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gemini2
December 9, 2002
5:05 am
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I sit here at a loss. I have alot of baggage. I am guessing I am co-dependent. I have been married 3 times and have had numerous relationships. All my husbands or live in's have been here with me and my 2 kids in this house. I have been divorced for 2 years now. (longest ever). I have a 20 year old daughter and a 16 year old son. My daughter is in college. Here is my problem. (I am a 42 year old female by the way.) My problem is that I feel that I have really finally found someone. We have known each other a couple of months, and see each other on weekends. He comes here. We have alot in common. He has alot to offer, besides himself. He has a good steady job, a beautifull home, all the things I have ever wanted. Our plan has been if we work out, then I would move with my 16 year old son up North to his place. 2 hours from here. My son is refusing to have anything to do with it. He has seen all my failures in the past. My ex-husband, (my son's dad) told me my track record is not good and my son does not trust my decisions anymore. My ex does not think I am capable to take care of myself or my son anymore. My son heard all of this. I feel ganged up on by them. I would like to start a new beginning with my male friend down the road, and my son. My ex told me I owe it to my son to stay here in this house for 2 years and put him above all else. I love my son and I want him to be happy. I do feel that I deserve happiness too. I want to share my life with a soulmate and grow old together. My son was so upset and crying at the thought of us relocating in a few months that he left crying and was uncontrolable. It was not a good scene. I am at a loss. I feel as though I am in a tornado that is spinning around and wont stop. I dont know where to go from here.

December 9, 2002
3:18 pm
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Why the rush to move in together? It's OK for you to be happy and pursue the relationship, but it can be really hard on teenagers to uproot them. And it sends a message loud and clear to your kid "My happiness is more important than yours." And I know that's not true, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here.

You say you have only known this man for a few months. That's hardly enough time to know if he's "the one" and then go through the heartache of uprooting your kids (and yourself) to go and live with him. And I'd be highly questioning of a man who is so willing to open his home to a woman he has known for such a short time *and* her 16 year old son. It just doesn't seem well-thought out. I'm sure he has the best intentions, but it sounds like he could be rushing things too, maybe he's a little codependent as well. What is the problem with taking things more slowly? Maybe giving your relationship time to blossom in the dating phase before you live together? And, it will be less heartache for you and your son to deal with, and it sends a message to your son that you are willing to step up and make good decisions.

Now, although your ex has a point about wanting the best for your son, let it just rest at that. Your ex should not be providing input into whether or not you will do well in this relationship.

If your son is so upset to the point of crying uncontrollably, something is definitely not right, and you need to step back and delay any action you were planning to take to find out what is really going on. Is your boyfriend willing to wait and continue to do the long distance dating until your son has a chance to finish his junior and senior year of high school? Or has he told you that he can't wait any more and is pushing you into this? If it is truly meant to be, he will wait. If he isn't willing to wait, you might find down the road that he will be inflexible in other areas of your life as well, and this could come back to haunt you.

Just curious, but what does your daughter say to all of this? When I went off to college, 3 weeks later my mother left my father to go and be with someone she truly loved, and with the stresses of college and their divorce, not having a familiar home to come back to was hard for me. How do you think your daughter would do with a sudden change like that?

If my post sounds questioning and harsh, it isn't meant to be. Just trying to get you to look at some different angles of the relationship and trying to understand why you are moving so fast.

All the best...

December 9, 2002
3:45 pm
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Hi Gingerleigh,
Thank you for responding. I appreciate your feedback. I have been racking my brain all day and have talked to my male friend north of me, and told him it is all on hold and that my kids are the most important thing in my life. I dont even want to date. Because, I need to focus totally on my son right now and his feelings. I told this to my male friend as well as my son. This afternoon my son and I had a long talk and it seemed to go well. He hugged me and told me he loves me but is just afraid that I would be making a big mistake. He is probably right. I told my son that he and I need to be there for each other. I told him we are'nt going anywhere and that I know he has not got alot of faith in me, but that we will be okay, and I will make it right. I realize this is going to take alot of soulsearching on my part. I dont want my son to grow up resenting me. That is the last thing that I want.
Thanks again.

December 9, 2002
3:57 pm
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I'm glad that you and your son are communicating. I'm also really glad to see that he was able to tell you that he wasn't happy with the situation, and then hey, look, you really listened! That says a lot about how he feels about you and that he loves you. And you are listening to him, and hearing him. Best wishes *hug*

December 10, 2002
6:06 am
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Good Morning,
Thank you again for all your input. I truly appreciate it. Now I have the problem of how to deal with the guy up North who is sending me e-cards with "I cant live without you" songs, etc. This morning I e-mailed him back and told him that living without my son would be absolutely horrible. And that my son is my life. And that I hope he understood.
Stay tuned.......................

December 10, 2002
12:36 pm
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Hi Gemini2,
I have been in the same place, but I moved and got married. Don't do it to yourself. My husband is very insecure. He use to send me tons of emails and phone calls and pressure. If a man respects you, he can wait. Get yourself in a healthier state of mind before venturing out into a different relationship...Wish that I had.

December 10, 2002
7:52 pm
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Hi MJ
Thank you for your input. It is hard work for me to admit co-dependency and insecurities of my own. Some times I feel so alone, and so depressed. I guess the only way to heal from years of being this way is too work on myself everyday.
Kind of like an alcoholic. I am starting to realize that I have hurt alot of people. And I am sure I have lost some friends due to this. All the sorrys' in the world can not change the hurt that has already taken place. I am very, very angry with myself and ashamed of myself. There are reminders all around me of people I have hurt. I guess it is going to take time.
Thanks again.

December 11, 2002
7:53 am
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Don't be ashamed. We all make mistakes. Guilt but not shame. Shame is what others try to put on us. You obviously have done something great or you wouldn't still have your home and son living with you. I am learning that Loving myself is so important. I am always in my self. Others may come and go but ultimately I will always have me, so cherish you. Be Good to Yourself. Today is a new day.

December 11, 2002
7:45 pm
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Dear MJ
Thank you so much. Your letter brought tears to my eyes.

December 12, 2002
11:02 am
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Good Morning Gemini2,
You are definitely not alone.
Have you checked out the site for Coda yet? I read daily meditations from Melody Beatte Letting Go. I have been working on recovery and living for lots of years. Its just one day at a time. Have a Great Day!

December 12, 2002
9:46 pm
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Dear MJ
Yes, I have just recently discoverd CODA and have it as an icon on the front of my screen. I know I have to work very hard. I have a long way to go. Especially when I get weak. I am afraid of getting weak.
Do you have any words of wisdom for when those weaknessess occur. Cause, I know they will. Thanks!

December 12, 2002
10:59 pm
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What brought me out of my darkest period was keeping lists, and writing. I made a list of all the great things about being where I was (single). And then a made another list of all the things I hated about my relationship. I had another list of nice things that I had done for people just because. And then I had THE LIST of my sins, all the things that I thought I had done wrong to others. And I wrote apology letters to each one. Never sent them, but that wasn't the point... I wrote a lot about what I did, and what I imagined had led me down whatever path I was on. I looked for patterns. I wrote what I wished I would have done instead. And getting it out got me through the night, because I didn't go to sleep marinating in it. I punched a hole in the bowl as it were so that the poisonous liquid could drain out and I could feel clean again.

December 13, 2002
6:08 am
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gingerleigh, thank you, I can certainly give that a try. I sometimes wonder how I ever got this way to begin with. Maybe there is no one reason.
Thank You!

December 13, 2002
5:29 pm
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Hi Gemini,
I believe our society as a whole is codependent; especially women. We are raised to be caretakers of our families.

What I do is work the steps of the program. Start with one, then two, etc....four is the hardest for me, five has never been done because I haven't found a sponsor or person to share it with....and so on.

Did you read all the group information if you are interested in starting a group in your area or do you have one already? I go to Al-Anon as a support group because you can apply the steps as well there also.

Learning to ask others for help is really important. I am really trying to ask for what I want and saying NO more.
Hope your having a Good Day. HUGS

December 14, 2002
5:24 am
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MJ

Thank you. Yes I have heard about al-anon using the same steps. I know it is important to talk with others who have the same type of problem. A good support group. Now all I have to do is locate a local one. I have the phone numbers, so now i must get off my butt and make those calls.
I am so thankfull that I found this website.
Thank you MJ. Your awesome.
šŸ™‚

December 14, 2002
9:20 am
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Wow gemini, no one has ever called me awesome before, I like it šŸ™‚

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