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Hi Starry, Christine, Smiles, Sunny and anyone else........
November 2, 2004
8:53 am
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Cactus
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Good morning all,
And Happy Election Day (I'm not big into politics so don't get started it just seemed like a nice thing to say). Today's kind of a so so day for me. While walking to the Park and Ride (I commute to work on the bus) I was listening to a song on my walkman by John Mayer called "Your Body is a Wonderland" and it made me so sad that I started getting all teary eyed (what a moron). I remembered reading a number of threads from others talking about how we romanticize about our ex's disregarding the bad things they did. Even though I felt stupid for my reaction this a.m. I did feel somewhat better just releasing some of that hurt and pain I guess I needed a good cry. Even though I hate when I do that (the man in me hates it the girl in me loves it) I'm glad that I haven't become so bitter and damaged that I can't feel. Even though sometimes it's very painful to feel these feelings at least I still feel.

I happened to be reading the thread from wireless_tech and that boy is having a very difficult time, drinking, vandalizing and generally getting into a world of trouble. I think today maybe we should all give him a bit of our strength/support before we see him on "America's Most Wanted". I never could do the drinking or drugging thing to forget my pain because both my parents were alcoholics and I'm sure there's a mutant gene in me just itching to get out. We all deal with our pain in different ways but no matter how we deal with it we don't need a wake up call from the cross-bar hotel to see the light. I'll be surgically attached to my desk today hope to hear from you all.

-Cactus

November 2, 2004
9:01 am
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CAMER
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Hi Cactus...glad to hear from you, and I love that song by John Mayer "your body is a wonderland" great tune...and yes, I too know how it feels listening to songs, especially love songs...the tears just flow and flow...but you know what
Cactus, crying is good, you have feelings and its good to show them, it truely does help in the healing process.

And yes, with Wireless Tech, i'll def. give him some support and check out how he is doing today. I kinda know the feelings he may went thru, drinking does take away the pain, just for the moment though, cuz you still have to wake up the next day and face the problems...thanks for being such a caring guy Cactus, and I hope your day gets a lil' better.

((((hugs and support from Camer))))

November 2, 2004
9:27 am
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Cactus
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Hi Cam,
Well thanks for the support. How are you doing today. What's new? This isn't a one way street. Sound off.

-Cactus

November 2, 2004
9:32 am
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Hey you two. Well, I actually have to WORK today. We took on a new market, New York, and we are looking at Ohio, Massachusetts and Indiana... so, Cristine is going to be a busy, busy girl today. Don't know if I'll be able to check back much today, so everyone have a great day!

Sorry to hear that you had a hard time this morning, Cactus. I am deeply emotional too, that is why I don't listen to music with WORDS in it! Classical music is about all I listen to... but then again, a cello sonata can drive me to tears! The melodramatic tone makes my heart ache! UGH

November 2, 2004
9:53 am
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Hi Cactus, things are going smoothly for me, I just started dating recently after taking a year and 7 months off to be alone, and get to know me better. I am just taking things one day at a time. I am picking up on the red flags of dating..the men with drug issues, gambling issues etc..had the same types in the past, and don't want that now. I am dating a nice sweet man now, its all new only a few months, so i am trying to stay balanced in life, with friends, family, my time, coda meetings, hobbies, etc and not just focus my whole world on HIM like i have done with men in the past, & what i see is what I get, i don't want to change men...so I decide now that I either like them or I don't.

Hope your work day is going ok...mine is kinda slow right...but I am sure will busy later this afternoon.

November 2, 2004
9:57 am
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Hi Cactus....Hope your morning is going good. Sometimes a good cry is a good thing....I have great trouble with romancizing my ex.....but it is just lying to myself....

So, my car alternator died this morning...I am so frusturated....I don't have the money, nor the energy to deal with this.

Besides the car, I am feeling good.....feeling back to where I was a bit...not so sad.

Glad to have you on this site...

November 2, 2004
10:31 am
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Starry... hang in there girl. AND, don't let the mechanics gouge you. Depending on what kind of car you have, alternators are very easy to change out! I've changed out mine, and several friends. And, heck, it impresses the men! You find the alternator, remove the belt, there is usually only one bolt connecting it to the engine block... ugh, I didn't remind you to disconnect your car battery! Hope you didn't electrocute yourself by running out and changing it before reading this! HA... They will charge you an arm and a leg at the auto shop, but if you get one at Advanced Auto, they usually only run about 80$ or so, and you get a core charge fee back when you return your old one... why let the auto shop get the core charge that is rightfully YOURS? Then, you reconnect the belt, and off you go! OH... remember to again reconnect your battery! :o)

Hey, I'm having a hard time today too. I feel like a shmuck, but I have to admit that I checked his email yesterday... just to feel CLOSSSEEEE to him! And, I'm irritated today because I sent that email apologizing for hurting him in any way... although I didn't WANT a response back, I'm still irritated he DIDN'T respond. AND, ok, as long as I'm doing my weekly confessional, I've been checking his calendar and I drove by his house... it was on the way, but I could have gone another way, even though it added time to my drive. UGH God, I hate being codependent. OK, so I am sitting here talking about my boundaries, yet I'm violating his all over the place. Whether he knows I am or not, I am... and whether he's EXPRESSELY told me not to check his calendar, drive by, or check his email... it's still a violation. I don't want to be with him, but I still want to know what he's doing... how icky is that! OKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKOK... I won't check his email anymore (personal, not work email), I won't check his calendar, and I won't drive by his house, even if it IS on the way. No more email to him, and no more stressing that he hasn't written when I don't WANT him to.

I'm going to totally focus on work today, with the exception of coming here and righfully getting my hand slapped! I deserve a brain flush or something...

November 2, 2004
10:48 am
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Yah, if he didn't write you back..then he must not really want to contact you. I know that is a harsh reality, but it is reality.

Are you going through the " I don't wnat him, but I don't want anyone else to have him" thing?

I so admire you...and I really think you deserve someone who loves you back.

I was checking my ex's email and messages forever. I finally changed his paswords, so he would have to re set them up, so I couldn't check them anymore. It was the only way I knew to get out of it.

Why do we think about them all the time, and they don't think about us...I hate that too.

November 2, 2004
10:49 am
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Besides, if you are doing all that checking up on him stuff..then he wins, because you are losing your dignity...and we don't want him to win.....You are the winner...He is the Loser, for losing you!!!!!!

November 2, 2004
11:13 am
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Thanks, Starry. I am losing my dignity, every time I do those things. I feel icky even thinking about doing them, I feel icky when I'm doing them, and I feel icky after doing them. All around just icky! And I don't WANT him back... I guess my way of justifying it to myself has been that I'm not really CONTACTING him... but it's not right not matter how I try to justify it, and I'm still just hurting myself.

November 2, 2004
11:27 am
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right on Starry!!! remember Cristine, he is the loser!! not you...and trust me, i have done all of that b4, deep down you know you don't like him, but still wonder about him, that is normal...it takes time, keep yourself busy at work, and dont check on him!!! let him go!!! alot easier said than done, I know!!! hope you have a good rest of the day!

(((camer))))

November 2, 2004
11:32 am
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How come no one says Hi Aces. Man : )

November 2, 2004
11:55 am
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Hi sweet Aces!!!!!

November 2, 2004
12:21 pm
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Hey Christine,
I wanted to mention to you yesterday that I didn't think it was a really good thing to send that e-mail to your ex because everytime you do you get sucked back into the "I need to have some contact with him blues" then the obsession starts all over again (case in point).

You know it's interesting no matter how intellegent and well versed we assume we are the common thread of co-dependency runs through our very core.

One thing I've noticed about you Christine (observation I've made of you over the last few months) is that you're a woman of extremes. When you falter (like you have right now) you have a tendency to beat yourself up. When you're strong and convicted you want to shout it to the world that you are women hear me roar and I'm not going to take it anymore.

Even though I know your friend hurt you (you lash out with your superior wit and vocabulary) you used the situation as an excuse to justify getting in touch with your ex to relay a story to him about her I'm not even sure he was aware of or even cared about. Unfortunately if I was him I'd be concern as to why you felt I needed to know this. I normally try not to get on the rollercoaster of emotions if at all possible because it has a tendency to drain me.(I'm not saying you have to be like me I'm just making a point). I don't know about you but I don't need to add anymore stress to my life than need be.

I'm sure you probably read one of my last threads whereby I p/u an appreciation award for my ex at a luncheon I attended yesterday. I didn't call her to tell her I picked it up for her I just put it into an inter-office envelope and sent it to her. More than likely she won't even acknowledge the act of kindness which I will admit deep down I'd like her to but does that make me weak for doing that no, or for feeling the way I do no not at all. The things I do I'd do anyway so I never went out of my way to convince someone I'm a worthy human being I already know that. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that you spend a lot of your time rationalizing and reasoning about your ex and why he's a bastard instead of just saying things didn't work out, I'm not a bad person and neither is he. That thing about "detaching in love" is a very hard thing and at times I struggle with it to but the more I try and assign blame the more I'm stuck in the roller coaster of emotions which I don't know about you but I'm getting sick of.

Just food for thought Christine, I know you're a very passionate person (contrary to what you might be willing to admit) but why not try something new. You've tried the "I hate him he's a bad person" approach and that didn't make you feel any better, you've tried the "I am women hear me roar, I will never be used like that again" approach and that didn't work as you thought it would. Why not try the " I give up" approach. Surrender Christine feel the feelings you need to feel hurt, pain, anguish, hate (any ones I've missed) and know that doesn't make you weak on the contrary it makes you a stronger person to be able to recognize these feeling no matter how painful and deal with them as they come.

Now Christine I know your first reaction is to shoot off a very well worded response showing me the error of my thinking but you don't have to this isn't a competition there doesn't need to be any winners or losers I'm just being a friend telling you in the most straight forward compassionate way I can how much I care about you and only want the best for you and all of us.

You and Starry who I feel I am most close with on this site have taken a little step backwards in your recovery but nothing to drastic that we can't fix but I think I'm getting a little nervous that my 2 major pillars of support are starting to lose their stability and I don't want to falter myself so we've all got to get back on the road to recovery. Are you girls with me?

-Cactus

November 2, 2004
12:29 pm
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HI STARRY, how are you doing? Have you had any contact from him?

November 2, 2004
12:32 pm
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Cactus-

You are so cool. Your ideas were very well put. The only problem I have with it, and this applies to me, maybe not everyone is, I am a kind hearted person...I wouldn't want to hurt people generally, but I can't detach in love. If I don't stay angry and mad at my ex, I find myself sad again wishing things worked out..etc..blah blah blah.

I find the only time I am ok with the current situation, is when I think about what a jerk he was to me. I don't let my anger affect any other part of my life...but I can't be nice about him, cause I was last week, then I called him and well you know the rest.

Do you think I am bad for being angry?

November 2, 2004
1:08 pm
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Cactus
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Starry,
Hey little one I think people misconstrue the term "Detach in Love". I don't think after what he did to you would make anyone say "Oh I love him even though he cr*pped on me" I think what is meant by the term is dislike the behavior of the person not necassarily the person. I know though it becomes difficult to seperate the act from the person and this is where we learn to be a bigger, better more caring individuals after living and growing through this adversity.

I sometimes think that dysfunctions such as substance abuse , gambling, sex and relationship addictions that people engage in to "not feel" is way worse than any of the bad things we can ever wish upon them. It's okay to hate him if you need to but as kind of a person as I've come to know you to be carrying around all that hate does more damage to you then him and if he knew you still hated him that much who win? I just find that when I hate it makes my heart race my stomach hurt and gives me a general feeling of discontentment.

Like I've said before what is your hate going to do to them they haven't already done to themselves. What do you think?

-Cactus

November 2, 2004
1:11 pm
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Cactus... nah, I don't think he's a bad person, and I am not, contrary to what her letter to me said, going around bashing him at work. I talked to HER about him... and she used that conversation against me. I didn't even comment on her letter to her. I didn't argue, disagree, nothing. I let it go. it wasn't about her just hurting my feelings or disagreeing with my opinion, it was the calling me names. I've gotten over people not agreeing with my opinion. Too many people and too many opinions to think that everyone is going to agree with me or like what I say. I didn't take that personally, just as I don't take it personally that you have your opinion too. I'm here because I'm soliciting opinions. Who am I to jump on anyone for giving them to me? It was her calling me names that I had an issue with and established the boundary on and the behavior I refused to accept. Hell, I'm Italian Scorpio... do you know how loud and heated conversations in my family are? If I took them all personally for having a different opinion or saying something that hurt my feelings, I'd be an orphan right now. Healthy expression of opinion and disagreement is one thing, calling me names is entirely another.

To him, I apologized, and let him know that I was no longer talking to her not because I thought he'd care, but because he has gone to her in the past (recently) about how to deal with the issues that he and I have and what she thought he should do, because he thought that she and I were close. I did make a request that he not discuss our relationship with her further because we had decided to terminate our friendship. I don't care if he still talks to her, my letter was more to apologize, but to still reiterate that I didn't want to have contact with him. I didn't give reasons for the friendship ending, or talk about her in any way. The letter wasn't about her, it was about me apologizing, there wasn't a need to get into anything else or the whys and who said whats. None of it mattered and was off-point.

Believe me... I have RARELY done the "I am woman, hear me roar" thing... with him, I put up with so much for 3 1/2 years that I finally stood up for myself because I HAD to, it was killing me. I'd gained 52 pounds in 7 months in an attempt to 'stuff' my voice and feelings. I established boundaries there, which I hadn't done before, and when he crossed them (by calling me names again, etc...) I removed myself from the situation. Same thing with the friend. I established a boundary, expressed my boundary, expressed the consequences for crossing those boundaries, asked her for her boundaries since I'd obviously crossed them and was sorry I had and didn't want to do it again, and when she refused to accept my boundaries or give any of her own, I followed through with what I said I was going to do. Didn't argue, didn't fight back, didn't roar in any way. I thanked her for her past friendship, told her I was sorry the relationship was unable to continue, and told her I'd consider her opinions about me for my future dealings with others and thanked her for them also. I did not, however, allow her to continue calling me names, or comment on the names she'd called me. That would have been un necessary and too dramatic for me.

I'm DEEPLY passionate. I won't claim I'm not. I'm very hurt, and sad, that these relationships didn't work out. I'm hurt and sad that in establishing boundaries that sometimes you lose friends and even relationships. But, I will not go back to the way I was before, where I let people walk all over me, call me names, insult me, belittle me, or make reasons when they do that it's ok for them to do so. I'll apologize for my mistakes, which I did both with her, and with him, but I will not allow them to violate my boundaries the way I've allowed for so many years.

You are right about the contact blues.. and this too shall pass. And you are correct about the beating myself up. I do that in this case with him. Remembering how I feel now will maybe help me avoid doing it in the future... not to mention that I took Zinnie's advice and now have a rubber band on my arm that I've snapped more than once today when I thought about looking at his calendar! SNAP!!!

You aren't the first who has called me an extremist... my mother says it all the time... except when it comes to my relationships. She, in this case, went through the whole thing with me last year where I lost 40 pounds in two months when he and I broke up, the therapy, the medication, the constant crying, the depression... and when I FINALLY came to my senses and said, "What the hell am I allowing people to treat me like this for in my relationships?" She said, "OH, there you are, I wondered what you'd done with my daughter!" I don't let STRANGERS treat me with disrespect, am very strong in my family, but in my personal relationships and friendships, I have more of a tendency to give and give and suffer in silence then set boundaries and follow through with consequences. This is the first time that I've set them, and although it's painful now, I do believe it's going to be for the best. It hasn't failed yet because it's the first time I've ever done it. :o)

November 2, 2004
1:26 pm
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Cactus....I see your point...I don't hate him. He doesn't think I hate him....I just can't think of him in a pleasent manner...If I think about the times he said nice things to me...then I find myself hating myself for losing him.

I don't have hate in my heart for him...I just like to think of the mean things...Oh, I don't know.

Now I am confussed.

November 2, 2004
3:08 pm
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Hi Everyone!!!

Coming in late, I've been out shopping! How is everyones afternoon going? Cactus, chained to the desk ey? Well heck! Thats no good! (((ACES))) HELLO!!! Wow there are lots of posts today!

I'll be in and out!

Sunny

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