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Im just realising my husband never loved me
August 4, 2002
9:21 pm
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mossrose
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I cant understand how he couldnt, i was so loving. so generous. i gave him so much WTF kind of man treats a woman like he has=?????????????????

He says im guilty of 50% WHAT???
I GAVE everything to him to our children, our dreams...sorry, its hitting me now. how little he cared. cares or will ever care.
He says its time for him, god, it was never my time!

ITS TIME FOR ME GOD DAMN IT!

August 4, 2002
9:40 pm
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tripleshy
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I'm sorry Mossrose for your pain. Isn't that what codependants do give till it hurts than give more? And isn't that what the vampires do take until they can't take anymore then move on to another codependant? Clarity isn't that what we pray for so that we can see the truth of what is going on?

August 4, 2002
9:42 pm
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Ladeska
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Unfortunately, alot of times we pick emotionally unavailable people to be aligned with romantically. Maybe we are trying to win an old war and to fix an old relationship. Maybe the little girl in us wants daddy to finally love us, to see us as human beings, as precious, as worthwhile in so many ways and we pick a husband or a boyfriend that we can play this scenario out with - never realizing "who" that man really was when we picked him.

And when it does hit you, like it is now it's just so repulsive and we blame them, we blame ourselves and we just scream out at the injustice of it all. But, the only thing that can be done is to get away from them and then to begin the slow steady climb into realization of how we ended up here and why we picked someone like this.

We often say - oh, they changed, but the bottomline so often is - they always were this way - we just didn't see it. And that's common because these people are so adept at being charming in order to get what they want and in order to have someone close to them that they can toy with day in and day out. They need that narcissistic supply that they can feed on and we provide it for them until - we really know what's up and then we are horrified in disbelief.

I'm so sorry this has hit you like a ton of bricks, but on the other hand - I am glad because please allow this to fuel you away from him and away from the daily torment.

The cry of the soul in pain is a languishing sound....I hear you.. I've had many times like that myself and it's not fun. I was married to a man that made my life on living hell and for six months I tried the passive approach and then the next six months I came out fighting like a she-wolf. He didn't like it, but that's what he got. I put the line in the sand and said - No more and don't cross it you son-of-a-bitch. He just about busted an artery and tried every way in the world to bust my boundaries and harrassed me to hell and back and I stood firm. He eventually tired of hitting a brick wall and went off to find another woman to torment.

But, I lost all my friends that we had when we were together because they vowed and declared he was a saint. I just stopped talking to anyone because I realized how good he was at what he did. And now eight years later they all hang their heads in shame everytime they see me or talk to me. One said recently - I am sooo sorry...you saw and none of us did and we treated you soo bad, I just feel horrible.

This isn't uncommon though because these people are good at what they do. They are great charmers and pride themselves in that. They are usually rather intelligent, cunning and know your weaknesses and study how to play you. Everytime you talk to them you give them more information. And they are boundary busters. They don't respect your rights. They are non-existent. It's all about them and that's that.

Some of the things that came out of that man's mouth just blew me away because they were so contrary to things he had said to me early on. I was stunned in disbelief. I got over it though because the proof was in the pudding. The dye was cast. I spent a good two years just getting over the vileness of this man. Just had a very hard time shaking what I came to know as - the real him. Just really shocked me. So, while you are in this state of mind, know that it will pass and you will heal, but just don't dance with him anymore. Realize that you see, exactly what you think you see and don't doubt yourself. Again, I keep harping on the book "People of the Lie" by Dr. Scott Peck - but can't recommend it enough. Read it. It's an eye-opener. Would love your comments when you do.

August 4, 2002
9:55 pm
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tarusgal52
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I came to the same realization tonite. He has hurt me for the last time. I'm so mad I could spit nails. I can't believe all the things I have done trying to please him and be the woman he wanted, putting my own needs and wants aside. Really did think it was my fault that our marriage was in trouble. He even convinced me that it was my fault he cheated. I now know he never loved me the way a man should. He knew about my abusive child hood, yet he continued to do things to hurt me. Said I was being paranoid, and I should grow up, that things in my past were not his fault and he shoulsn't have to suffer for it. He is so good at playing the martyr role, I can't believe I didn't see it before. God what an eye opener tonite has been. I pour my soul out to him thinking maybe he will for once understand and try to be compassionate and want to help me work thru it.. Oh no, he got all defensive and slung hurtful words at me. Well he has hurt me for the last time. I'm good and mad now. Mostly at myself cause I really thought he might try to understand. Well now I know. Now it's time to lok out for number one.

August 4, 2002
10:05 pm
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Ladeska
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Good. And you "stay" in that frame of mind and don't let him talk you back into something with him. It's one thing to say hurtful things when you are mad, but it's another to say what he said. And if there history behind this of this kind of behavior - f'get about him. And don't waste anytime laying tracks either. I wouldn't even give him the time of day, like - "do I know you?"

August 4, 2002
10:12 pm
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Ladeska
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Those eye openers smart, too, don't they? I know.....had a few of those. You just stand there and go WHAT????? Excuse me????? But, what I always say is what's counterfeit - can't stay all glittery forever..the sparkles start falling off if you just watch long enough. And then what's left behind the facade is quite nasty.

What is true - doesn't come on strong. People who have integrity and are honorable - are who they are - all the time. They don't try and charm you, they don't overdose you in what appeals to your senses. They take their time and get to know you, they don't rush into anything. Charmers alway rush and play endless mindgames and bully and confuse and deflect and deny and scapegoat...

August 4, 2002
10:39 pm
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tarusgal52
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Mossrose, are you still married to him? How long?. Mine was 37 yrs in July. I was raised catholic, and my Mom always said good little catholic girls were virgins when they got married, and had to perform their wifely duties no matter what. And we don't get divorced. So to make sure we were virgins, she practically made all 3 of us girls marry the first boy we dated. My sister's marriage lasted 20 yrs, my other sister is going on 22, and mine made it to 37. I gave my all to him, the best I could, but it was never good enough. Now that I ask for something for me, he spits on me. I'm just blown away by my own stupidity.

August 4, 2002
11:37 pm
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Ladeska
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You didn't get here by yourself taurusgal52. You had help. You were a good student in a "certain" classroom. Obviously you were raised in such a way that - you were set up for failure and put into a scenario where the woman, the wife - has no rights, no personhood, no life. You mirrored who you were by looking at the closest example of a female you had - your mother and tried to live up to her expectations. They were flawed from beginning to end. Consider yourself lucky that you now wake up and realize - you're worth more than this. Alot of women in your same boat - never do wake up. They just settle and die a little every day.

August 4, 2002
11:45 pm
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Victimlife
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God, ten years here. Ya, ive finally wrestled my bruised body out of the remaining narcisscistic vines he had wrapped around me.
I think im in shock. ITs like this haze that i saw him through was coming down slowly but this weekend it jsut dropped right down to the ground and disappeared completely so that i could see everything so clearly and the stinging pain..oh the pain!

And i see the huge connection between my life with him and how i saw my mother.

This weekend i screamed in tears in front of my own home that had caught a few months back ( the lower part of the house ) and he called it a "shit hole" and laughed at me for living in it. He said i wont do any work on this house for you, how would you like it if you came to visit me and my house( he lives with his parents but calls it his house ) and i told you to get your ass in the kitchen and start cleaning and cooking.
I have no obligation to you other than alimony and child support ( hes barely paying it and threatening to cut it off every week )and you better get to earning some money soon cause im gonna be taking off for six months to travel soon. He showed up, entered my home when i was away this weekend cause i was not there for his access visit ( he was two hrs late ) and when i got back i said get the fuck out of my house. He said, its our house, i have the key. I said the police told you to give me all keys ( he must of had one cut ) He started yelling in front of our neighbors and told me ( yet again ) he was gonna go for custody ( this is my worst fear and he knows it ) I brought into it and got hysterical and cried and said "why dont you just leave me be, you dont love me, you never did..you dont care if i live or die..i have to struggle, alone every day with my children, not knowing where our next money is coming from and with no support etc. I lost my business cause of your drinking and refusal to work and support us, i lost my credit ( first tim ever ) what more doy ou want from me??????????????

I gave him all this power cause i thought he loved me and was just depressed and we could work it out and he woudl change etc etc.
He hadnt hit me for two years but he was slowly hitting my self esteem, little by little every day and when i would get angry at his laziness and self centred ness or his laying on the couch and sleeping there for months ( no sex ) He would say, whats your problem? YOur a basket case, your a psycho..get some meds!
My mother used to say the same thing.

I would calm down and work harder to make mor emoney while my health was failing ( breastfeeding and caring for my children and doing ALL the house work )

What the fuck was i thinking???????????????????????????????????????????????????

The months that hes been gone has been such a big eye opener, that the smallest indication of BS from him, i react and feel physically ill and get VERY angry. I put my foot down firm with him and he doesnt like it at all.

IM PROUD OF HOW FAR IVE COME!

IM PROUD THAT MY CHILDREN WILL NEVER SEE A MALE ROLE MODEL LIKE THAT IN THEIR LIVES AGAIN, EVEN IF I HAVE TO BE ALONE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

IM PROUD THAT THE LAST THIGN I SAID TO HIM IN REBUTTAL TO HIM SAYING "ILL TAKE YOU TO COURT!" WAS "FINE, ILL STAND TALL AND SMILE, I WONT RUN..YOU WILL BE THE ONE WHO WILL END UP LOSING, ONCE AND FOR ALL"

I ALSO TOLD HIM NEVER TO CALL ME AGAIN OR CONTACT ME IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM UNLESS IT IS FOR ACCESS ONLY, AND THEN HE WILL NOT HAVE ACCESS TO ME OR MY HOME. HE WILL HAVE TO HAVE ACCESS AWAY FROM MY HOME.

LOL i feel like saying "so it shall be written, so it shall be done"

August 5, 2002
12:20 am
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tarusgal52
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yea, that's the way I feel. I feel like I've been dying a little each day. I've been so angry and hurt for so long, I forgot what it was like to be happy. Actually, my sister raised me.Since my Dad was a mental patient, in and out of mental hospitals most of my chilhood, my Mom had to work to support us 8 kids. I was the second youngest, my sister the oldest. It hurt me more when she died year and half ago then it did when my mother died just 5 months ago. I was never close to my Mom. I resented her for not protecting me from the abusers, even though I don't think she knew, and then when she did find out, she denied that my father could do such a thing.
Victim, stay strong. I admire you willpower and hope I have it in me to stay strong.

August 5, 2002
12:09 pm
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Ladeska
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Please go to the new thread I just put here, my sweets....

August 5, 2002
12:18 pm
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Spud
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Mossrose,

I just wanted to say that I hope you find all the strength you need from this group. I know we haven't had alot of interaction with each other at this point but you have been a major source of inspiration and hope for me so far. And I only found this group two weeks ago! I hope you will get the same from us as you are dealing with your husband.

August 9, 2002
12:29 am
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mossrose
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I hope so too, cause i really need it right now.
I have twenty dollars and the ass told me hes not giving us a cent and he wont sign any divorce papers and he might just disappear and he will do everything to make my life agony.

August 10, 2002
12:57 am
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mossrose
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Blondie, he treats his wife good???
ya i thought so ..but why not you?

I hate the thought of mine going on and treating some woman good after all i put into trying to get him to treat me good..heh..shes gonna benefit from all my suffering, stupid thought huh

God, its awful but i really think i love the guy and i really dont think he ever wanted to be married with children. He actually seems happy to be less and less responsible and is glad he has to pay me less and he gets more to do all the things he never did and "find himself"

What about me, i want fun and find myself too. I have ALL the responsiblity he didnt want

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