Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
My children are hurting badly!!!
October 24, 2005
11:08 am
Avatar
overcome
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

This weekend I notice that my middle daughter is not herself. She is generally very sweet, overly sensitive and caring. Well, she was acting out and really behaving out of character. Finally, Sunday night she really has an episode.

I take her into her room and we talk and I find out that she is afraid of moving---my xwife is fianlly selling the house that she cannot afford-6 months after she was supposed to. Its a long 3 year story that I am not going to get into but.....anyway, Friday is settlement and neither I or my children know where they will be living. Their mother is keeping this a secret for some reason.

I reassured her that BOTH her parents love her and she will always have a place to live at BOTH parents houses. That even though moving can be scary, it is exciting also. I assured her that she will stay in the same school for this year. She was afraid that she would move far away and I would not be able to see her or I would be late and she would miss soccer. I told her she was staying the same town and no matter where she lived I would not be late and she would always make soccer. My heart nearly broke from feeling so sorry for what she is going through.

When I put them to bed, I sent my XWife a txt message. It was detailed and specific. The response I received was "ok". That is it. The X called this morning and I had it at that point. I told her that I made a decision that I would not show up at settlement unless I knew where my kids were going to be living. She kept saying the kids were fine and not to worry....very rudely. I told her that she had not seen her kids since Wednesday morning, how did she know what they were dealing with.

Eventually it got a little heated and I got a nasty. That is not like me, but I am at my breaking point, as I see the hurt in my kids.

After I calmed down, I called the raltor and explained the situation. I very clearly stated that I would not show up for settlement unless I knew where my kids would be living. She tld me that I would not get my proceeds from the house. I told her I took a minimal amount off of the house (like 1/3 of what I should have received) so the kids could have a place to live. I was supposed to have my proceeds in June. I have gone this long without it and I have not problem waiting a little longer.....besides, my kids are more important than any amount of money. She seemed surprised. I advised her to talk to my x and straighten it out.

I just cannot stand what this is doing to my children. Anyone out there involved in an affair or thinking of an affair-DONT DO IT!!! If you love your kids, do right by them. My X had an affair and a baby out of it. It DESTROYED my kids, their life as they knew it and any sense of security they once had.

October 24, 2005
11:24 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't know your story - so pardon if I ask dupliate questions.

do you have a lawyer involved? that would probably be my first course of action. Do you have joint custody or just visitation or anything formal?

I would say you have a right to know where they live and what kind of living conditions - that since mom has defaulted on her financial responsibilities with the home, and you are concerned about their welfare, and mom's ability to be financially responsible, you have a right to know where they are moving to.

Without a lawyer, I don't know how you could find this out.

And honestly, without knowing - you COULD be telling your daughter incorrect information - perhaps mom IS planning on moving out of town and away from you - and if you are telling your daughter it won't happen - it may hurt the trust your daughter has for you - so it would be in your best interest to find out your legal rights - and find out the facts - because if they move - you may lose your rights.

my heart goes out to you - I will say a prayer for you and your kids.

October 24, 2005
1:06 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Gee, this is a lot to take! I'm glad you came to the right place for support. Ali just pointed out some very important stuff.

I read the thread thinking I'd learn something about my childhood or perhaps contribute and relate to the kids, but wow, while reading your post I thought "this is for grown ups", I ask myself if I'm grown up enough to deal with this. I'm in my 40's and still have deep feelings/thoughts about my parents'separation.

I think your middle child, daughter, will only feel safe if she's whole, and by that I mean having both parents, 50% from each. That's how the heart and brain go and it's so true. Just imagine that a baby cries when the mother disappear because it thinks that's part of him/her going to never never land out of the door. So try not to fight in front of the kids or badmount their mom behind her back. Remember that even when parents are bad, kids want their parents.

I'm very sensitive to kids suffering. So be as close as possible to them.
I know your kids will be with their mother but it seems your X is either more selfish, more needy or etc. You seemed to see through your daughter's misbehavior and she trusted you with thoughts/feelings. So I bet she's counting a lot on you. Do anything in your right to be a part in your kids lives. That's all I can tell you for now. Best,

October 24, 2005
1:32 pm
Avatar
prison4parents
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Keep it Simple DAD! Hug her close and tell her you are the grownup and you will make sure she is safe. Hug her too ou and squeeze her breath and ask her is she feels safe. Tell her then that she should not worry, you will make sure she is safe and hug her again. She is a kid you are the grownup, give her safety when she needs it and fish for the true answer. Is she going to miss her friend? Was she going to be Cinderella in the class play? Arluts all think questions are hundred dollar bills, with a child they are pennies and nickels. Keep it simple and fish for the fear within using pocket change. Your fears about your ex and apparent disdain for her may be clouding your ability to see what your daughters fears actually are. Hugs and kisses, and God has a plan for us all, we must march unawares to his beat to the see the heavenly rewards here on earth. And sometimes I just want to hear that no matter what happens, it will be just fine! I will still eat dinner and be loved and have my Daddy! Good Luck to you! You seem to be an awesome Dad doing his very best ;)!

October 24, 2005
1:44 pm
Avatar
lessthanalive
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

you have renewed my faith in the male race:) i know what your going through, i know what it feels like to see your kids suffer. and even though your ex is all over the place, you are right where you need to be for your kids. it sucks that we cant make the other parent see and love and feel, we just have to let them screw up and be civil about it and that is so hard to do when your eyes are open to your childrens needs and feelings and the other parent is lost in selfish land. you sound like a wonderful fathre who loves his children. let them know that. and at least they have one parent who is where they need to be, kids know where they feel loved.

October 24, 2005
4:14 pm
Avatar
overcome
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I appreciate everyone's kind words. However, I just lost my faith in God to some degree at this point. I worked my azz off to put myself through school and secure a good job....not for me...but for my kids. I was a good family man. I love my children more than anything on this earth. I have made some mistakes but for the most part I have done right by my family.

Sorry to say this but my xwife is an absolute piece of crap. To name a few, when I would not go back with her a year ago, she called child services on me and said I beat my kids. When the investigation came up with nothing, she went to, not one, but two local courts and filed charges against me. All of which were ultimately dropped. I did not see my children regularly for over 3 months during this process. Also, leading up to this, each time I did not "fall in line" with any of her demands during our separation, she would file restraining orders against me (4 total). Although they would be dropped, it would take a week or two to get in front of a judge to dismiss them. She usually would not even show up. During that week or two, I would not see my kids.

We were separated for over a year and when I started dating, she brought my oldest daughter to my apartment to show her that I was dating someone and fueled a huge fire. It took months of therapy and after almost two years, my oldest and I are finally getting close to before....but not there yet.

She got pregnant by the person she had a affair with and tried to get back with me the whole time. Meanwhile hiding her pregnancy and telling the kids not to tell me. The whole time I knew my kids were not right and I had them in therapy. I did not find out about this baby, which shattered my kids, until it was like 3 months old.

The whole time all I wanted was a divorce from her. She was nothing but a lying, cheating manipulator that cared for nothing above herself.
She fought me the whole way and used the kids as weapons....ultiamtely damaging them very badly....

...tell me, where was God while all this was going on? How does this fit into his master plan?

October 24, 2005
4:19 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am sorry to hear all the pain that your relationship has caused you and your family.

October 24, 2005
4:36 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Overcome,

I do not know where god was, but wonder if you were even looking for god to be there.

I realize this is hard - my BF lost his dad when he was 7, his dad was 33, and he wonders why god took his dad away from him.

My only thought in your case is, were you looking for god, and were you asking for god's help, were you praying and were you really open to god's help. Sometimes we think we are, but the truth is, we are hell bent on running the show ourselves and have kicked god out of the driver's seat. In this case, your wife certainly had done it - so there was no god to help her, and unfortunately, her actions, and lack of god's help, did damage your children.

But it isn't too late to repair that.

As far as you - your wife put all those plans in place to destroy you - but nothing came of them and you were cleared - perhaps god was watching out for you then - alot of time, men don't fare so well, even tho they are truly innocent. Alot of times, the courts or the investigators continue to believe the lying spouse, even if there is no concrete proof.

This isn't the liberation brew side of the board, so I don't want to go into this too much...I don't believe in god of organized religion, but more of a spiritual higher power....and my udnerstanding of the process is still new...so my debate is probably full of wholes if I try any harder to help you understand...cuz i know I don't have all the answers.

My BF was totally grief stricken last nite - he was crying like i had never seen a man cry before...well, I have seen him cry like this before, but never had a partner before this who was vulnerable enough to open up like that. Anyway, he has the same questions - where was god when his dad died, where was god when his mom and brother were being abused by his step dad, where was god when his ex wife walked out on him, leaving him dumbfounded with no answers.

I don't know those answers - maybe there was a reason - or a plan - and maybe we won't ever understand the plan - or like it or want to accept it...but I want to believe in the scheme of things, it's all working towards a better life. It's easy for me to say, cuz my pain can't compare to yours - so I don't know what else to say.

I think your thoughts are understandable....maybe someone else knows better than I do.

October 24, 2005
7:35 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A while back the site coordinator asked us to keep our religious preferences off the site in order to help others who do not believe as we do. At first I was offended, but now I totally get it.

I hope that you continue posting here and know that you are cared about.

October 24, 2005
7:40 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mj,

maybe I contact the site coordinator for this question, but wonder...

I am in a 12 step coda program - and it is all about a "higher power". I do not have religious preferences - because I don't believe in organized religion - but I call my "higher power" god for ease of discussion.

but my real thought is - even higher power is a "religous preference" of sorts, is it not?

so how do you discuss this without making it SOUND religious?

I truly believe in the 12 step and higher power idea - I just not sure where it falls in the scheme of keeping religion off this bulletin board.

if that is the case, then asking for prayers should be as well, no?

off to email the site coordinator....don't want to step on toes here.

October 24, 2005
7:50 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi alicat,
I also attend twelve step and know where you are coming from. My intention in posting what I did was because I detected an anger from overcome about God and thought that SC was appropriate when she said keep religion on the liberation side of the site. Not trying to discount anyone's beliefs here! Just trying to be of help to anyone who needs help. You certainly didn't step on my toes, and I hope that my words weren't perceived as offensive to any others as well.

October 24, 2005
7:59 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

no, I totally am not offended.

I just don't want to offend anyone either.

I think it's a fine line to walk and with all this talk about higher power, it's so hard to use the "god" reference, just out of convenience...and if I don't put a disclaimer in, or mention higher power...then I can see how it could be viewed as religious.

I could be angry with my higher power...are you meaning I should keep discussions such as that on the liberation brew side?...as in any discussions that need debate?

dunno - hard to understand...so I emailed the site coordinator.

October 24, 2005
8:06 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Keep caring for your children above all except to take care of yourself to be good for them. I hope the poem helps you. It helps me even though I don't believe in the planned part -- oh, well, enough said.

best wishes

My life is just a weaving
Between my G-- and me
I do not choose the colors
He works steadily
Sometimes he weaves sorrow
And I in foolish pride
Forget he sees the upper
and I the underside
Not till the loom is silent
And shuttles cease to fly
Will G-- unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why
The dark threads are as useful
In the skillful weaver’s hand
As are the gold and silver
In the pattern he has planned

October 24, 2005
8:44 pm
Avatar
on my way
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

very good poem, sininho, thanks for sharing and reminding.

October 25, 2005
4:27 pm
Avatar
mj
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi alicat,
I am glad that offense was not taken.

Overcome, I hope that you will continue to reach out. Did I detect anger in your last sentence? I hope that you find help here at this site.

October 25, 2005
9:27 pm
Avatar
lessthanalive
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

in my opinion, god (or whoever you believe your higher power to be) doesnt cause bad things to happen. he is a comfort for you when those things go wrong. he is there to give YOU the strength to deal. no one can change other people, not even god. thats the beauty of free agency. 🙂 you are you and no one else. and thats a beautiful and horrible thing. beautiful because no one can take away your happieness, your freedom your strength. horrible because we cant give it to other people, that awareness, that strength to be good people. but we can be and that is what is important. your kids will see you ex for what she is one day. they will see you for what you are one day too. knowing who you are and doing well and treating people well and being that loving , giving man will be seen. no doubt about it. and it doesnt matter where mom is cause dad is right where he needs to be. 🙂

October 29, 2005
7:31 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

"A Native American man was telling a story to his young grandson. He said that inside of every person evil and good raged at one another like two wolves. The young grandson asked his grandfather which one would win? His grandfather told him, "The one you feed."

Overcome, I hope you are making progress with your situation. Im leaving this poem to help you put your faith into the good things you're doing while trying to reach for your kids.

And to know people here care.

October 29, 2005
8:48 pm
Avatar
shyshy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Overcome: I know exactly how you feel in being angry with God. That was me some time back when I was married and my husband, whom I met in church, had played a disappearing act again to go act out in the gay lifesyle.

I was so mad at God for letting me marry him. After all, I asked for his direction before I did and never once did anything come up. So hell, here it is almost 20 years after I married him and we are divorced. Two years now.

For a long time I was really bitter. Not just because of the hell that God let me go through with my ex but also at the fact that everyone in my immediate family is dead and I am all alone in this world. I still struggle greatly with that one.

As time goes on though I am beginning to see that even though I've gone through what I've gone through, I'm ok. I own my own home, I'm driving a decent car, I am pretty much debt free and my kids are happy and healthy.

There's a reason why we go though what we go through as hard as it may be. This whole thing has changed who I am for the better.

Your ex sounds like the ex from hell by the way and really really selfish and self centered. She has no regard for anyone but herself and I can't believe she puts her kids through all that turmoil!! Shame on her!!

Just remember that sometimes bad things happen to good people. It's just part of life.

I know it's not easy but try as best as you can to pick up the pieces one by one and be there for your kids as much as you can. Even if the evil witch takes them away for some time, write to them, call them, fight for them but do whatever you have to do to make sure they know this is not your fault and that you really really do love them and will always be there for them.

And remember that this too shall pass! Things will eventually get better.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
32
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110922
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38536
Posts: 714206
Newest Members:
Corties, patrickstayes, kevinkovalsky, izzy39, RoyFollman, kevin021
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer