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A thought, a plan, acting out, going too far
March 10, 2011
10:01 am

My wife's best friend lives out of state, she is going thru a divorce for a five year marriage, she is 46, he is 57. She is very unstable and always has been, but she is a really nice person. She overthinks everything, she is controlling, she can't make a decision on her own without talking with my wife or me and going over every possible outcome trying to find the PERFECT answer, and after all of that, she does nothing. She has a kind of screachy, high, loud voice and is really excitable. Any time we try and give her advice, and after all of the above, she generally says, "but the problem is", and the advice that we give her is truly great advice. I have been thru what my lawyer called, "the worst divorce he's ever seen",20 plus years ago, so I have a lot of great advice for her, and they have no kids, I have two (grown now). I also know the type of man she married, and this is his third divorce. So needless to say he is going to rake her over the coals. She gave up everything, sold her condo and all furnishings and gave all of the money to him to pay off a $30,000.00 home equity loan, which he took out to pay for the $30,000.00 wedding, which she was against, moved to a new state and left all of her family and friends behind. I was very blunt with her and told her exactly what her ex was going to do, and in turn, what she should do to protect herself. He makes $230,00.00 a year, she makes $40,000.00. He wants to leave her with nothing, he turned out to be a horrible man. Well that's the short version of the friend and her divorce. This has been going on for 6 months, and in that time she has taken zero advice but still calls my wife 5 times a day. My wife also takes care of her 91 yr old grandma who lives ten miles from us, she has a crazy, hectic, fast paced job as an engineer, I have had multiple surgeries and have chronic pain, so she deals with me, all my doctors, my long term disabilty, my moods, and that is also the short list. My wife is the best person I know. My wife's back, neck, shoulder's and arms have been hurting her tremendously for over 5 mos., she now goes to physical therapy 3 days a week. Her doctor has told her that it is all from stress, my wife told me that most of the stress comes from her friend (above). I take Adderall & Fluvoxamine, and have for 1 1/2 yrs. I have been noticing bad mood swings, obsessive behavior, making crazy plans in my head, etc. I had a plan to start texting her friend to find little hints of things that she is sensative to. The one that stuck out was cheating husbands. I kind of started flirting with her, saying suggestive things, etc. and escalating all along. I made up a story about how my wife said jokingly, "hey, you should have sex with (friend's name) and kill two birds with one stone", meaning we don't have sex and her friend doesn't have sex (divorce). Then I told her friend that I think she was giving me permission. She did not like that kind of talk, well the more she told me that kind of stuff, the more explicit and vulgar I got. Remember, this was my wife's idea so her friend and I could have sex. It went on like this for a while, all the time me getting really disgusting and more vulgar. See, the idea was that she would get so disgusted that her best friend's husband was coming on to her that she would stop calling me and more importantly, my wife. She finally sent me a text to tell me not to contact her anymore and how I really messed things up for her, and the next time she came to visit, us or family, she wouldn't be able to stay with us anymore, which was always the norm. I was pretty happy with myself. She is not an attractive woman, she is fat, and she is annoying, I have never been attracted to her or ever could be, just for clarity. The next day I felt just awful, I got so caught up in my plan I didn't see what the hell I was really doing. I talked to my therapist about it and she said to apologize to her, explain the problem with the medications making people act out, and do things out of character, and to also tell her it had nothing to do with her personally and it would never happen again, so I did. Well if I had thought it thru, I would have realized that she was going to react just the way that she did, which was to tell me how I ruined her life, her friendship with my wife, bla bla bla. Regardless of how she reacted I still feel responsible for ruining my wife and her friendship, even though I think my wife would be better off. I have switched my meds and feel like my old self again but I feel so horrible every day I don't know what to do. All I could see before was how bad my wife felt all of the time because of this toxic friend, and now I can't get thru an hour without feeling really bad about it. I wish it had never happened, I pray every night. If anyone has any advice, even a little, I would be forever greatful. I am a good person, I haven't worked since last July because of the surgeries, injuries, etc. and I would never do anything like this normally, all these stupid medications, pain meds, mind meds, doctor appointments, physical therapy, I need someone to talk to, please, someone, anyone. Sorry for the longest post in history, it's the first time I have ever posted anything. Thank you for listening. Leafman

December 5, 2013
6:11 am
Edward Fruitman
New York City, Manhattan, Long Island
Forum Posts: 23
Member Since:
November 21, 2013
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

The way you have talked to tells you have always thought neutrally about yourself and the situation you face. Keep the same attitude in everyday life and the problems will solve. If you are really a good person, then engage with your wife and her friend and tell them you never felt in the way you reacted to them. If your wife is still happy with her friends, and interested in the friendship, then she should also say the same to her friend. It is more likely the situation will resolve and the tension will not go out of your control. 

As you said you want to meet some good person, you can engage me (let it be clear that I am a psychologist who is specialized in depression treatment) through my website. http://trifectahealthnyc.com or http://trifectamedspanyc.com

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