I'm 22 now and remember one of my older brothers doing sexual stuff to me. The first time I remember it happening I was about 4/5 and he was 9/10. He came into my bedroom and started acting like we were having sex. He got on top of me and started rubbing (thrusting) his genitals against mine. We had our clothes on so there wasnt any penatration. He also had me French kiss him. I don't remember everything that happened but I wasn't sure what was going on. The second time I remember it happened I was 6/7 and he was 11/12. This time I must have said no because I remember him saying that either him or my stuffed bear would get mad or upset if he couldn't come into my bedroom. I remember feeling uncomfortable but don't remember saying no or to stop. The next thing I remember is it happening again but my other brother caught us. He went and told my mom and she freaked out. She said that we could get taken away from our family for that kind of behavior. We didn't talk about it after that. Around this time I started to act out sexually with my younger cousin by having him do what my brother did to me. This only happened once and my grandma caught us. I also did it to a friend of mine ( who is the same age as me) I would make us act like we were having sex when we were playing house. So does that mean I abused them? I have always had some anxiety but lately I have been having panick attacks, crying spells, feeling of hoplessness like I'm going to die young, and depressed (Is this normal after so many years?). I have always avoided sex, touch, and intimacy. Is this normal? I have only had two boyfriends and the relationships didnt last long and were not sexually. Recently I told my mom what my brother did to me and she had a different story than I did. She said that it only happened the first time and that he was playing around. She said it wasn't abuse or molestion and acted like it was no big deal. I don't know if I should tell my Dr or just let it go and act like nothing happened?