Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
GF Advice
October 14, 2005
10:54 am
Avatar
overcome
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have posted on here over the last couple of years and it has always helped me. Through a searation and a divorce and other srama surrounding it.

Well, I need everyone's help again! My GF and I were hanging out at my house with her 2 kids and my 3 kids. Things were going fine.

Well earlier that day her son had fallen and, her being overprotective, decided to take him to the hospital....everything was fine.

About 20 mins prior to the fall, she tried to call her X to see if any of his family would watch her 2 yr old son while she took their 8 year old to cheerleading. He was on vacation out of state and never called back.

Then later that night, about 10PM he calls my phone and very politely asks to speak to her. I hand the phone to her and he goes off-cursing obscenities and all. My children were present, as were hers and it created a big uproar in the house. To be honest, I got so upset that I was beside myself.

The following Monday, I went with her to drop off her kids. I got out of the car and I began to tell him never to call my phone, upset my kids or talk to her that way. He tells me to get off of his property. She loses it and spits in his face. I was in disbelief. I figured I would argue with him, but that I did not foresee. On top of that, she wanted me to beat this guy up. Well, I am in my 30's, I have kids and my xw would love to see me get arrrested so she can try to never let me see my kids. I have a good job and I do not need that aggrivation and he is not worth it.

The thing that most upset me is that about a month ago, we went out with my brother and his GF. My brother got drunk and was jealous of my new jeep and he started an argument with me. It got heated. Well, instead of fighting with my brother, I walked away and I told him I would not fight him because we were brothers. Maybe I should have, but I am glad I did not. Well, my GF got mad at me for the fight like I started it. Then when that tirade was over, she made me feel like I was less of a man for not fighting. She said something like "he was so angry, he would have killed you". That made me feel like she thinks I am pathetic.

Anyway, I was upset that she did that. Her kids were in the car and saw this and it was wrong. Since then, she has been acting like I should have fought "for her". I wxplained that it was not worth it. Trust me, I am a bodybuilder and I outweigh this guy by like 50 lbs. IT would not be much of a fight. I just really did not think what I could potentially lose was worth it.

This morning she starts with well you should at least say something to him. I explained that she basically took care of it. Nothing has happened since then. Why start again. She starts saying how she is going to tell her friend that will get someone to hurt him...I got mad because this again is uncalled for and it made me feel like I am not doing my part as a man to protect/defend her. I left and went to work.

I do love her and I want to be with her. But I feel like she does not respect me as a man and I cannot jeopardize my job or losing my children over anything. For a while I was drinking too often and I changed my life and I been living right. My children are my top priority and I live for them first. I don't think at my age I should be in the street fighting.

I really need some advice.

October 14, 2005
11:01 am
Avatar
lita
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

overcome, i had to post when i seen it was you iam on my way out the door but i was so worried about you i havent heard from you in so long i got worried. i was hoping all was well with you. i would like to talk more to you i will post back here again iam so glad to here from you iam sorry things are not going so well for you right now. iam glad your back . i will post back to you soon.

October 14, 2005
11:08 am
Avatar
overcome
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hey Lita,

Likewise. I hope all is well with you. I look forward to your input.

October 14, 2005
11:17 am
Avatar
geminismiles
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow, I sm sorry for all of the drama that you are going through. It sounds to me like you are setting your boundaries and sticking to them and that is an admairal - ? (my spelling is terrible) quality. It is not "your job" to fight anyone's battles for them. Defending her "honor" so to speak at your expense is not right, but I think you already know that. I have a feeling that this will blow over but continue to stick to your boundaries. If she can't respect your boundaries then she's not respecting you no matter if you fight for her or not. Hope that helps a little. gem

October 14, 2005
11:21 am
Avatar
darby
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi, Overcome
I haven't been coming here long and don't know anything about your history, but it sounds to me like you did just the right thing. It was very mature, controlled and sensible for you to refuse to fight. I don't know your GFs history or where she got the idea that you have to fight to be a man. Please don't use her (incorrect) opinion to measure yourself. You sound like you have your priorities straight. Maybe she could work on her anger issues? Meanwhile, keep making the choices you have been. If it comes down to it, would you choose to please your angry GF or keep your kids & job?

October 14, 2005
11:22 am
Avatar
overcome
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It is not even so much fighting for her honor. I think it is more or less the fact that as a 30 something year old adult with kids, I should not be fighting unless it is to defend myself. In essence, fighting him would jeopardize so much, including my kids.

I did not agree with her spitting on him and, to be honest, nothing has happened since. As far as I am concenred, she addressed it in her way and he got the message. Not sure why I should even stir it up any further.

October 14, 2005
11:24 am
Avatar
overcome
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Then she adds "well he must be sitting there laghing and thinking that I (me) think all those bad things he said are true if I did not do anything to him for it.

I guess he figures he is allowed to talk to me that way".

October 14, 2005
11:38 am
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

overcome,

I agree with everything said here. You are MORE of a man by refusing to become physically violent. It sounds like you have a good value system.

It really doesn't matter what her ex thinks about you or about her. Your gf needs to detach from her ex and not need to prove anything to him. She would be using you to try to prove something to him.

I think you are right in not increasing the negativity and anger with the ex. You have the right to protect yourself from an abusive person because that is exactly what you would get from this man. He is not mature and rational.

I think your gf was wrong to spit on her ex. Hopefully that will be a one time thing.

It sounds like she needs to deal with her anger at her ex and not try to pull you into her anger. Calling a friend to beat up her ex is very manipulative of her to try to pull you in.

Hold your ground.

October 14, 2005
11:46 am
Avatar
glittered when he walked
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dude,

Violence would NOT be the answer. You did the right thing. What would violence have solved other than getting arrested and perhaps sued.

Frankly, the fact that your g/f judges you for not being violent is alarming to me.

October 14, 2005
11:56 am
Avatar
mrdibbs
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi,You have done the right thing.Being aggressive solves nothing.Your GF has obviously been hurt in the past and she needs to deal with this and she also wants to get help regarding her aggression and why she feels the only way to solve problems is to hit out.She may feel insecure in your relationship and by asking you to lash out at people who hurt her is to show her you love her.
Of course this is totaly wrong.I would suggest talking with her about any insecurities she may have within your relationship,reassure her of your feelings for her but also let her know that it takes more of a man to walk away from heated situations than one who beats the crap out of someone just to prove himself.

October 14, 2005
11:58 am
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

you are a good man for not fighting....and you're not an immature 18 yo who may get away with fighting.

I think any man, in his 30's who is mature with children would not fight, and just walk away. You are not a kid and behaved in a good manner. And you hold your values high, placing yourself and your kids first over a silly fight that would not have gained anything, except, assault and battery and being put in jail.

Maybe your gf has own issues and wants to stir up some drama with you by edging you fight or call your brother back....really, its not her
say in what should go on.

You seem like a very upstanding man with boundaries.....i just wish others in your life would respect them.

(((camer))

October 14, 2005
1:36 pm
Avatar
lita
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

overcome, I to think you did the right thing by not getting in a fight with this person. My husband is like the other guy he always wants to get into a fight with somebody. and it never mattered if our 2 sons were around or not. it used to bother me so much when we were together because i would be thinking i dont want my boys to think it is ok to hit people if your mad. i mean i dont think it is ever ok. how do you think this relationship you have with your girlfriend is going? does she treat you right you the way you deserve to be treated. iam sorry , i know i dont know you but i know you have helped me out with your kind words. i wish you well. and i hope your family is well, keep being the great dad you are. your one of the few good men.

October 14, 2005
2:04 pm
Avatar
overcome
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you all for your responses. Lita- Thank you and it is nice to hear from you again.

My GF is a wonderful, kind woman that would do almost anything for anyone. However, admittedly, she has issues with stress and cannot handle it. She makes horrible decisions and flies off the handle when stressed.
It is truly a Jeckyl and Hyde situation.

I have given it so much thought lately about how to handle it. Should I leave or try to work through it....not sure. I want to work through it because I believe in her. She has agreed to go on medication to regulate her moods and try to keep her calm overall.

I wrote her a letter the other night to address some of the things that have been bothering me. She read it but did not address it at all (minimally at best). This is typical behavior for her. I am not ery needy and I am not one that requires a ton of attention, but she seems to give nothing.

I am really confused with all this. I want it to work, but it feels like its not going to at this point.

October 14, 2005
2:35 pm
Avatar
roseinbloom
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

you are right not to fight: resorting to this would be immature and risky!!!!

It sounds as though she needs help dealing with HER anger issues. Your description of her behavior makes it sound as though at some point she could become abusive, to you, her kids or your kids. If it were me I would state that you love her but for herself, you and for the sake of these 5 kids she needs to get help (not just pills) so she can manage her stress in a more mature fashion. If she refuses I would say you have to cut it off -- for the sake of your children and your emotional and physical health (who knows, she could try starting a fight between you and some guy one night and get you shot!)

October 14, 2005
3:04 pm
Avatar
kathygy
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

overcome,

I agree with everything said here about not fighting.

However, you say your gf is "wonderful, kind woman that would do almost anything for anyone", except you? You say you aren't needy but she gives you nothing!

She doesn't sound very wonderful to me. You deserve to have your needs met, you deserve love and attention and to be taken seriously by your gf.
You wrote her a letter and she didn't even give it serious thought! That is a very big deal. You deserve to be heard.

While, you're deciding whether to go or stay give a lot of thought to your needs and the fact that they are not being met by this woman. It seems you need to look at her more realistically for what she really is and for what is lacking in your relationship, a lot.

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
30
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110922
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38536
Posts: 714206
Newest Members:
Corties, patrickstayes, kevinkovalsky, izzy39, RoyFollman, kevin021
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer