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is he only rebound man?
August 5, 2002
9:10 pm
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sosos
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I am SOSOS, and I definitely know I am codependent. To be short, I left a 20 year marriage just over two months ago. Have had a friend for about a year who has been more than an amazing person for about the last 4 months. We have been "intimate" twice, once before I left and once since. I didn't leave for him, I knew leaving was what I needed to do for some time as the wife of an alcoholic/drug addict. But he helped me feel so much better about myself, I was able to do what I had to. We have had marathon phone calls, emails sent with the perfect message, or thought I needed. He has pushed nothing though, I have pushed. I never knew that men like this even existed. He lives an hour and a half away, so spontenaity is a problem, but on the other hand we work in the same town, same company, different building. My codependency characteristics came out during an awful week when I had no sleep and started to wonder why he calls and emails and is so wonderful but we make no plans to be together. And, yes this wonderful internet and emails got me in trouble because the ugliness came out. Anyhow, he says remember how we discussed no strings, no desire to get married again, blah blah blah. How can anyone put rules on where their future and feelings will take them? And who said marriage, I said a movie? He is one year out of a 24 year marriage. I can't see me dating guy after guy, or any guy just for a date, especially when I like this one. HELP ME WITH SOME THOUGHTS>

August 5, 2002
10:02 pm
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Ladeska
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Well, I a little confused here because if you did discuss no strings - did he give you a plain sign of "his" intentions and you blew past it? If so - then basically you put yourself in harm's way here. You can't make him be somewhere he isn't just because you are really needy right now. But.......he might willingly take advantage of what he can get because you are in that frame of mind. You get into trouble when you try to switch things into a gear that he obviously never intended to go into.

I hear you wanting so much for him to be what you want, but the plain simple truth is - it's almost always suicide to go straight into a heavy duty relationship right out of you being in a bad 20 year marriage. It's just a golden rule and guys know this. They take advantage of all the attention, too, because it feels so good to them, inflates their ego, is nice for awhile. But, you need to be responsible for hearing what he said and ignoring it and for not playing it safe with your own heart and rebounding like this. It happens, we all do it - but just be upfront with yourself here and with him.

August 5, 2002
11:26 pm
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sosos
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I know it's good to wait for the official divorce, and then give even more time, but how much? When is the next person you meet not gonna be the rebound person? I've met several others, had some date opportunities, but nothing clicked like this. I guess I want to know how you can become so close with someone, even if it's just a friend, but say "ok, I shut any feeling". I don't even want strings or any full time relationship, this was just about spending some time together other than phone or email when we both get a little lonely. I guess I am needy cuz I'v felt so lonely long before I left. I try to fill my time with every other possible thing I can do, but really miss companionship and the comfort of being with a man. Thanks so much for responding to me!

August 5, 2002
11:42 pm
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Ladeska
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I understand that though....I really do. We have great need when it comes to that and if does feel real good when we get it. Just be smart, okay? Listen when he talks to you and don't try to project what you want onto him. Give yourself time to just "be". Men like mystery and they love the hunt. If you are in his lap so quickly, so easily - he might be turned off by that - so if you really, really like him - bite your hand off before you pick up that phone every ten minutes, okay? Be a little illusive, men like that. Even when he say come hither - hold back a bit. Train yourself to just go slower than you normally would.

August 5, 2002
11:52 pm
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sosos
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You are so right, thanks. Not picking up the phone is kinda easy at home, harder but still I fight it at work, but this damn email has me hooked. I send a quick hi and then I could kick myself. I'll try to keep your words in mind "even when he says come hither, hold back a bit". I like that!

August 6, 2002
12:31 am
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mossrose
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I dont understand

August 6, 2002
1:06 am
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Ladeska
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Just saying, Mossrose (like that name) that men like mystery and if she really thinks he's the one or someone she could really have a good relationship with - don't scare him off with neediness...take it slow, make him chase you, that's all. Less is more kind of thing.

August 6, 2002
3:10 am
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mossrose
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sure, a little tease, game playing and hard to get always titillates, but when its time..be real

August 6, 2002
12:51 pm
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Ladeska
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It's just that beautiful mystery thing about a woman, it's not really about playing games or deceiving, but having mystery....

August 6, 2002
2:00 pm
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mossrose
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ya thats true..didnt mean it to come out that way....

Myssssssstery.

Kind of like, he can either have porno all in his face twat or the sultry move of a hip under a silky sexy dress and a look of an eye with all the imagination in the world to discover what lies underneath.

Dont i have a way of putting things..

August 6, 2002
2:39 pm
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Ladeska
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You are a bad, bad girl, mossie....(smile) but yeah, that's pretty much what I meant and much more than that. It's not to seduce just for sexual reasons but to bring a man into that place of wanting to court you all the time because - you can never really be "possessed"... men have to hunt, it's in their nature, they are hunters and women need to learn how to be the elusive butterfly that may very well stay with them forever - but that they always have this quality about them that keeps the man intrigued about who she is and what she's thinking...

And I'm not talking about - the man always wondering IF she's going to be with another man. Not that kind of wondering or alluring.... But, on all fronts - be someone interesting...someone that is always growing and you might also find that the kind of man who really appreciates a woman like this - is on a smaller scale and that's okay.. As you grow and develop - you will more and more require a true prince of a man.

There is a thing that a "real man" does when he sees true beauty and that is - he holds her like a vase holds a flower. Not to possess - but to appreciate, to compliment, to treasure and honor, to simply "hold" and admire.

These men are rare, but the woman must be the diamond that attracts that kind of man and that means we need to develop ourselves on all levels.

To do this - just to get a man though - will give you hollow results in the end. Do it for you. Do it because it makes you glow on the inside and when you get in that kind of space - you'll pretty much forget about finding a man....but one will be attracted to you - all the same - "because" you arrived at that place... Does that make sense?

Women like this have a "presence" about them and it's that presence that attracts a man, a real man anyways. It's not the lipstick, it's not the clothes, hair, nails....it's what she gives off - that invisible vibe that turns heads... And it isn't arrogant or haughty or think she's all that kind of 'tude... It's a quiet, very graceful, fluid thing...the glide of the swan, full of confidence, full of grace and dignity and yet with a belly full of fire. We women can achieve this, but we soooo settle for the crap we see on billboards and in the movies, t.v., etc....it's soooo beneath us. We are the jewel on this planet and we need to rise to that position and claim it.

August 8, 2002
4:08 pm
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Jadedragon
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Now those are powerful thoughts!!
Glad you reminded me!!
Focus on yourslef and the rest will follow. Sounds easy, but the PRACTISE nearly kills me!!

August 8, 2002
10:56 pm
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sosos
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mossrose--i had to go back and reread this to keep myself focused and i can't believe what you said about the silk dress and look in the eye. that actually sorta happened months ago, but the hand slithered up the thigh highs under the skirt in the office, and just before he had the most incredible sexy look on his face that I can't stop thinking of. But that was before the sex. Part of me regrets going further, like the tease and fun has been removed, I've been exposed in my nakedness, and maybe it was a disappointment. But, then I say to myself, I've yet to see perfection with a man's body? Why is it that we go to those thoughts of ourself, do men?

August 8, 2002
10:56 pm
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sosos
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mossrose--i had to go back and reread this to keep myself focused and i can't believe what you said about the silk dress and look in the eye. that actually sorta happened months ago, but the hand slithered up the thigh highs under the skirt in the office, and just before he had the most incredible sexy look on his face that I can't stop thinking of. But that was before the sex. Part of me regrets going further, like the tease and fun has been removed, I've been exposed in my nakedness, and maybe it was a disappointment. But, then I say to myself, I've yet to see perfection with a man's body? Why is it that we go to those thoughts of ourself, do men?

August 9, 2002
12:25 am
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mossrose
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whoo sosos ..gotta get me some of that

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