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The punisher
December 10, 2004
2:49 am
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sewunique
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Aces,

What is the name of the book you mentioned on the 'batterer'? Is it any good? Thanks,

Sew

December 10, 2004
4:25 am
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Alegab
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OMG, I can't believe what I was reading in the web site twinks suggested. I was involved in a relationship with a person exactly like that or maybe worst. I don't want to go into much detail the only thing I can tell you is that I thank God I am still alive today. It got to the point that besides the emotional abuse he put me through, he put me in the hospital for "trauma" FIVE TIMES. It got to the point that he almost KILLED me. He was so good at manipulation and hurting that no one would believe he was the person he was until they were with him a little while. One day I suddenly snapped and came to my senses. (Don't want to get into the details of how it happened.) I am still suffering the consequences of that trauma. Alot of it has to do with my self esteem and my other "trauma" of childhood. A great book that helped me understand a little more about these people is entitled "The emotionally abused woman." I can't remember the author. I loaned it to someone who is going through a similar situation.

Does anyone remember the "LISA STEINBERG CASE"? Nedda (not sure of first name) Nussbaum was a victim of someone that fits the discription of this type of person. She became like a "zombie". The tragedy of that case was that an innocent child was killed in the hands of the abuser. At that time I worked for the Board of Education and the department I worked for was involved in the case.

I feel for all you people that have experienced such a "tragic" situation. I have healed "somewhat" from that relationship but now I am in another one (an affair, read my other threads i can't remember all of them but three of them are 1. Sharing resources for love, relationships, fantasy etc. addictions, 2. Drinking to ease the pain and 3. Will not borrow money from "affair" person.)

Today I saw my therapist and I was distraught trying to piece together the little memory i have of my childhood emotional and sexual abuse. I fell apart. My therapist explained that as children, and sometimes adults too we disassociate in order not to feel the pain of the trauma. It is a defense mechanism to help us protect ourselves. She said I might not ever remember what happened to me as a child and maybe its to my benefit and I must realize that I have to let go in order to go on with my life in a healthy way.

I will post more on "myself and the present relationship" in another post.

My heart and prayers go out to every person who has experienced some kind of pain and distruction.

December 10, 2004
10:15 am
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Anonymous
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I know, it is uncanny how things relate so much.

I got this book on the Batterer I will check the author and get back as I am at work right now. It is a great book though describing how past events and unbringing define the mental state. Very good book.

I too have not answered my phone to punish someone. I guess we all do it, it was kinda like you want to talk to me you can sit and wait until Im ready to talk to you because Im still hurt. I guess I meant punishment like things in the context of withholding affection and things for not doing what they want, oh well you live and learn, and I have realized that we all have our own issues to deal with and that is what life is, learning and living.

December 10, 2004
11:55 am
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workinonit
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OMG, Aces....I just went to that website and I swear they took a frikkin snap shot of my life for the past 25 years!!!!

Not only was(is) my first an emotional vampire but the second is passive agressive. Go figure!

I have to seek out a better counselor or I will never get out of this stinking pattern!

BTW, thank you Twinks!

December 10, 2004
11:58 am
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Anonymous
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Yes thank you twinks, I TOLD YOU THAT website was great I read it and I felt like I was reading my life. IT was amazing. It really helped me and I have sent other friends there as well. It is almost a relief to know others have gone through this as well and it isn't just our imagination. I use to always second guess myself into a world of confusion and that really cleared a lot up. IT was great.

So how are things workin?

December 10, 2004
1:04 pm
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workinonit
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Things are pretty good Aces. I'm focusing on school alot and getting ready for the holidays but my heart isn't in it very much. I am happy to be away from my recent ex though this Christmas. I realize how passive aggresive he was now. He didn't get me a christmas gift for two years in a row. Tell me he didn't know that was important!

What an ass.

December 10, 2004
1:09 pm
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Anonymous
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OMG- So MR. Jack didnt get me one last year or a birthday gift, and it's not about the gift per se but the THOUGHT, ughh they are asses, I agree with you on the not being in the holiday moods this year, a lot of crap and a lot more still going on oh well, I am hoping 2005 will be better than 2004 it has to be. I think we are in the same boat a lot of times, both in school, stupid ex's ughh this next year is going to be better, it has to be.

December 10, 2004
1:13 pm
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allwaysconfused
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Alegab...could u please tell me the website???

December 10, 2004
1:20 pm
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workinonit
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December 10, 2004
1:22 pm
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allwaysconfused
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D's bday was this past october. I got him a digital camera, a pair of nice slacks, two nice shirts, baked him a cake, gave him two cards and a few other "small" things. He gave me nothing for my bday this year...said he didn't have any money. He didn't give me anything for xmas last year. He told me he was giving me a gift certificate for xmas this year....I told him I didn't want a gift certificate...all i wanted was a card and maybe to spend a few hours with just him alone. If anything, i'll just get a gift certificate.

December 10, 2004
1:39 pm
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allwaysconfused
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thank you workin....I tried to read the story, but I couldn't make it through it...my emotions kicked in...I called D to see if his check came in the mail yet...I woke him up...told him I was sorry I woke him up...and he said he would call me when he woke up....I'm just sitting in tears now.

December 10, 2004
2:05 pm
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workinonit
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oh always, I'm so sorry.........

I felt the same way on that website but I am further down this road than you are.

The hardest part is knowing how much we love them and seeing there is nothing in return but emotional dysfunction.

Try going to that site again. Please try because it will help you get angry and it sounds like you need to get angry to think about moving on.

I'm on your side "always"

December 10, 2004
2:33 pm
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allwaysconfused
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I don't need to get angry with him anymore...I just need a brain transplant to remove all the thoughts and memories of him completely!!! If When I get angry with him I always cause more harm than good.

December 10, 2004
3:40 pm
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workinonit
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what happens then?

December 10, 2004
4:12 pm
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shibumi
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SweetAmanda,

Actually "witholding" is spelled "withholding." LOL I had it wrong myself.

To answer your question, no, I am not a psychologist. But from experience and my own reading I have come to understand the basis of many of the destructive behaviors that people engage in. Much of it happens on a subconscious & emotional level, meaning that while we're often aware of what we're doing (the specific behaviors, that is) and perhaps even know that what we're doing is wrong, we don't really understand WHY we're doing.

Someone once told me that in any situation or circumstance we bring the "sum total" of who we are as a person: experiences, memories, feelings, emotions, knowledge, perceptions, biases and so forth. In other words, we are never just reacting to the moment or immediate context. We are reacting to everything that has ever happened to us before--and many of these reactions are based in pain and fear because these are the memories, feelings, emotions and experiences that resonate most deeply within us.

Almost all of this can be traced back to early childhood because that is when our first and most lasting impressions were made, particularly about who we are as a person (our identity), our worth as a person (our self-esteem), and how we perceive love and family (our relationships).

The people who are the most healthy, who truly feel good about themselves and who understand their inherent worth, have no need or desire to criticize, judge, control, badger, punish or even hate--all such traits being rooted in insecurity.

Though no one is perfect, I've had the opportunity to meet a few such people in my life. You'll know it when you meet them because they shine. You'll be drawn to them instinctively. They're whole, at peace with themselves.

Unfortunately, most of us can't make that claim.

December 10, 2004
4:15 pm
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workinonit
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Always, I have been recovering from this abuse for 7 years now and unfortunately, I am just figuring out my last ex was more abusive than I thought. But, talk about denial. The man practically had an affair right under my nose! Always asking me for money. I made almost half of what he did and have 3 children who he barely spoke to let alone cared about. I feel so foolish sometimes when I think I put so much faith in him, totally undeserved. I justified so much just like the first one and it's hard to think I might do it all over again!!!!

I'll be around if you want to talk.

December 10, 2004
4:43 pm
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allwaysconfused
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workin,
thank you for your support. I always feel when I go into these forums I get banished and end up feeling worse and nobody really understands me.

I hope this time will be different.

I just got off the phone with D...the conversation left with him pretty much telling me I need to find someone who can "recipricate" my feelings.

I feel like crap now.....I just want to go home and cry.

December 10, 2004
5:05 pm
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workinonit
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aw honey, why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want you the same way? What you need is a way to boost your self esteem. If I lived near you I would say, come on out to Karaoke with me tonight!!! Nothin like singing or music in general to lift you up.

Seriously always, you have to address this with support. Have you been to any CODA meetings? Do you counsel?

I have to go home now but I'll drop on here before I go out tonight. I'd like to hear more of your story.

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