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Fiancee cheating on me. The World Does not make sense.
August 10, 2009
1:03 am
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Worried_Dad
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Yeah well, I never expected this one.

The pain is overwhelming.

August 10, 2009
1:31 am
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andii
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I wouldn't either. Are you absolutely certain wd?

August 10, 2009
9:55 am
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Worried_Dad
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Hi andii,

Oh yes, I am sure.

August 10, 2009
10:14 am
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PreciousG
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WD,

I am so sorry. ((((WD))))

PreciousG

August 10, 2009
11:08 am
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sdesigns
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((((((WD))))))

I'm so sorry to hear that.

What are you going to do?

sd

August 10, 2009
11:09 am
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andii
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I am so sorry wd. This kind of pain is indeed overwhelming. I wish I knew the right words to say. (((wd)))

Wd, have you confronted her about this and what are you going to do?

August 10, 2009
11:18 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Worried Dad...there is nothing quite like that pain. If it is any consolation, I survived. Not that I am necessarily holding myself up as an example of what we should strive to be. I am so sorry this happened to you.
{{{{Hugs}}}}

Bitsy

August 10, 2009
12:15 pm
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_anonymous
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WD- I am sorry about your pain. I know it is unbearable. Keep posting. I would like to know more about what happened so I can understand more about where you are coming from.

Cyber support,

Destiny

August 10, 2009
4:00 pm
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CraigCo
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WD, Sorry to hear about your situation. It's about the lowest thing one could do to their partner. I've been where you are with the significant other cheating. I'm sure you know that it says more about her than it does you. Hang in there man.

August 10, 2009
4:12 pm
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CraigCo
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Have you got any kind of game plan in order at this point? Probably too soon for that, I suppose. I know that I was just reeling in anxiety upon discovering my ex's shenanigans. Didn't know whether to shit or wind my watch, type o thing. So, it really wasn't a good time for me to come up with a sensible game plan as I was feeling pretty psychologically impaired for sometime afterward.

August 10, 2009
11:50 pm
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andii
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WTF wd. Tell me what's goin on. Like brother to sister type thing. You know what I'm talking about.

WTF is going on at your place?

August 11, 2009
12:42 am
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Worried_Dad
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Hey guys,

Thanks so much for the support.

So my action plan thus far:

1) Figure out why this happened and what exactly is going on.

We never fight, she thinks I am the most eligible guy she has met in a long time, we enjoy each others company a lot, she thinks I am amazing in bed, etc.

She has until very, very recently, been leading me to believe that everything was wonderful and that we were to shortly be married.

Obviously, she has been holding out on me that there was even a problem, much less that it would inspire her to such extreme action.

Weird, because I am such an easy person to talk to, I thought.

Anyway, some of you might not like this, but I used devious means to get her talking about her "issues" with me to someone else, and found out what was on her mind, how long she had been cheating, etc.

No, I did not use computer hacking or read her diary, do anything illegal, etc.

But I definitely did not like what she had to say about me, or about our relationship and her plans.

I mean, I was absolutely flabbergasted.

August 11, 2009
12:47 am
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red blonde
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WD

This isn't the one who was having trouble with her husband, etc? The one you called '(something)Flower'? Who has a daughter and works with you?

August 11, 2009
12:52 am
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Worried_Dad
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Action plan part 2)

Take stock of the impact it has had on me and analyze that impact from a clinical viewpoint, develop a self-care plan.

Result: I did some research and found that what other people in my situation experience is similar to mine.

Extreme shock; confusion; Deep sadness; feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness.

I will describe my self-care plan in another thread.

But I did devise and put into action another activity that is consistent with my personality, my approach to relationships, and my deep feelings for the woman, which is....

3) Attempt to salvage the relationship.

August 11, 2009
12:58 am
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Red Blonde...

No, the Snow-Flower question is long since resolved. She was way to caught up in the drama of her life to even consider dating anyone, which is understandable.

Given that, I proceeded to further develop a relationship with a woman I had been friends with since 2004.

Let's call her "NativeBeauty."

August 11, 2009
1:25 am
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andii
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"Attempt to salvage the relationship."

WD!

Hello? Are you in there?

August 11, 2009
1:41 am
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Worried_Dad
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Hi andii,

I had to take a couple of calls.

Yes, I am here, and thinking about my thoughts and actions about the "salvaging the relationship."

Give me 5 minutes.

August 11, 2009
2:01 am
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Worried_Dad
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Salvaging the relationship.

It takes me a long time to fall in love.

I've been friends with Native_Beauty for about 5 years. During that time, we realized that maybe we were a good match. In November we took it to the level of physical intimacy.

Fireworks.

As I have discovered, although she thinks I am an amazing lover, she has some issues about our lovemaking that have really weighed hard on her, but which she has not talked to me about.

Specifically, because of sexual violence in her past, she has "performance issues" about certain acts of physical love--specifically oral sex.

She has built up this idea in her head that she cannot possibly please me--since I am what she has a accused of being a "sexual wizard" so I must have really high expectations or something.

So during about 50% of our episodes of lovemaking, she has had a "freezing up" moment where she feels "inadequate."

I find her to be a more than adequate lover, and I believed that her "freezing up" moments were minor episodes that didn't amount to much and that we could work with in the fullness of time.

I have discovered that her moments of feeling "inadequate" have weighed on her a LOT more than they have weighed on me, and led her to seek out other men who she doesn't feel "inadequate" with.

And led her to decide that our relationship was unworkable and that she ought to give up even trying.

I have identified that as her main "issue" and initiated conversations to the effect that we ought not let such an easily addressable misunderstanding scuttle an otherwise promising and beautiful relationship.

And we have made some progress in that regard, which gives me a lot of hope.

August 11, 2009
2:17 am
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andii
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Okay, sexual assault is a valid excuse/reason for struggling with physical intimacy. But that is something that love can help to overcome.

What is her excuse for cheating?

August 11, 2009
10:04 am
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Worried_Dad
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Hi andii,

Her "excuse" is that she decided it wasn't going to work out with us sexually, and that she had decided not to marry me.

Kind of a crappy excuse if you ask me.

August 11, 2009
10:50 am
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soofoo
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Did she say that to you or to the friend that found out for you? Have you talked to her about it?

BTW, there is nothing wrong with doing spy work to find out if someone is cheating. You have to protect your sanity. Knowing and not knowing at the same time is destructive to you personally.

When I sensed that my fiancee (and father of my child) was cheating, I said to him, I know you are cheating on me. I want you to tell me about it, and if you do then there is a chance we can salvage this. But if you don't, and I have to prove it another way then this is over and there is nothing that can be done to repair it. I'm going to take a bath and you can think about it and when I get out we can talk. He said "You're crazy" When I got out of the tub, I said now we can talk about it. And he said "Now I know that you're really, really crazy because I am not cheating and I never have." And I said "Now we're over." Then I called every number on his cell phone record while he was at work until I found the girl he was sleeping with. I had a nice long talk with her. And that was the end of our relationship.

But looking back on it, I am so glad that he DIDN'T tell me, because then I may have forgiven him and stayed in a very bad relationship much longer. There was a lot wrong with the relationship. The cheating was just the thing that got me out, because for some reason it was the one thing i wouldn't put up with.

This may not always be the case.

I am a supporter of salvaging relationships. If you are invested in someone, it is worth trying to work it out. I think people (in the West especially) throw away too much. It's a cultural thing. It's broken, throw it out.

But there is a time to salvage. The time is when both people want to. If you are not at that time, you have to let go.

August 11, 2009
11:53 am
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Worried_Dad
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Hi soofoo,

I first discovered her thoughts and intentions on the matter through my special "source" who she poured her heart out to.

Then I used cues in our subsequent conversations to evoke her telling me the same thing.

Of course she was nicer about it to me than she was in her conversations with my source.

I am very much in love with this woman. I can get over infidelity, if we can repair our love.

I'll do anything to be with her.

August 11, 2009
12:41 pm
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sdesigns
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((((WD))))

OK, so I understand the part about her saying she didn't think you're sexually compatible- was she seeing someone else that she DID feel compatible with? Where does the cheating part come in?

sd

August 11, 2009
1:58 pm
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andii
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Well wd you're definitely right on the western culture thing- if it's broken throw it out. And yeah, her excuse is oober crappy. It wasn't fair for her to not tell you she was having second thoughts on marriage.

I know that couples sometimes overcome infidelity, and my hat goes off to them. I just can't imagine trusting somebody after that, but I guess that's just me.

Is she at least remorseful wd?

(((wd)))

August 11, 2009
2:49 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi sdesigns,

Well, the cheating part came in when she decided to break her agreement that we were sexually exclusive. She has ended up sleeping with at least one guy who she felt…adequate with.

She has admitted to only one fellow. however given the nature of the personal ads of hers I have found online, and based on the results of my intelligence gathering, I suspect it is multiple guys.

What really burns my butt is that she knew I believed we were monogamous, believed we were about to marry, but she has ads up seeking “discreet encounters.”

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