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I obsess with EVERYBODY - WHY?
August 30, 2002
9:49 am
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wantinghappiness
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I am constantly stressing over everything and everybody. For instance if an issue comes up with my stepson/his mother, I obessivley stress over it. Just recently I was asked to a bachlorette party - well none organized it, so I did and I am MAD and STRESSED that I am doing it and its just taken over me. When a girlfriend of mine says something that I think is wrong or I don't like - I obsess over it. Things that most people would not think twice about - actually take over my thoughts and sometimes gets me soooo upset that I come to tears. I don't understand why I do this. Everything is my problem - I just make it that way. I constantly have to talk about someone almost in a way to prove that they are not as good as me - does that make sense? I hate to have to share people. Like when my husband and I get together with friends and they end up inviting another couple - I get mad. I don't understand it and I just can't take it sometimes - and the people around me have to deal with me , especially my husband. Its like I am just so negative. I don't know how to do or go anywhere with out worring about something or someone. It sucks!!!!! Is this codependent behavoir?????

August 30, 2002
10:33 am
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syqg
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Sounds like you don't value yourself or other people too much. You sound stuck in "puberty" where someone else has the rules and yet you try to abide and enjoy, but resent being told what to do. Sounds like you may be avoiding important "grown up" decisions about your life..maybe putting off somethings you need to do. I'm getting a sense that you don't feel like you fit in anywhere with anyone.......that they are all together and your on the outside in some way. I also sense that you don't have a sense of really who you are and what you enjoy doing.....kind of pissed at the rest of the world for being unable to help you get there. (things I've felt before) When the other couple invites someone maybe to you it's saying these things......."we are the boss here" "she is not important enough to ask" "we don't want to be with just her because she is not enough".......hmmmmm gonna have to figure those out because those are feelings I've had in the past. Now when you find "yourself" you will view life and people differently, you will see who you are, what you enjoy doing and what you don't want to do. When you become an adult on the inside as well as of legal age you will no when to say no, maybe, yes, I'll think about it, etc.. It's setting boundaries with people while in the process of knowing you are a part of the people too. You have to feel you are of importance and deserving of respect before others ever will. Like a start would be this...........okay these people want to be with me and my husband tonite and they maybe feel that we all have a good time together so they want to pass it on to another couple, not another couple to use to get away from you or think that they are better than you. Then you use the situation to your advantage....new couple to meet, new things to talk about, like for instance YOUR important views and likes and things going on in YOUR life. Use somethings you don't like happening to you to your advantage. The friend saying things......well, if you develop you more, things people say will roll over you and go in one hear and out the other. (something I need to work on here myself) Seems like your using other people to define who you are and how your life will go day to day. You need to take charge each day and learn something new about you in the process. It all starts with you. I wish you the very best on this, because it is hard and it doesn't happen overnite. One more thing, the party......should've backed out the minute you knew you were not enjoying it and couldn't do it. Now I know it is important to stick to our word to people.......just need to think first and know you have a right to say no and at times a right to decide to back out of some things if it's reasonable of course. Don't you see people doing this around you? Don't they say what they think? Don't they just probably give you advice without you even asking? Stop it. Be you. Be strong. Start speaking your mind and valuing yourself more.........until you do, noone else will.

August 30, 2002
12:16 pm
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wantinghappiness
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syqg,

Thanks for your comments! I agree with some of what you said - but I am confused with others. I think I might not have said what I thought I was saying or what I really wanted to say.

I value other people a great deal. And I thikn I value myself - I just put everone else first and worry about them before me. I do have many different sets of friends whom I am VERY close with and do not feel left out or alone. See that is what is weird....... And when we do have plans and another couple is invited - its usually a couple whom I know and whom I actually hang out with - its just confusing on why I get upset. Is it jealousy??????

This party - I can't wait to go - it will be a blast. I didn't want to back out - I just had to take control so that everything would run smooth since nobody else was. I wasn't asked to - I just did it. Now I am just stressing that everything won't turn out right - that someone else will back out - that they won't like where we go etc. I am mad that I organized it and have to worry about it. But on the other hand - I would worry about it and everybody else regardless. My husband and friends call me mother hen.

I do set boundaries - I do not let people walk all over me - like I used to. I have ended friendships because of this - that I just would give and give and give and get nothing in return. I do demand respect - in my executive level job, in my marraige, with my 10 year old and with my friends. Yet I take so much upon myself for reasons I don't understand. I don't understand why things get me upset and get me stressed.

I feel as though I am very independent - but you are right, I do often let people define how my day will go. And decisions - forget it- I can't make them when they come to myself. So I am immature in that respect - I need to take control of my life. Other decisions - I make, no problem. But then again - I don't like being told what to do unless I ask. And a bone of contention with my husband is that eh thinks I constantly try to be the boss and make everyones decisions.

I picked up the book Codependent No More last night. I think I need to get cracking!

Thanks for your ears! I appreciate it. 🙂

August 30, 2002
1:09 pm
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tracylyn
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wantinghappiness-

Seems we just keep answering each other. I was very much like you when I was married. My life revolved around everyone else. I worried about everyone else's problems as a way to avoid my own. I planned and organized everything. I was the perfect wife, mother, sister, & friend because I was there for everyone else but myself. I can only speak from my experience in giving you advise. I had to learn that I was lovable, I was worth having around, I was acceptable just because of who I was, not because I did all these things for people. Once I figured out that the people around me would be happy if I was happy (my kids), I became a stronger person, a happier person within. I'm still struggling, I started my journey long ago and stopped but I'm back again to really do it this time. You seem to be beating yourself up. Don't, and don't allow anyone else to use this agaist you. Not the therapist, not your husband. You've discovered these things about yourself and you are ready to heal. Give yourself a hug for that and keep your chin up. You are worthy.

Be Well

August 30, 2002
2:11 pm
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wantinghappiness
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tracylyn,

Thanks - I needed to hear that. I am going to try to work on me. Its about time...........

Good luck to you on your journey. I am here to listen! 🙂

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