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newcomer needs input
August 2, 2002
7:46 pm
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tarusgal52
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Hi this is all new to me. Been seeing a therapist for 3 weeks now. Not sure if we are connecting, but will give it some more time. If we don't connect, then I'll find another. But I "KNOW" I will continue on my path to healing. Just read Co-dependent no more. Good book. Got some some good insight. Ok here's my story. Will try to make it short and to the point. Molested as a child by father who I believe had a drinking problem. Married as soon as I turned 16. After 7 yrs into marriage found out Hubby cheated on me while he was overseas. He lived with a girl the whole time he was there.(year and half) Admit I made him suffer for it for many years. I was devastated. I truely believed he was my night and shining armour who was going to take me away and make life wonderful. Then the betrayal.Needless to say our marriage has been full of rocky roads, mostly because I felt so betrayed. Since the kids are grown and gone, we have become more like roommates. 3 years ago he had an internet affiar. Again I felt so betrayed, but still wanted to salvage the marriage. I think I now know why. But anyhow, I beleive hubby has a drinking problem. Most of our fights are over his drinking and what he does when he drinks. He's a week end drinker mostly. He comes home on friday and after eating and doing whatever, he starts drinking beer. And he does not stop til he falls asleep. Saturday nite is the same thing. This has been going on for as long as I can remember. Lately he has been taking a shot or two of whiskey everynite to "help him sleep". All of that is his problem. I know that. But when he drinks too much whiskey, he gets nasty. Not physicaly(only a few times has he physically forced himself on me), but verbally. He will rant and rave for hours about how stupid, unfeeling,ugly,unappealing etc etc that I am. Usually I have already went to bed when this starts so I just lay there like I'm sleeping. But it still hurts and he knows I'm not sleeping. He rarely apologizes for it, and most of the time ends up making me feel like I deserved it and what he said was true.I know that is my problem. And I'm now working on it. Thats where I need help or advice. It's Friday nite and as I'm typing this, he is out back with his first beer. My anxiety is already building. Will this be the nite when he flys off the handle again?Since I started therapy, I have told him that I will not put with his abuse anymore, and I will do whatever I have to in order to stop it. And I'm pretty sure I will be able to do whatever it takes. And I get a real sense of pride in knowing that I truely mean it this time. But beyond the verbal abuse part, I'm confused about what are reasonable limits to put on him. How do you determine what is reasonable or going overboard? That is my delema. When he's drnking I want nothing to do with him, even if it's just a few beers.I've tried telling him that his drinking is bringing back traumatic memories from my chilhood, especailly when he demands sex. Therapist says it's because I'm reliving the trauma because the situations are so closely tied. person drinks, expects sexuall favors that I'm uncomfortable with, tells me if you love me you will do it, or no one will love you if you don't, and if I resist, it's forced. That's hard for a 5-6 yr to get over when it's her father saying it, and then to hear it by the man who is suppose to love you is even harder. Anyhow, can anyone give me some insight on what are reasonable limits. I want him to know that I will no longer allow his drinking to affect my life. But I'm struggling over what reasonable limits are. Any input would be welcome.

August 2, 2002
9:31 pm
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mossrose
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OMG i dont know, but your story has made me so physically ill i feel like vomiting.

God...I feel so much for you right now. and I really know how youa re feeling. I was never molested, but i know the anxiety with the drinking and the verbal and physical abuse involved with it and the blaming and shaming etc.

Many women here on the coda board will. YOu are amonst friends and people who care and know what you are going through.

My stomach is doing loops...

Five or six years and your father was forcing himself on you..omg..

And your husband lived with another woman for a year and a half and had an internet affair, has a drinking problem and despite your trauma and TSD, he demands sex from you when you are drunk and calls you undesirable etc when you are in bed..

Fuck!

Give me a moment..

August 2, 2002
10:17 pm
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mossrose
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Sorry, i see in the last para i made a typo..meant to say "when he is drunk"

Ok, i see you are dealing with filth and have gotten dirty in the process from the filth of your father and now the filth of your husband.

YOu had a right to be angry all those years for him living with another woman for a year and a half and pretending to love and want you. I dont know how you got over it but i can see that he shamed you for feeling the rage that you felt and because he never acknowledged his wrong doing, the rage stuck within you and you prob had to repress it and it played itself out in your marriage and in you in many destructive ways.

This man has abandoned you in the most painful way. He knows of your pain and trauma from your molestation yet he molests and forces himself upon you and verbally calls you down just as your father did. Im really finding it hard to respond to you sweetee, i feel such contempt and disgust towards your husband and father and sadness, grief and compassion for you as a grown woman and as a child of six.

I welcome you to our group with open arms. Please feel free to tell us anything you wish, especially the stuff that you have not felt safe to tell. This forum is as anonymous as it gets and this board is filled with women like yourself, who only have compassion and wisdom to share with you.

August 2, 2002
10:20 pm
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mossrose
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I do need to tell you right now, that THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU NEED TO DO FOR YOURSELF AS SOON AS POSSIBLE IS TO REMOVE THE VICTIM STATUS FROM YOURSELF AND TO START BUILDING YOUR BOUNDARIES IN YOUR LIFE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. We will help you with that.

You do not need to learn from any more sexual use and abuse any more.
You are crying out. Do NOT have any more sex with your husband. As of reading this post, please, refuse to have any more sex. YOu have deep, deep sexual, emotional and spiritual wounds that are in dire need of healing and having sex with your husband is like being raped and molested over and over and over again..

August 3, 2002
12:56 am
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tarusgal52
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don't worry Moss, sex doesn't exist unless he gets real drunk. When he starts hitting the whiskey then I know to look out. What makes this all hard is other than the drinking and the 2 indiscretions, he is a decent man. always works, comes home everynite, doesn't go out with the buddy's. (course we have no freinds) helps with the house work, I don't want for anything. We both work, house and cars paid for. But I have come to realize that is not enough. I'm slowly standing up to him and saying enough is enough.

August 3, 2002
1:47 pm
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mossrose
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I see, like me, you have to decide whether you want life or a lifestyle.

August 4, 2002
1:17 am
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Jadedragon
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LIFE sweetie LIFE, You only have one. IF that bastard can treat you like that ... what is it worth to you???
House car, who cares about that crap?? That is just STUFF, THINGS, nothing at the end of the day.
Your father was a shit, and so is your husband. You already KNOW that!!. Mossrose is so on the money. Its brutally hard to get out, but it is the only thing you CAN do, to find YOU and LIVE.

August 5, 2002
8:51 pm
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sosos
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READ CODEPENDENT NO MORE, TWO, THREE, FOUR OR AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES TO SINK IN. I left my alcohol/drug addicted husband of 20 years 2 1/2 months ago. I read the book twice before I left. I "got" it better the third time I read it which was two weeks ago. It helped me identify who I was, and it isn't a pretty picture, but I can fix me. I couldn't fix him, even twenty years later. Unconsciously, I started "fixing" me almost two years ago, but didn't realize that's what I was doing. I lost 42 pounds, started buying myself clothes, instead of him and the kids, took off on a bike ride alone at night which was "my" time, bought myself perfume for more than $2, manicures, pedicures, self help books, and anything else I could do for me. I've had a fantastic support group of friends who surely would have voted me MRS. CODEPENDENT OF THE LAST TWO DECADES ABOVE ALL OTHERS, and I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from me. Of course, now I'll need to find another thread to handle my lonely problem, and man who feels like rebound man problem. No person INCLUDING YOU has to ever just accept things the way they are. Fix yourself first, take care of any kids, and let the fucker handle his own problems, with or without you.
Find your way.

August 6, 2002
12:34 am
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mossrose
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whooooooooooohooooooooooooooooooooo sos

I can so relate to buying clothes for him and the kids and not spending much money on yourself, not even for perfume.

I used to buy everyone presents at xmas and i wouldnt get any except for the little gifts my children made me.

I brought him a 500 dollar leather coat and i work a light spring jacket all winter..
I dont know, its so sad what we do to ourselves.

August 7, 2002
4:44 pm
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syqg
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You will not change him. You can not change him. It's not your job. It's not your life. It's his. You want to leave. You are not happy. You will never be happy with the way this is. So leave THIS. Give THIS a chance to change on it's own. If THIS changes by all means work on THIS together. Leave. Now.

August 7, 2002
5:29 pm
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Ladeska
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There are those times in life when we don't need to press another wrinkle out, or pick any more fuss out of our navel or "theirs", or try and pretty whatever up better, or try a different approach, or wipe someone else's butt just one more time.....

There is a time - when the hammer needs to come down and enough needs to be - enough. Whatever time some people waste between here and there - is just that - time wasted. Because what you thought you saw way back when - when the red flags started waving....is the same thing you are looking at now and it's still - ugly and is still stealing minutes, hours, weeks, days, months, years out of your life until you realize that - you're arm isn't broken. And it's your arm - that drops the hammer. Because as long as you put yourself in front of the truck, it will continue to run over you again, and again, and again.

August 7, 2002
7:04 pm
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Ladeska
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And no, I'm not talking about shooting anyone either, just in case "the hammer down thing" got misconstrued.. (smile).

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