Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In
Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
The forums are currently locked and only available for read only access
sp_TopicIcon
I feel like I always end up in this same fork in the road...
December 27, 2002
6:20 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am the adult child of a recovering alchoholic father, who is since deceased. I didn't think his alcoholism affected me since I was born after he was in AA. But from things my aunt told me, I fit the family's dysfunctional story to a T.

Quick note about me...I am one of those girls from high school not many girls liked. I was a cheerleader, yearbook editor, high honors, straight A's, top ten graduating class, from small town America where to this day everyone stills loves me and waves at me and stops me on the street to visit. I have always been the pretty girl, and tough for my friends, the clown, the one who got did naughty things (minor, mind you) but never got in trouble because in every other way I was a good girl. I am the kind of girl other women don't like because their boyfriends flirt with me, and I love it. I don't want anyone's husband or boyfriend, but I love the power of making a man want me. I suppose I've known since my teen years that not all women are like me. I love sex and I love men. Plural. I have been very choosy and only slept with 4 men in my whole life, don't get me wrong. I love the power I have over men but am careful to keep control of that power. In high school I dated as many as 4 guys at a time, but almost always at least 2 at a time. Just for fun. I am about having fun. My dad died when I was 14 and I want to live life to the fullest. Here's the corker; I got married at 19 to a guy who made me feel like he would take care of me. He has. He's great. He's a complete sweetheart and attractive and makes good money. Everyone thinks we're Barbie and Ken. Of course I care about him -- I've been with him for years. (I'm 25) He's all I know. I cheated on him once and he took me back. Barely. He's an old fashioned guy, he's not like me. My problem; I'm about to do it again. I met this guy who I've gotten to know better, he's a rodeo cowboy based out of a local town. He is like the drug to my (I thought) in control addiction. I cannot stand to be away from him for very many days in a row. He makes me feel alive, he is offering me a new life, on the road with him. (This won't work, I have a very good white collar job that is definitely 9-5 Mon-Fri). But my body screams his name. I have not slept with him yet. But I cannot stop this compulsion. I am too scared to leave my husband, I am terrified to be alone without someone to be there to catch me if I fall. "Cowboy" says he will but how can I risk everything on one chance? What if I lose? He wants me to leave, of course. I don't know how much longer I can have the best of both worlds. I will have to pick soon. I have never met anyone like this guy. I can't describe it. It's unreal, conversation not just the sexual undercurrent.

Okay, I realize I am probably a sex kind of addict or something even though it doesn't go that far. I suppose it has to do with being Daddy's little girl, then losing him to cancer at such a young age that I seek male approval. I realize I have a very good life and am constantly, purposefully jeopardizing it. Any insights or ideas into why?

Help??!!

December 27, 2002
11:25 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I hope someone has some good advice for you. I am sort of in the same boat. My husband and I have been married for 2 and a half years and dated before that for 4 years. I was 20 when we started dating. I was immature and he put absolutely no emotion into the relationship because recently he had been crushed by a break up of a 6 year relationship. I latched on to his insensitivity. For some reason I saw it as a challenge.

Now he has turned completely around and is the most sensitive, caring, loving man I have ever known. He will do anything for me and does.

Sounds great, but now I have no desire for him. I know there are thousands of woman out there that would appreciate him, but I can't find that appreciation I should have for him inside me. I wish it would come back, but it doesn't.

I don't let go and give up because I know what a great guy he is and what I would be losing, but it is hard to live without that fire.

December 28, 2002
10:09 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Ladies,
The rush, the power, the excitement, the craving for approval, the fear that we might miss out on something.

Don't do it.

End relationships before you begin another. It's less messy and more healthy.

If you want to put half as much energy back into your present relationship with your husband, you might be surprised that you see what attracted you to them in the first place.

December 30, 2002
10:24 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Sixfootblond,
How are you doing? I am sorry that I sounded so judgemental. I am more emphathetic than you may realize. From what you wrote, you don't sound like a sex addict either.
I felt abandoned by my father most of my life. He is still alive. I think I constantly search for the love that is always out of reach. Then when I get it, I sabbotage it so I can become the victim again. Abandoned.
Does that feel the least bit familiar?

December 30, 2002
3:07 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I guess I never thought of it that way, mj. I suppose in a way I was abandoned by my dad, too. Although while he was alive I was his little princess. Yes, you have a very valid point. I am going to have to give this more thought, since I've never turned and looked at the situation from this angle before.

Thanks for caring enough to answer. So, the big question is, how did you quit the cycle? Or have you?

December 30, 2002
6:23 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It's my work in progress 🙂
I am in marriage #4. I have no desire to look anymore. There are no quick fixes, and all the men I have loved have their own set of problems. I still get to hear all about the same problems I still possess. The only difference is my attitude. I know that until I heal myself...nothing will ever improve.
I kept trying the same solution only to get the same problem 🙂 I am trying to communicate rather than run from right now.

December 31, 2002
10:08 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Your last sentence really rings true for me. I have thought of that before. If I leave things would be worse, ie, I would have even less attention and less together time with this cowboy than I do my husband, since he rodeos six months a year, Wed thru Sun night. So I realize that. I suppose in men speak I am a high maintenance girl, since I want together time, I want to do couple things. Kind of hard to do with someone who is five states away riding bulls for the week! 🙂

Yes, you are right. I am going to stay and work on my issues. I would be crazy to walk away from what I have right now, and try to make it work with someone I only know as a friend. Also knowing how important rodeo is in his life, knowing that I need more than that. The undercurrents are exciting but whoopdedoo when you are always seperated, right? 🙂 My hubby treats me like a queen and is a great guy. I think the fault obviously lies in myself, constantly looking for an ego boost. But in getting that boost comes the anxiety with dealing with the situation I have created. Make any sense? Like right now for example. I really was attracted to this guy from day one. Good buddy, one night started talking over too many beers, etc. It was fun, it's exciting, it's an ego boost. It worked. He wants me. I love to go to rodeos and see him ride and see the crowd all gaga and know the great looking guy in chaps and hat riding is mine if I want him. But then when I succeed in that, I have a sick stomach and nerves and guilt because I am then forced to deal with a messy situation, and if I want to leave it scares me, and if I want to stay I will have to end it with this guy. I went over last night to try and "have the talk" but you know...things digressed from there. I don't want to do this over the phone (that's crappy) but I am beginning to think it's impossible to do in person.

Any suggestions?

And by the way, thanks so much for sharing with me like this. I appreciate it. I have lots of friends but I don't want to talk to them about this. One knows, but not the rest. It's hard to explain but oftentimes if people think you are happy then I don't think they really WANT to know how things aren't always rosy, you know? They prefer to think of me as the clown, whatever, and oh my God if she has problems too then what? I don't mean to sound like they don't care because I know they do. But I don't want to talk about this with them. Then when it blows over, I would always regret that anyone knew the whole mess, you know? Does that make any sense?

Have a great New Years and be careful. Anything special planned? Don't laugh but I'm going to a rodeo. Go figure!

December 31, 2002
12:23 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi....Happy New Years.
I have an idea....take your hubby to the rodeo. Bull rider will understand without saying anything. You and your husband together says it all. What do you think? Breaking others hearts is no fun and I have never found an easy way to do it. Be prepared to see his ugly side.
Second thought....maybe going to the rodeo isn't even a good place to go ...How do you keep your husband from finding out about Cowboy?

I really understand the cleaning up the mess that I have created by my choices. I really understand.

I am really glad that you have decided to deal with issues with hubby.

I find that sometimes I don't want to share my behaviors that make me feel guilty because of what others will think. I hate rejection.

December 31, 2002
12:34 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I am going to the rodeo with my husband. We are both big fans of rodeo. And he does know "cowboy" and I are friends.

So I'm hoping that our presence together will send a signal. It's just that he thinks I am going to leave, soon. So I will have to have that talk anyway.

I don't know if my friends would reject me per se, I doubt it. They have no illusions about me being a choir girl. But it's kind of like when you have your first big fight in a marriage, you tell your friends/parents all about it. Then you and hubby make up and you can't understand why the friends/parents are still holding a grudge, or a little miffed because all they remember are the bad things. They weren't there for the make up and explanation that followed. I just feel it would be exhausting to try and explain all this to them. Then when it's over I don't want anyone asking me about him, etc. Because I will miss him. He is a great guy. Handy here that he will be gone a great majority of the time so temptation will be gone. 🙂

December 31, 2002
12:39 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

In the past years, I usually journal about my goals and dreams for my future. If I set goals, then I usually achieve them. Last year my husband & I went with friends to a local bar. It was a disaster.

When I was a child, we would have a big buffet and invite friends and family over. I liked doing that.

A few years back I went with a new girlfriend and was the designated driver. I have a rule about drinking and driving. Not a drop if you are driving. It was different. I am not sure if it was fun but it made me appreciate being sober. People talk alot more when they drink.

My hubby suggested we sit around the wood stove in the garage and drink...so not really sure what we will end up doing. I would prefer staying home but worry that my hubby will drink too much which always causes me problems.

I told him last night that I will be attending my Al-Anon meeting on New Years. He said he would sit in the car with his jug, honking the horn. He was joking....and I laughed. For some reason the visualization was humorous as I could see him doing it.

Good Luck with telling Cowboy....and I wait to hear how it went...
Happiest of New Starts!

December 31, 2002
12:46 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

We must have been typing at the same time. I was telling you about my plans for New Years in a round about way.
I understand now what you mean about friends.
Sorry I asked about letting me know how it went....but then again, if you feel like sharing your sadness...or relief...I will be here.

January 2, 2003
10:31 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks mj! We must think alike, bith typing at the same time! 🙂

Well, I had an interesting NY's Eve. A very close guy friend of my hubby's and mine (not sure about the grammar there!)came over when I was home alone and basically leveled with me that he knew what was going on. The only reason he didn't tell my husband was that he wanted to talk to me first and see what was going on. Well, let me tell you that after resolving everything and wanting nothing else but to walk away from the whole thing and start over in the new year, this blew me out of the water. Especially since 99% of whatever this was, was in conversations and thoughts and not actions. So what was there to talk about? You know? I found out one of the people who told, and that was a guy friend who saw me dancing with "cowboy" two months ago and thought we looked too friendly. God, that was the night we first began to talk, and the only time I have ever danced with him. Go figure. I think I know who the other one might be, this guy who came over has an exgirlfriend. I had told her very little, basically that I might be leaving after Crhistmas and would she want to be my roommate, since I knew she was a struggling single mom. I told her I was going to be talking to this friend (her ex) and getting his advice. So I can see why she might have brought it up, thinking he knew. He and I are very close and always have been. So the upshot of all this is that I explained all, and while he was both upset with me and hurt I hadn't come to him he understands now. I basically told him that I didn't want to burden anyone else, that it was my problem and I had to deal with it. Also told him it was over, whatever "it" had ever been. So that's over. Now I just emailed his exgirlfriend and told her I had talked to him and that I suspected she'd said something to him, but that I wasn't mad. I just want to see if it's her, because if this all comes out now it will be the total end of my marriage. I know it's my fault but God now that I'm worried it's like so clear to me who I love. Why do I do this?? Why why? I really don't understand!

The rodeo was fun, we left before it was over, it was so crowded and it was getting late. We made it back to see the New Year in with a group of our closest friends who were having a little card party at their house. I wasn't too impressed by "Cowboy" either because this is the fourth rodeo I have seen him ride in and for the fourth time he didn't cover his bull. (He bucked off, didn't qualify.) As I sat there all I could think of was that old(er) country song from back in the 80's..."Don't call him a cowboy until you've seen him ride.." Hmmmm. It is so amazing how a day or three can change one's outlook. I am beginning to think a lot of his charm was my long standing starry eyed admiration of rodeos and cowboys, then along comes someone who fits the description and makes me laugh and like a sucker away I went. God. Why oh why am I like this?!?!?!?

January 2, 2003
10:37 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh yeah, I haven't talked to cowboy yet. First of all, I am paranoid now. This is small town USA. Secondly, I don't want to see him in person. I didn't want to do this over the phone since I felt it wasn't very nice. Question: why am I so worried about his feelings? Duh!

My hubby has a fire dept meeting tonight so I think it's time to gather my courage up and get this damn phone call over with. Wish me luck!!

January 2, 2003
11:16 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Lots of Luck!!!

January 2, 2003
11:27 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I hope I didn't offend you mj! I do appreciate your input. As far as the post above , okay, a few above!, I just didn't mean for my friends to come off wrong. I didn't mean to come down on you. Just a little stressed I guess.

Are things going okay for you? Your post was kind of short and sweet. What did you guys do for New Years?

January 2, 2003
11:34 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

My first husband was on the US Olympic Ski Team....He was a ladies man! He is the father of my two daughters. We divorced because of many reasons. Infidelity, drug abuse, Unwilling to earn a living, his anger towards me ruining his skiing career, and the last straw was when he locked our daughters in their bedroom and tried to rape me.
I was single for 13 years. I had lots of boyfriends. A cowboy who owned a ranch, cattle, horses and my heart. I dated him sporadically for 10 years intermixed with several other serious relationships. A police sargent, a japanese restaurant owner, and a ex-marine.
Always had to have many men at bay in case one or the other hurt me. I'd chew them up and spit them out.
My outer beauty was my curse.
I never worried where the next fix would come...they always did.
I think God tripped me last November so that I couldn't run any more.
I left my home again, yesterday morning. New Years Day. Symbolic.
I tell you to communicate and put energy into your husband...then don't practice what I preach. I did not leave for another this time....just for myself. I am not sure if that makes a difference at this point...I just know that I felt great yesterday, now I feel nervous and a little apprehensive about returning to acquire some personal clothing for survival. I am staying with my brother.

January 2, 2003
11:36 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

We crossed paths again...no offense at all.

January 2, 2003
11:40 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have always felt that things happen for a reason...like your friend showing up and talking with you about Cowboy.

Weird timing or What?

I believe in Karma...I usually get mine immediately.

January 2, 2003
11:42 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

MJ! Here I am all wrapped up in me and look what's going on with you! My gosh, what happened? How did you get tripped up in Nov? Why did you leave your home? You must be very brave! I hope you're doing okay, at least you have your brother. Wow. If you want to talk, spill it. I'll listen. Take care girl!

January 2, 2003
11:46 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

January 2, 2003
11:51 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

We're typing at the same time again!!

What do you think it means that my buddy stopped to talk about the cowboy? Do you think it means the crap is about to hit the fan, like I've really done it this time. Or do you think it was just a chance to talk to someone and unload? I have a sick stomach because just when I decide to do the right thing I'm scared it's all gonna come crashing down around me. I don't want to talk to him tonight.

Then, this is terrible, but then I caught myself thinking, maybe I shouldn't have "the talk" because if it does all go to heck at home, I will need some strong male shoulder to cry on. God! I hear these thoughts and recognize they aren't acceptable, but there they are. I wish I could afford counseling. I can only imagine what a counselor would make of me! My ins doesn't cover it, tho, and I don't think the cost is something I can afford. Argh!!

Must have the talk tonight. Must not digress or allow myself to be talked out of straight and narrow plan. Must stay calm at home and focus on quit feeling like axe will be falling on head any moment.

Even when I'm stressed I try to joke. (Choke? That's how I feel.)

Later gator! Don't forget to fill me in. I suppose you are typing right now, too! 🙂

January 2, 2003
11:51 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

A little poetry to brighten our morning...by Robert Frost "The Road not Taken"

You ask why this always happens....I think it is called choice. I choose to leave yesterday because my husband got tired of me smoking....and I got tired of trying to resolve the problem....he kept changing the rules and I retreated.

I know that this was the impulsive reason....but It feels so Wrong. It always did. Shouldn't have got involved...did. Hate to hurt others so I hurt myself.

January 2, 2003
11:55 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Truth can set you free!

Usually when I am honest, I feel better in the end.

January 2, 2003
12:00 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Oh mj! I don't think it's wrong to get involved. I think we are here to be loving sharing people. I wish I could give you a hug because you sound like me. I say things like that, trying to sound all tough and strong when I really just need a hug like anyone else.

You say you left due to the smoking and changing rules, etc. Sounds like at my house when we don't communicate and then we blow up over something totally inconsequential. I hope your heart heals okay. It sounds between the lines like you're doubting yourself. I know how you feel. I'm just glad you answered my post way above. It has helped immensely to have you to unburden to and I hope I can return the friendship. My aunt ( a counselor, unfortunately in FLA and she thinks she's too close to the situation to objectively help me) told me this once: "When the student is ready the teacher will come." I heard it somewhere else not too long ago. I keep thinking, I'm ready for a teacher!!

Stay strong girl and keep me posted. Re: Robert Frost -- one of my fav poems of all time!! Very apt as well, might I add!

January 2, 2003
12:00 pm
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Did you feel any relief from being open and honest with your questioning buddy? Did you feel like it helped you to make a decision through talking?

You are all tied up in knots right now....with the what if game.

I will be here to talk if you need to...thanks for listening to me today. HUGS

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
28
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111163
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38716
Posts: 714574
Newest Members:
CaitlynForlong, AndrinNetzer, MaarcusPedersen, MarcusPedersen, eyeconcepts, junwork52
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2021 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information