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when friendships turn sour
December 9, 2004
4:04 pm
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marley
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have any of you ever had a friend, who you tried to support and help through rough times, even though all they ever seemed to want to do was keep causing themselves pain. Everything you did to help them or support them went entirely unnoticed by them because they were so wrapped up in their own drama all they wanted to do was complain and rage and cry about all the bad thing being done to them. They lost all objectivity and the second you attempted to move away and to gain some sanity, they attacked you for not continuing to support their entirely self-destructive behavior?

December 9, 2004
4:24 pm
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Anonymous
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I think that is what friendship is, is supporting people you care about and realizing that they are going through a hard time, and if you can't handle it, then I think it is good that you move on, you should take care of yourself.

December 9, 2004
4:28 pm
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marley
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Even when all they do is take advantage of you and use you because no one else is around? is that a friendship?

December 9, 2004
4:31 pm
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Anonymous
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If it doesn't make you happy in life than move on, that is the main thing, I think that people hold onto relationships in efforts to make them work when in essence they should just work. I am sorry you are going through this I too know that it is hard.

December 9, 2004
4:41 pm
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marley
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I guess I am just trying to understand what makes other people think that it is ok to act all nice and friendly when you are there for them, but the instant something else comes into your life, they think it is ok to try to make you feel like complete crap and start blabbing things you told them in confidence to others.

December 9, 2004
5:05 pm
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Maybe your friend is confused when you pull away. Maybe they think that your upset with them or they feel rejected because you are normally there in time of need. Maybe when your overwhelmed with the negativity from your friend you should let him/her know instead of pulling away. Communication is key to everything. And if there really your friend they will understand and not talk behind your back. Good luck!

December 9, 2004
5:13 pm
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marley
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I try to tell her and then she just tells me that that is how she is and I can just deal with it or not be her friend. But when I decide to walk away, she says all sorts of nasty stuff about me to anyone who will listen - I mean why do people have to get like that?

December 9, 2004
5:22 pm
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Sounds to me like she's trying to control you. I use to have friends like that. I would stick around because these type of people are usually the life of the party and when its good its Great! But on the other hand when its bad, it's terrible. If you have told her that her behavior towards you bother's you and she basiclly say's deal with it. Well that doesn't sound like a friend to me. If she treats you this way Im sure your not the only one. In my opinoin you should let it go and if she talks about you, just ignore it. Your real friends won't believe her anyways.

December 9, 2004
5:27 pm
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marley
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see that is part of it to, my friends were always like - geez why do you hang out with her and they would make all these nasty jokes about her behind her back and I always felt so bad about it that I felt like I needed to keep being her friend b/c somehow I was being a bad person just by listening to them. I mean I couldn't really defend the things she said to them about her sex life and all of that . . . so I just kept trying and know I am wondering how do you spot these people so that you can just stay away and never get involved?

December 9, 2004
8:30 pm
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willitgetbetter
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True friendships 'work' naturally. If you have to 'work' at keeping that friendship it's time to move on, so why don't you? What is keeping you tied to your apparently 'ex' friend?

December 9, 2004
9:34 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I agree w/ Willit. True friendship does work naturally. There are times of giving and times of taking and times of understanding.

This is obviously not going along the path of a natural frienship. It sounds more of a control issue to me.

Walk away and hold your head up. If she wants to talk about you, ignore it. If you keep playing this game she is playing with you then it will continue.

December 9, 2004
9:46 pm
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rmckayx2
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People who are in pain cannot usually acknowledge boundaries of someone else. It's also easier to justify taking advantage of the kindness of someone else when you're depressed. I always believed that a higher power meant for people to be able to give from a positive mental/emotional state. Do what you need to do for yourself always. Then ask yourself what you can do for the people you love. What you do for others should be out of love or friendship and not out of obligation.

December 10, 2004
3:08 am
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Marley-

If you can't spare the compassion and empathy for a friend going through rough times, you can't exactly call yourself a friend to them. You do not have to "excuse" your friend for whatever she has said about her sex life, etc... to your other friends, but if YOU were a true friend what you might say to these people is "please don't talk about her in front of me" or something to that effect.

In my opinion, you would be doing this girl a favor by dissolving the "friendship."

-ella

December 10, 2004
3:39 am
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sewunique
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Don't know if I got this figured out or not?

But it seems to me that both of you need to just let this 'friendship' go. Too much misunderstanding and negativity. "Seems like everyone should worry about taking care and worry about themselves and not what the other one has said or done". Same thing my mother used to say to use kids when we were worrying about the other siblings when we had our own selves to get our act toghther.

Sew

December 10, 2004
11:57 am
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marley
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I am even more confused now. Why should you be thought of as not a good friend or less of a person when you don't want to be around someone who attacks you and uses you and says nasty things about you? Why does that make me a bad friend? Is it really a friendship when people just use you as a punching bag or a constant outlet for their misery and they can never be happy for you b/c they always need to be complaining about the situations in their life that they keep causing over and over again? Why is it my fault? Why do I have to be the bigger person or face the label of the bad friend?

December 10, 2004
12:17 pm
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allwaysconfused
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Marley, I feel like we may be in the same boat...I also have a friend like yours. Tell me if this sounds familiar....Just last month..he had his car repo'd...so I took off work the next day and went with him to find a new car. He has horrible credit (filled bankruptcy). We ended up finding a decent car at CarMax and he was able to get financed there (don't ask me how). He told him he could put down $500. Then he turned to me and said he just had $200...could he borrow $300 from me. I had just gotten my X-mas bonus check which was $900...so I loaned him the $300. Well...he got the car...and we went back to his place and his roommate told him the rent was due. Well...he needed $400....so he asked me to borrow it. This all happened the day before thanksgiving. So far...he's given me $300 back. But I see him wasting money all the time at bars (which I just bite my tongue). I've always bent over backwards for him. He's off work today and I asked him to have lunch with me....he said he had stuff to do around the house...I just called him a few mins ago...he's sleeping. Should I be pissed?? Nah...I'm use to it. Sound familiar??

December 10, 2004
12:42 pm
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marley
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Yeah - really (although not so much like she borrowed money) but she always needed me to be there and the second I was gone she would run back to the guy that made her so miserable - so kind of like your friend wasting your money. Except she was kind of wasting my time, know what I mean? Am I a bad person b/c I felt so used?

December 10, 2004
12:47 pm
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allwaysconfused
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Marley...I don't think you are a bad person at all because you felt used. I always asked myself that as well. I wondered if I was being selfish for feeling used. But I never really expect anything from D except for his friendship in return. But I never really feel he gives me that...so that is why I feel used. I need to dissolve my friendship or whatever relationship I have with him. I know this...but he has been a part of my life for over 4 years now and I love and care for him very much. But I know it is unhealthy.

December 10, 2004
3:41 pm
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MEC
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Marley,

Your "friendship" does not sound healthy. It sounds to me like you are both co-dependent on each other and the drama that you both constantly have in your lives. I think it would be better for you to move on and try to get healthy, not surround yourself with people that have problems. Remember you can't take care of anyone or help anyone unless you help yourself first. You have had rocky relationships from what I remember and this one with you friend sounds just like one of your previous relationships with men. Distance yourself and get better and once you do, if you still want to be a friend with this person, then you can try again.

It sounds like right now may not be the best time for you to work on this friendship.

mec

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