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Cheating or sexual assault?
March 25, 2013
1:19 am
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kittychino
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A few weeks ago I went to visit a friend in Manchester, I was staying at his for the weekend and we slept on the same bed (i was in a sleeping bag not in bed with him). He tried to kiss me in the morning but i pushed him away and told him I had a boyfriend and he backed off.

Later that night when I wasn't in the room he put half a bottle of vodka in my drink, I was already drinking but i'd been careful about how much I was having so I wasn't drunk. I then became so drunk after the drink he poured me that i could barely lift my head up and he took me back to his where I was staying. He then kept trying to kiss me and I said no about 3 times. I dont really remember what happened next other than he pulled me on top of him and i briefly remember trying to get off of him but i couldn't move so i just let stuff happen. I dont know if i encouraged anything or how far it went because i cant remember. All i remember is when he tried to have sex with me i freaked out and couldnt breathe so he stopped. 
I then asked him why he didn't stop when i said no and he said that i led him on and that i shouldnt have slept next to him the night before so it was my fault. Then i passed out. 

Is this my fault? Ive spoken to my boyfriend and he says its not, that i didnt consent and that i should talk to someone about it, but i think hes wrong, i think its my fault and that Ive cheated on him. 
I just need to know if this is really my fault, no bias or niceness, because i havent slept properly since it happened and the only way i can get sleep is if i hurt myself first so the guilt and shame eases off.
Please tell me if this is my fault and if im making a big deal out of nothing 

March 25, 2013
1:45 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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What transpired is not your fault, but in the future I would not put myself in that kind of a situation with someone who is just a friend, particularly if he is just a new friend & you do not know if he is trustworthy and also because you claim to have a boyfriend.  Why would a girl who has a boyfriend even consider sleeping in the same bed as another guy when she has a boyfriend, let alone drink with him & then crawl into his bed?  This guy could have really hurt you and slipped much more than vodka into your drink.

I do not know the circumstances, so it is hard for me to understand why any of this chaos happened for you.  In the future, I would strongly suggest you do not make such sleeping arrangements with this guy or any guy who is not your boyfriend because it can be dangerous.

I am surprised that your boyfriend is so understanding.  I am surprised that you do not feel as if you have been raped by your friend.  He does not sound like the kind of friend I would like to have.

You should try to take better care of yourself & remember that people in general are not always going to do the decent or right thing & that could hurt you.

It's over I assume & you are safe I assume.

 

One Day

March 27, 2013
4:17 am
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kittychino
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We'd been friends for 5 years and we've always been close. He has always looked after me and I trusted him. I didn't think anything of just lying next to him, it was naive and stupid but i just didn't think anything of it. 
When we were drinking we were with all of his flatmates and as he had already backed off in the morning i assumed that everything was okay.
When he took me back to the flat i wasn't thinking straight, i could barely stand up and i was careless.
I feel like he sexually assaulted me, however i dont remember what happened entirely or if i encouraged it in any way so i cant be sure of what happened or if any of this is his fault.

I just want to feel better, i feel so low, one moment im okay i feel completely normal, and then the next i just cry for no reason and want to physically hurt myself.
I feel lonely and scared because i cant tell anyone what happened as i dont know for sure and its only my word against his, why would anyone believe me? Especially when i dont even remember what happened
I think i am safe, he promised he'd never do it again. But he has since tried to get in contact with me and a photo of us is his cover photo and i dont trust that he'll leave me alone like he said he would. Im terrified and i dont know what to do

Thankyou for replying One Day, it really means the world to me, especially as you were so up front and honest with me. Thankyou 

March 27, 2013
10:45 am
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onedaythiswillpass
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Kitty,

you must not blame yourself & every time you think about hurting yourself because of what transpired, I need you to stop and remember that you might have been given some sort of date rape drug which is why you do not remember precisely what happened that night.

You are not physically in pain correct?  You might just want to go see your family doctor and ask for an internal exam to make sure you are free from anything strange.  I am sure you are fine.

So far as your friend goes, I am sorry to tell you that no matter what, he should not have taken advantage of you, even if you were both just drunk.  If he was a true friend and he knew you had a boyfriend with whom you had a romantic involvement/physical, he should have honoured and respected that union.

I have male friends with whom I sometimes visit with & they never try to do these things to me.  If they did, I would be very upset and very disappointed because as friends we must respect boundaries.

I can only recommend that you just back away from this friend of yours for a long while now.  He has damaged you on some level whether it was intentional or not & you need time to think and heal.

Don't be scared, you can write with me whenever you want, and surely there must be at least one other person in your life that you can tell this story to because it would be good to let it go.  If you cannot speak with another friend, sit down with pen & paper and write about it until every sentence draws tears of healing.

Just remember it was a bad error in judgement & not your fault.  Forgive yourself.  You deserve it.

 

LOve

 

ONE day

February 13, 2014
10:35 am
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divine12
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