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Good morning Starry, Christine, Camer, Sunny Art Angel, Kathygy and anyone else.........
November 10, 2004
9:55 am
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Cactus
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Hi AA,
Don't you ever believe you're not going to find someone and be happy. Do you realize you are way ahead of the curve as far as being introspective. I was 30 years old before I realize the only common denominator in my dysfunctional relationships was me so I had to try and change that. Granted it took a while to figure out my "partner chooser" was broken and needed repair but when I did it at least made it easier to attend to the red flags I would have previously ignored. It doesn't mean I didn't engage in these bad relationships (sometimes they were just so cute I couldn't help myself) anyway but at least there were no misgivings as to why the relationships didn't work.

Another thing I think you have going for you is you're educated (you're in college if my memory serves me). While education isn't the be all and end all it does affords you the ability to be more discriminative in your dealings with people (as long as you choose to do so) you will learn to question others as well as your own motives for you actions and behaviors and hopefully deal with inconsistencies appropriately when they arrise.

Trying to dissect what relationships are for will not supply you with the answer you want. Healthy relationships are what makes all the bad ones worth it because they tell us what we don't want and better prepare us for what we truly want and deserve. I sometimes think if all of us on this site run down the qualities and characteristics of all the prospective people we choose to have relationships with (with everyone at the site)we could alleviate a whole lot of pain. But is that really realistic Hell no!! So I guess it's up to us as individuals to get as healthy as we can and muddle through. I think you're doing a wonderful job. Don't get down honey there's someone right around the corner that's gonna rock your world and you his he just doesn't know it yet.

Have a great morning.

-Cactus

November 10, 2004
10:12 am
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Hey Starry,
Good morning little one. You know if this clown (sorry, don't mean to be insensitive) really cared about you even if he's stuck in his situation he would at least try to be nice to you when you call but it doesn't appear he's capable of such behavior. Why you constantly feel the need to immerse youself in such a quagmire of pain and hurt is truly god's own little mystery (you know I love ya babe).

As co-dependents we all had some incident(s) in our childhood that got us to believing that if we tried really, really hard we could "make" someone (usually unavailable parents) care for us the way we wanted to but because we never did we've taken that skewed since of loyality into our relationships and try again to live out this never ending drama with our partners. It took all those years to get that dysfunctional it's going to take at least as long if not longer to change such ingrained behaviors. Just my take on things.

I'm always here for you (unconditionally). I may not like what you do to yourself but it will never make you a bad person in my eyes or make me think any less of you. I'm imagining you smiling alot today, liking yourself and staying away from that damn phone, don't make a liar of me. Take care babe & write when you feel inclined

-Cactus

November 10, 2004
10:19 am
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Morning Everyone!

I hope you all are having a great day thus far! Just wanted to say hello and I'm thinking of you all..

Hugs,

Sunny

November 10, 2004
10:46 am
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Hi Sunny,
If you want to have that talk (I read the "molestation thread" you asked me to). I'm all ears babe, just let me know. No pressure.

-Cactus

November 10, 2004
11:00 am
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CAMER
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HI everyone, just wanted to pop in and say hi, thinking of you all and hope your day is going good!

((with love, hugs and support)))

November 10, 2004
11:10 am
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Hi everyone...I have been reading the course of this thread and I find you are doing alot in the way of digging into the why of relationship choices.

I think I finally figured this out for me. My dad was very emotionally unavailable. When I was 16 he came out of the closet and so, I think there are abandonment issues too.

My first husband was the replacement father. He controlled the relationship even though I justified everything. But as I grew I realizes I needed out. By this time, it is 20 years and three children later. I had to have the faith my kids would be ok and they are. This was the most real experience I have ever had with faith. Gave me an intimate understanding of a concept I knew my whole life!

My second husband was the father image. Totally unavailable emotionally bnut I loved him so. Still do but I am wise enough to know, I do not want to be with this person who negates my needs. I felt totally abandoned on many occasions and our relationship was only four 1/2 years young!!!! I knew when he didn't come home the night before our wedding I was in trouble! I married him anyway and learned quite a bit from the experience. I do love him but he loves me in the only way he is capable./ I'm not sure what that is but I know it doesn't address my needs at all!

Now, I am on my own for the first time in my 46 years. I still am attracted to men that are tooyoung for me. My last ex was 34 and a guy I am currently dating is 34 also. I am trying to figure out why I am afraid to look for a guy my own age? My dad was very youthful and fun loving but not the most responsible. Seems like there is a clue huh?

Any input would certainly be appreciated!

November 10, 2004
11:41 am
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Hi Cactus,

Well, what do I do? How do I overcome these feelings? I mean, now my whole family is being crappy about it because they all believe him and get this: My sis too and she knows better! So basically I have no contact with them. I have given them many chances to discuss this to no avail. Thank you for reading that! BTW..AZ State rocks! I know a few people who went there too.

Sunny

November 10, 2004
3:11 pm
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Cactus...You always know what to say to make me smile....Thanks!!

I don't know why I have these lapses of being dumb and contacting him...he is such a jerk anyways....Who knows..lonliness I guess. Oh well, today is a good day. I am pretty happy and keeping busy.

How are you? Any new songs? How is the band?

We are suppose to have snow here tonight...I wouldn't mind being in AZ right now 🙂
I actually like snow.

Hey where is Cristine been? Am I just missing her posts?

I will keep posting on this thread just so we can keep up to date, if you will.

OH, my ex's friend has been calling me....he is actually my friend too...kind of an interesting twist. Don't worry though,,,I am not going to go there....it is just kind of nice to get a bit of attention.

Love ya all!!!

November 10, 2004
5:00 pm
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Hey Sunny,
Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you some days I have to actually work (how annoying). In regards to your family ignoring you if they're anything like my family no love lost but if they mean alot to you recite the "Serenity Prayer". In other words you have no control over their response so stop beating yourself over the head trying to "control" how they think it is a losing proposition.

One thing I came to realize quite a long time ago was that even though I was ready to deal with my family of origin dysfunction (alcoholisim, Catholisim, and child abuse issues) my family (especially my alcoholic parents) weren't ready and probably never will be. I've tried talking to my mother (parents have been divorced since I was 2 and have only seen my father 5 times in my entire life) about how I felt and the abuse I suffered at her hands but the guilt that she harbors is so unbearable that if she ever opened "pandoras box" to truthfully and honestly deal with what she did the guilt would literally kill her so it's easier to act as though it (and my feelings) don't exist.

I know I'm probably not telling you anything you don't already know but I don't want you beating your head against the wall trying to "make' people see the truth they aren't ready to deal with. I had to get myself to a place whereby I was okay with me. It's very frustrating to want your parent(s) to just say "I'm sorry". My mother once did and this is how it went "I'm sorry, alright are you better now". Trust me I felt worse after that then if she had just not said anything. Sometimes we need to take care to repair our own damaged psyche (as best we can) and just hope everyone can do the same on their own terms. The best conversation I'm ever going to have with my parents is at their grave site because they'll finally listen to me.

Sometimes we just have to be happy with with knowing the truth because we're no longer in the dark. Not everybody is where we're at today but god willing some day before they get dirt thrown over their head they'll figure it out. Just my take.

-Cactus

November 10, 2004
5:07 pm
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Hey Camer,
Didn't mean to ignore you babe just needed to make sure I got with Sunny before I left for the weekend (I have Thur and Fri off). I'm doing good no real hurdles in my life just happy to hear you're doing good. Have a great Thursday off (if you're fortunate enough to get it off).

-Cactus

November 10, 2004
5:26 pm
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Hey Starry,
What's the deal with the ex's friend? If this is "exercise" you have in mind so be it but make sure you fully know what you're doing. if you're doing it to make the ex jealous you'll have to live with the aftermath and his friend will more than likely lose your ex as a friend. Just make sure the end justifies the means.

I'm doing good. The song writing is going slow I only seem to have inspiration when I'm sad but I'm trying to change my outlook and lighten up my repertoire. The band is good we've been on hiatus for 2 weeks because the keyboard player and his wife are in the Bahamas and won't be back until next Weds. We've got 3 gigs in the month of December we'll be gearing up for so I'm getting a little psyched. We haven't performed since the first part of November.

In regards to that girl I was trying to hook up with I wrote my friend who tried to set us up and advised her that she didn't respond and she made some inquiries and found out that the girl got my message and is planning on calling me this week. I don't know about you but when someone (a prospective hook up) calls me returning the call a day or two is probably appropriate but not a week. I advised my friend I wasn't in the mood to go through any more relationship drama. My friend wants me to give this girl a chance but I can't see very clearly with the red flag in my face. I'll keep you advised on this saga.

I haven't heard from Christine maybe she got hammered at work who knows. I'll be off Thur and Fri you may not hear from me until Monday but I'm still with you in spirit little one. Be safe.

-Cactus

November 10, 2004
5:45 pm
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hi everyone, I am still at work!! dedication!! but yes 2morrow I am off. I am going to put on my "courage cap" on Friday and talk with my guy about the relationship, not sure what I am feeling, in a way I do, but I am going to be honest, that is the best, and whatever happens with the outcome, so be it, I know I will be honest, I have come so far with this codependency, I sure as hell am not going to fall backwards. I think of the day that I literally lost my
boyfriend to suicide, that was the worst!! and talking to this new guy should not be any problem to do....I will be strong and I will give you all an update too! i promise!!!

Cactus, you have yourself a blast this weekend, you deserve it!!!

Sunny, Cristine, Starry, ArtAngel, Kathy and all else, hope you chickies are doing well, keep up the good work on "working on you" know that you all mean so much to be & with helping me get stronger.

Back to work for me!!!

I love you all!!! (((hugs and support)))) for the whole AAC board group!!!!

November 10, 2004
5:46 pm
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Hey workinonit,
Wow you've got the whole thing figured out already. Recognizing that you look for a certain "type" of individual is half the battle but not the hardest part that is changing that behavior.

I too keep finding my mother in everyone of my relationships with pretty much the same result. I can't fix them (no matter how hard I try), they dump me (but of course blaming me for the entire demise of the relationship) then I go on a downward emotional spiral for about a year. Then I build back up my self- esteem then find another dysfuctional relationship and the merry-go-round continues to move. Pretty crappy existance if you ask me. You seem to be on that same ride. I hate it.

You sound way, way to smart to keep up this pace. I don't necassarily think age is the issue because I've found some very old souls in some very young bodies I think your has more to do with their maturity. Maybe it's something you should explore further. Finding a guy your own age is not the goal but finding one your equal in emotinal maturity now that's the ticket. What do you think.

-Cactus

November 10, 2004
5:48 pm
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Hey Camer,
Good luck with your talk babe. You're going to be fine. Have a great weekend.

-Cactus

November 10, 2004
6:34 pm
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Hey you guys,

You're lucky if you have tomorrow off, I have school. Cactus thanks for your reply to my post. I think I too look for a certain type of individual to date, and it's usually someone who's goofy, really funny, fun loving and thus, tends to be immature. I know that's not necessarily always the case, but it has been for me so far. I haven't found a good one yet. 🙁

I'm feeling OK today, but there's also that "going through the motions" type of feeling hovering over me. Augh. Oh well.

Camer, Starry, Sunny, Kathy, Cristine, and workin, hope you all have a wonderful night. hugs to all!

love and support always,

art angel

November 11, 2004
3:19 pm
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Hi everyone, it's veteran's day and I am working:( My tooth is killing me and I wish I could go but alas, no more time until January 1....

Cactus, this is quite the harem here...so funny in a codep sort of way but here I am too!!! Plus, you seem to have a way of making each person feel special in their own right. Talent dear sir talent.

Ok so, now I am too smart to go on like this and you know what? I agree. I am realizing it's time to raise the bar as it were! So what am I afraid of? Can anyone offer me insight into this question? One element is of being controlled. One is being not good enough but I AM GOOD ENOUGH I sure could use some insight in to this next chapter because I am on the brink and I don't want to jump unprepared! Help!!!

November 11, 2004
10:19 pm
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working....you are a great gal, a wonderful gal, a smart gal, a happy gal, a friendly gal, need I say more!!!! believing in yourself helps with coda, knowing that you are worth it helps, and never settle for 2nd best.....

Ok, where is Sunny, did I miss something on the thread that was sent out last nite on the liberation brew..under "sunny speaking to...."
not sure what happend...I started a new thread on the support group thread, and I want her back, I miss her...lets get some support going for her. Not sure what is up!!

I love you all & thanks for making this group that much better!!!!!

(((hugs prayers and peace to all))) camer

November 13, 2004
11:01 am
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(((morning everyone))) snow here in MA, about 6"!!! yuck!!

Ok, I talked to my guy last nite, honestly and openly, and it went well, I guess the anticipation of not wanting to hurt his feelings etc...got me bogged down. I just talked with him about me and him and if we are compatible. We do get along, he just seems more of a TV person, but when he is with me, he said he like to "do" things, not watch tv...I guess I overestimated his TV wathching, and maybe wanted to stazt chaos. He told me to take things "one day at a time" and
respects me working on me, and respects my boundaries, of wanting to
have friends, family, my time in my life and not have my world revolve areound him. He was so cool!!! He even woke up today and shoveled my entire driveway, walkway and the back porch for the dogs..how nice..He does do other things than just sitting downstairs and watching TV..he could have this morn, but he chose to do the shoveling, and I guess if the circumstances arise, he does do other things in his life...I guess I was just focusing too much on his TV watching. I don't know what
my future holds, I do know I was upfront and honest with him, and he respects all that I said,....so for now I am going to relax, enjoy his
company, and him...and take things a day at a time.

Off to hang out with my friends now...will be back on later....so
my talk went well, and things are going well, and I never should have
labeled my guy "boring" he does like to do stuff.

(((love and hugs to all)))) camer

November 15, 2004
8:56 am
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Good Morning All,
I hope everyone had a great weekend. I have been off work since Thursday and of course I have training today (again). Hey sound off everyone. Four (4) days of being away from you guys has got me Jonesing big time.

-Cactus

November 15, 2004
9:05 am
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Morning Cactus!

LOL, Jonesing ey? Never heard that one. Howz it going?

Sunny

November 15, 2004
9:11 am
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Mornin' All! Had a great weekend. I went to the hotel, even though my daughter was grounded (she chose to be grounded for 2 more days, instead of not going). We spent the weekend swimming, watching tv, went to a party at a friend's house, and went to Colonial Williamsburg yesterday. I invited a friend to come stay with us at the hotel on Saturday night, so my daughter had someone to be goofy with. Back to work today, and NOT in the mood to be here! UGH, oh well. How are you all doing?

November 15, 2004
9:28 am
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Hey Sunny,
Too many years in the substance abuse field Jonesing i.e "slang term for suffering withdrawal of any type of sustance" {usually Heroin})
I'm doing great had a nice quiet weekend with my neice, went to a few yard sales, puttered around the yard. Nothing too earth shattering just the way I like it. Hope you're doing better. If I don't yak at you today I'll check in tomorrow. I'm off to training.

-Cactus

November 15, 2004
9:29 am
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Hey Christine,
Glad your weekend went well. I'm off to trainng now. Check in with you later.

-Cactus

November 15, 2004
1:48 pm
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hi everyone...Cactus I have heard of "Jonesing" b4...that means kinda being in a fog and thinking alot or not thinking at all!!! Sunny, thats a real (slang word) Jonesing.

How was everyones weekend, mine was grrrrrrrrreeeat!!!

Cactus, glad you had a nice weekend, did ya buy anything good at the yard sales???

Cristine, a nice lil getaway, again, you lucky gal.

Glad to see much posting going on here.....wishing you all a great day!! with lotsa love and hugs.

November 15, 2004
4:13 pm
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LOL...Hi Camer Well, I might have heard of it, not sure must have been a very long time ago! I'll have to ask my ex hubby, he certainly would know.

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