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Fiancee cheating on me. The World Does not make sense.
August 11, 2009
3:05 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi andii,

No, I can't detect any remorse. She seems to think her actions were reasonable.

August 11, 2009
6:28 pm
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andii
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wow. I wonder how she would feel had you done the same. Or hey, since this appears to be an "open" relationship by her own admission perhaps you can go have a few flings as well! I bet that would go over real great.

wd, I don't think the feelings and love she has for you are what you're looking for.

You're nobody's door mat.

August 12, 2009
1:22 am
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soofoo
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WD,
I see that you are in love and that you are hurting really badly. My heart goes out to you. Would you want to be with her if it means that she will have other lovers and she will not marry you?

August 12, 2009
1:56 am
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Worried_Dad
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Hi sofoo,

I can accept a certain amount of hanky-panky before marriage.

What I mainly want is committment, loyalty and meticulous keeping of agreements.

August 12, 2009
3:16 am
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CraigCo
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WD,

Do you honestly believe that she is likely to change? Seem like the Red flags abound. Perhaps (& just wondering) could what you refer to as love, actually be just the ol codependency thing kickin in? Sorry my friend but, it doesn't sound like a very safe bet to me. Would be nice for you to be able to work it out but, repeated infidelity!? Well that just doesn't strike me as even qualifying as a "Red Flag", Moreover - a frickin banner ... if ya know what I mean?

Hope I'm wrong in my suspicions though as I know you do have feelings for her & a happy ending would obviously be preferable. How are ya doing emotionally now? Hope you're hanging in there by more than just a thread.

August 12, 2009
11:13 am
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CAMER
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wd, just be careful, cuz if she cheated on you once, she could do it again. And why didn't she tell you prior to cheating. Alot of trust has to be rebuilt, and do you honestly want her back after she ventured out with another man and slept with him??

August 12, 2009
12:29 pm
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andii
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so how are things going at home? Are you two sleeping together eating dinner together, goin places together? ya know, living together peacefully?

Is it eggshells?

What's goin on?

August 12, 2009
1:15 pm
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StronginHim77
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Oh dear. WD - you always give us such wonderful advice on these threads. What would you advise someone in a similar situation?

We are not talking about just ONE stray affair/encounter. We are talking about a woman who has PLACED AN AD for sexual encounters??!!! HELLO?

This is not going to change. She is not loyal to you...hence, her venemous outpouring to the third party in this unhappy, communications triangle. And disloyalty/betrayal do not go away, simply because one gets married. People are who they ARE. They do not change.

I believe you see the gravity of these red flags, but your sexual bond with her has created a tie of the soul which you (codependently?) dread breaking. So, you are trying to settle for such a high-risk, unreliable partner. You deserve better.

Have you considered seeking private therapy for WHY you would try and work out a relationship with such an untrustworthy, unreliable partner?

- Ma Strong

August 12, 2009
6:48 pm
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sdesigns
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Sheesh, WD, I think if there's committment, one requirement would be to NOT be advertising for more partners.

I have done a fair amt of internet dating and when someone I am seeing rather steadily spends hours/ day still looking, I usually conclude that they're not exactly into me if they're spending that much time looking at other profiles, etc. I'd take what your ex is doing as pretty baltant proof she's not committed to you, as well as the other things you found out.

Discreet encounters? Makes me wonder how sneaky she really is and may have sneaking around down to perfection.

sd

August 12, 2009
10:15 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi andii,

Well she actually lives half a continent away from me. We met on line and were friends by phone for 4-5 years, talking a few times a week for hours, when we decided, hey, let's consummate this shit.

I have spoken to her and expressed my concerns--hey this is sudden, why didn,t you tell me the sex thing was such a problem, those problems are easy to fix, let's not be hasty and wreck a great friendship.

She replied that what I said had a lot of merit, so why don't we see what we can do to repair things.

So I am flying out on September 1st and will spend three weeks with her.

August 12, 2009
10:19 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Ma Strong,

Well, people make mistakes.

And if she and we can correct this one, then forgiveness will be easy--for me, anyway.

I understand my psychology pretty well here.

Remember I spent years in a NEw Age Love Cult, and was militantly polyamorous for years.

I can put up with a little fooling around.

After the "I Do's" it would be a different story of course.

August 12, 2009
11:23 pm
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andii
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What airport are you flying into wd and when? Kuz I'm gonna kidnap you and take you to reality land.

wd! The ground is down here.....

August 12, 2009
11:46 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi andii,

I figure, worst case, I get another five weeks of being happily in denial.

At the end of that time I will have made progress with the diet and exercise, my mood will be elevated, and I will look great.

I’m three solid weeks exposure to my great home cooking, chiseled abs, sexual wizardry, enormous charm and deep attentiveness don’t inspire her to go “what the hell was I thinking,” then I will just lick my wounds, keep working out, and by the time I am ready to look at women again (takes about a year for me) I will be built like the proverbial over-specified outdoor sanitation building and be ready to wow the ladies.

Unless the trauma makes me turn gay or something.

August 13, 2009
12:27 am
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soofoo
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LMAO WD! Well at least she didn't take your sense of humor.

So were you planning on moving in with her or the other way or some other thing?

August 13, 2009
12:56 am
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Soofoo,

Well, we could maintain separate houses for a while or either of us could move.

I don't care.

Nothing can keep me from my Queen if she wants me.

Which of course, is the question here.

August 13, 2009
3:29 am
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andii
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Okay, I've a question for you wd.

What does it take to be your queen?

I mean, what is it you love so much about her?

I don't mean that in a bad way, having a hard time wording it.

How about: what is it about her that makes her your queen?

Get what I'm asking?

August 13, 2009
9:44 am
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soofoo
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It doesn't seem fair that she cheats on you and in return gets your devotion, good home cooking, enormous charm and deep attentiveness and all of that.

It seems she deserves a lot less from you. Instead of becoming angry and indignant, you are drawing in closer. I know this. I have done this too when someone I love hurts me.

I honor your right and ability to make your own decisions about your life here, just like you always have for me. I remember that and appreciate that deeply. But I will remind you to take just as good care of yourself right now. I think your self care plan is good.

I am going away for the weekend. My best wishes and love to you, may your heart feel some relief.

August 13, 2009
1:52 pm
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caraway
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Worried Dad,

You always seem so logical in your responses, so I can tell you must be hurting.... you aren't being very realistic here.

This isn't about you, or how things are sexually. This woman wants something else, someone else, and may crave the newness of a relationship. How did you meet and get started with her?

Sorry to hear that you are in such a bad place and hurting, but try and keep your wits about you.

Cary

August 13, 2009
2:13 pm
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StronginHim77
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She appears to have you tap-dancing...to HER rules. I note that you said playing around with others sexually would NOT be ok, after you are married. What makes you believe she will change, simply because you get married?

We are what we are...

Are you willing to accept the reality that this is who she is? And that marriage doesn't change anyone?

- Ma

August 13, 2009
2:15 pm
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StronginHim77
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By the way, I just paid attention to the title of this thread. She is your fiance? You have given her an engagement ring and she has accepted it with all of the commitment that implies? You have set a date for the wedding?

Or is your reference to her as your "fiance" just raising the verbal bar in categorizing your relationship with one another?

- Ma

August 13, 2009
2:18 pm
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sdesigns
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WD:

Another long distance relationship?

Hate to bring it up but the last woman that you told us about- another long distance relationship- didn't work out so well when she moved to be with you.

Someone that is so far away is hard to know in a day to day setting. The occasional get togethers are like honeymons and you don't get to see what a real life is like with them, who their friends are, what they do on a day to day basis.

Please keep this in mind and not get swept up in the moment.

sd

August 13, 2009
3:04 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi stronginhim77,

"Fiancee" in that we had agreed to marry and made mutual promises of sexual fidelity.

August 13, 2009
4:09 pm
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It No Longer Matters
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Hello???? Mutual promises of fidelity means that you only sleep with each other!!!!!

I have been cheated on. It hurts like hell and create a mess in your head. You love them so much you try to find a way to justify their actions. Oh they didn't mean it. Oh well it was just this one time. Oh it was someone from their past and they just had to make sure they didn't feel the same. BULLSHIT!!!

Bitsy

August 13, 2009
8:28 pm
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andii
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What Ma said! What BITSY said!

Tellin ya wd. I'm gonna meet you at the airport and punch her in the nose.

What will you do then?

also.

You never answered my questions above and I thought they were fair.

andii

August 13, 2009
9:30 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi andii,

Well, I am pretty serious about relationships with women. Searching for a wife and all.

My "Queen" is the woman I am in love with, when I think it's headed towards permanence.

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