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Free? how you helped me
April 27, 2009
2:43 pm
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bevdee
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September 30, 2010
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Free, I am gonna miss talking to y'all. Like Isis senses me, I sense(d) you.

I miss arguing with you, you sassy thang!! There were times that I jeered or rolled my eyes at my monitor, but I always came back for more, because
a) I like to argue,
b) in you I met my match and
c) I learned from our interactions.

d)sometimes you made me snort diet coke through my nose.

I have always been in awe of your, MamaCinnamon's, Zinnie's and WD's way of taking abused women (oops- persons!) under y'all's wing. You were awesome. I saw you do the every day follow through without the harsh judgment that sometimes sends these wounded birds away. (like my judgments) Your empathy. You have the heart to nurture that I don't seem to have. In an abuse shelter, you would be front line, and I would be paperwork. I've read the archived threads regarding abuse and dv, and you, WD, Zinnie, MamaCinnamon rocked. Y'all were awesome. Comfort, wisdom and strength. Now the last of that is gone.

I saw you come back to the site at a time when it was in an uproar with WD in the middle of it. You simply talked to him, resuming your old friendship with him without much comment on what was going on at the site. Non-partisan. He needed that, the site needed that, IMO of course, in my assumption making state. You were able to draw him out like no one else I have ever seen- you were a friend to him. You did not succumb to the prevailing attitude of the site, and your lively conversations with him brought Libs back from a major melt down.

One of the most important things I learned from you in the religion/bashing/antitheist war in 07 was not even about religion or stupid Xtians, but about my style of communication. I was angry about that truth for quite a while, cause I'd rather be right. I don't know if you remember this, but this was pivotal to me. You called Tez and me on saying the word stupid in regard to Xtianity. Now, without going back and pulling all the old quotes out of all those threads, I will say that I never called any ONE stupid, like ___ you ignernt slut, or stoopid ho, but I did call the groupthink stupid. (I will not speak for Tez, for all I can see, he has taken off for the backwoods too!! Outback? :/)

You objected to this. You were persistent, you were emotional, but as far as I know, you were for real. I admire that ability in you and others here, because I have trouble doing that in my real life. I weigh out what I say, sometimes saying nothing, or waiting too long. Sometimes I think I have a flat affect, you know? Sometimes proofreading seems safer than take a chance. Sometimes that works in my favor, but sometimes it doesn't. My reactions to those discussions helped me to see deep inside myself, and I can never express to you how much that has helped me. Lil Flamer, you. Btw- I still maintain that the groupthink is stoopid, less thought provoking, the path of least resistance. I just don't need to say it as often as I did!! ;~)

Several months ago, my mother told me that she got annihilated in a philosophy discussion forum for saying "Well that is just stupid". It wasn't until then that she realised she used the word so much. I said, "well YEAH!!!" Then I remembered those bashing/mythology wars. It wasn't until she told me this that I realised where I had learned to use that word like I did!! And how much it hurt me when she said it about or to me. (Or ridiculous and silly) She says it all the time, and so does my good friend from next door, as did her mom. So did I. So- I had my stoopid revelation, for all my preaching about sensitivity!!! So- I'm giving you a posthumous bow.

Then the Masonic stuff!! OMGOMG. That triggered both of us for different reasons. Different ends of a spectrum? Defender of/questioner? That you could read what I posted,my knowledge of the Masons, my research about the secret societies and admit (on another thread!!) that maybe all wasn't as it seemed with what you had been taught spoke volumes to me. You are not stuck in a mindset. You have the ability to shift up, around, beyond what you have been told, taught, and at least consider different theories. You do question and probe. My respect for you notched up. I usually don't post (debate) without doing some research, so from what I already knew, what I turned up in my Googletravels, from what I read from you and WD in the Esoteric threads, I learned tons about the "secret" stuff, the original mystery religions , initiation rites, steps to enlightenment- and the reasons for that. Before that, I just thought y'all were insane. I have pondered all of it, studied it, dissected it (you know me) and I have been able to pull so much stuff together as a result of that, and achieve some peace within myself. I can go forward in my spiritual journey without as much fear- I hope. I shifted a little, didn't I? Shoot. I've tried to discuss that on these threads, but there's just been so much strife lately. I should have just been direct and said it to you when I realised it. Thank you, Free.

I also watched you respectfully not agree with a good friend, WD on the porn issue. Respectfully, you disagreed, while maintaining your communication with him. That is acceptence. That is strength. You could have chosen not to respond, so as not to disagree. I do that, and have seen others do that, too. Nother notch. You have an integrity to yourself, that is not people pleasing, or favor currying when it comes to stating your opinion. You don't necessarily go with the flow, unless that is how you believe. You will never be in a clique!!! Spot that- yeah I got that, too. That's how I perceive it, anyway.

We nicked at each other, didn't we? threw each other's words in each other's faces? :~). Sometimes all over the threads. I always begrudingly liked the fact that we could "call" each other on behaviour, go to our corners for a while, but come back and try to talk again. Abuse and religion is what drew us together, to agree and try to offer support or have a good ole fashioned hairfight. The challenge for me was to see past preconceptions I had about any person who held the views you stated on politics and religion. I made some snap judgments based on that. By continuing to read you, because you don't fit the mold I constructed, I learned that making assumptions might just be a wall to my learning and growth. Another bow to your persistence and presence at this site because that helped me. I was getting to be kind of a new age bigot.

I hope this doesn't sound offensive or sarcastic, because this is from my heart. I saw in you a scrapper, kind of a nasty fighter. Spot it- got it? Oh hay-ull yeah. But I understood. I got riled up reading your posts sometimes, even when I wasn't involved in the scrap, but I learned about myself from watching you conflict. I wish we had had the chance to discuss the significance of gems and crystals in Xtian and older religion's scriptures. (Book of Revelations, stones in the breastplates of the priests) Because we are beyond arguing wrong/right - Xtian/ not, with your knoweldge of esoterism, symbolism, mine of crystals, both ours of OBEs, shifted consciousness,as well as others knowledge of scripture that were here, it could have been an interesting conversation. When the time is right for me to delve into that, I'll have to hit the Googlestreets for a different forum. For now, I'm just getting sun on my face, digging arrowheads and gihugic quartz and other so far unidentified crystals out of the dirt- way out in the country. I found an old tomahawk blade in the creekbed!! I'm learning to sit still and listen when there doesn't seem to be any sound - cause there still is.... and I'm discovering how sensual that is. :~D Oh- and I'm naming chickens. :~)

I wish you love, laughter and sun on your face as you go forward in life. I'll miss you.

April 27, 2009
7:36 pm
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free
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Wow bevdee. You are just an amazing human being. Now that I’ve wiped the tears away I’d like to respond. Thank YOU miss bevdee. Whenever I’ve been down, you’ve been there to pick me up. And here you are again! I was so sure after this last round I’d made enemies with people I’ve come to care about in that cyber way. Sucks. To have you speak like this of me- I just- I dunno, it melts my heart. Touches deeply.

You’ve taught me so much bevdee. Yeah I too like to argue. You say you met your match in me but truth is, you’re better at “debate” sparring- I see you as the second or third degree black belt and me well maybe the brown belt stage- I lose it and go crazy for awhile and make messes. You keep your cool in the worst of battles. Admirable to say the least. You’ve been a teacher here. People look up to you. They trust you; reach out to you and for you, actively seek you.

Ah yes the Masons. Freethinking. OMG is right- I grew so much in this area because of you bevdee. No matter how hard I fought no matter how angry I got- or nasty- you were right there, calmly pointing out where the ground was on this earth. As I flew around in orbit googling frantically (and learning a great deal in that google process.) One day you ask “did ya get enough adrenaline today free?” I’m like “adrenaline- is that what I’m looking for and if so why?” This led to a whole new awareness for me bevdee. A whole new spiritual walk. I can’t thank you enough for that. Believe it or not, I think my spirit might actually be calming down. Through you so many questions have been answered.

Recovering from narcissism. You and Ladeska. You gave so much hope. The narcissist leaves such a ruin. And you help people makes castles out those ruins. Good castles. Like Little Mermaid Castles. Enchanted castles that we can actually live in.

You are amazing bevdee, Just amazing.

There will always be flowers on your path kuz you plant them without even knowing it.

free

May 5, 2009
2:35 am
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bevdee
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Forum Posts: 259
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September 30, 2010
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Hey Free,

Thanks for that. (((Free))) I appreciate you responding. All I can say about adrenaline is "you spot it, you got it" I knew bout that drenaline!!

Thanks for saying I'm amazing. I have been working through some , oh I don't know, feelings and jumping over teensy hurdles that feel like mountains. It sure was nice to hear I am amazing!!!

I read at another site, and found a reference to moving away from the trauma of narcissism. I like the whole thing and will try to apply it to just moving forward in a general sense. This speaks to me now, and I wanted to share it with you.

http://narcissism-support.blog.....g-net.html

"But this is the bottom line, this is what I have learnt: if you seriously, seriously want to overcome the trauma of your encounter with the disordered, you are not in these net groups for the long haul. Unless you are a social worker/psychologist, pathological, a liar, interested second parties, or dealing with specific pathological issues of your own, beyond the trauma, one has no desire whatsoever, to stay in this place of pain and remembrance.

The most freeing thing is to immerse oneself in life, not memories, or even helping others, after a while. In trauma, there is no way out except to leave the past behind, fully acknowledging that it has become an integral part of one's history, but that it no longer rules one's life. I really believe now, that if you truly leave something behind, it does not inform your life, unless a reason crops up. What I mean by that, is that if I can be generally helpful at some time with my experience and knowledge of the disordered, I will be, but I will no longer seek it out.

I have been off and on in groups since 2000. I cannot believe it has been more than four years. I think that the effect of a psychopath is immeasurable, compared to that of an N. I have known an N, and in wanting attention she could not hold a candle to someone who wanted to annihilate you for amusement. However, I believe that her husband, if he ever got a clue, would disagree with me.

I think that ultimately, those who stay on the net for many years after being traumatised and continue the "good fight" are fighting something else. No question that I stayed longer because of[ ...................] But that's another post, for the future. I would question anyone who would continue to stay year after year with the same tired old arguments and stance, and continual repetitive analysing that leads to the same conclusions. Or provide endless scattershot undiscriminating "information" from sources that provide neither cogency nor comprehensiveness. Essentially, one wants to move on. Not stay.

This is the redemptive lesson of trauma. It wants pure and simple healing. And, after the fact, it owes nothing to no one. Such is its ultimate beauty and power."

I bought myself some flowers today. Assorted, cheap, alive, breathing flowers that I can look at every time I walk through the room. Thanks for letting me get to know you, ya amazing lil scrapper!!

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