a big nice breakfast and told me we were

going for a girls day out, I was shocked, she spoiled me that day news

clothes haircut, everything.."

 

I want to tell u i was degraded and sexually abused by my own so called mother since the day I was born like this psycho above she would force me to perform oral sex on her ,while doing it with her mouth on me too later can u beleive

i was 2 years old she would laugh at me,while showing even to the servants what she was doing making me look like an evil filthy dumbwit trash( all the feelings she had about herself) mocking my very existence pointing with her finger at my head at what i was forced to do and then laughing about it to the servants if i stopped or looked elsewhere as it was obviously disgusting,repulsive uncomfortable she would kick me on the head like she'd done numerous times before when I was a baby( don't know how my brain isn't damaged) or whack me in the eye with her arm.

My father would just stand there covering his face as she'd performed loads of lewd acts on him too again in front of other people.The servants would laugh,look the other way but basically after a while get numb and not be able to react stay horrified at just the limitless nature of her evil and hatred for me and my sister and how she just wanted to destroy us. The only aim she had since the day i was conceived.They would leave and she wopuld feel even more victorious..

kindly bear in mind there are lots of very evil disturbed sick mothers in this world and as abusers they can far surpass even their male counterparts..having no shame and no concern for being at all femine in my case even human..

 

My mother was so psychotic that she would jump on tables,chairs and start throwing furniture around ,throw dishes on my head,jump on my baby sister's head while all the time trying to stick her vagina on top of her head or sexually somehow try to destroy her..Even then I had so much hatred for her she would suddenly just stop and get so scared,sad and ashamed she would start crying after seeing the look in my face..

She wasn't able to hurt me a lot sexually after the age of 4 as i simply refused to go anywhere near her knowing all she contained beneath that smile was endless hatred and deception..her mind had been damaged long time ago by my own psychotic grandad and she hated everything human about us the sadness,the hurt the ability to love and empathise..

I wasn't ever under her spell being hyper careful of her at all times if she called me at the age of 2 unless someone picked me up and left me at her feet i would run in the opposite direction..my anxiety level higher than a soldier at war 24/7..my sister's story is very sad however

She was damaged completely by my mother and is today more or less like her..She was violently raped and abused by her and her uncle when she was barely 2 years old..i'll always curse myself and blame myself for not being able to do a thing, 4 years old as I was myself i didn't feel like it ,it seemed the only person who had a problem or an issue with what se was doing to all of us in the house was me.

They picked her up my demon mother would stick her head between her legs and drill it inside like it was a nail while her paedophile brother was raping her from behind..they did that over and over again to my poor baby sister till there was no logic in her eyes left or resistence..they broke down her basic dignity and then without even saying what she had to do my sister started performing the acts robotically psychotically with a brainwashed ,intrance, hypnotised and dead look in her eyes…

After seeing the insane look of rage in my eyes my father finally remembered his humanity ..had some decency picked her up and left..but the damage was done..

After that until my poor sis knew how to protect herself and what to do my mother would make her do lewd acts on her and perform oral sex on that monstocity for almost the next year or more in the bathroom after  giving me and my father that filthy evil look of- see what Iam capable of? Try and stop me.. do what u want..look

So yes that for the record is my so called mother a demon I would glady stick a chainsaw inside..inside her face..her head her chest..is it wrong to have these thougts about this parasite who has been feeding on our peace and sanity and living as a pretender inside our very homes for the last 25 years..even neighbours have seen her scary filthy act and never done anything about it..living in a place like India there's  no concept of laws or child protection.

Iam 28 years old  woman now who stays away from my so called family for the last 7 years abroad but they still did  a lot of damage..Inspite of that I have done a lot of work on myself and would consider myself 80% sane..I still have to be supported financially by my father which makes me sick..am a loner society scares me and have had abusive episodes even by other people including perverted therapists in the past but i take that as suffering for the warrior not the victim in me..Still a work in progress

My sister on the other hand is full of hatred and rage for all of humanity I've seen her make lewd gestures at me..my father and essentially all and every human being she gets in touch with when she goes into flashback..the rest of the time she pretends to be completely normal..has worked for a few years in a call centre is married to someone i feel very sorry for with a ferrari and is about to give birth herself to her very first child next month..I don't speak to her but feel so sick at the thought of what her sick mind and my so called evil mother's intentions are capable of..Another child sacrified to the devil..

June 9, 2013
6:02 pm
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onedaythiswillpass
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Whoever you are, your story is the most horrible one I have ever heard.  I am very sorry for the childhood that both you & your sister had to endure.  I can only pray that no one will ever hurt you again in your whole life & I can only wish & pray that if there are any other children who right now are suffering this kind of abuse by a parent or caregiver, that God finds a way to help them get away from this terrible abuse.

I know growing up in my early teens, I met many younger teens & pre-teens that were living in very wealthy families where they were being abused but their parents had such high ranking profiles within their community, that it was not possible for them to escape the madness from within their homes.  They would talk to me about it, but they begged me to not tell anyone.  I would meet them from time to time just to make sure they were physically safe.  It was hard for me to listen to it.  My parents sometimes fought & my Mother did yell sometimes, but they would never even think to hurt their children in that manner.  No parent ever ever should & I am sorry for what you had to endure.

Please take care of yourself.

 

Love

One Day

January 30, 2014
6:13 pm
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annnn
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not sure if any of you are still active after these years. but I was also molested by my mother. I am a guy, turned out to be gay. when I was going to the last few years of primary school or middle school, my mother used to come to my bed in the middle of the night and try to arrange my blanket, but then she was touching my private part. when i woke up and asked what she was doing, she told me not to touch your private part.. I felt she was strange. After some years, she and my father divorced. I was doing studies and working abroad. When I returned home for the summer, (I was 29-30), I slept in the bedroom with the door ublocked, suddenly I woke up, and my mother was touching my part, looking at it. that was really scary for me. now I feel I can't be close to her, but then she's all by herself I felt bad. But I fear if I have a family, she would want to come to live with us. that makes me want to run away....
My father worked for the government and was always out dining with his colleagues and social connections. So my mother and I was always home alone. my mother would drink beer with me when I was young, she tried to smoke, etc. She spent a lot on clothes or shoes, doing facial, etc, and asked me to shop with her. In my primary school, when a girl was growing fond of me, I used to have phone calls with her, but my mother was suspicious, and always asked me the details and tried to prevent me from talking to girl too early.
She is the boss at ome, always in a lot of fight with my father, she thinks my father is in relationship with another woman, and torn my fathers hair, cut his trowsers, cut the phone line. and went to his work to argue. I dont know if my father was having affair but I hated her for being to destructive. I used o like writing, like movies, but she never encouraged me, always told me it was useless. and only my father would encourage me to do those what I like. So it became a pattern, my mother made me cry, and my father protected me

I really want to know what to do, how to cope with it.

February 13, 2014
10:37 am
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