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Incest from Grandfather and His Friend
July 28, 2018
3:17 am
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howie
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July 28, 2018
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I’m not really looking for advice. I just can’t sleep and need to share where I am in my head. My grandfather was a pediphile and raped and molested me and many others. My abuse occurred from birth until the age of 4. He was definitely the type of pedophile that this site describes with twisted perception of children to rationalize his behavior and fantasies. One night, he invited his friend over to join in on the abuse and the friend violently raped me and choked me, threatening my life. I suffered physical injuries but they don’t even come close to the emotional ones. I have complex PTSD that affects my life and limits my activities. I will probably always use therapy as a tool for recovery and coping. I’m having an especially difficult time right now because my flashbacks have been much more vivid lately. There was never any justice for me. My grandfather is dead, thank god. I don’t know the identity of the other man. My grandmother let this abuse occur in our family for decades. My mom, aunt, and cousins were all molested by him and incest goes way back into our family tree. So, when I tried to get help, there was none to be had and everyone in the family seemed content to just let this horrific abuse of the body and soul continue for decades. I finally broke the silence in my family and I’ve been met with a host of very unhelpful responses that have made the trauma even more painful. I am 33 now. The flashbacks are so disturbing to me and make me so physically ill that mos lt days, I want to die. If I didn’t have my husband, I would kill myself but I could never do that to him and I love him so very deeply. I don’t want to trigger anyone so I won’t go into too much detail about my flashbacks. The one that is really haunting me right now is of my grandfather’s friend, the things he did, how violent and hate-filled he was, the physical injuries, and being choked. I remember thinking that I was going to die and ever since, I have had no fear of death because I’ve already confronted it. How tragic that a 3-year-old should suffer that. When life is just beginning, to learn that it can be snuffed out in an instant by someone who wants to use and kill you. How tragic to learn that it is possible for your newly budding creativity can be Taken away by people who are eliminating your physical, mental, emotional freedom. Eliminating the freedom of your soul to flourish and develop. As soon as that first molestation occurred when I was a baby, I had to start surviving instead of exploring my new world as a child. My world became a hell in which I was trapped and there was no escape or help except in my own mind and that part of me no one could get to that would never give up fighting to get back what is rightfully mine, my freedom. There’s a lot more that I want to say but I feel resolved enough in the moment and finally feel like I can sleep. Thank you for witnessing my pain.

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