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How do you know when it's over
November 11, 2002
2:19 pm
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threestars
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Hi. This is my first time writing but I was so impressed by what I've read so far that this feels right.
I have been in a 7 year relationship with a loving, considerate, kind man who drinks every day and has no goals. He rarely gets drunk, but when he does he is mean. This happens occasionally. But, I have a master's, we just bought a house (in my name only of course because his credit sucks) he works construction and always has bill money, but no savings. He won't even put his money in the bank. I am thrity and starting to think about a future. I am trying to get liscenced as a therapist and have DREAMS. I like to read, do yoga, take walks, go out, have adventures. He wanted us to move back to the area he grew up in (we did last year), go to the same places, he's into TV and sports, I don't know we just don't share alot of intrests. I'm afraid I've outgrown him. But, he's a great man and I know he loves me, would NEVER cheat on me, goes out of his way to do little nicities for me. Do you ever get all you want in a partner? I thought this man was my soulmate, but I've changed and he doesn't want to. Anyone understand what I'm talking about? To top it off, I'm getting more and more attracted to a friend of his.

November 11, 2002
4:33 pm
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gingerleigh
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Are you married to this man? If not, after 7 years, then why not? I'm not being rude, just curious... is it by your preference or his? If it's by your preference, why? If it's by his, well, how does that make you feel?

It is possible to outgrow someone, especially after 7 years. I see a lot of room for resentment where you have to be the responsible one, buy the house in your name because you were responsible with your credit, do the savings, make sure the bills get paid, create, plan and execute your dreams as a couple... that gets tiring for one person!

Is it possible to have everything you want in a partner? Well, depends on what you want. Make your list, and then read it to yourself. Does it sound like an unreasonable list? If not, does your partner fit it? What is he lacking? Look at him for who he is and not who you think he *could* be. What are the deltas? Are you willing to live without those things because he meets other needs you have (i.e. does little nice things for you)?

Maybe find one thing you two can do together that doesn't involve TV or drinking. Even if it's just yardwork or home improvement or cooking together once a month, do something together, just the two of you.

But, for now, while you are figuring these things out, stay out of sight of his friend. It will only confuse things, will make your partner look like he is lacking even more than he actually is, and will make this friend guy look like he has more than he actually does. If if for some reason you do slip and cheat, you've pretty much given your current relationship the kiss of death, whether your partner finds out about it or not. Keep that in mind.

November 12, 2002
12:38 pm
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spongebob
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My opinion, if it matters, is to let him know how you feel about the situation. Tell him how it would be nice to make some kind of compromises in the relationship. Let it be known you are thinking about a future with him.

November 17, 2002
2:54 am
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Anonymous
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Call me crazy if you'd like. I really think you both need to do some soul searching and decide what it is you both want out of a relationship. If you have wandering eyes. just remember something. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Sometimes it takes awhile before you really know someone. If you ever really do.

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