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I feel so violated, but I'm responsible
January 29, 2014
7:18 pm
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zrgeiffel
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January 29, 2014
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A few months ago, a friend of my roommates' invited us all over on to watch a movie. I had never met her, but my roommates/friends had been friends with her for some time, and she and my boyfriend had worked together as RAs the previous academic year. She said she stopped being an RA because the housing department had kept an employee who was accused (and acquitted) of sexual assualt and this infuriated her. Anyway, we all drank, watched the movie, and had a good time, and I felt like I had made a good friend. She and I texted back and forth a lot as well, and she always said all kinds of nice things, talked about my interests, and sympathized with my problems. I went to her house a couple more times to play cards or watch movies. Alcohol was always involved.

 

A couple of weeks later, my boyfriend (one of the aforementioned roommates) and I went to her house for dinner and hanging out. Once again, everyone drank quite a bit. The hostess only had a drink or so, because she was driving us all home later. A few other friends were there, and I convinced another roommate to join us. The whole time I was there she kept saying things like "you need to finish that drink," etc. As we were heading out of the kitchen after grabbing another round of drinks, she doddled behind the group with me. She asked me if my boyfriend and I were poly. I don't remember what I said, if anything, but she continued and said that she really liked me and didn't want to fuck it up. I basically proposed that we kiss, but I was so drunk that I didn't feel it, although my eyes were open so I know it actually happened. We joined the others in the room. Everyone was lying on her bed to watch a movie, and she was between me and my boyfriend (she always was). Being pretty drunk, everyone was touchy-feely and cuddling a bit. She asked me if she could touch me, and I said yes. She touched the outside of my vagina, periodically asking me if it was okay. I kept saying yes. I think I kinda had something to prove. I touched her also, but through clothes. She touched my boyfriend also, and he touched her breasts. I was okay with this. I was pretty into all of it, actually - I have hypersexual tendencies so it seemed fun. Everything was pretty quiet because our friends were also on the bed (it was dark and they were drunk too, and on my other side). I felt like her breath was constantly on my face and her whisper in my ear asking me if it was still ok. Later, she told me that she hoped I didn't feel like she was taking advantage. When we got home, my boyfriend and I talked about possibly hooking up in the future. 

 

Well, I didn't for a day or so. I'm going to have trouble wording this next bit. I often have sex after consuming some alcohol, so I didn't feel it was definitely bad. However, I only have sex when drunk with my partner - I'm (more than) okay with it before I start drinking, while I'm drinking, and once I've sobered up. I know none of those things preclude assualt, I'm just trying to say that I would do the same things sober (but like to drink!). I actually initially was worried about hurting her - she's very lonely, and not over an ex-boyfriend who started dating her (former) best friend. Obviously she would become emotionally invested, but she wouldn't have the relationship with me/us that she wanted to. Anyway, I started to feel violated. I thought just because she hoped I didn't feel like she was taking advantage didn't mean she wasn't taking advantage. I also talked to my boyfriend about things she said to him, and he said she basically just wanted to mess around. However, she had told me (many times, that night and through texts and stuff) that she was very romantically interested in me. I felt further violated by this deceit. I felt violated by her hypocrisy. I felt (and still feel) as though I consented and participated and it's my problem and I'm being stupid. I've told my boyfriend about this, and he feels that it was assault and that it he should've done something...but he was also very heavily intoxicated, so I feel that he's only as responsible as I am. Anyway, I just feel stupid. When I remember it I feel especially violated because other people were there. They didn't know of course, but it's the brazenness of it I guess. 

 

We actually continued to communicate for a bit and I invited her over the next night while I was home alone. She pressured me to lie on her on the couch while we watched TV, insisting there was "no pressure," and I did so, even though I really didn't want to. I felt sick. But I did it. She messaged me a few times after that, and I gave brief responses that didn't spawn conversation. I haven't seen her since.

 

At this point, I kind of want to hear that I'm responsible and I should get over it and grow up and not do stupid things like that and blame others. I feel confused, and kind of scared, because I think of myself as being tough as nails. I've wanted to tell my best friend (who doesn't know any of these people) about it, but I was too scared. I wanted to tell my other best friend, the one who was there. I started telling her I was upset about something that happened with the person in question. As it turns out, the person told her that she wanted to proposition me and my boyfriend and she tried to stop her and it was so weird and I didn't know what to do with the conversation because I knew I could never tell her. Ever.

 

Please help me.

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