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New on the post - finally I can talk!
August 30, 2002
2:55 pm
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beenthruthat
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Hi. I've gone through several threads here and think I've hit the right site! I did a few replies today and have several issues bordering coda and self-esteem problems. So, here's my story.

Started really addressing my issues after being fed up with my 2nd husband's verbal and emotional abuse. Of course, it took me over 4 years to get fed up! During these years I went to individual counseling off and on, then we went to the same psychologist for marriage counseling. It finally dawned on me how abusive his behavior was towards me and, like many of you, I gave him all I had and more - which was never enough.

Shortly after his behavior went from the Charmer to the Abuser, I became pregnant with my one and only child, now 4 years old. At first he was estastic about having a baby, but soon it got in the way of his needs and he began resenting the time I had to devote to her. I was also a great 'dumping ground' for all his feelings of frustration and anger. If the car broke down or the VCR wouldn't record right - it was my fault in some way.

Of course, he was too depressed to keep a job or support his family in any way. I kept on making excuses until things were so ridiculous I was either going to have to get out or wait until he started getting physical.

I filed for divorce August 2001 and he fought me tooth and nail. He accused me of hiding money and embezzlment from a businees we owed four years prior. I had to move out and for six weeks (with my daughter) until he (finally) got a job as a cross country truck driver and left the house.

I had a lot of stress in other areas of my life but felt a lot of relief with him gone. So many people would look at my face and tell me how much happier I looked. And this was during a time when 20 employees under my management had to be laid off, my daughter was sick for 6 months until surgery and the divorce was dragging on and on...

Then, about 11 weeks ago, 1 week prior to our final divorce hearing (no mediation here), he told me he missed me and his daughter and was all messed up and now knew what his priorities were. His timing was perfect. I was just getting to the point where I couldn't figure out what my future was going to be and maybe I missed the drama. So, we decided to get back together on a trial basis with counseling. I had my lawyer postpone the final hearing for 90 days.

Well, now that we approach the 90 days I find that I am not sure what to do. First, he came home and needed to find a local job (i.e. He didn't want to be a burden to me while he was unemployed.) He actually got a job fairly quickly AND sold his beloved Harley. I was shocked. But...since he started working he is getting an attitude that he is entitled to special treatment and not participating in the family as much. Also, he got $15,500 for the motorcycle and has only paid me $200 in the 11 weeks, but is scheduled to start paying me weekly for his share.

Your thoughts and communications back to me would be great. You seem like a great group and hopefully I can work through my issues and get to know you all better!

August 31, 2002
1:41 am
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killapiller
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I bet you will find the name Melody Beattie going around on these threads. She is an author on codependent behaivor. I have found her books very insightfull.

With my baby's father (an ex-boyfriend, maybe?) I have thought about the things I think where his wrongs in our relationship (I know I had pelenty and I am working on them) and wrote down boundaries( a good sight for boundaries is http://joy2meu.com/Personal_Bo.....daries.htm) Now that he is showing signs of wanting to come back to me, I am prepared for him.

August 31, 2002
1:58 pm
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Jadedragon
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Be careful, it is easy to fall back into what you already know. It is comfortable, BUT......you left for many very good reasons. Remember them when you are feeling weak, and think how much lighter you have been feeling on your own. Deep inside, you will see it. I know I do. Good luck

September 1, 2002
3:52 pm
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mossrose
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Man can i identify with you.
He got fifteen grand and only gave you two hundred, gees. He sounds like my asshole ex. WEve been apart nine months and hes already started to quit paying me support. But he will go out and get himself a 60,000 vehicle on lease and pay out the five yr lease in cash. BUT NO he doesnt have enough money to pay us our support.
I was with my guy for eight yrs and i only just got out of this absolutely SHIT marriage with a loser and a abusor.
Ok, i was half responsbile in the fact that i put up with it and let him treat me the way he did.
God, get away from that guy. There are so many nice guys out there, trust me.
None of it is worth it. I hope i never see my husband again. I used to obssess and build my life around OUR dreams that he never put any action into realizing. I will never build my dreams around a man again, never.
I am woman hear me roar. Im getting my own dreams for myself and my children now and im using all the energy i used to waste in obssessing over why my husband didnt love me or treat me with respect and love, INTO realizing my dreams for my self and my children AND im doing it completely alone, with the help of god.
If i can do it, you can do it too.
That guy wont change.
eighty percent of them dont..
Dont waste another day on him.
Think of YOU.
God bless

September 2, 2002
8:21 am
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beenthruthat
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Thank you all for your feed back. I am definitely looking on that site - thank you killapiller! And your right, Jadedragon, he approached me in a very weak moment. I was tired and dealing with a sick 4 year old. She had surgery in May and is better than she's ever been.

And mossrose, glad you can relate. I've been rolling this around in my head and your perspective. I have to say that I seem to have lost any dreams right now. Limbo sucks! So, right now I'm on the fence. The hubby is getting his own restlessness, and backing away from family activities.

My therapist advised I continue living as if I was single, so that is my stance right now. I am also getting another 90 day delay on the final divorce hearing and I will see how he acts when he believes the divorce proceedings are over.

I'll keep in touch.

September 2, 2002
4:18 pm
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gingerleigh
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Good luck, BTT.

September 4, 2002
4:16 pm
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tracylyn
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beenthruthat~

I too can relate. I have been seperated for over 2 1/2 years. The divorce is dragging out. I play the peacemaker to keep it flowing. I too have child support denied if I do anything he doesn't like while he continues to buy a new house, purchase a new truck and lives the high life. I often think that life was so much easier then, we lived in a beautiful home, he was a workaholic and was never home and I had my own life but it wasn't a happy one. My life now is much more difficult, struggling each day because it's hard to realize these codependent traits within me that I have to heal. It was easier then, when I denied them. Life is hard now but I am so much happier because I am living for me and my kids now, not to make him happy. It would be easy to go back and be the "perfect" family that he wants.....but are you happy? Just ask yourself if he has truly changed. Can a person change who they are that much? And you need to think of your child, what is best for your child? Stay strong and be true to yourself. Remember that feeling when he was gone and hold onto that.

Be Well

September 5, 2002
4:47 am
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beenthruthat
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tracylyn-

Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. Right now, my daughter got the first virus from school and I have been home with her for two days. I do feel like a single mom, since hubby started working he's 'tired' all the time. For me, that means no support from him at all.

He is unhappy in his own life - mostly work related. He can't seem to find a niche for himself. He didn't like being a long distance truck driver, so he took a local job. He chose to be in sanitation (which is extremely high paying here) and has a good future with the company. Now he is complaining how hot it is (since these trucks are not air conditioned) and he sighes all the time. I know depression is part of his problem.

Meanwhile, his interactions with me and his daughter are mostly monosyllable replies and he is very withdrawn. It brings the entire household down. Thank goodness for my daughter, though. She brings out the best in me. We laugh and are actually ignoring his behavior. I am sure there is an issue of triangulation here, since he is not acting as my partner, but as another child.

Oh well, just some thoughts. Has anyone else dealt with the depression from the spouse? I know if I say "The divorce is back on, so contact your lawyer", he's going to become both despondent and angry. Nothing I'm looking forward to. He has barely talked to me for two weeks. What a wierd way to live!

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