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My boyfriend was sexually abused and isn't cured. Help!
May 19, 2013
5:31 am
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LilyLilac1007
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May 19, 2013
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My boyfriend and I have been
together for 4 years.  I am 28 and he is
35.  We have always had issues in the
bedroom and with intimacy and passion. 
We broke up once over it in the beginning, but I took him back because everything else was great.  Two
years ago, my boyfriend told me he was sexually abused between the ages of 8
and 11 by two older brothers in his neighborhood.  They made him perform oral on them.  We started going to couples therapy in 2012,
but it only lasted 4 months because we both did not really like the
therapist.  He decided he would continue
therapy on his own.  In November of 2012
I went to use his computer and found he was on all these dating websites and
was e-mailing girls and guys looking for sexual encounters.  I also found he had a Facebook I did not know
of and was flirting and talking sexually to girls at his work.  It took him awhile to finally admit it even
though the proof was in front of us.  He
told me he never met anyone and that he was doing it as a mouse and cat game and
never intentionally meant any of it. Even though there were e-mails setting date and time to meet.  He would set up times right before work and during lunch.  When it came to the guy stuff, he told me he would think about meeting
them and how he would bea them up and hurt them.  We broke up for a
few days, but I took him back. I also started to go to therapy myself to get my own support.

He has been going to therapy every
week and he tells me what happens every time he comes home.  He says his therapist says he uses these
e-mails and websites as a coping mechanism and that it is like a safety net
because he is not dealing with a face to face, real situation.  Throughout the months, I have caught him three
more times e-mailing and each time he promises he will stop.  We still rarely have sex and when we do he is
disconnected and quick to finish.  There
is really no sexual connection.  At first
he let me have his passwords and check his phone, but now he has changed all
the passwords and put a lock on his phone. 
He wants me to build trust back up, but it is hard when he has done this
4 times and he always says he does it because he was abused. Now I am starting to feel he is using his abuse as an excuse.   I am really confused.  My therapist does not think I should stay in
the relationship because I am becoming crazy. All my boyfriend and I do is fight and we use to never fight, we would be able to talk.  I find myself saying horrible things to him and I just feel so much anger and hate because of all this.

I always think about what he is
doing and is constantly searching online for information about him and his
e-mail accounts.  I have no trust in
him.  I have told him I want to do
couples therapy, but he says he needs to do this himself and he says his therapist agrees.  My therapist disagrees.  Whenever we try to communicate about his
abuse or our sexual issues he gets very angry and shuts down. We do not even
sleep in the same bed and haven’t for years. 
I am trying to be supportive and stay with him because I understand he
was abused and how that can have effects on his emotional connection and his
sexual performance.  I just do not know
how much more I can take. Any advice would be great?  

May 19, 2013
9:24 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Well, I am about ready to throw up from reading your post.  Get the heck away from this so called boyfriend.  Don't waste any more of your precious time.  Keep your therapist if you want.  Abuse or no abuse, this guy is not trying to change and I doubt he ever will.  You deserve way better.

 

One Day

May 25, 2013
4:13 pm
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mmiller2667
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May 25, 2013
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I would never treat you this way!

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