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I need Help sorting thru my assalt
February 26, 2015
12:40 am
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thelinks
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February 26, 2015
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When I was 14 years old I was babysitting next door to my house.  A boy and his two friends who I went to school with came over to where I was babysitting and they sexually assaulted me.  It was Horrible.  They took turns, one would hold my feet and the other would hold my arms and the third took there fists and crammed them up me. I was screaming bloody murder for them to stop.  After all three had there way I was literally bloody and broken. The family got home soon afterwards and I went rushing home and told my mom that I needed to talk to her about something important.  She looked at me and said   "I'm Busy"  I am ironing your fathers shirts.  At that moment I changed,  I needed someone to take me in their arms and tell me I would be o.k   I was never the same after that. I self destructed, was attracted to the "bad boys", the worse they treated the more I felt like I deserved it. I never felt worthy of love or compassion after that.   I wouldn't let anyone get close to me, and I would not open up to a soul for fear that they would turn me away again.   It took years to even tell anyone about the assault.   I am 54 now and to this day my mom Still blames me for her not being aware of this. It is all my fault.    I should of made her stop ironing, I should of told her how important it was. I should of shown more stress.  I was a little girl who had the life sucked out of her. I am tired of feeling quilty over what I should or should not said to get the help I so desperately needed that night.  I am still so angry about that night it haunts me.  I have been married to a wonderful man for 20 yrs now, but I still don't trust my feelings to him and always afraid to tell him if my feeling gets hurt.   I need advise on how to deal with this nightmare I have been living for so many yrs.

If anyone can offer me advice I would appreciate it so very much.

 

Thanks,

 

Lenee

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