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I feel like I always end up in this same fork in the road...
January 10, 2003
2:46 pm
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You are too funny. Your cats need food so you go to your brothers. 🙂

He yells at you?!?! Ok, not cool. My hubby may get angry with me but I would never stand for anyone to yell at me. Yell back. No, ok, that's not mature but....yeah. never mind. I'm trying to work on my attitude. It would be a cold day in hell before my hubby would yell at me in front of anyone else. We've always tried to keep our disagreements private as much as possible. Just to show respect for one another.

January 11, 2003
12:25 pm
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Yelling is definitely a violation of ones boundaries. I usually tell him to not yell at me if he wishes to continue the discussion. I didn't that evening because of his daughter's presence. I guess I was in disbelief that he would....
I tend to hold it all in. Haven't had the talk with him about waking me up either.

I hate fighting so I avoid it. I know I need to discuss issues so I don't want to leave all the time. I just hate to start anything.

January 11, 2003
6:50 pm
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Today has been a great day. I have been able to research on internet all day without hardly any interruptions.
Hubby and friend were out digging up the driveway.

I didn't get cat food at my brothers...he wanted to go with me to the Big Store cause he wanted to check out a woman who works there that a mutual friend told him about. It was just an excuse to drive into the town my brother lives in. Getting the cat food!

You see, being unemployed, I have to invent reasons to drive the car and waste money on gas.

Yes, it bothers me that I don't have any money but...at least I am rich with your friendship 🙂

Hope your weekend went well for you.
Sorry to hear about your brother. I feel really lucky to have a brother and sister who are very dear to me. My sister lives 16 hrs. away so we just talk alot on the phone.

I listened to a few of Kenny Chesney's songs today. Never heard of him before you mentioned him. I rarely listen to country cause it reminds me of my cowboy and I would rather leave the pain in the past.

Also, sorry to hear about your fertility problems. Do you want a family eventually?

Good luck with getting your dreams. I think CA, being a nurse is obtainable if you dare to dream!

January 13, 2003
10:28 am
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Hope your weekend went well....
Mine ended on a bad note. I am having issues still with husband's mom. I don't know why it bothers me that he called her last night.
He went over to her home yesterday and helped her with her computer...installed a cd writer?
He spent a few hours with her. I stayed home cause I haven't got over my feelings from Thanksgiving. Wow is that a long grudge. I choose to avoid her now. So I hear my husband talking and I found myself all emotional. He called while he was at her home and then I had to call him back....I had to talk to her, ever so briefly...and it stirred it all up for me again. So hearing him off in his office talking with her again...rubbed more salt in my wounds.
Silly....I know he loves his mom. But why does it bother me?
Working on figuring it out....

January 13, 2003
1:00 pm
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Hello mj! My weekend went well. I had my niece over to visit, we had fun. Went out Sat night, had lots of fun. Danced the night away. I live for that. Called cowboy Fri night, his roommate said he was in Iowa somewhere at a rodeo. Odd feeling: rather than letdown, it was more of a relief? Not that I didn't want to talk to him, because I did. No, it was like a relief that he was away doing his thing and I could go have fun without pining for him, knowing he was only a half hour away and wanting to be with him so much it ruined anything else I might be doing. Make any sense? Called last night, got machine. Left message re: absent cowboys. Laughing, funny message tho, just touching base with him any way I can.

What is the Thanksgiving thing? I wasn't around here then, don't know what happened. You'll have to fill me in! 🙂

January 13, 2003
6:21 pm
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Howdy Cowgirl!

January 13, 2003
6:24 pm
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Glad to hear you survived the weekend and had a little fun!

I'd rather not go into my emotional state as I have presently altered my earlier mood and feeling pleasantly happy at the moment!

January 14, 2003
11:37 am
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Hi Sixfootblond,
Thanksgiving....
The eve of thanksgiving I got angry because I had a dinner planned for 6 adults....formal...and my expectations of what I thought would happen was interrupted by my step-daughters' boyfriends son joining....
I was put down rather than acknowledged for my feelings of upset.
My hubby got drunk, left walking from my bros home....and I was worried for his safety and called his daughter and mom to see if they had heard from him. His daughter thought he chose to walk so let him suffer. His mom said that it was all my fault. That I was wrong. I got angrier and packed up my stuff and went to my bros. My husband says its all my fault. If I would have just accepted it all then none of this would have happened.
His mom said that my brother is screwed up. That what kind of person would get upset about a child coming..and I basically said that in my world people exercised manners....if you are going to bring someone, at least ask or tell the hostess. Then it continued into christmas....her telling me to think about the St Francis prayer....which I had been thinking about....
and I have been resentful ever since.
She is 79, and I know that this seems really petty....but it hurt me, I seem to have a hard time letting it go without discussion. His mom sent a card to my mom and offended her also. So basically, I am hurt everytime I talk with her or she is brought up.
I tried to make ammends by inviting her to go with us to view christmas lights and all my hubby and her talked about was the past....I felt really left out. Who cares who use to live in that house etc.
Now aren't you glad I posted 🙂
How are you doing today?

January 14, 2003
11:43 am
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oh, and get this...
Last night when I got home at 5 my husband announced he was going to open all the windows and air out the house so I should go with his daughter to help her make an arrangement for her new coffee table we gave her. I left so that I could have some more time to think...
I have been smoking outside when permitted, next to a fan standing up, and now.....leave so I can air out the house?
You wonder why I go to my brothers every day!

To escape. I come home, he has dinner on the table and is so sweet that I forget all about it.
I am screwed up 🙂

January 14, 2003
2:08 pm
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Wow. Your hubby sounds majorly passive aggressive!! Leave so he can air out the house? I think you are bending over backwards to do your part. Do the two of you own the house together? Maybe he considers it "his" house because you leave? (Not that I agree with that.)

Okay. Are you ready???? I called. Not only did I call, I got thru. YEEEEHAAAA we have accomplished something. Finally. (Take your victories when you can, however small!!)

I just can't figure out what really happened on the phone. I know I did say everything I meant to. I could just sit here and cry, mj. I wish he wasn't such a wonderful guy!! Ok, let's see. Here's how it went.

I called and he answered and we just started to laugh because we were finally talking--Again, the best word is "giddy." :p He told me about two rodeos he was at the last 2 weekends, he scored an 80 and 84 in one and an 84 and 84 in the second and took 6th out of 60 guys! So I told him good job, I was proud of him. I believe I would have continued on,skirting the real issue if he hadn't said,"so what are you doing?" and wouldn't let me off the hook by saying I was lighting a cigarette. (Went thru many in this conversation. Your husband would have had me hanging on the clothesline to air out!!!) So basically I explained that I didn't want to have this conversation on the phone but if I went over to visit I knew I wouldn't be able to say it. So I explained I would love to be with him. I explained that I was becoming very attached to him, more so than I had planned on becoming. (Here he said quietly, "me, too") I said that I loved to be around him. However, given what he does for a living I didn't see how that would foster a fulfilling relationship -- at least not the kind that would satisfy what I need. (In the beginning of our conversation, he had said he was leaving for four days to go to Oklahoma City to ride & buy some bulls to bring back home) I explained that just knowing he was going away last night was bumming me out; I wouldn't even be able to talk to him if I needed to. So how much worse would it be, I asked, if he were home with me and I had to watch him drive away? How much more attached would I get, only to be home alone four days a week? Then I reminded him of how he said he would begin going to rodeos in March or early April. Here it's only Jan 13 (14) and he's off to the third one, fourth if you count New Year's. I said that I also have a hard time watching him ride; while I've always loved bullriding the best, I never cared about any of the cowboys out there, not the way I do now. And I made a point to say two different times that while his bullriding is the reason I can't build a serious relationship with him, I don't want to change him. I accept him for who he is and what he does is such a huge part of the man I care about, I'm proud of him and his talent and would never let him change for me even if he offered. So...that's most of what I said.

I've been trying so hard to repeat over and over to myself what he said because it's hard to remember all of a 45 min phone call, you know? He said he was afraid of this, and we agreed that I would grow impatient with the absences and he would become resentful of me being impatient with something I knew from the start, and we would become bitter toward each other because of the very thing we knew ahead of time. So that was good, we were on the same page. He said he wanted me to know that he truly cares about me, and was trying the whole time not to get his hopes up too much because he had a feeling this was the way it would go. I asked if most of the other cowboys are single, and he said no many of them are married. I asked how they do it, and he said he would have to ask because obviously he isn't doing something right. He was so good about it, he said that he had tried so hard after his divorce not to care about anyone again but he said it was too late. He said he knew when he scored so good and I wasn't there, he just wanted to call me and share it with me. I tried to make him laugh by saying that if he ever is injured to a point where he can't ride, he can rest assured that he won't be lacking for someone at home to take care of his crippled self. He laughed. We ended it on a really good note; we will still talk on the phone and he said he would love to see me sometimes. I did give him my cell number, because I am free to call him at my convenience but he said sometimes he really needs to be able to know he can reach out and connect with me too. So I gave it to him. Maybe not so smart.

It was so odd mj! In this conversation where we were both totally open and honest, I wasn't even embarrassed to tell how I felt about him. He was just as open,too. It was a conversation where we basically were admitting how much of a paradox it is, and how it can't work. But it was the most vulnerable, letting down our guard, telling one another how we had grown to care quite a bit more for one another than we had ever bargained for. I can't describe it, maybe the best way to put it is achingly hopeful? We ended the conversation by saying how we missed one another, and promising to stay in touch and maybe even try to get together this weekend. Now I am not naive and I hope I don't sound so here, but I really meant it and I know he did too.

Now today I want to go to him, and wordlessly get lost in his arms. I ache inside. I am beginning to wonder if perhaps three days a week with him is better than seven with anyone else? I can't believe the affect on me of his words last night. I can't go to him even if I wanted tho because he's a thousand miles away doing the very thing that will keep us apart, the very thing that I first admired him for.

AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(frustration howl)

Can it be possible I have fallen in love with this man?

To complicate matters further -- my hubby told me that come spring I should to quit my job and go back to school -he will support us. This is something I have ached to do for years. I would be going to get my 2 yr RN degree. If I go, I am opening doors for myself and a chance to be self-sufficient in the future. I will also be completely dependent on my hubby for everything in the meantime. If this thing comes to a head and I truly need to be with my cowboy, I will be screwed. No job, student loans...I can't stand this. I am bursting with indecision and feel like I am being pulled a million different ways. Meanwhile, I am still walking around being smiling Barbie, while my mind is screaming FAKE!!!

I am so surprised today by my feelings! Yet they don't alter the underlying problem, they don't change the way things are.

Mj, help!

January 14, 2003
3:50 pm
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Yoohoo, mj?

Hello?

January 14, 2003
5:53 pm
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Hi Dear,
I am here.
Wow....what can I say....been there done that....hard decision. Sympathy, compassion....Hugs.

January 14, 2003
5:56 pm
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If you run to him.....everything changes with your husband. If you stay with your husband, quit your job, go into nursing, will you always wonder what might have been.
It is no cake walk either way, is it?

January 14, 2003
5:59 pm
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Is that why they say, Love sucks?

Like I have said before....You have to live with the consequences of your actions. Good & Bad.
Yes, you can be with Cowboy and savior the magical moments that you are having but for how long? Doesn't any kind of infactuation wear off. I have always found that it does.
You can stay with your husband wondering what it would have been like with Cowboy.
Hard decision....what do you think?

January 14, 2003
6:19 pm
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Tell me...How did it feel the last time you had a fling when you were married? Does it have any similar flair? You said your husband forgave you. You never expressed how you got involved with this other guy. Are their similiar patterns?
Just wondering....

January 15, 2003
9:30 am
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Ok, this is where it begins to sound like Jerry Springer...a little. The other guy was a close friend of both of ours...a groomsman in our wedding. We would all go out and my hubby always plays pool all night and I hate playing pool so I was bored. This guy was an excellent dancer (two-stepping, etc) and one night my hubby said "Dance with her so she will leave me alone and I can play pool" Nice, huh? Back in our young just married days! So he did. And we began to bond. Then when my hubby and I were having major problems due to his alcohol and temper issues (very dark days back then, borderline domestic abuse, seriously) this guy was who I turned to. He fell hard for me. He has lots of money, is tall and very Nordic looking, attractive. It was flattering. He always wanted to make a life with me, for me that was more about a haven in a storm. Although I did think a lot of him I would never have left my husband for him. We had this unusual thing going on for three years. Finally one night I decided to just sleep with him, get the wondering over. It was okay. He really became more mushy after that. For me it ended that night. When my hubby found out he was extremely jealous because of his insecurities as to the guy aspects -- the money, the toys, etc this other guy had that my hubby didn't...he was always jealous of him. I miss my friend sometimes but it was never like this. For one thing, when it started I was 19.

I guess my only sane plan of action is to go to school, get that out of the way, and make my life what I want it to be. Maybe at some point in the future "Cowboy" will tire of the life of the circuit and retire. Then I can address that. I am starting to turn a corner, yesterday I felt it, especially last night. I will always care about my husband but I know this marriage is on its last legs. I have been confusing caring about someone with that being the kind of love a marriage is based upon. I really would miss him, and will have a hard time starting over, but I just don't feel it. I think I can do it, then I talk to my cowboy and the comparison is unreal. That's how I should feel about the person I'm married to.

I don't know about the patterns repeating. Some are, such as the way I react to the two situations -- I can't eat, am very quiet and think a lot. I normally weigh about 150-160 , a size 10 or 12 and last time when I walked away for good I weighed 119, a 6. Now since Nov I'm down 25 lbs and counting. I look good, since I always prefer the thin look to the "healthy" look but it's the same reaction. I think my hubby is picking up on that, I'm sure. But mj, I didn't really ever imagine making a life with the other guy. With cowboy it's all I go around and around about.

But if I'm fair I have to say while he says he cares and all that sweet stuff, he does still put rodeo first. But then, if I care, how can I hold that against him? He was open from the beginning about that. I worry how he is feeling, I know him he analyzes things over and over too, even though he tries to be tough bullrider man. 🙂 Does he feel like crap, like oh sure she cares so much, how can my profession so easily erase that for her?

What's up with you , my OREGON friend? 🙂

January 15, 2003
10:47 am
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Good Morning!
It sounds like you are doing lots of thinking and planning!
Thanks for sharing more info about your life. I really respect you.

I've just been revising our meeting schedule for local Al-Anon meetings.

Things are good today. I get to go to my noon meeting and lunch with our group afterwards. I like Wednesdays!

January 15, 2003
10:59 am
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Sometimes after you have shared with me, I feel more open to share with you, and i guess everyone else reading these threads.

My first husband was Gone on the road all the time. He was on the olympic ski team when we were dating. He would leave for training camps in the summer and be gone for a few months.
In the winter, he spent all hours devoting himself to his passion...skiing. He traveled alot, worked on his ski's, and loved what he was doing. Knowing what I know now from life....I admire people who set goals and go for it. It is healthy to have passion and earn money doing what you love to do. Cowboy is lucky. So was my guy. If I were healthier then, I would have put my energies into my own passion, like writing. Life definitely teaches us wisdom from experiences, doesn't it. I always seem to put my life on hold...and I need to learn to live life daily with dreams, aspirations, and a plan. It seems like the healthiest people learn to be happy with themselves first. I need to invest more in myself and stop all the worry and frustrations about past and future. Living in the moment ...but with a plan.
Thanks so much Sixfootblond for sharing your self....it makes me appreciate that I am not alone in my recovery. Best of Best to You.

January 15, 2003
11:32 am
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Mj, are you sure you're not a therapist? You are so knowledgable about things, and the way you articulate is very educated.

So what happened with the ski jumper? Did it become too much to deal with the absences, the competition in his life of you vs his "other love"?

You know I'm dying to ask about your cowboy. When you're ready.

Thanks for making me feel good. I unload so much here because I don't really have the opportunity to here at home, just to two of my best friends.

Really cold here today. How about you?

January 15, 2003
12:14 pm
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You flatter me so ....

No, I'm just an ordinary woman with 45 years of living life.

Ok....
I have a little time to share.

What happened with my cowboy?
It was love at first sight. He was tall, handsome, beautiful blue eyes and an electrician, pilot, rancher, and much more.

I haven't talked to him in over a year.
We met in 1979...a year after my first divorce. I went to a dance club with my friends from work. It was in a bigger city. My best friend was dating his friend. She had told me about him and I was interested in seeing him for myself.

All the women wanted him, so I played the game of immaturity. I acted as if he was nobody. Rejection enticed him....he then was wanting me.

When I was with him it was like Magic.
I saw Kenny Chesney last night and he was singing about how my baby thinks my tractor is sexy.....I could relate.
I use to ride next to him at the ranch, just he and I, on his tractor, plowing back and forth, like heaven would never end...

I don't think I will ever get over him. We bonded and we fought. His image still generates such emotion in me.

January 15, 2003
12:27 pm
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In 1985, he proposed, and gave me an engagement ring.....Happiest moment...
until a few hours later....when I discovered he had stolen my cat.

He was a man you could love to hate.

In 1996, he showed up at my daughters wedding....I was married and had to leave the room because of the adrenaline pump.

In 97, he took me to visit my first husband at the rest home where he resides to this day.....he was married to another....but the magic was ever present but controlled.

We use to email....then I got married to present hubby....and haven't contacted him since. Last I heard he was getting divorced....

My family hated him. I loved him.
We could never seem to get it together. I am sure he still thinks of me.....I will never forget him.

January 15, 2003
12:33 pm
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My first husband loved the limelight.
He too was extremely handsome. He got many offers from women all over...Aspen. He loves me to this day. I love him in my own special way. He lived a life of irresponsibility...and ended up getting hit by a car...he was the pedestrian....and he lives his life in a nursing home.
He was present at my daughters wedding this last year. (My other daughter) along with husband 2 and 4.
I think in spite of my failed marriages, my ex's always love me to this day. Is that weird or what? I like to feel loved. So I am a love junkie 🙂

January 15, 2003
12:39 pm
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How tragiclly romantic! Sounds like a movie.

Why did he steal your cat?!

You know, it must be a cowboy thing.

I wonder what it will be like when I am 45. To look back...

A stupid thing--- in a cartoon in today's paper there is a quote something like "More regrets come from indecision than from bad decisions."

Going to a meeting tonight for a new organization in our county -- an EMS association meeting. Am excited dually -- for the new organization I have been priveledged to be asked to join (a conglomeration of various EMT's etc from all units in our co) but also because I realized it will look good on an admission application for school.

I am going to seize this school thing and concentrate on that for a while. I was reading a thread on the general board about this man who is having troubles with an Elvira lady, his daughter and his marriage. His counselor said to pick one situation and concentrate on resolving that. So I am picking school.

Still missing my cowboy. Even though I wouldn't be seeing him anyway, knowing he is so far away is a downer. Portents of potential future times should I take that road...unless of course I become a rodeo emergency medicine chick...there's a thought! 🙂

January 15, 2003
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Husband #3....I haven't seen since I reported him for illegally tapping into my phone lines....I think he doesn't love me. He left his job and moved away....I hope. We were married for 4 mos and then continued seeing each other for another few years.....I don't want to see him ever either.

January 15, 2003
12:45 pm
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You're cute!

Good Luck with the Meeting!

He stole my cat because he knew how much I loved my kitty. He knew that if he took her, he would have an excuse to see me again....I had broke up with him...remember, I am a runner...at least I use to be...more so than now...ankle issue 🙂

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