Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
lost soul going insane
August 10, 2002
6:52 am
Avatar
nattie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I'm just gonna ramble on for a minute or two so bare with me..i hope this makes sense.

I am so lost and I know i am so dependent on my bf. I agree with so many of these threads that I just don't feel like a real person unless I can do for someone. I only clean my apt. or do things for myself if my bf comes over, I think to myself if he lived here I would be so active but since i live alone i don't do a damn thing. I sleep, smoke like a chimney and surf the net. I don't call anyone back, my friends always invite me out but i just don't feel like it. My life is on IM only lately.

I am trying to stay sober and bf is back to drinking and I freaked about that. he gets a phone call at 1:30 am and i here him say babe so I think it's a girl, he swears it wasn't and said he would never disrespect me doesn't know why he said that. he says he's going to bed, I stop by his house and he decided to go out drinking where I found him fucked up, so I get drunk in front of him....I tried to call over and over again before i found him, he said he didn't know what to say at the time and that he was sorry. he text messaged me last night at 4am, 2 minutes later. only 2 minutes later i call he doesn't pick up so what do i do...i keep ringing and ringing and wonder what the hell is trying to do, what is the excuse gonna be.

So everyone says to move on, how do I. We broke up so many times and I just can't live I can't do anything, I'm depressed and lonely, don't feel like even eating. So we get back together and it's ok for awhile, i just want a normal relationship, to be loved.....I apologize for overreacting and then the same things happen so we fight again.

People say i have to move on, find my own life do my own thing. I don't even care, i could care less right now and am so lost so sad so frightened. I am 30 years old, i have no one, I fucked my job up because of my drinking so I'm known as this weak, messed up depressed girl. I make a ton of money so it's not like I can leave. I sold my house and living in an apt. which is fine but I just want to be ok with myself. i go to therapy but I'm still not getting better. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm adopted and can't even connect with my family, i feel like they are strangers. I feel like everyone is a stranger to me, I forget things from day to day, what happened yesterday and what I said or did. I think I'm going insane.

i dont even know if i made sense.....gonna stop now, please post if you feel like this too. thanks

August 10, 2002
6:59 am
Avatar
nattie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sometimes i think it's this damn Paxil I'm taking which i cannot get off due to the side effects. I tried going to AA, didn't work. I tried talking to friends, doesn't work. They just make me angry at my bf because they say I'm right but when I tell him he says I'm wrong that he trully loves me and would never do anything to hurt me. So i don't understand what's going on. i don't understand why I overreact and can't have my own life.

I use to love to fix my apt. up, listen to music go to the bookstore for hours and read. I use to do yoga and work out, I use to love to go to the beach and see movies with friends. ever since I got sober I feel like I'm always depressed and don't care. could it be this paxil, could it be I'm just acting out.

I always use to know how to make myself feel better, I use to pray and God would help me. I really feel like I lost it and nothing can change it. I used to dream about taking trips and moving to someplace and experiencing life, I don't even care anymore and it's scaring me. I was never this bad before in my life. I've had my bouts with depression but this is getting ridiculous.

August 10, 2002
7:01 am
Avatar
nattie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

one more thing.....everyone says, I'm talented, very pretty, smart and funny and have so much to offer and have so many opportunities. but I just can't see it, my heart hurts and my soul is so sad that i feel this way, I don't want to feel this way anymore.

August 10, 2002
10:08 am
Avatar
syqg
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I too feel the way you feel. I have felt it off and on for over 16 yrs now. Since I was a teenager. I am 33 yrs old. I am not a doctor or pychiatrist. But I will tell you that I have not one time ran into a person that Paxil agrees with. I know of 3 family members and 2 people through a friend of mine at her work that go WAY TOO LOW. Check with your doctor. It is your health here. They do not know all. And they can only help you if you let them know how you feel. No holding back. When I feel the way that you are feeling (I know that I don't feel exactly like you) I try to take it one day at a time. I force myself to get out of the house. I now force myself to call people. I hate it, but the depression doesn't last as long if I do these things. I will pray for you and I will write later. :0)

August 10, 2002
1:07 pm
Avatar
mossrose
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear Nattie, you really need to put yourself into a clinic for alcoholism. They say recovery and staying recovered is best if you are an inpatient, you have the money so do it.
The reason you are so depressed is because that was the underlying depression you were running from when you were drinking. When you quit and get sober you are stuck with it. YOu need to deal with your feelings and your depression, big time.
Paxil is risky, i dont know much about meds but i heard it was pretty deadly, like playing iwth fire.
YOu might want to change your meds.
YOur drinking has affected yoru job and youve lost your home, gf, get yourself into a clinic/hospitol.

You are ruining your mind and your life.
Drinking causes the brain chemistry to alter and depression is a common occurence.
YOu sound like you are so wasting your life and you need to get far far away from that bf of yours who is fucking you up worse than you already are.
My prayers are with you.

August 11, 2002
2:47 am
Avatar
nattie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mossrose I appreciate your feedback. I was in rehab for 2 months and came home May 26th. I did so well until I got home, I was confident there and ready to take on the world but felt the life being sucked from me.

I am going to talk to my doctor this week about paxil, I really think this has alot to do with my underlying depression and the fact that my boyfriend is just a dick sometimes.

BUT, I left him yesterday, he lied again and finally left him. I feel good about it and am gonna keep this momentum going, do for myself for once. Sometimes I'm so sad at the age of 30 and so many mistakes, so much wasted time. If you only knew the crap I put up with when i was young and how i 've felt lately but I'm not drinking now, it's just a waste of time and I want to get better. that is all I want, I want to get BETTER!!!!!!

August 11, 2002
9:03 pm
Avatar
mossrose
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Awwww, i hear you, good for you.
I put up w a lot of shit from men all my life (36) and im done with that!
If you like, talking to us about your childhood history might unload ome things for you:)

August 14, 2002
3:33 am
Avatar
nattie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

thanks blondie, I'm trying. xo

August 14, 2002
7:16 am
Avatar
nattie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

God I've been posting all morning, that thing you said about me posting and that it was supportive gave me a new sense of purpose I think. or maybe I'm really getting what your saying...FINALLY. or maybe it's from what happened last night.

I'd like to share something with you that gave me goosebumbs last night.

Ever wonder if there are angels or souls that for one single moment is there to give you some light and direction.

Well, I hope by me sharing this will give you some hope and I hope God doesn't mind if it's suppose to be my little secret.

So anyway, I'm sitting outside work talking to my bf and just not getting anywhere with the conversation, feeling really sad and just knowing that things really did suck at times and not sure if his words are sincere. I was sitting there alone on my cell really just lost and this lady walks up to me and says you are lost my friend. And I couldn't even finish the conversation with him, I told him i had to go. So me and this lady sat there and she told me about some of her life and what she is struggling with right now. I wasn't sure about her and put up a wall just in case like I always do. But I had this sense of peace with her, she was a pretty black women, and had beautiful eyes, very calm and sweet.

So I walked to the door and she continued to talk with me and as she left she shook my hand and said something I couldn't really understand cause of her accent. I said take care of yourself and she said you too. I said I was trying, she replied you will be ok, you'll see, then she said something like you are hurting but you will be ok, you have a strong spirit inside of you. I got all goosebumpy and thought it was really neat.

If it was someone trying to tell me something from up there, thank you. Even if it was just a human being giving me a boost, thanks too. I love those moments in life when the unexpected hits ya right dead in the eyes.

August 14, 2002
8:52 am
Avatar
syqg
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

When you know where you are, you can't be lost. Know where you really are in your life right now and you will go where you want to go. Denial is the number one map stealer. It takes your map and crumples it and after time the map just deteriorates into nothing and then you end up nowhere and still even lost there. It's okay to look up at the road sign and see where you are and it's okay to take a different turn even if those around you choose to keep walking backwards. You can turn. You can fight denial and take your map back and walk slowly and read it while you figure out where you want to be. Boy, was that good or what? I just blabbled that all out! May sound corny, but it's coming out of me this morning. Maybe God using me for you this morning. Just maybe. :o)

August 14, 2002
9:01 am
Avatar
nattie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

we've been posting all morning sygg, must be a God thing, I agree.

August 14, 2002
9:01 am
Avatar
syqg
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Nattie, you don't ever need anything anymore. Just you. No running. No turning away from problems anymore. You don't need a boyfriend, parents or anything like alcohol to survive in the world. Not saying turn away from parents.........just stop YOUR dependence on their problems and life as an excuse to not take care of yours! We all have done it. And I sense that you are but just can't see it. Just think on that, and if I'm wrong let me know. I just sense it. A person that finally stops "wanting" to run from things will not "need" alcohol any longer. It's growing up and seeing that we all have problems, it's how we handle them that determines how we will do in life. Make a vow to stop running from life and you will see things more clearly.

August 14, 2002
9:10 am
Avatar
syqg
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have to go now. Have housework to do. I am going to put your name in the plate at church to be prayed for. (I just stopped running from God) I feel so much better now than in the past. Baby steps. I stumble all of the time, but now I actually WANT to get up and by myself too. I'll check in alittle later.

August 14, 2002
9:10 am
Avatar
syqg
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have to go now. Have housework to do. I am going to put your name in the plate at church to be prayed for. (I just stopped running from God) I feel so much better now than in the past. Baby steps. I stumble all of the time, but now I actually WANT to get up and by myself too. I'll check in alittle later.

August 14, 2002
9:28 am
Avatar
nattie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

well, I'm feeling better today and thanks for the input sygg and the prayer for me! I here what your saying and I guess your right about alot of things, maybe I am just making excuses for living my life, maybe I'm just scared of what I could be. I want to be a good person, that's all. ttyl xo

August 14, 2002
9:38 am
Avatar
nattie
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sometimes I read what I ramble on about and realize what the heck was I saying sometimes. this place is like a journal for me, thanks for listening and helping.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
25
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111165
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
anissafield, Aemorph, CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information