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Masochism Causing Serious Problems *adult content*
January 22, 2017
8:05 pm
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Bones
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January 22, 2017
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I don't know how warnings are done on this site, I hope *adult content* is sufficient. This section is about sexual disorders so I'm not sure exactly what is & isn't acceptable. So I've looked at lot of places for somewhere to ask for help about this online & I don't even know that this is the right place. I get turned on by being embarrassed, if anyone gets me embarrassed. For example last night at our church I made a comment to my mom that I was ready for a hair cut (she gets mad at me for letting it grow long) she said no, we're going to let it get a little longer & I'm going to braid it & put a bow in your hair. I'm a guy & she said it in front of several of my family members who also made embarrassing comments. I didn't even get hard or anything, I just ended up with a mess in my pants. Let me be very clear that it's not my mother that got me turned on but the feeling of embarrassment that did. I had problems with that too because it also happens when I feel emotionally exposed like when I opened up to my therapists (two different ones) or speak in detail about my emotional or self-injury problems. I was so ashamed, I never even felt it or barely felt it at the time, like a leaking feeling, I just always found a mess the next time I went to the bathroom after talking to a therapist or confiding something really sensitive. This actually came close to causing me to want to self-injure more because it happened a few times after talking to one of my cousins. I was disgusted with myself & also still really sure I wasn't attracted to my cousin which left me feeling confused. Well after my first therapist (an older lady) I knew I wasn't attracted to a woman that old, and then my second (a man) I know I'm not attracted to men! I realized what it was, it was my body's response to the emotions I felt from confiding in them, not the people themselves.

So what do I do!? What can I do? This is totally unwanted & humiliating & it's keeping me from seeking professional help for my self-injury problems, something that's unrelated. It's really stressing & making me feel worse about myself as a person & I can't do anything to stop it, it's totally involuntary.

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