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The best way to really help someone........
July 25, 2002
9:07 am
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syqg
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is to give their life back to them and let them help themselves. Caretaking doesn't work. We are not responsible for another's happiness or unhappiness. Only our own. When we feel totally responsible for another and our actions take total care of them, I feel we hamper any chance for them to take care of themselves or even feel the need to. Sometimes the best thing we can do for the other person is take care of us first and let them take care of them. When we have done this, then and only then are we able to help in healthy ways.

July 25, 2002
5:45 pm
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UK Polly
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syqg, right again as usual! Decided to give my husband his life back and let him help himself cos I found out the hard way that I can't. So I will be filing for divorce as soon as I get back from holiday. Now I'm seriously working on taking care of ME!

July 25, 2002
6:47 pm
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toffee
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YOu GO English GF!

July 25, 2002
6:48 pm
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toffee
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When we take care of ourselves and our own life, we set examples for those who live with us and love us, including our children. Actions are the best way to teach, no words..

July 26, 2002
2:35 am
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UK Polly
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I'm going to STOP saying/thinking "I feel guilty . . ."

Realised I've done this so many times. Got to stop it.

July 26, 2002
5:37 pm
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atw
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But how do you not help your loved ones?? I know I am co-dependent, but I can't just leave my mother in the bushes. It's been like this since I was little. I want my own life, but when she is not drunk she really is there for me. I lost my job after 9-11. My Mom goes out and buys the buy one get ones and gives me what she got doubles of. Is this just her way of keeping me trapped in her web. What would I do without her??

July 26, 2002
7:10 pm
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syqg
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Have your mother in your life, and of course help her.........in the right ways and when you can and are not emotionally drained. Of course we should help the ones we love. I don't ever believe in taking our love away, just our bodies sometimes. We all need to know we are loved, even the drug users, drinkers, etc...Find healthy ways to help your mother. And start to not "need" her as much in your life for other things besides love, it's time to "grow up" and move forward. We should each learn to take care of ourselves and let others take care of themselves and help eachother when it's necessary and in a healthy way. I'm sure your mother loves you and bought those things because of that. Let her know you love her and appreciate the good she does when she does it. Love her drunk, love her sober. Just learn when to stay away for her sake as well as yours. Continue to love your mother.....

July 27, 2002
1:59 am
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Ladeska
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syqg....you're so right with what you say here, you've done alot of growing and it really shows. Good for you. But, it's so true that you - you are responsible - for you, and of course, if you have kids..to a certain extent for a time - you have much responsibility there, too. Too many times though - we make other people - our kids and sometimes - that's our parents. Bad, bad news.. Tough love has to be enacted.

Atw - there are so many trappings when it comes to a relationship with a parent. It's tough. I gave 20 yrs. to one parent and 20 yrs. to another one. And I regret it, I really do. It's like all the vines are intertwined around your vital organs, back and forth between you and you don't know who "you" are anymore.

The guilt trip - can kill you. It can drain the very life out of you and when you're taught that, conditioned to it from the cradle - it's tough business untangled the webwork a strand a time.

Do alot of reading, educate yourself. Ask questions, talk with others like you're doing here so that you don't feel so alone and know that you have the right to say "no". They won't like it, but it's your life.

Sadly enough, some people have to cut all ties because it's just too poisonous and painful. This life is short and don't ever forget that. You deserve, we all deserve to breathe a breath that's truly "ours", ya know? Life needs to be good, peaceful and not with someone's hand around your throat pulling you under because of the choices they have made in life. That's not love. And anytime you are confused about their love when you are around them - that's not a good sign.

Where there is truth - there is no confusion. There is no conflict, especially when it comes to you being taken care of not drug through the mud. Such sacrifices on a continuous basis, being on the merry-go-round, up one day and down the next - isn't love.

And taking care of "you" isn't selfish. Education and knowledge is power - so get it. Learn some every day and talk to others.

July 28, 2002
1:06 am
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tom tom
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I HAVE A GIRL FRIEND WHO IS RECOVERING FROM COCANE AND IS HAVING MY BABY .SHE IS TRYING TO QUIT AND IS NOW IN A HALF WAY HOUSE
WHAT SHOULD I DO WHAT SHOULD I NOT DO , SHE SMOKES CIG AND NEEDS MONEY FOR FOR FOOD PLEASE GIVE ME SOME HELP ON THIS

July 28, 2002
10:01 am
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syqg
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Although they say smoking is bad during pregnancy......I did with 3 and have 3 healthy children. It's not the best thing to do, but it's better than the cocaine any day. Make sure YOU purchase the things and not give her the money. Trust me on that one.

July 29, 2002
3:38 am
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UK Polly
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I smoked during 2 pregnancies - two healthy kids.

August 14, 2002
3:39 pm
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MikeBT
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