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I feel like I always end up in this same fork in the road...
January 8, 2003
11:49 am
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by the way...my youngest daughter was born in 76! How did you get so smart?
Yes, I laughed when I read your post simultaneously and posted again!
So is your mom supportive and loving?

January 8, 2003
12:55 pm
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My mom is a great lady. She's had a crappy life and has been through a lot. The toll on her is that she is very timid and afraid of people in general. She will talk to people, but is shy and doesn't really trust many people. I am her baby, her life. She is very loving to me but I don't really lean on her because I am who she leans on and if I am upset it scares her.

Smart, you say? I am hardly that. Intellectually smart yeah, but not in life. See I always end up in this spot. I really think it's because I crave affirmation from men due to the fact that I was a spoiled little daddy's girl. I do need to learn to not let it get to this point. If I had just stayed away from cowboy we would not be here today. I knew the night I met him again after the rodeo that there was something there. I actually said to my friends, "I could get in trouble with that guy". It was an instant pull, you know? I need to learn to avoid that once I recognize it. Instead it was so tantalizing I let myself get pulled in. Now both of us are emotionally invested in this. I went into my notepad in my email, on yahoo and wrote a dear john letter. Just to lay out my planned talk. It helped. I would love to give him a letter since it's hard to remember everything you want to say right at the moment. But then there would be evidence. (God, this is terrible when I'm getting this conniving!) So I will attempt a phone call tonight. Again, I will attempt. I literally get a nervous stomach at the thought. I don't want to lose him but have no choice. Damn it I don't want to sound like a cliche but he'd better still be my friend when I see him. I couldn't stand to lose that too.

Have you seen the movie "Unfaithful"? They are showing the previews a lot now, it's about to come out on video. It looks good but I'm afraid to watch it at home because I'm afraid my face might be too telling.

January 8, 2003
1:04 pm
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God I just had a horrible thought. Kind of horribly funny!

If I'm this bad now can you imagine what a dirty old lady I will be?! I don't suppose my brain will cease to desire young firm men even when my body begins to sag and wrinkle. ARGH!!

Question of the day:

How do older people actually desire other, older bodies? Not devoted couples who are aging together but ones who are single and still hooking up? Don't think I could be attracted to an old saggy man!

Quit laughing!! 🙂

January 8, 2003
1:17 pm
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder!

I would rather look at a toned body too.

My hubby looks like he is carrying quadruplets.....but for me ...he is the sexiest man alive. Go figure.

I have never felt such love as I do from him. He is so passionate and giving. I wouldn't trade him for 2 muscle men.

January 8, 2003
1:25 pm
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When I was dating hubby, I watched runaway bride with him then disappeared for awhile.

No...I haven't seen Unfaithful.

I rarely go to the movies. I hate wasting our money on things I can eventually see on tv for free.

For fun, we drive around exploring nature and the beauty here in Oregon. We also go clamming, rodeos, stock car races, photo expeditions, crabbing, and basically be spontaneous on weekends and start out without anything in mind but being together.

I bet it was really hard for your mom to lose your dad. She sounds like an endearing woman. She probably admires you for your outgoing nature.

January 8, 2003
1:30 pm
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Do you care to share about your hubby?
What attracted you to him?

January 8, 2003
1:39 pm
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Somewhere, I realized that at the beginning of this thread you had already answered this question. I reread it.

So what is wrong with your relationship is a better question?

January 8, 2003
1:47 pm
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What I liked about my husband is that he is very stable. He has lived in the same town, had the same job for 33 years, and has lived in the same house for 32 years. I am his third marriage. He is my fourth. He has a daughter, I have two daughters.

He listened to me. He was so kind and gentle. When I take the time to notice, he does everything in his power to please me. I feel like a spoiled brat at times. He gives, gives, and gives some more and i take.
He wrote me a thank you note this morning about how much he appreciates how I have tried to smoke considerately. Now that is pretty cool. At first, i resented it, then after thinking about it, I appreciated it.

I think attitude is important in searching for our answers.
I know that when I felt like I was losing him, I ran back faster than I left. I don't know why I can't just calm myself and think clearly when I am upset about the little stuff.

Good Luck with what you decide to do tonight! Im off to my Al-Anon meeting.

January 8, 2003
2:05 pm
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That's just it mj. I don't know.

Freud says we seek out mates who emulate our opposite sex parent. This is true to the extent that my father also spoiled me and treated me like a queen. I could do no wrong and was the little princess of the home. My husband is like that in a way. He honestly loves me very dearly and totally. We have had infertility issues, and have lost one baby (miscarriage). Basically my body doesn't allow sperm to pass thru my cervix, so to even try to become pregnant we have to go to a fertility clinic. So I have asked him (actually just last week) if he would leave me to have babies easily with someone else. He says no. I even told him a few nights ago that I sometimes think I should get out of his life and let him find some nice little calm girl who could pop out babies for him. He was indignant. I would imagine on some level our infertility has effected at least my perspective of our marriage. You know, like, we can't even have kids (we can, it will just take IVF I think -- lots of $$!!) and we are so different so what the heck? In reality I know many people would love to have what I have, and that's why if I left I was so scared of never finding this again. He loves me so much, mj. He will make breakfast (I'm not a morning person at all so am always flying around late) and stand in the doorway of the bathroom and feed me bites of waffle or whatever while I blowdry and curl, etc. He will make supper and instead of telling me when it's done he will bring me a plate into wherever in the house I am. Don't get me wrong, I cook a lot and am a great cook, I keep a very clean house, so it's not like I'm some obnoxious spoiled wife. But I realize he's way better than many husbands. He's blond and blue-eyed, attractive, and while he's pretty quiet, we do have a lot of fun together. Really. This is why people in our community think we're Ken and Barbie. I can't determine if I'm with the right guy, and just have the wrong attitude or if he's not the guy for me because I look at other men? Basically is my issue independent of or due to my marriage? Do you know what I'm saying? Would I be like this no matter what so I'd better knock it off and keep my great hubby, or am I like this because I don't love him the way I should and I would be different with someone else? I suspect it's an issue that would follow me into any other relationship.

Movies..we go to matinees, or rent them. For fun we go for drives on summer evenings, have lots of people over for great big cookouts/potluck dinners, rodeos, teampenning with our 4 horses, hang out with this other couple who are our best friends, go out and have a few beers (we live in a rural area so to go out is really to socialize and see all your friends.) Also trail rides, etc. But the last two years my hubby has changed. He wants like nothing to do with the horses. Ok, they are like my love, my life. I worked 2 jobs for a year and a half to afford them. Now he wants to get rid of them. He doesn't want to go penning or riding and I won't go by myself. Basically I could go penning but I can't drive the truck and trailer real well. (Can't back up a sixteen foot gooseneck and truck very quickly) And I won't ride alone in case of an accident. Then you have a loose horse (which would worry me more than any injury of mine!) and nobody knows where you are. So when cowboy comes along and loves the same kind of lifestyle I do, lives by a public access ranch, owns horses himself and is willing to go riding with me, well...I really resent the horse thing with my hubby. He wanted horses just as much as me but now we have a new motorcycle and he's totally uninterested in the horses. Totally. I have tried to draw him out regarding the issues there but as per normal, he clams up. All I can get out is that he doesn't have time for them and they're too much work. Yes, they are a lot of work. He knew that. And he just doesn't make time anymore. We used to spend almost every weekend doing one thing or another with the saddle club. Now he decides he doesn't want to and that's it. Ticks me off. He normally doesn't take a stance on most things but when he does that's it.

Wow. Didn't mean to go off on that tangent!

January 8, 2003
5:03 pm
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I don't consider that a tangent....but real honest outpouring of what you are feeling.
I see why cowboy is attractive to you now. He shares similiar interests with you.

I hate when the discussion ends with my husband because he is so stubborn to listen to what I want and need.
Your points are valid about your horses.

Can you picture yourself without your hubby?

January 9, 2003
11:13 am
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Sometimes I can, mj. Sometimes I get excited about the possibilities that await me. Then I feel like real life comes crashing back down, and it's like, who are you kidding, what do you know about being on your own.

I took the third grade approach to the whole phone call thing! I had my best friend call (she is a good friend of cowboy, has known him longer than me) and scope out the waters. Basically the upshot is this: he said he assumed I reconciled over xmas with my hubby. Said he won't bother me by calling or coming around but if I want to call him or whatever he will always be there. Basically he said he's pretty sure it's my fear of being alone and that while he's still into bullriding that he couldn't be there as much as I need. And he said he's not ready to give it up yet. He's got plenty of time to get old, and wants to do this while he's young enough. He lives for it. And you know what? He's always been totally upfront about that. He told her I'm still welcome to come with him on the circuit if I do leave. Basically he feels strongly for me but I'm a big girl and need to decide what I want. He was feeling a little used, and wondered what's been going on. He says he didn't tell anyone about us because it's nobody's business. Hmm. I couldn't picture him doing that, he's not like that. So basically I feel bad, since he's being so supportive of me still. That's what turns my head about him mj!! It's hard to describe. He's this very nicely built guy, taller than me (hubby is an inch shorter, I'm a tall 5'10") and he has these black eyes that can look at you and know without saying that something's wrong. He has this grin that flashes across his face and it's like you can do anything and handle anything when you're with him. He's part Indian, and is the epitome of the cowboy. We are so alike! I sometimes wondered how that would work out in the long term though. We are both used to being the dominant one, the clown, and we would eventually clash. But God, it was so great to be around him. I MISS HIM!!!!!

But what would I do when he's gone all the time. While he's honest about it, do I really want someone who values rodeo first and foremost? How could you build a life and family around that?

I'm so glad he isn't closing any doors between us. And yet as long as that door is cracked open I will want to be on the other side.

Help!!!! Look at me, and I haven't even talked to him myself yet!!

Do you listen to country music? Have you heard the new Kenny Chesney song about doing a lot of things different?
Also Eminem (ok I have eclectic tastes!) has the new song out called "Lose Yourself" and in the beginning he says "If you had one opportunity, one moment, to seize everything you ever dreamed of, would you capture it? Or just let it slip?" How do you know it's your one opportunity? I swear this is driving me nuts. I just want to see him.

But I won't. I don't dare.

ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

January 9, 2003
2:16 pm
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Ok, why does the number of posts keep disappearing? I can see if a certain number dropped off daily, but they are dropping every time I log into here. ?? What gives??

January 10, 2003
10:46 am
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Good Morning SFB,
If you press the view all posts of the thread at the top of the screen then you can get all of the postings back. If you press the choice of how many days or months at the beginning of codependency page it should download the amount you select!

Isn't knowledge grande!

I read anothers post about how she went for the gusto....and lost everything. Scarey huh? Did you read it?

I think it was on the I want an affair or something on general support.

No answers here today????

Do you have a puter at home?
or just work?

Have a great weekend!

January 10, 2003
11:02 am
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We currently live in a smaller house, and have been saving money for our dream house. No extra room to have to put a puter in, so have decided to save the money until we have our bigger house. The one we are closing on in April. It's a beauty, I'm excited.

No I didn't read the other thread I will have to go look.

I was wondering where you went. Missed ya!

I'm missing cowboy pretty badly mj!

January 10, 2003
11:54 am
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Hi,
Yesterday, I was helping a friend from Al-Anon write her resume. She is 59 and her husband hit her then moved out and has filed for divorce. I thought I had problems.....

I was touched by what you wrote about cowboy....I bet you are missing him.
You make him sound so magical. Is he?
Seriously, only you know what you should do....in your heart. You will always have the consequences of what path you choose and I know you will choose the best one for you. I have faith in you. It's like Robert Frosts' poem.....we will never know about the other choice.....

Feel your saddness....feel your anxiety, and choose!
I am here for you even if I seem like I disappeared 🙂

January 10, 2003
12:05 pm
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I just read what you wrote...on the other thread....Bravo to you. I was just telling you to feel your feelings and you said that too.
You are one smart cookie!

January 10, 2003
12:07 pm
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I just want to add ....that judgements or not our place.....to judge anyone..... I do it at times but acknowledge that I am wrong to make judgements.....So many lessons to learn 🙂

January 10, 2003
1:44 pm
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What judgements? I'm confused. I hope I didn't sound like I was judging anyone. God knows I'm in no place to be doing that! 🙂

I am really feeling down today. At work as usual I'm the clown, my hubby is obviously happy that whatever I was going thru is gone (?), and there is this big hole in my heart. I mean there is literally a heavy feeling in my chest! How weird is that! I am conciously and deliberately, with no real concern for any later consequences, planning on either calling or stopping at cowboy's place tonight. Mj, I can't stand it. I just want to feel those big arms around me! But I think I will bargain myself into a phone call. Here is how I figure it; every new level of connection is so bittersweet for both of us, it hurts a little more each time, so I need to stay away. A phone call is enough of a backslide.

I was just thinking, if you and I could swap a little of our own downfalls we could probably kick butt! You leave too easily, right? And I am 900% terrified of leaving. Even if I want to, I don't have enough confidence. What a pickle we are in.

Are you really happy to be back this time? Do you ever resent the money situation? I asked myself a really difficult question that answered a lot for me: If I was immensely, independently wealthy, what would my life be like right now? The answer was reflexive: I'd be living out west with my horses, attending college to be an RN. Probably with a love shack and a certain cowboy at least visiting between rodeos. Wow. That says a lot but I'm not sure I'm brave enough to examine it too closely now.

Sending supportive and hopeful wishes your way, my dear California friend!

Say a prayer for me that I will get my head out of my butt. I try but dude it's stuck. I can see the ludicrous - ness of the situation and yet no hope of an end.

(Tarzan yell of frustration)

January 10, 2003
2:14 pm
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Hi Sixfootblond,
Okay,,,
First and foremost....I live in Oregon:)
Secondly, I was talking about my issues of being judgemental and critical 🙂
Thirdly, I wished I lived in San Diego!
Most Importantly....I care...Sorry that you feel down.

January 10, 2003
2:20 pm
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Ohmigod! I really for some reason thought you lived in CA! oh wow.

See, this proves how out of sorts I am today. Lost.

Ok, laugh and shake it off. Right? I broke down and called and left a message. I feel better.

January 10, 2003
2:23 pm
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After I type, I oughta just erase it and start over...but I don't ...too lazy.

I told you I thought you were smart...you are. I like you too!
I wish everyone would be so open and vulnerable, sharing what they really feel. That is a good quality my dear internet friend.

If I were to win the lottery?

You know what....You can do anything your heart desires.

No...things aren't much better at home and yes, I wished I would have stayed longer at my brothers...hell I spend more time at my brothers lately. I invent reasons to come here. I told my husband I'd pick up cat food for his cats....to have an excuse to come here to my bros where censorship does not exist, no dictatorship either, and cablespeed internet connection...bonus. and I can Smoke!

I too am unsure of what to do!

January 10, 2003
2:25 pm
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So what did you say?

January 10, 2003
2:33 pm
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Hey--never underestimate the lengths we will go to, to smoke! Especially if you're stressed then you need a smoke even worse!!

I said, "(name), this is (me). I just wanted to touch base, I miss you. Wanted to talk, I knew you wouldn't be home but I wanted to call while I could. I will try again later. (his roommate's name), if you erase this I will hunt you down and hurt you. No, really, quit laughing because I will."

I wish my bro was still alive I would go there and stay there. Did you read my post on the suicidal thread on the general board?

January 10, 2003
2:35 pm
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As I patiently wait for an answer...
Hubby yelled at me last night.
I hate to be yelled at.
His daughter stopped over again.
As she was venting the upteenhundreth time about her problem, I said and this is over a $5 a month charge. It wouldn't be worth the energy expended.
My husband jumps in and says....five dollars is so many dollars a year... and that is worth fighting for....
I left the room and smoked.
I should have told him what I really thought of him yelling at me but I didn't think that was the time to do it.

January 10, 2003
2:40 pm
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I'm sorry about your brother. I bet you really miss him. Suicide is definitely the last cry of hopelessness. Hugs to you.
I lost other brother to lung cancer and I too miss him.
My bro is here...gotta run off to the store for cat food.
I'll post more later and hopefully more clearly.

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