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Possible Sexual Abuse by Sister
April 22, 2013
9:08 pm
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lea3307
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April 22, 2013
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For the past few years I've wondered what's wrong with me. I'm a 24 year old female with an inclination towards alcoholism, addiction, bulimia, and self-harm that started at a young age, about 13. I'm not sure why, but around the time they started teaching us about the dangers of drugs, alcohol, and sex, I had already made the decision that I would abuse all three. Things only got worse from there. At 24 I've been in rehab several times (currently sober), dropped out of school 3 times, attempted suicide several times, and basically plunged head-first down a path of self-destruction.
I've always wondered why I am the way I am, and I've always known that something was wrong, that there was a reason why im like this and why I need to do the things I do. Any time I'm close to a guy and sex becomes an issue, I sabotage the relationship. If a friend witnesses a meltdown, I usually stop speaking to them, just so I can avoid having to talk about it. Lately, my mind has been making connections from certain childhood memories to sexual abuse.
My sister was four years older than me. We had a very love-hate relationship, as we were complete opposites. I was always jealous of her and her "older sister" privileges.I guess this is why I think something might have happened. Every night at bedtime I would get so angry with her, because every time I tried to stay up late she would always come into my room and catch me. One night I was sleeping and I woke up to her hitting me. I had taken her portable CD player and had fallen asleep with it in my sweatshirt pocket. I could never understand how she knew I had it in the bed with me. And yet another time I opened my eyes to her looming over me, her hands about ready to pull back the covers.
Here's my dilemma-if I remember these little things, shouldn't I remember the actually abuse, if it happened?people who talk about repressed memories never seem to describe quite anything like what I'm remembering (or not remembering). Also, my sister died 5 years ago. I'm not even sure if this is something I could handle discussing with anyone who knew her.
Let me know what you think, please. I can't get this out of my head.

April 23, 2013
6:54 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Lea,

even though your memories are not totally lucid about what might have happened or not hapenned with your older sister, something wrong likely happened for whatever reason.  Whatever happened during your early years follows you into your later years as an adult.  It would be wise to speak with a professional or at least write about it to yourself so that you can deal with your feelings as they emerge.  I do not know if this has anything to do with your current troubles.  All of your troubles are a form of self-harm or self medicating & I do believe that a person sometimes makes the choice to self harm or self medicate to not have to feel the pain of the past or present day troubles.  I feel that by becoming very self aware and really becoming in touch with your feelings, be it anger, fear, pain, sorrow, you will be able to breakthrough many of your issues.  It might be a really good idea to find a therapist who is willing to work with you about trust issues, repressed anger, addiction & compulsions.  At 24, you have many challenges & a whole life that can be very wonderful if you are willing to do the work to get better & only if you really want to.  Once you do this work, I think you will find that you will be able to have relationships that are meaningful & you will not sabatoge them if they are true.  I would have you read  your sentence "I had already made the decision that I would abuse all three".  Life is wonderful Lea, because we do have some ability to make choices.  You can decide to choose to learn about yourself this time instead of hurting yourself or self medicating yourself.  Since you have gone to rehab several times, I am quite certain that you know that diving back into substance abuse or self harm is not the solution for a good life.  I think that you deserve to get past whatever transpired in your past by doing the work & then you can move on with your life.  You will always have to keep in mind that you have the mind of an addict though & when things get rough, you will need to rely on doing your feeling work instead of turning to self harm or substance abuse.  The honesty that the work involves is hard & usually involves tears, but it's worth it Lea.  You are worth it Lea.

 

One Day

February 13, 2014
10:38 am
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divine12
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February 13, 2014
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September 18, 2019
4:54 am
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Muller21pr
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I am sorry for you, but I don't think that maybe the problem. You don't want to recognize that you failed and that is the reason why this happened. Just try to say that you are guilty and let's make a change in this life.

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