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I feel like I always end up in this same fork in the road...
January 17, 2003
9:50 am
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Hi,
Repeating the same behaviors, get the same solutions!

Last night, Hubby was upset that pay day is today and all the money went to bills. I was happy that all the bills were paid.

He sat around and sulked.
Then guess what...Murphy's Law...the frig decides to quit....unsuccessful repair...(what do you expect of a 70's frig)
Then hubby decides to vacuum up the mess from the frig and all the dust....and my vacuum motor burns up!
The shit hit the fan.....He can't take it anymore and wishes he were dead.

I did something different. I said, I love being alive! All this is simple stuff.....challenges/problems to be solved. I choose to be happy.

I told him I was thankful to be a live!

I am!
I didn't leave.....I smoked...but didn't leave! Different solution to the came old problem.

I wanted to leave, but instead I told him that I feel lots of resentment from him. I am doing the best I can and I have applied for jobs that I know I can do. I don't know what else he expects. The pressure from him is uncomfortable. I love him but feel that he is punishing me for not working. I did not break my ankle on purpose and I know it has been a hardship but I am alive!
I woke up to him moving the stuff to the garage from the frig. He wants me to go price new frigs. I told him that I would like to look in classifieds for used given our present finances. No...I don't want an old frig. Today is mood was foul. Withholding affection too.
He learned that from me!

So to day I have two choices, shop for a frig to charge or move out and cut my loses. or?

I had a new frig at my home I sold. I had a new home. Why did I choose to be loved instead?

Lessons learned again!

How are you?

January 17, 2003
10:36 am
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mj~ You sound like you are dealing with a lot right now. It is hard to remain calm and reasonable when your spouse is losing his cool. You handled him wonderfully though! He is probably mad at himself for how he is reacting to all of this. It is just easier for him to blame you for his unhappiness. Don't let his negative outlook on life ruin your day. Only you can decide what is best for you in this circumstance. I wish I could tell you the magic answer to all of this. You are in a very tough situation. Please know that I do care even if I can't help you with the answers that you need.

January 17, 2003
11:55 am
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Hi hi! I'm back! Busy morning at work so far.

Wow! My husband is just like that!! He completely falls apart when little everyday things go wrong, you would think the entire world is in on a conspiracy to wrong him personally! Then after he has his little venting display he turns to me to fix whatever it is. I really resent that. Like, I have the same problem to deal with as you but first I have to calm you down, then I get to think of a solution on my own so you aren't further stressed. I hear you loud and clear, girl! 🙂 Basically I haven't learned how to deal with that. It never seems appropriate at the time, since not a lot of constructive communication is going to happen while his temper is foul. But later on, who wants to bring up the whole nasty mess again? I really love your comeback, that was exceptional. Especially as you came up with it while dealing with your old pattern of wanting to run. I do understand that too. I will physically leave the house and drive around and smoke for hours rather that sit and listen to my hubby be pissy, or have the silent treatment and slamming doors,etc. The only difference is, I am too scared to not go home at the end.

I'm sorry for going on about me. I just wanted to say, hear ya. Been there done that. You know what? Screw it, go get a nice, affordable new fridge. Then if he complains about finances later, do a Vanna White wave down the front of the fridge door and say, "but honey...you wanted the new fridge". haha

Okay, not constructive. But it would be funny wouldn't it?

Don't let him bring you down. Incidentally I loved the closing sentence in a few posts back, about charging your batteries out in the sun. I would go for a (slow) walk with ya! It is hard to be down when you go out and walk, isn't it? Something about the solitude and the aloneness with your thoughts, especially when it's sunny and you can hear the birds, and dogs barking far away. Reminds me that there's a whole 'nother world out there, and if I wanted I could move four states away and nobody would know me and I could start all over with impunity. Now, I probably never will but hey, it's refreshing to know it's possible. Sometimes I think of all the people out there who have so much to share, and all the good friends I have yet to meet. Kind of like the ones I'm meeting here. Lots of people seem nice here, but you take the time to reach out to nearly everyone. That's great. Go look in your bathroom mirror, and say, "I help. I care. I am important and people are better because of me. Fridges come and fridges go, but mj rocks!" Ok, really -- I dare ya -- say that and you won't be able to be down in the dumps. Too bad hubby can't take himself a little less seriously, it would do wonders for his blood pressure! 🙂

Hang in there my friend. And don't feel bad, MY hubby would say "don't get a new one, we can't afford it!" Call a girlfriend, go out for lunch, then go hit Sear's. Don't drop your teeth, be prepared, some of those puppies go for more than a used car! 🙂

Feeling like my old self, the clown, today. Cowboy should be back in the state by now. All's well.

Also helped teach a community outreach CPR class last night. Fun. Am feeling more independent already, in something I like, where I am appreciated and accepted for nothing related to my looks but for what I do, and I do it well.

(((big grin)))

January 17, 2003
1:57 pm
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Hi too scared and Six Foot,
Thanks for the support.....
I think I will go out and find me a fridge....big enough for the Jeffrey Daumer trip....Not funny but trying:)

The sun is beautiful again today!
How come I get to be so lucky.
Off to explore the big wonderful world 🙂

Have a great weekend!

Look forward to catching up with you on Monday SFB. I am so glad that you are sharing your expertise with others...Isn't life grand! I am sick of the energy sucking going on at my house....I think I will have some lemonade!
Best to you!

January 17, 2003
1:59 pm
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Oh I forgot

IIIIIII Rock! 😉

January 17, 2003
2:06 pm
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You Rock too! I really laughed at your teeth falling out ....joke.
You are definitely uplifting!
I am smiling already....I Rock!

January 17, 2003
2:58 pm
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Check out the coffeehouse thread on the general board.

Kind of neat, mental escape.

Mental escapes are acceptable, you just have to come back out right?

Haha!

January 17, 2003
3:05 pm
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Okay so I fell asleep reading my book over there and didn't see the group of ladies hovering around the bright-eyed, wise lady doling out lemonade.

You got me.

Happy trails back at you sister!

January 20, 2003
9:51 am
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Happy Monday and Martin Luther King Day!

So how did your weekend go?

I heard that song....Picture? Wow...interesting summation of an unhealthy relationship. Sounds like some of mine!!!

Hubby bought the fridge and a Vacuum!!
Charged it of course. I feel like I have almost joined the modern world again.

I had to take down my antique Castle photogravre in the kitchen because it looked out of place next to a new bright shiny white refrigerator.

January 20, 2003
10:16 am
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Yesterday was a tad stressful.
Saturday evening ended with my hubby telling me that I go too much during the week and he wants me to do more.
Then Sunday morning I decide....that I need to talk. I told him that I need to know what he is expecting of me. I am doing the best I can. (Shopping for fridges for 5 hours nearly killed my ankle...) I had to elevate it and take extra Aleve. The doctor has me taking 2 in am and 2 in pm. It swells if I am on it too long besides the pain.
He basically said that he felt like he is doing it all. He basically is. I do the laundry, wash dishes by hand (I have always had a dishwasher til I got married to him) feed his cats twice a day unless I am pissy, wash all the cat tracks off my nice rig, and pay the bills and clean the bathroom....vacuum on a good day and mop....
So basically, he is right.
Ok....so can you live with that?

I can't help it if my ankle hurts most of the time and that our fights leave me emotionally drained.
I can't continue like this.
Then he brings up that he can't even call his mom only from work or go see her because of me.
I told him that I was sorry that I had a grievance with his mom. I have never told him he can't call or visit her....He says that I freak out.
Okay..I am sorry for that....I do have a problem with her, but that doesn't mean I want you to stop your relationship with her. Then he starts blaming me for calling her Thanksgiving Eve and starting this whole mess....

I told him that no matter how he perceives the problem, I have bad feeling from it. I told him he could blame me all he wanted....but I still don't want to have anything to do with her personally.
He then tells me we can't have a marriage like that doesn't include his mom. I agreed.
So basically, I started packing my stuff (Mentally) to move permanently to my bros.
My bro sends me an email that his son is coming for a visit on Friday....so I decided to put the move on hold until after his visit.

I told him also, that I enjoy being on the computer and I am tired of him saying stuff like "Talking to your boyfriend again" He asks....Do you have a boyfriend? No, that is why I am beginning to resent you not allowing me on the computer. Trying to control my time.

So....he now thinks everything is okay again....It sucks. I doubt it will ever change. I mentally pictured forgiving his mom for my sake again until I received three religious emails today....so I am a rebel. No Way.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to get it out.

January 20, 2003
10:29 am
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Just in case you are wondering why I feel resentful to his mom....
After my husband left my brothers on foot almost 20 mins. from our home, I was worried cause he had been drinking. I didn't want anything to happen to him. My first husband is in a rest home because of being hit by a car.
I figured he would call someone for a ride. I called his daughter. Then a few hours later his mom. I called to ask if she had heard from him. Silly me. Won't do that again.

She tells me I must have hurt him badly or he wouldn't have left. I know now where he learned his blaming trait. She wants me to confide in her. She starts judgements on myself and brother. She was talking out of her butt. I was ruining her Thanksgiving. I was a child hater. I basically told her that bad manners were unacceptable in my home growing up & Obviously I didn't fit in in her family because of my manners. Still makes me angry thinking about it.
The religious bull crap is what turns me off to organized religion today...the holier than though hypocritcal BS.
Sorry dear for venting....

January 20, 2003
10:31 am
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Hey, anytime. Sounds like you had a sucky weekend!

You say you don't do much -- sounds to me like you do most of the housework! So I don't see an issue there.

As for his mom -- is he kind of a momma's boy? I totally think the whole thing about him walking on Thanksgiving is kind of funny. Like, a little boy stomping his foot! I agree with what his daughter said. I know if I did that, my mom would be like, come on, aren't you overreacting? Go back home. His mom sounds like the kind who had this angel child that will never be wrong, things will always be the fault of others. The preaching thing would get to me too. Especially since the two of them almost gang up on you, if not physically then definitely mentally, right? Of course that will put you on the defensive. I know I hold grudges forever, so I totally understand where you're coming from. Makes me wonder which relationship your hubby values more, yours or his mothers?

Not to feed your instinctive pattern, but should you decide to leave I guess I can't say as I blame you. Granted I don't know your husband at all but from what I hear...sounds like this man is very controlling in a passive agressive manner. Things are your fault, etc. The smoking, his mom, the housework (ok I totally don't see that one at all, from what you said)...maybe if you want to share a little more background on what he's like?

You have my full support, you know that! I hope whatever you decide will work for you, and I know with your strength you will be ok. From what I've learned, one thing you're not, and that's a quitter. You retreat and regroup but don't let anyone tell you that's wrong. It's how you handle things and if it works for you, great. Too many people remain in the situation and it escalates.

Let me know how you're doing. I am here all day, I check in and out pretty steady.

(((HUGS)))

January 20, 2003
10:49 am
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Thanks....so glad your back!
How was your weekend? Did you talk to bullrider?

January 20, 2003
11:50 am
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Ok. Glad you asked. I need some perspective, especially from your viewpoint!

First off, weekend sucked. Had flu, the throw-up kind, not the cold kind. Yuk. Am dedicated however, went on squad call even though sick. Managed to hold everything in too! 🙂 (Extra points?)

Ok. Bullrider. Hmm hmm. I think the last we visited about him was after he had called me at work last Wed, homesick right?

Ok. I called Fri night, didn't catch him at home. He called me at work Saturday morning --talked at some length. My friend who I said has known him forever, was supposed to come home Sat night and we were going to have a girls night out and "run into" bullrider. Big ol dance in a town close by. So he called Sat morning and was literally saying please come see me this afternoon I miss you and I really want to see you. And so on. He is becoming almost mushy, I kind of like it. He was always this very nice but confident, independent guy who was always pleased to see you and spend time with you, but the kind who makes you really believe they don't need anyone. They may choose to spend time with you, but they don't NEED to. You know? Well, he's becoming different. He was talking about "us" -- that's never been said. He was talking about how it was different to be away this time, etc. I flat out asked him how often he does this -- hook up, ride off into the sunset-- he responded without hesitation "I don't. I don't have time for this. I have a goal and I concentrate on it." (Thomas and Mack Center, Vegas, Finals...) But then he said, "This is different. I find myself going out of my way to try to be with you. The thing I have lived for is losing it's charm. Not totally but already it was different." So. Am once again lost in indecision land!

Back to story. Told him I couldn't come down during the day, had things to do plus not good to disappear for afternoon, then also all night. We still don't know who the mysterious informant is either and I am not stupid. Not cool to be continuing on visits when we don't know if someone is watching or what. Promised I would come to town if my friend did indeed come home. Don't trust anyone else to see the two of us together, even talking, so no sense to go to town with other friends. Talked way too long but it was nice. Went home had nap woke up sick, sick, sick! My friend called and said she wasn't coming home, long story but I don't blame her. She had a very shitty day at work. Plus she lives over an hour and a half away, so long drive! It worked ok since I was sick anyway. Then felt bad, told her I was going to say I was meeting her in town since I really promised I would go see bullrider. She called him for me (I need new calling card) and said don't go out, she wasn't coming home so I would just try to stop over at his house. Ok. Got sicker. Pager went off, went on call, had to stop at my other best friend's house to use facilities, afraid I wouldn't get home in time! (remember, we're in a rural area. You can't just pull into a gas station. More like, pull into a field! hey, quit laughing, it's really cold here! 🙂 )

Called bullrider from friend's house -- her hubby and my hubby out hunting -- told bullrider I wasn't coming to town since I was sick. He didn't believe me I don't think. I said I would come to town Sun. Was still sick yesterday, went nowhere, still no calling card so couldn't call.

Here's the dilemma. Feel really bad. Told my hubby am going to see mother tonight after work. (Same town as bullrider) So -- do I? It would be easy to get out of, he doesn't know I'm planning on coming tonight. But I would really like to see him.

Things keep getting more tangled. (I know the quote "oh what a tangled web we weave") Every time we visit it is becoming like we are this couple, not just 2 friends who have grown close and are conflicted about it. On one hand, I sometimes think I could really be with him. But I have a real personal issue with being second to anything, especially to rodeo! How can that work? I know he says that is changing,but I also know him well enough that even if his mindset is changing, he will not quit rodeo. And I don't want to be the reason he does, but I do. I don't want him to do it for me. In a perfect world he would decide he didn't want to leave, he would want to stay home because that was his honest choice, what would make him happiest. But rodeo is his life. Then he says, why would I quit doing what I love when I don't know if you're ever even going to leave? He has a point. I just feel like I need to snuggle into those arms, my God I've been so good I haven't seen him since Dec 30! On purpose. I have beenin town a few times and drove by to see him home, but kept going. I don't know what to do about this change in him. Whats funny is, he doesn't either. You can tell. Flattering yes, but just makes things more difficult. Just a week ago today I thought I'd ended it. Now look!

On the other hand .. am excited about choice to go to school, stay with hubby and try to work on marriage. Obivously this visiting will not be beneficial.

What to do , what to do.

What should I do?

I have no clue. I hugged my hubby yesterday and this warm feeling came over me and before I knew it I said into his shoulder, "My buddy." He looked at me strangely but then smiled. That's how I feel, my buddy I share a life with and would be lost without. I don't want to hurt him. He is a total sweetheart and great to me. But I don't know what to do with this great new feeling I am sharing with cowboy. I just keep reminding myself, odds are good when the new feeling ran out, I would be left home by someone who values bulls and buckles and the open road more than me. And my life now is pretty darn good.

Are we (women) to believe the best possible outcome we can hope for is exactly what I have?

January 20, 2003
12:38 pm
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Sorry to hear of your illness...You feeling better today?

Wow...how you are torn....
I have felt that...don't like it.
Sounds like you are weighing both choices realistically. Your reasoning is good. So the informant wasn't the lady you emailed and asked?

My grandma use to say that saying alot. I could hear her saying it. She was really religious and annoying at times. Deceit..... unfortunately that is creating lots of guilt for you.

Maybe the guilt is healthy in a way. Keeps you from hurting your hubby.
That's why it is easier to end relationships before starting new ones but life for you now is in the thick of it. Hugs.

January 20, 2003
12:43 pm
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I wrote that then pushed start over for the first time and it still came up.....

I was thinking.....if you are so darn happy with hubby, do you think you would have been enticed?

Still enticed.....but being concerned that hubby will find out....
I just had a funny thought....Wouldn't polyandry be nice?
That is polgamy but for women!

January 20, 2003
12:52 pm
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Wanting so much love, devotion and attention.....I use to think that I would be able to obtain bliss if I could have lots of men doling out all their attentions at once! I felt that would be the only way I could be happy....When one pissed me off, the other was there....

I was a sick puppy!

I don't know why but now I don't care if I ever have another relationship after this one. Weird huh?

I use to be so bad about having men lined up just in case....Now, I don't want any of them. Too much trouble.

I just want to be happy. Live life and enjoy.

January 20, 2003
12:56 pm
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YES!! I for one would have no problem with that.

It's like this mj. You know how great it is to lounge around the house in your jammies? Nice and comfy and loved. Then think back to a time you got dolled up to go out, all beautified and looking like a million dollars and you knew it. Those clothes made you feel great...that's kind of what this is like.

I think there must be something wrong with me. Other women don't act like this. I'm sure most women would have never let things get this far.

I have this one girlfriend who told me after my other affair, "It's like something is missing inside of you and you are trying to fill it." That really stayed with me. It made me feel like a loser. I don't agree. I don't go looking for this. I can't explain it. I wish to God I could sit down with my husband and explain it to him. But with his background of rejection, he picks up and runs, after lashing out. There would be no talking. It's either, shut up and stay, or open my mouth and be alone.

I don't know what to do. I wish I had never met this cowboy, but I have and how do you know when it's right? What if I'm being naive and he's some sleazebag that routinely hits on married ladies and has a girl in every town?

I don't think so, but that's the very definition of naive, isn't it?

Come on, give me your opinion. I need feedback here.

January 20, 2003
1:01 pm
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Do you think that's what I'm doing? Keeping men lined up?

The bitch of it is, I really care about both of them. I don't know when it happened but along the way I started to really care about this bullrider.

I really don't think I can leave. If I don't, I will always wonder.

I need to really end it with cowboy. I can't imagine being without him but I will not be able to make any progress otherwise.

I read a thread on the general board and it was about this lady and her boyfriend and one poster said she had 3 choices. One, end it. Two, give up everything and live for him and never complain or three, continue on and be torn and get old in the process. I have been thinking this whole time (3 months) that an answer would jump up. Not happening.

I think this needs to be treated as an addiction. That's what it is really. I need to stay away from him or I'll never stop. I just keep thinking .. one more visit. It's been so long. But I know what will happen and come this time tomorrow I will be more attached and missing him and worse off again.

January 20, 2003
1:06 pm
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You asked me earlier to tell you about hubby.
I am his third marriage. His first ended after her infidelity. His second lasted for 20 years and bore his daughter. He says he stayed the last ten years unhappy for his daughter....Wanted to be a part of her life and raising her. His wife had 4 other children whom my hubby has remained close with 2 of them. He had been divorced for 3 years when we met.
His stepdaughter told me last week that Grandma has always been involved too much in all his marriages.

My hubby is 9 years older than I. Has lived all his life in this town.
His father died when he was 20 something. He was alot older than his mom. He was sickly most of my hubbies childhood. His mom has MS and lives alone, heats her home with wood which the adult kids provide for her. She complains alot and is quite negative to be around.
My hubby has worked at the same place for 33 years. Lived in the same house for 28 years. I am the third wife to live in this dump. Scarey thought.....
He served in the Viet Nam war. Saw lots of death has scrap metal scars in his arm to prove the close calls.
He never went to his dad's grave until two years ago when I went with him...along with his mom.
His mom still lives in the same home as his childhood. Just minutes from us. His sister and brother live 3 hours away.

Why is this making me feel nauseous?

January 20, 2003
1:13 pm
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Hey sorry, I was dabbling in my own misery!
Let me be thoughtful of you for a minute.
No, I don't think that you don't care about both of them.
I think You do.

Would cowboy treat you differently if you hadn't been so unobtainable and beautiful? Don't know.

Yes, I think that love is like a drug.
and Addiction. For some of us.
Why? I don't know.

January 20, 2003
1:21 pm
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Hello,
I am having trouble staying on track!
First of all, Do you love yourself?

January 20, 2003
1:27 pm
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Can you look in the mirror and say, Hey, I love you.
Whether you have just woke up and haven't groomed!
Can you say, Hey I like me, I Rock!
If you can...then you accept yourself just the way you are. No makeup, no facade, just You.
I can do that now. I quit wearing makeup after my accident cause I was always crying and my mascara would run. Now, I have gotten use to not wearing it and I don't really feel any different with or without it. Yes, I agree that makeup accentuates the positive but it doesn't make me feel beautiful. I am beautiful from the inside out. Cool huh!

January 20, 2003
1:32 pm
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Must be lunch time.....to be continued 🙂 Happy Lunch!

January 20, 2003
1:47 pm
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You make me laugh! I am literally sitting here with this huge grin on my face, you just tickled me. I am still snickering. Just the "i can't keep up comment" is funny. I get that a lot. I am very active, fast talking, full of ideas and constantly jumping from one thing to the next. Guess you just got a glimpse of my real life personality. Too funny. You sounded just a little bewildered. Tickled me.

Yes, I love me. I think I'm pretty, funny and caring and helpful and probably a sex addict and obviously a commitment phobe. A thought -- scared to become too attached since look where that got me with Dad and my brother? Attachment = abandonment. Maybe that's subconciously why cowboy is so attractive to me , the abandonment scenario would play out over and over. ??

Interesting you should mention the appearance thing. I am really funny about that. I judge people initially on their appearances. Not proud of that. Just a habit. I am Shallow Hal (Have you seen that?) I won't be mean or rude to anyone but I do form an initial impression based on cleanliness, etc. I am very particular about my appearance and always need to have my hair, clothes, etc groomed to perfection. I am even teased by friends about my obsession with eyebrows. I have mine done professionally and am anal about it. Harmless, but I take pride in what I look like. I believe makeup needs to enhance nature, I can't stand the 80's makeup look. But would never go anywhere but to the pool in summer without makeup. I tan periodically year round to stay just a nice light tan. Do you mean this has something to do with this situation? I really don't feel like my friends judge me on that, actually I have always felt my clown attitude was my main factor to easily fitting in. I can make anyone feel at ease and I genuinely care about others.

Still chuckling. I wish we could go out for lunch. Too bad we're too far away.

Not to sound like a stalker, Just, I get a kick out of you and I think of you like an older me. Hope I've learned as much as you by then.

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