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Time to step to the plate people
December 18, 2005
12:06 pm
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overcome
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I did not condone abuse! I am simply stating that to compare it to rape or mugging or overeating is absurd.

People who are abused come back for more. That is wrong. Its like when you were a kid and if you touched the stove once- you got burnt. You learned never to touch it again....Well, if you keep touching it what happens.........If you know the outcome but you keep doing it again and again and again, who is to blame?

If you stuck your hand in a lawnmower to see if it was sharp and lost that hand, would you then stick the other hand in there to let it happen again.

You all know what I am saying is right. I may be slightly blunt, but whatever. Its the truth and it needs to be addressed.

December 18, 2005
12:14 pm
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overcome
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Kathyguy,

You strike me as someone who maybe read one too many self-help books and now "plays a psychologist on-line".

Perhaps you stepping up and assessing me for all the downtrodden makes you feel better about your inability to do this in your real life. Like you are not able to step up and face your demons in real life but in cyber space you are strong and resourceful and brave.......perhaps you developed this alter-ego to offset the real you that is trapped in your painful daily day-to-day existence......

....hmmmm, makes you wonder?

December 18, 2005
12:20 pm
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overcome
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All I did was try to give some honest advice from my heart without any sugar coating. My God, I am sorry for offending anyone. I admit that the last post to Kathguy was a bit harsh. I was laashing out.

Anyway, the old me died last week and the new me will always "keep it real".

Again, if the new me offends anyone I am sorry. But I can guarantee that if you stop for a minute with the self righteous BS, there are some kernels of truth in what I write.

Good day to all!

December 18, 2005
12:24 pm
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Overcome,

I see where you are going with this. I believe it's called "tough love". There are people (in the right emotional state) that are ready to benefit from such a tactic... and others (in a more fragile state) who are not. Some people DO have to have both hands (and a couple of toes as well) cut off by those lawn-mower blades before they are ready to stop putting their limbs in there!

Everyone learns/heals on their own time-table. It can't be forced or rushed and they certainly should not feel shamed into "stepping up to the plate"... It is a long process sometimes and I think everyone that comes here for help is at different stages in that process.

We need to be gentle and kind to all... no matter how "rediculous/self destructive" WE think they are being. We are not here to judge anyone. We should be here for our own healing, nobody elses.

There were some positive/empowered responses to your rally cry and that's great! You've reached a select few who are feeling strong and ready to take control of their lives... but don't belittle those who are not quite there yet.

They deserve the same respect and understanding as everyone else...

Peace,

TC

December 18, 2005
12:30 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I totally disagree w/ what you said about a person not having to have contact w/ the abuser. If you are divorced from the abuser the courts force you to have contact. You are forced to have contact regarding the children, and visitation.

What you say about a person deserving what they get. Some folks have no choice but to go back for many reasons you are not even considering. Until you walk in someone's shoes you have NO clue what the hell they endure is all about. Here's my personal reason I went back... I left after 4 years, I went back coz it would never happen again and coz I had no support or help to get out. I again left at 7 years. I woke that night in my parents' home w/ one hand on my mouth and one on my throat and he whispered to me that if I was not back home the next morning then he'd come in and kill my folks and my kids and leave me there. I had no doubts he'd not do it. And do not tell me but you could have called the police, you could have told your folks, you could have.... I didn't have a choice. At 12 years he found someone else. That is how I got out. Some are not as lucky as I am that the abuser decides to pick a new victim.

I don't know what your story is but I would never minimize your pain or make you feel you deserved whatever you got.

You said... Just telling the cold, hard truth that is very often lacking on this site! The truth is not lacking from this site. We just tell the truth using a little tact. We give love, support, encouragement just as Kathy and others have tried to tell you. We don't have sympathy. We have empathy....the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner.

How would you rather be treated.... have someone make you feel like you deserved what you got, or have someone offer help thru empathy. Maybe you should reconsider your view on who deserves what.

December 18, 2005
12:35 pm
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exoticflower
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"Anyway, the old me died last week and the new me will always "keep it real".

Again, if the new me offends anyone I am sorry. But I can guarantee that if you stop for a minute with the self righteous BS, there are some kernels of truth in what I write. "

THis all seems to me untaturally hard, as though you are becoming calloused and agressive, maybe to hide your pain? It is all out of nowhere, aggressive, involves putting down others situations and choices, etc. I think you are trying to protect yourself by turning off the normal natural and nessacary emotions involved in healing.

There is a difference between a healed wound and a tough hard scar or scab.

Also, a lot of the advice you give here is out and out inaccurate according to most that I have learned from in the field of mental health. Maybe instead of insulting others for sharing what they have learned from research, you could benefit from it? People don't make this stuff up, nor is there anything wrong with it being shared here--that is the purpous of this forum. You may try reasearching healthy ways to heal before lashinog out at others "bs" for not being like you in what I too find to be text book abusive ways. Are you suddenly so healthy that no one elses imput could offer you anything? That what most mental health professionals would think does not apply to you? That no ones insight can offer you anything and we are all wrong to not agree with you?

I hope I am never that healthy, so healthy that I no longer need to grow or learn from others, so healthy that i am in a position that I have the right to verbally assault others proccess, that I am running on anger and nothing more. I enjoy growth, evwen the hard parts. I am not at a place that I want to turn off and be hard and angry.

There is a saying about how a soft and yeilding branch bends with the winds of change and difficulty, where the dry hard branch snaps and breaks in the same wind.

December 18, 2005
1:40 pm
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kathygy
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overcome,

It seems that my words are wasted on you.

The only thing that your projections about me make me think about is that YOU are projecting your stuff on to me as it is 100% wrong! I will not accept your abuse.

I have worked very long and hard on myself and happen to have zero tolerance for abuse and destructive relationships. I feel very good about myself.

Your continued insistence that abuse is deserved if someone goes back for more is abuse in and of itself. You are just reinforcing childhood wounds. These people already beleive that they deserve abuse because of the abuse they got from their parents. They come here for help not for scolding (more abuse on your part).

You have no right to demand that people live up to your expectations or they be damned. this is more abuse from you.

A lot of people here don't have a full understanding of what constitutes emotional abuse. Yet, you are hurting these people by continuing to dish it out.

December 18, 2005
6:23 pm
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kathygy
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overcome,

your commnet about me reading one too many self-help books is way out of line. This is a self-help web site. Reading self-help books are a great compliment to that. At times they are a life line. My knowledge and awareness comes from far more than just books.

I am through with your abuse. I find you to be very toxic and will remove myself from any more abuse from you.

You can say what you like about me but I won't be here to read it.

December 18, 2005
6:33 pm
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lollipop3
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TC......

Very well said!

Love,
lolli

December 18, 2005
6:37 pm
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loverbee
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Overcome:
Here is the point that I think you are just completely missing. When someone gets the crap smacked out them by someone they lovel, they do not go back for the abuse as you seem to think, they go back because they want the approval or love of the person they are being abused by. Although it may not be the ultimate cure for getting out of the abusive relationship that you are in, all the so called nice things that people have to say actually are going to help. They make you feel as though you aren't alone. Have you ever been abused? If so then you are in denial of what is going on and if not then you really can't have such an angered opinion about the matter. Who are you really sick of listening to???It isn't the people on this site. I can tell you that much. But in all honesty, I was in an abusive relationship for years and now I have a loving boyfriend and lots of friends and family that are supportive. You know what save my life??? The fact that people were willing to listen to me and support me. I am living proof that you are wrong about what can and cant' help those in abusive relationships. So let people ask for help and stop referring to their pain as whining. It is not as simple as that.

December 18, 2005
6:47 pm
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loverbee
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Oh and by the way overcome- there is more going on here than you realize. the fact that you are going on this site and ACTIVELY practicing abusive and bitter behavior(you may not think you have been rude or insensitive but you have) means that just like everyone else here, something is going on with you and you are using this site as an outlet. So once you get the BALLS as you put it, maybe you can be honest about the real reason everyone on this site seems to be pissing you off. I hope for your sake this is sooner rather than later because you obviously have issues that are needing to be tended to.

December 18, 2005
8:34 pm
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kasie919
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Overcome,,

Im sorry you are so angry and bitter, I hope someday your pain will go away..

I never asked you to understand my pain..
And for your question, i have been married 3 times, the bones were not broken by the same man..
So yes I am an asshole in your eyes..
Its ok, now i rate you right there with all 3 of them..
Please keep God in yor heart,as you are going to need him..
I do not hate you, I feel sorry for you, and wish i could take your pain away..
I dont find your new attitude very becoming...
I liked the old you...
Im sorry for your pain....

December 18, 2005
10:39 pm
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turnabout
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overcome,

I'm not going to get into anything you've said regarding anyone on this site, including the first post to unspecified people here, b/c none of that is what this is really about. You apologized for lashing out at kathygy, but this whole thread has been a lashing out ... at your ex, at yourself for getting hurt AGAIN. By being hard on all these people, you're really being hard on yourself and beating yourself up for enduring whatever pain you've suffered in your own relationship. I'm sorry for that, I really am, but do you see what this is doing? Letting her make you bitter, letting her provoke you into lashing out at the people who are here to support you ... she's won.

I don't know what you mean by being the "bigger person," but I imagine it's that you endured unacceptable behavior from someone without taking measures to stand up for yourself. Now it seems you're going to the other extreme. Since being the "bigger person" didn't work for you, you're going to be coldly blunt. Keep working, overcome. It's good to stand up for yourself, but standing up for yourself doesn't mean striking back. And being honestly straightforward doesn't mean hitting anyone over the head with a "my version of the truth" club. I think you want to be honest; you don't want to be cruel, b/c that turns you into the very sort of person you're saying everyone should stay away from.

And, come on... lash out at the person you're really angry with, okay? Be honest about THAT with yourself, instead of lashing out at the world. Share that with us, and we'll be here for you. Attacking people on this board is not going to get you the support you need.

blessings

turn

December 19, 2005
12:40 am
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hopeinhim
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Overcome,

What would this site be for if people could not express their deepest insecurities. A lot of people find this site in a stage of "precontemplation" or "contemplation". It is a theory of change model. Contemplation is hallmarked by ambivalence: feeling 2 ways about 1 issue. Leaving versus staying, hurting versus moving on.

Respect the process - you are obviously in the action or maintenance stage.

If you are interested in this model look up "Prochaska and Diclemente" stages of change theory on Google. It is a normal part of life.

December 19, 2005
12:41 am
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hopeinhim
Lake Stevens, WA
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Overcome,

What would this site be for if people could not express their deepest insecurities. A lot of people find this site in a stage of "precontemplation" or "contemplation". It is a theory of change model. Contemplation is hallmarked by ambivalence: feeling 2 ways about 1 issue. Leaving versus staying, hurting versus moving on.

Respect the process - you are obviously in the action or maintenance stage.

If you are interested in this model look up "Prochaska and Diclemente" stages of change theory on Google. It is a normal part of life.

December 19, 2005
12:41 am
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hopeinhim
Lake Stevens, WA
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Overcome,

What would this site be for if people could not express their deepest insecurities. A lot of people find this site in a stage of "precontemplation" or "contemplation". It is a theory of change model. Contemplation is hallmarked by ambivalence: feeling 2 ways about 1 issue. Leaving versus staying, hurting versus moving on.

Respect the process - you are obviously in the action or maintenance stage.

If you are interested in this model look up "Prochaska and Diclemente" stages of change theory on Google. It is a normal part of life.

December 19, 2005
12:41 am
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hopeinhim
Lake Stevens, WA
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Overcome,

What would this site be for if people could not express their deepest insecurities. A lot of people find this site in a stage of "precontemplation" or "contemplation". It is a theory of change model. Contemplation is hallmarked by ambivalence: feeling 2 ways about 1 issue. Leaving versus staying, hurting versus moving on.

Respect the process - you are obviously in the action or maintenance stage.

If you are interested in this model look up "Prochaska and Diclemente" stages of change theory on Google. It is a normal part of life.

December 19, 2005
12:44 am
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hopeinhim
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Overcome,
A lot of people who are having a difficult time experience augmented emotions during the holidays. You want to know why it is not another day?

The marketing ad nauseum, the fact that it is an annual event you only practice getting through one time a year.

Personally, I could care less if my husband left on Christmas day. Last year we separated the day after Thanksgiving. But, for some people it is particularly hard.

You expect people to be just like you.

December 19, 2005
1:18 am
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kasie919
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Overcome:

I just read your response on the other thread,

First of all:
IM sorry for being cruel to you and for the words i have said, I was just upset because of how you addressed me..

We are no different, only you are a man and I am a woman..

Im sorry your wife has cause you such grief and pain, i wish i could take it all away..
Im not sure why people have to use ther children to get back at there spouses.. YOu are not alone in this..

But i can tell you, that from my personal expierence that your children will come around to you, dont worry, be a good dad to them as im sure you are doing at your best.
Love them unconditionally, they are all that matters..
I know that you cant see peace now, but you will,
I have been in the same situation as you, my ex best friend is married to my ex husband, they had 2 kids before we had even gotten divorced, i caught them in my bed!! I do know your pain..

But instead of inflicting it back on me, try talking to me about it, i can relate to some of your issues, truly,

I can assure you, I have never thought in a million years that i would be in the situation i am in, again and again, but its the people i chose and the reasons behind them, and its why i have to learn not to do it again..

My heart goes out to you,
Im sorry, truly I am ..

Id hug you, but i dont want any ass grabbin..

have a good night.
kasie

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