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my wife the cheater
November 24, 2008
2:36 pm
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My wife wants a divorce. Weve been together a long time. I had to propose to her 3 times before she said yes. I got a ring every time. She kept them but said no .. until she didnt. I dont know when it first started getting so bad. It wasnt long after we got married. The economy has been so bad and there wasnt very much work. People do without or do it themselves. Her check was the steady one and she reminded me of that all the time. It got to be a power trip with her making the money. she made up thse rules as she went along. She told me that it is HER house, her kids came first, even over my son. The boy had such a hard time with me and his mom being divorced and he acted out a lot but down deep he was a good boy. But her kids acting out was the only thing allowed in HER house. she put him out.

I drink, so according to her, I am a no good drunk.It doesnt matter that she drinks too. A lot. Naturally, all our problems are because I drink - the no work, her sexual problems.

She escapes in her computer. She is obsessed with her ex husband and beating him in court. Every time a court date gets close she spends all her time trying to figure out ways to block him from his kids lives, but in the end she caves. I think this is so she can still have contact with him. I know she thinks about him more than she does me.

We never spent any time together because in between court wiht her ex she said she was counseling abused women online. I dont know what she does on there but I know if she had spent half the time with me that she gave to her puter we might have had a chance. We needed to talk and spend time together. One of her biggest deals is "the Contract" She drew up some contract for me before we got married. Those are great in a perfect world but the one we live in isnt. Shit happens and not always according to a plan.

She says Im a pervert. Im a disgusting animal because I look at porn. Well I couldnt ever get her to come away from the pc arguing politics with some guy not even to lay beside me to go to sleep. I started looking at porn so I could take care of it myself. If I had the real thing I wouldnt have needed that to get my satisfaction. First it was ok, but when she thought it was porn that crashed her computer I was every kind of dirty low down something or other. My wife wont have sex with me now because she says I disgust her. That breaks some contract doesn't it? First she wouldn't even come to bed, so I try to take care of things myself, then I disgust her. I don't know what to do about it, I spend most of my time out back because she says she doesn't want me near her.

There is no way to talk to her. she was abused in her first marriage. She talks about that all the time. She thinks everyones abusing her if they dont agree with her. kiss her ass. But she blames everyone else for her problems. She is the one who hits me when she gets angry. but its my fault for griping when the house isnt clean.

My son died. The son she was mean to, the son that she kicked out of OUR house because he didn't act right. She wouldnt tolerate that. Her daughter cuts they dont talk about that. Her son wont mind her the whole house is an uproar when he wont do his homework and mine was the one that was out of control. Her daughter lies and steals money and credit cards but its all good. My son is gone and his death is probably my fault. I didnt stand up for him the way I should have because I wasnt equal with her financially and she held that over my head. My wife wont talk to me wont sleep with me. Wont comfort me in my grief. Id rather be drunk.

She hasnt wanted to get a divorce. she didnt want to be a two time loser. She kept trying to change me to make me into what she wanted me to be. Even before she asked me for a divorce I knew something was up. Over a year ago I started snooping around and found her online. She was looking to have a discreet affair because she was horny but couldnt stand the thought of being with her husband. She met a man at a bar and spent time drinking with him. Lied about where she was. Of course when she told me she wanted a divorce, she didnt say anything to me about being on fire for this man. being a cheater. no. she just told me what a drunk loser I am. how she needs to get away from me. I found out the rest from online. I have been taken for a giant ride. right now its easier not be sober.

November 25, 2008
9:13 pm
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Losermike

Just your choice of nicknames screams out that this is how you see yourself - being an inherent loser, as if such a person really exists.

Sure, you can wallow in your pity pots of booze. That is an easy way of copping out of life's challenges with a huge price tag. But equally you can take a stance towards your situation, make a decision that you will not accept less than the best that you can be and act on it. There isn't one situation that I can think of that hammering the grog won't make a hell of a lot worse.

If you really think that your marriage is beyond repair then why not get out of it? I did many years ago without regret! Or is fear stopping you? Are you fearful of living alone? Believe me you can even get to like that - I have. If you think that your marriage is not beyond repair, then see if you can get your wife to agree to having some relationship counselling.

As for not having a job, life always has opportunities for those who really want and actively seek them. Have you ever thought about self employment? Have you any marketable skills? Handyman perhaps?

Lose the focus on the negativity in your life and start counting your blessings. How about putting up a list here of all your strengths and positive attributes? That would be a good start.

Start with:

1. I have my health.
2. ...
3. ...

After you've expended your list then change your nickname to:

'ANewMan' or

'MrUpnUp' or

'WatchMeFly' or

to something that reflects the 'new you'.

November 26, 2008
2:21 am
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free
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you GO Tez.

you just go!

free

November 28, 2008
11:20 am
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StronginHim77
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1. Stop drinking.

2. Get a job. Stick with that job. Be the most reliable, dependable, excellent employee ever hired.

3. Pay your bills.

4. Take care of yourself, responsibly.

Life will then change. Otherwise, you are on a pity party.

- Ma Strong

November 28, 2008
11:22 am
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P.S. The porn (like the alcohol) creates a chemical "high" in the brain. It is also a (poor) substitute for genuine intimacy. I am not talking about sex. I am talking about true, communicative intimacy between two human beings. You are subsituting and settling for the "rush" of a porn-induced high.

And it is adulterous. You are lusting after other women, instead of keeping yourself strictly for your wife. In my book that is wrong.

- Ma Strong

November 28, 2008
5:56 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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November 28, 2008
6:26 pm
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Harlequin
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StronginHim77

How do you feel about sex outside a marriage?

Before the marriage?

Or looking at commercials with men and women barely clothed? That may be considered porn too.

What about the woman that actively sought out an affair, like Mike's wife did?

November 29, 2008
1:51 pm
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Harlequin -

I'll try to answer your questions in order:

Sex outside of marriage? My personal belief system would rule that out. On a realistic level I believe that many broken hearts are due to being dumped, after offering their most precious, private and vulnerable self to a partner via sexual intimacy, outside of marriage...only to have the relationship fall apart, leaving them devastated.

Before the marriage? Again, my personal belief system would rule that out, as well as my practical concerns about the potential devastation and woundedness expressed above.

Looking at barely-clothed actors in commercials? I change the channel, look away or turn off the set. The eyes are the window to the soul. I try to guard mine.

A married person, seeking out an affair? My personal belief system would rule against that, as well. It would be adultery...morally and ethically wrong. A betrayal of covenant vows. A vow should not be taken lightly. It is serious and should not be violated.

- Ma Strong

November 29, 2008
3:46 pm
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who wrote that essay on porn? it was on a thread at one time. Do you remember what it was called or who wrote it?

November 29, 2008
4:14 pm
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soofoo
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Tiger, it was Kroika's essay. I bumped it for you.

November 29, 2008
4:47 pm
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thanks

November 30, 2008
9:54 am
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Mike,

I'm sorry if what I am about to say sounds harsh, but maybe for the future, it could help if you face the issues you have with porn so you dont get trapped in that. You may have turned to porn as a substitute then got stuck in that trap sence your wife wasnt willing or able to have true intimacy with you. Like spending all her time on the pc to avoid you and intimacy with you. Like I said before, read up on narcisism. A narcissist can not be intimate and will blame the other person for their failure. She probably justifies everything she does now as ok, because you look at porn. Nothing is as bad as that, is it? In her mind that washes her clean of everything. I could see how that could happen, using porn as a substitute when a partner won't fulfill, but it's not the real thing. And you deserve the best next time, Mike.

Again, I'm sorry if I offended you with what I said. Hope you are having a good weekend

Harle

November 30, 2008
10:18 am
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StronginHim77

Thank you for your response. I don't know that all my beliefs are like yours, because I believe sex is ok in a committed relationship, not necessarily married, but care should be taken to get to know the person well. I do believe that marriage vows shouldn't be taken lightly, even when a divorce is pending. "I'm getting a divorce" that sounds like a pick up line that a married man would use! Gross. If I were the man Mike's wife is seeing, I would wonder if she would take our commitment as lightly as she did her marriage vows.

I too think theirs too much emphasis on sex and visual stimilation to sell in commercials and one thing leads to another, so I agree with you there.

December 1, 2008
10:20 am
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Thanks for all the reponses nad the good thougts. I wish I had thougt up a different name. not the name she called me. I have a lot of hard thinking to do about my life. my choices. Harlequin. blaming. she does that. I looked at some of that stuff about narcissism. I see a lot of that in her. I dont think she is hopeless that way cos she has empathy for a few people. it may be because of the abuse from her first marriage. She is a very angry person. was angry when I met her. when I married her. still is. won't back away from fighting with her ex. but that makes it worse. & its insane. she loves to fight. says her anger is good, but no one elses is. mine was never allowed. I thought I could love her enough to make the anger go away. I wanted her to smile the way she did when i first met her. but nothing I did pleasd her. I need to start looking at myself and how I was in all this. i know after a while I started fights too. or I kept them going.

Porn is not a problem for me. I like it but I dont need it to be aroused. Liking it doesnt make me an animal or a addict. i wish she would have watched it with me. we coulda had a blast. I dont want it instead of real sex or love. I just needed something since she was too busy with the pc to lay beside me. I was stupid not to put THAT in that friggin contract. ya know? she kind of broke a promise. dealbreaker huh. Having said that. still I would much rather someone sleep beside me than to have to watch porn. I couldnt even get her to do that. sleep by me. not sex. I dont feel like much of a man right now.

Harlequin thanx for taking time to undertand and talk to me. wow, you seem like a great person. I will check when Im not working. thanks again and take care.

December 1, 2008
4:49 pm
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Losermike.

Mike - how about coming clean with us here?

Is 'Free' your soon to be divorced wife or not?

December 1, 2008
9:13 pm
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Losermike,

It sounds like it's best for both of you to no longer be together. Why waste time running her down? It seems that your alcoholism should be your major concern right now.

Are you working a program? No one is to blame for your alcoholism but you. It's your responsibility to deal with. I hope that you will seek the treatment you need and stay with it.

You cannot expect to find happiness in your life if you're still drinking.

Good luck to you.

Mary

December 2, 2008
12:44 am
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NO I am not her husband. I answered her on the thread I put on the Support side of this forum. I am not that gals husband. Alls I can say is that what I said I am going thru must remind her of her sitz cos shes been going off about it since I came here. I wanted to talk to people about my wife. about my feelings breaking up. but it doesnt seem like thats gonna happen except maybe with Harlequin. theirs too much mistrust about me now &everyone seems to have made up there mind. maybe I shouldnt talk about my feelings on this forum. if it seems like Im running her down wasting time. Its just that Ive kept them inside for so long. I never wanted to admit she hit me. I havent told anyone about that. i stayed angery for feeling rejected as a man. Ive hated her for the way she treated my son. hated myself for staying trapped in the marriage.

Im not in a program. I may be an alcoholic but I only drank some nights after work. I said I drank more when I spent time alone not sure what to do with the way the marriage was going. I dont miss work cos Im drinking. I dont drink as much now that Im not with her. she just freaked about the beer I drank. blamed all our problems on that. but she drank wine all the time. I spend time with friends & family & I dont want to as much.

December 2, 2008
2:09 pm
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Hi Mike!!! It is so good to hear from you!! I'm so glad you are still coming here. (((Mike))) I know this might sound silly, but I was worried that you were alone last weekend with no one to talk to!!! (were you) It's good to hear you are working. Keeping busy is important. I do better when I can stay busy. Less time to brood. It's good that you have cut down on drinking, too!!

Mike I agree that its a good thing to start looking at yourself, but dont blame yourself for everything that went wrong in the marriage. Thats what narcicissists want you to do. Try to look at the situations of your marriage with a different perspective, one where you aren't always the one completely at fault. Not saying to blame everything on her, but dont blame it all on yourself. You know?

It sounds like your wife, soon to be ex, is still battling with her ex and keeping her anger alive by keeping in contact with him. Some people love to fight and argue. I'll argue some times, and usually win, but I'm not really a fighter, more of a lover. 🙂

Mike. As for not feeling like a man because she didn't want you. No. It sounds like this woman had her issues long before she married you, like maybe she tried to blame her issues on you, but remember just cause she said it doesn't make it true. You don't have to blame yourself for the wounds she had before you even met her!!! You couldn't have healed those, that wasn't your responsibility, no, it was hers. You wanted to be her hero and fix things. (((Mike))) I really think once you get over your initial hurt, and get used to the separation, you will see that you are in a much better place without her. Any one that would ignore you then set out to cheat on you isn't worth a pimple on your butt.

I have to dash now, no more long breaks for me - it looks like I am going to be very very busy this season. I'm the event coordinator for a hotel on the West Coast. People are going to travel this year. Yayyy!! You take it easy, Mike. I'll be thinking about you and I'll look for you later.

Harle

December 3, 2008
3:03 am
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Hi Mike...

My counselor once told me that, in regards to a relationship, "two sickies don't make a wellie".

What she meant was that two broken, dysfunctional people can not come together to have a peacefull, happy,healthy relationship.

And believe me, I tried and tried in myown life to make that happen, but that counselor was right. Until I began to work on my own issues and demons, i could not function within a relationship.

It sounds like you got issues Mike. You have boundary issues, self-esteem issues, issues with the death of your son, possible co-dependency and addiction/alcohol issues...

Sounds like you wife also has MEGA issues. Anger, control, self-esteem...

Two sickies don't make a wellie, Mike.

You're not a loser. You're just lost. And that's OK, it doesn't make you a bad person. We all got issues here!

The first step is acknowledging and admitting. You're already starting that here. Think about seeking out counseling. Not just relationship, but individual. Keep talking to safe people. Ignore the negative bull-shit you may find here and elsewhere. Do what you have to do for YOU.

You've been accused of drowning in your own self pity. Well, as someone ho has been there before, let me empathize and say it's hard to see out of the pitty-pot when you feel hopeless and broken... you obviously feel hopeless and broken, Mike, after all, you named yourself "losermike"... What could be more hopeless than that.

But there is HOPE Mike. There is a way out of that hole of depression and self-loathing. But you gotta work for it, and settle for nothing less, even when you feel like you don't deserve it.

Good luck, Mike.

December 3, 2008
4:14 am
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((((free2choose))))!!!!

Always a voice of sanity and kindness. So good to see you, Mrs2c.

I really love what you said, You're not a loser. You're just lost. and "Two sickies don't make a wellie."

Mike, you'll do well to take free2choose's words to heart. She speaks wisdom.

December 3, 2008
3:39 pm
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I need to remember that too....two sickies doesn't make a wellie. that gives me a lot to think about.

December 3, 2008
8:23 pm
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Losermike

On the 2-Dec-08 you wrote:

"NO I am not her husband. I answered her on the thread I put on the Support side of this forum. I am not that gals husband. Alls I can say is that what I said I am going thru must remind her of her sitz cos shes been going off about it since I came here."

Well I, for one, am bamboozled now! This seems to be one hell of a coincidence that all the events in your life seem to line up with Free's. Of course your interpretations of these events and the causes differ greatly from Free's.

I guess that I will just have to bow out gracefully from exchanges with you without knowing either way for sure. That is the wisest move, I believe. "If in doubt don't!" is my motto.

December 3, 2008
8:50 pm
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Free2choose. thanx for respnding to me. you are right. about two sick people & I think we made each other worse than we were before. Thank you Free2choose for saying I am not a loser. Thank you. I looked for grief counseling today. I almost made the call but I backed away from it.

Thank you Kroika. Tez. No problem man. I understand.

December 3, 2008
8:57 pm
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Harlequin. Harle. nice to hear from you. thanx for taking the time. You sound like a busy woman. You know. I think you are a woman. are you. Harle. you dont have to take all this shit on my behalf. I dont know why you are doing it.

But no. I didnt spend thanxgiving alone. thanx for asking. i spent it with family and some friends. My exwife asked me to spend it with them. we have another child together & this was our first holiday since my boy died. I did some jobs over the weekend too. Ive been working a lot & Im too tired to do much except watch tv after I get home from work. Im working for this guy getting paid under the table. its the best I can do right now. I hope it picks up after the first of the year. I dont know if I was a hero. I can fix anything around the house & she liked that. I fixed a lot of stuff up in that house. she thought I would make more money than I did and she threw that in my face all the time. I think you are right about feeling better without her bitching at me all the time. She was dissapointed in me. she was emberrassed about me. hated to take me to her work parties. stuff like that. I could tell she didn't think I was smart enough to talk to her friends. That hurt to see that in my wifes eyes. ya know? It dragged me down. Harle. I live on the west coast too. How about that. i guess we cant say were we live. can we. thanx for writing. take care.

December 4, 2008
1:36 am
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LOSERmike:
would that little town start with a L and end in a C and have ompo in the middle??
haha.
AY micheal- this is too small of a town for your big mouth. you go and brag about how you found her online. and then tell everyone where! lol. but you didn't realize someone might actually come and read this crap?!
you are such a horrible liar.
now everyone in this town is going to know.
Fool- get a life. be a man. and leave this woman alone.

you are being pathetic.

everyone knows you cheated on her when her and her kids all went on vacation to see her family.(you know where that is)you didn't want to go.... because you were afraid of what she had told her parents about your drinking (you are ashamed of it)

you just couldn't keep your mouth shut.

whats up with your nickname??
(its absolutely perfect for you sweetie!)

Have a Great Day! 🙂

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