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December 20, 2002
9:55 am
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Anonymous
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Hi everyone...kinda new to this. I am dealing with a husband who is addicted to porn. Not dealing well actually. I have been in recovery from alcoholism for about 2 years now and have been trying to apply the principles of a 12 step program in all areas of my life. I'm trying to focus on changing myself, but am going crazy with my husbands addiction. He is going to an appointment with a doctor on monday, but does not want to call a number I gave him for SA anonymous. I know I can't change him. But I really want him to change. I have buried my marital problems in booze for years, most of which were created by alcohol, however now I'm looking at the problems I simply avoided for years. I go back and forth with wanting it to all just be over, get out of the marraige...but then I look at how supportive he was when I was drying out. I'm impatient, angry, feel like I'm going crazy. I want to hide. But I want to be mature. I think I'm rambling a bit too. I just need to get this out. Hard to talk to anyone about it. Can anyone relate?

December 20, 2002
11:32 am
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Hi Onedayatatime, I like your nick name!

I attend Al-Anon now, but attended AA for 2 years prior so I can relate totally! I think you are on the right track!

My husband receives lots of girly photos from his friends at work. He subscribes to several magazines as well. For me personally, I just work on me. He has a right to choose for himself what we wishes to look at. I choose to to walk away if he is looking at something I find offensive.

I use to personalize that I must not be enough to satisfy him, but through talking it out with him, I discovered that it was more about his insecurities with aging that made him enjoy this.

I have put on 50 lbs the past year due to a serious ankle break and loss of mobility, and yes, overeating. I am choosing to swim to try and rehabilitate my ankle and lose some of this disturbing excess weight. I don't feel very pretty now and I definitely don't like looking at myself in the mirror or photos. I found that lately, his hobby is more disturbing to me. Then I said to myself, You aren't comfortable with where you are at physically, so work on yourself. This is helping.

I would like to congratulate you on your sobriety. That is a Great accomplishment. I do depression rather than alcohol to deal with my personal defects. I read daily meditations and pray alot. My weekly al-anon meetings help alot to keep the focus on me and my recovery.

God Bless.

December 20, 2002
12:08 pm
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Thanks MJ,
His problem is much beyond looking at some magazines and girly photos. I've talked to him about it and he knows it's a problem. I think he is looking for someone to tell him he is normal, which is why I'd like him to go to SA meetings. I go to a lot of AA meetings, but it is not the forum for this topic there. Thanks again.

December 20, 2002
1:31 pm
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Oh yes, I can relate!!! My ex was completely addicted to porn, so much that he didn't want to have sex with his own partner. And I'm not talking about the dirty video every once in a while. I mean he had stacks and stacks of tapes. And then the internet... some of the stuff he showed me, it was awful. The first thing that about floored me was when he confessed that he most preferred to look at pictures of young girls, like 12 or 13 years old. In retrospect, this shouldn't have surprised me, given his history of dating younger and younger women, finally culminating in this 40 year old man entering into a relationship with a 23 year old (me). This was disturbing, yes, but as enmired in it all as I was, it just made me think that my body wasn't young enough looking for him, and that I needed to lose weight, become more child-like, something. Anyway, what really put me over the edge was when I came up behind him one day with a drink for him and he was looking at a picture of a teenage girl giving oral sex to a horse. That was about all I could stand.

There is no way my ex would have gone to therapy for this, he thought it was just "spice" and "variety", and perfectly "normal". I was the "prude", and I needed to get therapy since I was the one who had a problem with it. Relationship ended, for that reason and many others, but I'm convinced that even without the many other problems we had that there would ever have been a solution to it, unless I was willing to button my lip and just put up with it.

You really want him to change. I hear ya, sister. But he won't change just because you want him to. He has to believe that what he is doing is not OK, or else he won't ever be driven to stop. Think about why you stopped drinking. Did you ultimately stop because you were sick of hearing other people tell you it wasn't right? Or did you just feel and understand that you weren't being good to yourself, and that you wanted to make changes in your life to make things better for *you*?

Take time to work on yourself, like MJ suggests, but as part of that working on yourself, figure out what your boundaries are, and what you will and will not live with. If excessive porn is not something you can live with and feel OK about, you might need to take action to protect that boundary.

Do you have children in the house?

December 20, 2002
1:45 pm
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I've already told him that if he does not get help he will have to leave. It is not acceptable to me. Yes, I have kids in the house. Young children. They have not observed anything to my knowledge...this is something he tries to hide well...he didn't realize I knew the ins and outs of the computer to find out what he's been doing. Back in the summer we had it out about this and he said he would stop. I gave him time to stop on his own. Then I discovered that he never stopped, which brought me to the point of telling him, get help or leave. I am disgusted. This has caused a lot of harm to our relationship. I have no trust in him what-so-ever. I guess I should just wait for the outcome of the shrink visit and hope for the best. Until then, I'll try not to go completely crazy. As much as I hate what he has been doing (and I'm sure I don't even know the extent of it), I do love him. Thanks for listening guys.

December 20, 2002
2:04 pm
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Kids can pick up on things on levels we aren't aware of sometimes. Stick firm on this boundary, for the sake of your kids. Good luck, OneDay.

December 20, 2002
2:29 pm
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Thanks Ginger...I think they are picking up on the tension around here.

I just looked around this website a bit...is this supposed to be just for counselors? I just read the mission statement and I may be in the wrong place, lol

December 20, 2002
3:05 pm
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Heck no, this place is for everybody! There are a few licensed therapists around, but most of us are just well-meaning people. I've been here for a little over 2 years now, came here for help, still ask for help sometimes, and try to help where I can. But I am definitely not a professional.

The codependency threads don't tend to get as much traffic as the "general" board does, so feel free to introduce yourself over there and say hi. As with anything on the internet, you don't really "know" anyone here, and no one "knows" you, so you are pretty much guaranteed a variety of opinions. Take the advice offered with that in mind. If something feels right to you, sure, wear it. If it doesn't seem quite on the mark to you, keep reading and writing, asking questions, etc.

There aren't really any rules, other than adhering to the site coordinator's guidelines (they are posted on all the pages in a drop down list).

Welcome to the site.

December 20, 2002
5:06 pm
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I'm not doing well. I'm going crazy, everything is getting to me and I am sooo short tempered. Life ... is not pleasant right now, to say it without getting in trouble. I don't know. I don't know anything.

December 20, 2002
9:32 pm
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Oneday try to take it easy and deal with one day at a time. I think MJ had a great idea, when she said think about yourself and concentrate on yourself. I know it is hard at first, and at times you feel like you will make progress and days you feel like no progress was made. But be strong and true to yourself and your children, Good luck !!

December 21, 2002
2:24 pm
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You still around OneDay? Do you want to talk about it?

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